First Q and Its a Doosey

Something else is going on if this comes up after years. I wonder what he is doing that he is trying to blame you for.

Have you considered he is having an affair? I never cheated on my ex but every time he was cheating he would accuse me of cheating. I guess it made him feel righteous or something. I just know it is not uncommon for a cheating spouse to accuse the other of cheating. So perhaps him digging this up again years later is his way of excusing and deflecting from his own behavior.

Added: read all of New Granny's posts before you believe a normal person will hold onto anger this long.

I wouldn't think a relationship of 3 weeks over the Internet would be this serious. There must be more to the story. How can it become an affair. If talking sex to someone and liking it is an affair, I've had at least 20 of them. What is the definition of an emotional affair?

I've been good friends with married men. We've talked about things that interested us, things their wives were not interested in talking about. We liked talking. We provided each other a shoulder to cry on from time to time. We were emotionally involved with each other in a way similar to how I am involved with women friends. We flirted and never went the next step. Is that an emotional affair?

I see not telling him about it as more serious than doing it. At the same time it happened years ago. I see no reason for him to be angry about it now. I see no reason for you to still feel guilty.

Even if you'd had a physical affair last week, he has no right to be treating you this way.

I'm.an retired cop. I've seen others have affairs and their aftermath. I've had affairs. I've been emotionally attached to a few men. Most were long distance carried on by letters, way back when. I poured my soul out to them because I was lonely (single). I've moved on
Looking back I see that I grew with each relationship.

I know most women are hurt when they learn their husband has had an affair or multiple affairs. I understand them not trusting their husbands. I understand not being able to let it go.

However, I really don't understand why he's still angry about a 3 week exchange of messages several years ago. I especially don't understand why you haven't let go of the guilt. You made a mistake. Please forgive yourself so that your guilt doesn't mess up the rest of your life. I urge you to look at the way your husband is treating you
Don't let your decisions be based in guilt.

If he can't move past this, your marriage is over. I think a marriage counselor is the only chance your marriage has. If he refuses to go, go on your own.

It sounds as if he's insecure. Do you still both see this guy? How does your husband feel about that? Did he ever confront his friend? I think the fact that it was with a friend of both of yours must have made it even harder.

Maybe he never worked through his pain. Men who are hurt or even in a depression tend to have it show up as anger and even rage sometimes. So that's how some men process their emotions. Resentment too.

Maybe you both never healed. Why did you have the emotional affair in the first place? What led you towards it?

Counseling. I think that's obviously the only thing you can do here. If that doesn't work, then look at protecting yourself from the constant criticism and attacks. It is true when couples fight that past mistakes come up. I think that happens a lot.

But if it's becoming a regular thing - of course it's time to see someone to work through it. You have kids - a family. They can't witness the stress from this. Time to do something.

If he won't get counseling as a couple - then you get some yourself. A therapist can help guide you to make decisions that are best for you, and everyone ultimately. Good luck :)

ETA: I read through the other responses. It hadn't occurred to me he might be cheating - but that's possible. My ex would find fault with me (called me insecure, paranoid, and just overall disrespectful) when he was interested in someone else. I think it's their way of justifying their actions.

And I missed the part where this has been ongoing for 6 months. That's too long to be putting up with this disrespect. It's become a pattern now - he feels entitled to treat you like this. If you feel in some slight way you deserve it because you disrespected him - then you're probably caught up in an abusive state. Hope you get some help on dealing with this. Sounds like your family is supportive.

He sounds like a narcissist. He treats you and the children as property not people. Swearing and name calling is abusive and it's only going to get worse.
Think about it this way: If everything was going great in your marriage you would never have had the emotional affair. People with good marriages do not look outside of their marriage for support.
Things in your marriage have been bad for a long time. I suggest counseling. You need to find a way to be strong and have the relationship you deserve. You do not deserve to be abused.

This sounds like you are at the end game, something has to change and you know that. When I reached the end game I gave my husband a choice, we entered into counseling and both gave it 100% or I was gone, I had the paperwork already filled out to make sure I followed through. We did the counseling and it worked for us, but if he had refused, or had not taken the therapy seriously, I would have left. Sometimes enough is enough.

Nothing here is okay. You cheated and lied about it, not okay. He's still mad 4 years later, okay, but not okay in the way he's handling it. You two need therapy, and it may take several rounds to figure this out. If he EVER says anything like that to you again, leave. I can't imagine staying with someone who thought so little of me that they wished I would take my own life. Maybe he has never dealt with suicide, but I can tell you it's life altering and it's a pain that never, ever goes away - when someone you love does that.

My husband was unfaithful to me before we were married and I found out after. It took years of counseling for us to be where we are now. We will be married 12 years in October and it was probably 3-4 years ago when we finally had our breakthrough. It took that long for me to start truly trusting him again, for him to start understanding where I was truly coming from, for us to TALK about it enough to make it so it isn't something that comes up every time either one of us is mad.

But seriously, if someone ever told me to off myself I'm not sure I would hang around any longer than that...that level of hate is not okay, and I'm not sure it's repairable.

I haven't read the other responses yet but my first thought is that perhaps he is or has recently cheated on you or felt tempted to or whatever and that's a) bringing it back and/or b) he's attacking you so that you're too distracted to see what's going on and/or c) he's hoping you leave because it will make you look like the bad guy and absolve him of whatever it is that he's doing.

Whatever happens, YOU don't leave. If he doesn't want to move on and treat you with respect and decency, HE can walk out the door. Being infatuated with someone for a few weeks years ago doesn't make you an unfit mother or mean that you should leave without your kids or cause upheaval in their lives by leaving and taking them with you.

I think it's time for you to stand up and draw a line in the sand. You've made your amends, and he should be over it (I say this as someone whose husband cheated for real, for years, with more than one person - and we stayed together for 9 years after). He doesn't get to be butthurt about this for years and use it as an excuse to treat you poorly. You've served your time for the crime. If he can't let it go, then HE needs to take responsibility for his own inability to forgive. If I were you, I would tell him that if he can't let this go, really let it go, then his choices are to go to counseling with your or for him to leave and take some time to sort out what he wants. Period, end of story. You can apologize (again) but let him know that the past was in the past and you will not continue to allow yourself to be punished for a transgression that happened years ago. He either really forgives, or he puts on his big boy pants and leaves. If he needs some counseling to help work through the process and heal the relationship, great. If he won't do that, then you go alone...I'm sure that with the help of a professional, you can explore what about your marriage left you open to being tempted so many years ago and can give you help in dealing with this current issue.

Best wishes to you!

The rift in your marriage has never been repaired. You didn't mention going to marriage counseling. If you haven't, you two need to go now. You made a repairable mistake, but it takes work from both people to move forward.

Additionally, there is NEVER any acceptable reason to be abusive, and your husband is verbally and emotionally abusing you. He needs a therapist separate from the marriage counseling.

If your husband does not agree to do these things, your marriage is doomed. Start planning immediately to leave. You will need a lawyer. This is not going to be easy or amicable.

You two need help because you aren't moving past anything and its unhealthy for your children to grow up thinking this is how normal married people act. I'd suggest marriage counseling if he'll go and individual conseling if he won't. No one should think that a mistake they made 7 yrs ago should control their life now.

I feel (and probably your husband does too) that there is more to this story.

:)

Marriage counseling - you guys need it to work through your issues and resentments.
At this point he's just circling around to his anger over and over again and never truly putting it behind him or forgiving you.
Although what you did wasn't right - you weren't actually having sex with anyone else - and your husbands anger seems a bit over the top for this - his continuing reaction to it isn't right either.
You both need a counselor to meet each other half way, have a meeting of the minds, and either really forgive and put it all behind you OR discover if this really is a deal breaker and move on to divorce.
It could be you might both be depressed too.
A little prozac all around while going through the counseling might be a big help.

"you should do this family a favor and off yourself because I feel sorry for our kids that you are their mom"
I can see why you love him, he sounds like a dream!
Of course I always suggest suicide to my loved ones when I'm angry, too, you are right, totally normal.
FACEPALM

Hi, okay I understand that you made a mistake. My husband always tells me he would never cheat om me, but he is also of the opinion that it just takes the wrong person, to say the right thing, at the wrong time to lead anyone astray. Yes, I do believe it's a choice between right and wrong, but I do agree with him. Mistakes happens sometimes without us really being able to differentiate between rights and wrongs. Stop punishing yourself, this world is a f'd up place, meant to test us and our relationships. Eve bit that fruit for us, even when she was told not to.

Now, I also believe in bullying. And I believe it's because we allow it. If I allow my kind to hit me over the head when he is angry, he will keep doing it, because I didn't say it's unacceptable. I would suggest you have a round table with him, ask him what exactly is f'n issue is, tell him yours. Consider marriage counseling, get it out in the open. Often things bread and fester in our minds, and everything builds on that, and then we explode. Good luck babe.

He has a right to be upset. When I am still upset over a thing that happened sometime in the past, it is usually because I do not feel that I have received a deep enough apology. I need the person to ask me, "how can I make it up to you?" That will give me a voice in it.

ETA: I am not in agreement with the mamas here (I CAN DO THIS WITHOUT NAMING NAMES...) who thinks HE is the main culprit and that HE needs to get over it--or even that he is now guilty of something. He is just p-ssed! Yes, it happened a while ago according to you, but HE was the harmed party and HE gets to decide when HE will let it go. Sounds like maybe he misses his buddy but he cannot befriend him again due to your little emotional affair.

Good luck.

Yes, Teresa, somehow I feel that something is missing too...

Counseling.

Get counseling for yourself. Suggest he get counseling too and surely couples counseling.

Your affair put poison into your union but that should not be the excuse for treating you poorly. Your children are watching and learning. You deserve better than this, they deserve better than this, and he deserves better than this.

It's time to negotiate new terms on the union with your husband. Consider saying something like this, "I know I mess up X years ago and I know that hurt you and hurt us. If you can't forgive me, that's your choice but I will not continue to live with you talking to me like this (be specific and explain the this) and I won't continue to live with you treating me like this (again be specific to explain the this). I believe for this marriage to continue and be healthy, whole and happy we need to talk to a professional. If you don't want to that's fine but I am definitely going to seek professional help of either a counselor or attorney or both but this current state of conditions will not continue."

You need to decide what to do and do it. I would leave one kid with him and take one with me and we could trade the children but he would not be empty handed when it comes to the kids if it came down to actually moving out.

I wish you the best but men generally take affairs much harder than women and are much less forgiving. I'll be praying for you and your family.