How Do You Tell Your Husband You Are Not in the Mood?

I don't deny my husband but if I'm truly exhausted I drag him in the shower with me and have a quickie. Or I get myself in the mood by letting him put kids to bed and I take a hot bath and light some candles. I get what I want (some peace and he get's what he wants after.) Stop making excuses and have some fun. You will end up driving a wedge between you if you make excuses. He probably knows!

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Oh, I get that, but I don't deny him. (I did once, when I was not liking him, and I felt awful.) Even when I am not in the mood, I let him go for it and just have his way with me.

i think its a problem that instead of trying to fix it and reconnect with your husband you're looking for advice on how to deny him.

Imagine he went on a forum and asked advice about how to avoid kissing you goodnight or something?

Theres nothing short of "I dont want to, my hormones are messed up or i'm too tired" that will work, im sure he knows the excuses are jut that ...excuses and not real

btw i say that completely understanding how you're feeling, i think how you feel is a valid feeling, i J. dont think you're going to get answers that will help your marriage

Honestly, your hormones MAY be out of whack (a blood test will out... And docs are easy... Just say 'My libido has been toast for 2 years, will you check my hormones?')

However it's probably 'just' that you're tired.

Sleep dep is the #1 libido killer for both men and women.

If you can get a sitter for a week and catch up on 4 years of missed sleep, you may find your libido magically reappears.

Alternatively, 1 day a week where you sleep until you wake up should get your reserves back up in a couple months.

(ahem. If you do the 'week cure' ALSO make sure you get 1 day a week to sleep yourself out. Or it will just revert after a few exhausting 14 hour days with kids. A lot of parent forget that working or staying at home... With kids... You're working 14-18 hour days. For women, especially, this is hard... Not because we're weaker, but carrying a parasite -literally- for 9 months, and then nursing, and them the 14-18 hour days just runs us down.)

Why am I offering solutions instead of excuses? So your husband understands. Talk with him at a neutral time (no possibility of sex) and tell him you think he's the hottest thing in creation but have no sex drive, so you're going to see your doctor, and also try to fix the sleep dep issue, and will he help you?

Men, by and large, LOVE 'solving problems' & solutions. Present your problem, 2 solutions, and ask for help. ALA Knight in Shining Armor Needed will get a LOT better results than just about anything.

wow - this is just so sad.

I've typed and deleted....and typed and deleted...

very sad. It's like I'm watching this beautiful marriage at the very beginning of its end.

You have "no desire" to give him oral or manual? It's not about your desire - it's about a commitment.

He committed to you, and you to him. All in. All the marbles. Here's my bank password. I will rear children with you. I will love you. I will tell my intimate thoughts.

And now....now you're seeking some tips on ways to manipulate him so that you can continue denying him a sexual relationship with his wife?

I feel very sad for you.
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I read some of your previous posts. Have you seen a doctor? An MD and/or a therapist. You've been asking similar questions about your "oomph" and depression for a year and a half. Tons have suggested you see a doc - but your SWH's tend to mention other solutions like a mom's group.

I'd also like to show you your own words from your Mojo question.

"I know sex isn’t everything in a marriage but I do know it is very important to be intimate with your partner.
What have you ladies tried to help boost your mojo? I want that loving feeling back! Should I be concerned? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? How long did it take after having your last to get your mojo back in full swing? "

Don't seek to shut everything down, try to find out what's wrong. Please

I understand! I am a SAHM of 3 little boys and I am exhausted when they go to bed at 8pm. Most nights I'm too tired for sex, but I try to get in the mood a couple times a week. For me, the earlier the better! Once 10pm rolls around, chances of sex are slim to none! Hubby will light candles and give me a massage--that definitely helps. I'm always happy when we do it--and I think it helps us stay connected:)

I like what 'Just M' said. Spend your energy on intimate time and not on trying to avoid it!

Be HONEST and tell your husband what you said in this question.

Tell him you are just too tired and worn out and (!) because your hormones aren't what they used to be you just aren't as interested in making love to him.

Then tell him what he can do to put you "in the mood".

My wife wouldn't tell me and it really caused a strain on our marriage. I found out she liked to have her feet massaged and her back massaged. I'd have her sit on the bed to relax and I would take her shoes and socks off (or she'd remove her panty hose) and I would get some massage oil and heat it in my hands and then rub her feet. She would relax and lay down on the bed and fall asleep. Then I'd take charge of the kids for an hour or so and start dinner or go out and watch TV with the kids or take the kids down to the pond for a swim. That way the house was quiet and she could take a nap.

I know that's wierd accourding to what some wives say their husbands do, but that's just how this husband shows his wife how he loves her. A wife making love to her husband is one of the BEST ways a wife can tell her husband she loves him.

Good luck to you and yours.

Excuses?

If I am too tired I say I am too tired. Generally the snoring is a dead giveaway. :)

I know exactly how you feel....first of all there needs to be mutual understanding of what is a good frequency for you as a couple - so you don't feel like you have to do this all the time and the husband doesn't feel like he is always denied....then you sometimes have to do it even when you are not in the mood...........and what I have come to realize is that even if I am not in the mood to begin with, I end of enjoying some or all parts and in the end I am only happy that we did it :-)
for the situations when you really don;t want to....I would just politely say honey I am really not in the mood and if you are making love 8 or 9 out of the 10 times then your husband should have no issue with that....
We need to realize that this is an important aspect of the relatiionship especially for men so we need to maintain a good balance and have fun while we are at it!

My husband says he knows when I wear underwear to bed he isnt getting any. He calls it "the panty locks" I guess panties are an impenetrable barrier like the velevet rope at the theatre.

Otherwise I just tell him I'm tired.
It helps to schedule it sometimes - "baby im soooo tired, but tomorrow when kids are down for nap - i'm all yours"

Unless I'm feeling really miserable, I don't deny him the intimacy very often. Generally we are physically intimate every 2-3 days. If I'm not really in the mood, I will be honest and say that I'm tired, stressed, and that he may have to be more "in charge" of enjoyment, but I don't often do the full on no. Reason being, the closeness is good, even if you aren't "into it" totally, and if he's doing things "right", you may end up having more fun then you expect. Women need the intimacy too, but we like to connect before sex, so see if you can get more hugs, etc., to feel connected. Men tend to need sex to feel connected. Maybe that will help. If you can get into a good place in your head about working it out together, it might make it easier. And if you are worn out, ask him to take the kids at least once a week so you can recharge your batteries - that could help. If you can get a sitter so you both can have time together, that should help also. Good luck!

I am a firm believer that if needs are not being met at home, be it physical-emotional-etc.., eventually that person is going to have that need met elsewhere. There are always going to be times that one or the other are "not in the mood" but, sometimes you just take one for the team. I think making excuses everytime are bound to lead to insecurities in the marriage on his part.
Instead of looking at it from the perspective of "how many excuses can I line up to get me out of this", I would try to work on finding a way to bring back those feelings that were once there.
I know that work, kids, life can wear you down physically. I work 50+ hours a week and have 4 kids. That being said..you have to MAKE TIME for your partner. Just like you can't ignore your childrens needs, you can't ignore your spouse's needs either.

I don't usually have excuses. I'm pretty honest and just tell him I am not up for it.

Intimacy and sex are an important part of a relationship. And I think that sex and being physical is often more important to men. No matter how you put it, eventually he IS going to feel unwanted, rejected and unattractive. It's time to have a serious talk with him and let him know truthfully where you are.

I had similar issues after my children were born. I was honest. He was pretty understanding and honest with me as well. He did ask me to see my OB and get my hormones checked out and discuss it with a doctor. Which I did. A switch in my birth control pill helped a lot. And he also asked that I still find some time some where for some intimacy. Which I did...reluctantly. We scheduled dates and times. We went slow. We both discovered new things about each other.

Don't close the door on this part of your relationship. Don't find excuses, be honest. Let him know what is happening. Find a common ground between the two of you. Good luck mama.

Hi MamaRobin,

I tell my SO well before we are making our way to bed. That way I'm not rejecting him while he's coming on to me.

Have you ever regreting having sex afterward? For me, it's like exercise, I'm often not in the mood but it is always a good decision! I would try to initiate more even if your not in the mood...

I hope you two can find a good balance!

I know exactly how you feel. I could take or leave or leave it after 2 kids... and I have a feeling the birth control pills I'm on have brought my libido waaaay down. Once I get into it. I am a "quality over quantity" viewpoint... but hubs wants as much as he can get. The best thing we ever did was start scheduling sex. It seems very unspontaneous I know but I highly recommend it. Then I know which nights its happening and I have no excuses. I can think about it all day and be ready to be in the mood. On the other nights, its off the table so hubby doesn't ask and no awkward situation of trying to get out of it and putting my man in a position to beg or feel rejected. So figure out how many nights a week you're willing to do it (and which ones) set up a plan with your guy, and be there for him on those nights. Then enjoy your nights off. No excuses needed :)

Well gee, you are only human and often after having kids, this can happen.
You are not the only one.

Perhaps, just bond with your Husband, without feeling "pressure" to perform. Meaning, just talk with him, confide in him, let him know that it is not "him" but that, it is common that with many Moms, they can get this way.
Make sure you tell him, that you are not the only one, with these "issues."
Just nicely talk with him... explain that you need more help around the house, compliments or just him noticing you for everyday things, too.
Not just noticing you when he is in the mood.
And Moms, can get too touched out. Meaning, they are with the kids ALL the time and doing things for everyone else... and by the end of the day, they are worn out and just need to be, not pressured about things, daily.
Their cup, gets empty.
Encourage your Husband, to refill that cup. He can do things for you too. For a woman/Mom, that means helping and doing things with the kids too. So that you can re-group.
Re-grouping and having respite, for a Mom, is very important. Otherwise, we are like a Hamster on a ferris wheel. Constantly, constantly, going and going and non-stop. Then at night, maybe, we can relax.
Maybe just do "relaxing' things with your Husband... and it may lead to other things.

And even if you are not in the mood for the full thing, maybe you can just satisfy him on other ways.

At least, he still wants you, in that manner.
And that is good.
But yes, you need to communicate with him... so that he does not feel you are rejecting him or not thinking of him. Explain... that the entire day every day, and with kids, leaves a Mom, just spent. Then we never have time to just be... or to re-group. And that is important, for a Mom/Woman/Wife... otherwise, we shut down. Even if we don't mean to.

Bond with Hubby in other ways too. Think of things, relaxing things, you can do together. Like playing board games, watching a favorite show together or a movie. Just hang out... and have a conversation about whatever. When is the last time, you both just did that or had a conversation about whatever? That could help you feel more bonded with him... and he with you, too. And that is also being affectionate and sharing, and being "connected" with your spouse. Which for many women, this is important in feeling, in the mood.

Well, honestly, men are sexual beings. If you deny him too much for too long, frankly, you will be divorced. I suggest you figure out how to get in the mood real quick or you will not have to worry about it in the future because he will find someone else. Good luck.

MamaRobin, I read both your post and your SWH. I haven't read the other answers, but it is interesting to me how different the info in your original posting and your SWH is. You had me thinking that you two were going weeks and months without having sex because you didn't want to when I read your post. Saying that you have no desire to venture down any love making acts (oral/intercourse,intimate touching) means that you just don't want to do anything, right? Not even help give HIM any help, being at least beside him and helping him climax without having sex?

I know that's one of those TMI things, and I'm not wanting your actual answer here. It's just that I read what you wrote in your SWH, and you mention that he travels 80% of the time, and you have sex twice a week.

I can't really put all this together so that it makes sense. It sounds like conflicting statements. How do you have sex that often if he's traveling so much?

Anyway, I don't think that there IS any good way to tell him that you are never in the mood to do anything at all with him that is sexual. He's your hubby and he loves you and he wants to have sex with you. And he wants you to want him. If you tell him the things you said here, that you use excuses and have no desire for him, and don't think there's anything wrong, you'll devastate him.

The difference in roommates and spouses is specifically having sex. It's fine if neither person wants to include sex in the marriage, but when one person wants to and the other one doesn't, it oftens becomes a roadblock in having a good marriage. If you don't have the desire but want to respect that your husband needs you to have sex with him, pretend that you like it and don't let on that you don't. It's fine to compromise with how often you have it - every night is sure not necessary. But once a month is probably not enough for him.

You don't do it because you owe it to him. You do it for your relationship and because you love him and because he loves you.

Don't tell him that you don't want him anymore.

Dawn

You may not like my answer. If you want him to stay, get in the mood somehow. Watch a romantic movie, listen to sexy music, or remember the good, romantic times when you were younger. Men need to have sex/ touching/ desire to stay around. If you don't want him to leave, figure out a time to do this.

I read you SWH first, but no responses. You mentioned the "scheduled" thing. That is how my hubby and I do it because I don't have anywhere near the sex drive he has. He would like it every day, more than once! Me, I could be happy with 2x per week. So we do it every other night. Sometimes if I'm in the mood, we'll do it two nights in a row, but not often. And if for some reason I really don't feel like it, I'll just tell him I'd like a "pass" for tonight and will make it up to him and it's all good. I don't, however, take a "pass" very often. Many times when we start, like last night for example, I wasn't really into it but within a couple of minutes I was all there and thinking to myself 'I almost missed this!'

So, talk to hubby and tell him how you feel and maybe start the scheduling thing. That way everyone knows what's up each day and you can actually start getting yourself in the mood throughout the day by thinking and anticipating and maybe even a sexy VM or text message to hubby during the day.

I understand what you mean completly!!! After two kids my drive left. I think it's hormonal changes in us. I suffer from migraines so I just tell him my head hurts. And he's very understanding.

Just be honest with him. If you aren't in the mood, just be honest and tell him why. That you had a long day, your stressed out, or you are just exhausted. You can always try and plan some "together" time on a day where things aren't so hectic too, to let him know it's not him and all that too.

Honesty is the best policy!

I want to preface my answer with the fact that my husband and myself have issues, but not in the bedroom, so by no means do I have the perfect relationship, its really flawed.
But I do know this, when it comes to your husband, you have give them sex. Its like a primal instinct for them, they're hard wired differently and this is one of their basic needs. I hate to say that b/c it sounds barbaric, but its true. I wouldn't deny my husband (unless I was really sick or that time of the month), b/c I myself wouldn't want to be denied. I mean it just hurts to feel unwanted.