Lack of Intimacy...

early in a relationship spontaneity is great. later on, planning makes all the difference. if you have a 'date' for scrumpage that night, it gives you both all day to anticipate, plan, dream, maybe text a naughty message or two. you can have the boudoir set up with candles and scented oils.
schedule it, baby!
:) khairete
S.

Stress is one thing and withholding affection and intimacy is another-something to think about carefully and consider when you are making choices going forward.

When my DH and I went through a similar period when he was working a lot, what I did was send him sexy text messages and pictures to his blackberry phone and email while he was at work. The pictures were of me in a sexy bra or something.

The first time I did it I'm not kidding he came home that night all anxious and telling me how much he thought my messages and pics ROCKED his world that day! I still do it every once in awhile when he least expects it. He thinks its awesome because I tell him that I was getting the kids their lunch and suddenly got an urge to send him a sexy picture soooo I would run upstairs to our bedroom, put on the bra, take a quick pic, send it and then head back downstairs to continue my Mommy duties!

Give it a try. You never know....

In fact, I think I may send him a text right now. LOL!

I'm dying to know people's responses, because I have the same complaint.

I'm gonna guess the problem is a lower libido than most males. I'm tellin' ya, I'm tired of going to waste --- one of these days ---

I saw a couple on tv who had written a book on the year they had sex every day, so I thought that might be a good thing to try just to get things going. Of course, we didn't make it past day two...and he hasn't mentioned it since.

I just wanna vent this morning.

i know how your husband feeels. my husband is always tryn, and the more he tried the less i want to do it. i just dont have a great appetite for sex right now, and i really never have ad an insiatiable desire since my son was born three yrs ago. he has to butter me up so to speek to get me in the mood. he does the little things for me, paints my toes rubs my back, kisses me ever so slightly on my neck, brings me a glass of wine. and the little signs of affection really make me hapy and putsx me in a better mood. try doing some little things for him like that, things that will help him to relax and put him in a less stressful mood. its easier to want to have sex if your not completely stressed out. hope u get some nookie soon :)

Talk to him. Tell him what you want and go from there. Chances are that he's just tired and stressed too. I think the dry spells are fairly normal. We go through them. My husband turned me down twice in a row a few weeks ago. I didn't talk to him about it, instead I just got madder and madder. I was giving him the cold shoulder and he didn't know why. That made him mad at me and round and round we went. Finally, we talked about it. Turns out he just had an upset stomach. So, if he had just told me that, or if I had just explained how I was feeling, we could have saved all the bickering. I think we sort of forget to TALK to our partners. Maybe we're embarrassed to bring it up, or we're afraid of the answer we'll get. I don't know. Just go to him in a very non-confrontational way. Explain that you felt rejected and it hurt your feelings a little. Talk about the way your sex life is and tell him that you'd like less dry spells. Maybe he feels the same way! Then come up with a plan together to get you through the dry spells. It might be that you need a night out alone or even just a few hours alone.

First of all , you are not alone.... I would simply talk to him about it and then you will understand where he's coming from.... maybe just tired, maybe finding time during the day (before all energy is exhausted...???). Don't beat yourself up about it. Just talk to him about how you feel and what you need.

Funny that happened to me this morning. My hubs always wants some and today it was me. He told me his stomach was not agreeing with him and was sorry but couldn't give me any lovin'. Since this has NEVER happened on his end, I told him no biggy I was ok. He kept telling me "I hope you aren't upset, I am not refusing you, I just don't feel good" poor guy felt bad, but I was seriously ok, I had already moved on in my head planning the day. Why I am telling you this is maybe hubs isn't feeling 100%, or worried about something or distracted and even though we women can be distracted we can still go through the motions the man's mind has to be in the game to....ummmm....perform as it were. Why not ask him, when you are just casually sitting around if things are ok at work, with friends, with him and see what's he thinking. We all go through our dry spells but it seems to me we all come out in the end with some action for a few days before we let the world back in. Bottom line, it's NOT you.

Lucky you! Having the desire yourself is a big deal since us women lack of it most of the time and we do have the opposite problem...I always found it stressful to refuse my ex's advances when i wasn't in the mood, I would get mad at him for not understanding when it was the right time and what it took to get me in the mood. I just expected from an adult to put a thought or two on the subject and choose more carefully the moment for approaching me...was it too much to ask??? I say try to be "closer" to your husband in a non physical kind of way, see if you can share some of the concerns that stop him from being just light and sensual and see if it gets better. Do not be demanding, do not get mad. This is what I would have wanted from my man, I don't see why men can't have, at times, the same needs of us women, so he's probably on a rough patch now (work? finances?), so I would give him a break and wait until he gets "tingly" again...I think you will enjoy it much better!!

Could it be low T? I would ask him to have a work up from the Doctor.

M.

Hi R., this is an interesting post to me, I hope you get a lot of answers!

Unless he is dead, my guy is ALWAYS ready and willing for sex of ANY kind. (and even then, he'd say, well define dead, have I been dead for hours or minutes?...)

I should mention he's 55 years old, and we've know each other very closely for almost 30 years, although we have only been cohabitating for 4 years.

Our problem is ME, every single time.

I think in your case as other's have said, it's all about communication.

Good Luck, I'll be reading your responses!

:)

It seems for me & my hubby that it's me, then him, me, then him, lol. We take turns being tired. It seems to be a weekend thing now once the little one is alseep. The complaint I have is that we never spend time just the two of us unless it is naked time. Don't get me wrong we both enjoy it! I guess that women need the hang out time as well (atleast I do). It has always been hard trying to find that balance. We both work full time. I wake up at 4am and I am just done most nights. I guess you can say we have to give to receive (both people). If both hubby & wife try to put in just a little more effort then it would meet all needs. Sometimes it's just difficult. I don't feel like I am helping, just relating. Good luck!

You are not alone!!! Having a dry spell myself!!! Missing it too that deep connection... I have talked to my DH about it and jokingly asked if there was someone else or was he gay...Please no judgements because I've been the one to initiate. ugh....We ladies need to make sure we are having date nights with our guys!

R.,

I looked at your profile pic, and you are a young, beautiful woman! I can't imagine why your boyfriend would not want to have sex with you all the time!! He must be extremely tired!!! I don't get it. Why don't you first try putting on a hot number for him and see if that helps! Otherwise, you can just have a conversation with him, saying you would like to have sex/make love more often. I can't imagine him not wanting you all the time!! Good luck!

I've SO been there at times! Mostly right after we had our baby. Although it was mostly me turning HIM down! Maybe if you introduced a little "variety" in the intimacy, he would be a little more interested? Throw in a massage to lead up to it, dress up, take a bath together, go dancing together, there are so many things you can do to spice things up and get his attention. Maybe drop hints to him from the start of the day so that he anticipates it all day long and can't get it out of his head? Good luck :)

Instead of discussing it with us, you need to discuss it with the spouse. If you dont work on it together it wont be fixed. You both need to put in effort and be informed.
This has kept me and my hubbys sex life through the roof. You can't expect things to change, you have to make them change.

Just wanted to share some of what my hubby and I have done. First, we had to work through the insecurity issue when we went from 10x/wk down to 3. I don't even know how that happened...it was so gradual. But when I realized it, it was a big deal to me. Then we've gotten really good at communicating needs. Mostly, I have been willing to share and he's been willing to act on what I share. For example, we were watching tv just a few nights ago, and I said, "Yeah...so...you know no girl can really resist being chased, right?" (Maybe you know some who defy this, but I've seen relationships, marriages, etc broken up b/c the girl loved being "chased" by another guy. I've seen it the other way too.) So while I've always tried to work to make him feel desired and respected (so that it's not that he's my sex slave, but I'm not his either), he didn't always get that I needed that too. But then I told him and we talked about it, and he's been chasing me lately. I absolutely love it. The kicker is that I'm actually not really in the mood, but he gets me in the mood. His showing his desire for me helps. Figure out what you're missing, and what he's missing, and each be willing to work towards supplying the other's need.

R., it's part of being a mom AND a wife! We all have gone through this. My suggestions are buying a sexy "coupon book" and having him redeem the coupons. Also, take a pole/chair class and show him what you've learned:0) Every night try to carve out at least an hour for just the two of you. If you have family near by, ask them to babysit for you at least one Saturday per month and have date nights.

Have you ever tried to have an open dialogue about why he's turning you down? If he's not getting it from somewhere else, then perhaps there is some sort of reason that he doesn't want to. Maybe try having an open dialogue about it.