Advice Needed on My Wife's Decreased Sex Drive.

Sometimes it's hard to go from "mommy" mode to wife/sexual mode. Try more cuddle and touching that doesn't end in sex - like back rub, foot rub, holding hands while caressing her palm etc. Help her - find out what stresses her the most and help her with that. If she feels a little weight lifted off her shoulders, she might have time to look around and think about sex!!! Whatever you do, don't fight about it! Come to her from a caring and honest center, not an angry confrontational one!

Well, most of my friends (who are women) complain about having to be intimate with their husbands. They are busy, raising kids, and they just don't want to be intimate. So I don't think it's uncommon at all.

Well, keep the wine cellar stocked boy!

:)

I am going to second Theresa!

"She only gets super excited and intimate after a few glasses of wine... " Give her a few glasses of wine!

Dude, I think my husband is the most amazing, hottest, greatest man on earth!!! In a perfect world I would want him 24/7. This is not a perfect world, I work full time, I have four kids, I have an insane ex! There are a fair few times I want him more than anything but damn my body is screaming bed! If all it took was a few glasses of wine we would be having sex every freaking night!

Kenny G or Yanni would NOT put me in the mood. ICK! AC/DC, on the other hand - "You Shook Me" comes on and my clothes come off.
And if any man handed me a book by Dr. Laura, he would be out the door so fast it would make his head spin.

Have you tried ASKING her point blank, "Honey, what do you want/need me to do to get you horny?"

It sounds like you are doing some things right, like listening to her and cooking with her, so those are good things.

Are you romantic? Do you compliment her? When you listen to her, do you respond with words of acknowledgement? Listening doesn't mean shutting up and staring at someone, it means responding to their words appropriately. If she has an issue she needs to discuss, do you listen then?

Have you asked her kindly if there is anything stopping her from having a sex drive, and be willing to listen to the answer?

You and she must have had some issues, since you went to counseling for two years. Did you learn anything about her wants and needs during those two years?

Most women don't just want their man to "come on" to them, unless it's been preceded by kind and loving behavior. The comment below about sex on Saturday starting on Wednesday, or whatever, is true.

It's true that some females have a low sex drive, especially after they have kids. It's hard to separate being a mom and being a lover. Sometimes the best thing is to go to a hotel, where you are both away from your daily concerns. It might help get something started.

You have a right to desire sex from your wife, so I suggest you brainstorm with her to come up with some ideas of how she can get in the mood, and be willing to listen to whatever she says, without getting defensive.

And yeah, I don't think her astrological sign has anything to do with it.

And 8kidsdad -- you lost me at get her The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. While I agree with many of the principles of that book -- treating another human being kindly, essentially -- the second a man gives his wife that book because he wants more sex, he will never get sex again. BAD idea. If she chooses to read it on her own, that's different.

Honestly, it has nothing to do with her being an Aquarius.

So... you have 2 kids in the house, that probably keep her feeling like a Mom. That's my experience anyway. And going out on the weekends? That's great, until you come home and have to be mom again (the kids aren't in bed asleep, or there are other "mom chores" that must be attended to--for me, one is medicating the dog and taking her out for the night before I can relax mentally). It isn't so much that the wine makes her horny, it's that the wine lets her push that other "mom" duty stuff out of her mind.

Can you figure out what "duties" she has on her plate that might be mentally keeping her in mom mode, even when the kids are gone to bed, or are at a sleepover at grandmas? Deal with those things. YOU take the dog out. You pack the lunches for the next morning. You set up the coffee pot and double check all the homework/backpack stuff. You plan the menu for tomorrow's dinner. Then, bring her a glass of wine and tell her you took care of x, y, z so she doesn't have to worry about it tonight, she can relax. Then see what happens.

I'm telling you, and I know you have heard it before, women and sex is 99% mental. She is stuck in Mom Mode.

ETA: oh and Yanni or Kenny G? Eww.. would NOT help me.

She is in mommy mode and cannot shake it. She may even think that the kids may hear you all.

1. Hell go out and stock up on red wine. Its good for the heart (and as you say, good for her libido).
2. Buy her some sexy lounge wear--not Victoria Secret, but nice pants and robes that she can wear while cooking and that the kids can see her in--in case they cry out at night.
3. Buy some soothing cds (Kenny G, Yanni, jazz) with NO LYRICS. She needs to turn off her brain.
4. Get the kids to bed early yourself and play the music and just HOLD her while she drinks the wine. LET HER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

I am her. I just sometimes want to cuddle--all of that other stuff will occur once I feel settled.

Are you coming on to her at the right times? I know for me, my husband would come on to me at the most ridiculous times and all it would do is piss me off so then we would end up going to bed angry!

I'm not saying spontaneity is bad/wrong but if I'm in the middle of doing something VERY important, then let me get it done and I'd be much more interested, will be able to spend more time "having fun," etc.

Also, besides the medical part of it, are there any physical appearance issues? My husband has gained a lot of weight since we're married and that has definitely been a real turn-off!!! I know love is supposed to be unconditional, but when you have someone always stuffing their face and not caring about their appearance.... well, I'm just sayin!!!

Good luck!!

You say you saw a therapist, but has she seen a medical doctor? Hormonal imbalances can wreak havoc with a persons sex drive, whether male or female. Plus it's not unheard of for women to start early menopause and that could be a factor as well. Try her physician and have some blood work done, continue therapy if possible and try not to pressure her. Being a female I can tell you one of the biggest turn off's for me is being constantly hounded. Not that you're doing that, but just sayin...

Hand her a glass of wine and look for ways to help her take the stress off. Don't make every backrub foreplay, but if she likes backrubs, foot rubs, someone else to get the kids in bed, then step up. It may take a few days (there's an old joke that sex on Saturday starts with flowers on Weds) but give it a try. Also, nothing turns me OFF more than if my DH acts like a mopey puppy. I'm allowed to have a bad day, or feel bloated, or whatever.

Also, are you and she opposites in what you need from people? My DH is an extrovert and when he's down, he needs attention/people to feel "up" again. When I'm down, I need to be alone. When we are both down, it's a mess. Sometimes I send him out to see friends, I stay home, and we regroup later. Sometimes being introverted and a mom to young kids is hard. You don't get to be "off". If she doesn't get "off" time, then offer some. Is she "uptight" or "stressed out"?

Bottom line, though, is that there's no magic switch and no rulebook. One poster said she likes to be woken up in the night. I'd punch my DH. You need to work with your individual spouse. If she knows what helps, then great. And if she doesn't, ask her what she needs help with around the house. It might be the same thing.

Are you regularly helping with the kids and household chores? Really and truly helping? There is a joke that says something about nothing being as sexy as a man with a vacuum. A lot of truth there.

I'll just share one little tidbit with you. When my first marriage was going south, my ex was very upset with the lack of intimacy. Among other things, I told him I needed help with the kids and house and that I needed him to shower and brush his teeth, he was just gross. Soooo, he would scream and yell at the kids to "clean up or your mom will leave me" and then go shower, brush his teeth and come to me with this big ole smile saying "ok, I did what you asked - can we have sex tonight?" um - big fat NO! If you are going to do this stuff in order to have sex, it is just as big of a turnoff as not doing it. I need him to do it because he loves me and we are partners, not for sex.

Hope that gives you some things to think about.

She may want to have her hormones checked. Hormones start dropping off around her age, and this can cause decreased sex drive.

In the past I was not sexually attracted to my husband. He had angered me so severely that I was disgusted at the sight of him I loved him at the time but did not like him.. It was a LONG 2 years. Then we took a Vacation together 2 weeks to reconnect. ... . no Kids no work no family Just us and our mirage and Love life have never been better.. not sure if that helps but that is my story...

Have her hormones checked.

I highly suggest maca root. I take a natural supplement called "Feminessence" which is just macaroot and boy...watch out hubby!

I think you need to start the "foreplay" long before getting to bed! What I mean, is do things for her. If you see she's cooking dinner, get in there with her and help. When dinner is over, jump up and offer to do the dishes while she takes a shower. My hubby does all kinds of nice things for me EVERY day so when we get into bed, I WANT to snuggle up to him and to make love to him because he has showed me ALL DAY LONG how much he loves me! He also compliments me constantly; I KNOW that to him I AM a very sexy woman and wife.

Also, another thing that we do is we have scheduled sex. His sex drive is much stronger than mine and we used to fight a lot because he wanted it A LOT MORE than I did. So we compromised. We have agreed to have sex at the least every other night. That way both of us know when we're having sex and I can be mentally prepared and he knows that on the nights we don't have sex, that he'll have it the next night so there's no problem on his end either. It works really well and we both look forward to "our night."

Has your wife been to a doctor to have her hormone levels checked? I had undiagnosed hypothyroidism for 15+ years. Getting treatment has done wonders for my libido. There are also other hormones that can result in increased anxiety and decreased libido. She should ask her doctor to do a full blood panel. If her TSH is 3 or higher, then the thyroid might be a good place to start.

You are talking to the wrong women. The one is your house is the only one who can answer that. What it would take to score with her is something specific to HER needs. TALK TO HER. Find out what she needs. First, make sure that she likes you. When I went through a dry period with my husband, he just attributed it to having a new baby and didn't bother to talk to me about my libido. What was behind it was that I was annoyed with him, and I hadn't mentioned it because I was processing. And busy taking care of a new baby.

If she has a hard time getting in the mood, ask her just what she thinks she needs to get there. What do you need to do? Don't try to solve all of it at once. Take it session by session, until you notice that the sessions are more frequent. I'm not sure of where intimacy is between you, but plan some time and load her up with wine. If you guys are out of the habit, then it'll take some time to get back in the swing of things. Meanwhile, tell her that I encourage quickies with my husband when I am not in the mood to go all out. It keeps him satisfied until I'm ready, and it keeps us connected sexually. Even when I don't feel like participating, I just turn over and let him take it.

Sounds like you have tried a lot of things to no avail.....

One thing that affects me sometimes is lack of romance. Im not talking flowers wine and dine jewelry etc Sometimes or often (for me) I'd like my husband to take the intiative to find a sitter, and take me out. I'm not a frills girl either, take me out for wings and a few beers I'm happy. Also, compliments can go a long way. For me as Im getting older, I am also 35, we start to feel like we are no longer pretty, desireable etc. We feel like we are moms, housekeepers, cooks etc. Almost as if our identity is slipping.
My husband is super sweet, a great Dad etc. But there are many times I feel like Im in a funk because ALL I do is take care of kids, house, pets, laundry etc. I have heard it said that for a women, the best way to turn them on is through their mind. Tell her often how beautiful you think she is, what a good mom, or________, think of things she enjoys and compliment how well she does them. I'm sure this is hard for you, but obviously something is going on with her. Has your sex life always been like this?
Good luck!

Dad, I highly recommend after reading your SWH that you DO NOT get her the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" that 8kidsdad suggests. She will probably be highly insulted, considering she is telling you point blank that there is nothing wrong with her. I truly think that you'll be in the doghouse for a long while if you present her with that book...

Instead, get her some trashy romance novels and tell her to take a load off of her feet while you get the kids ready for bed. Tell her that you'd like to join her after you're done for a bubble bath (if you have a tub that can hold two) and go from there. The romance novels might rev her up a bit, and knowing that she is done with the housework and the kids for the night might soften her up.

If none of this works, you may just be out in the cold after she has gotten her kids. I hope this isn't the case. SOME women (not most, thankfully) just want sex so that they have kids, and then don't want it anymore. I'd hate to be married to someone like that, to be honest.

Good luck,
Dawn

Have you tried a vacation for the two of you?
Have you tried connecting physically with out sex? giving her a hug as you walk thru the room, a random, gentle caress on the shoulder or cheek during the day, a backrub with no expectations? Cuddling at night. Let her know connecting physically is important, not just achieving climax.
Have you read about the Five Love Languages to make sure she's feeling loved? Maybe you havent figured out her language yet!
Could she just be exhausted? Maybe she needs more sleep, more nutrition and more exercise?
If she seems uptight and needs wine to relax, maybe you could encourage her to go to Yoga classes, or exercise more.
Does she have a hobby she enjoys, as someone suggested, we start to lose ourselves in caring for others all the time.
Good luck!

I'm an Aquarius and my sex life is great so I don't think astrology has much to do with it. I'm guessing that since therapy hasn't helped the issue it is highly likely that it is medical. Has she seen a doctor?

Just for fun I googled this for you:

http://www.netplaces.com/sex-signs/aquarius/what-turns-aq...

She sounds like a lot of women - assuming there is not a hormone issue she just needs to relax and shut off everything else.
If the wine works, don't fight it.
You might also try drawing her a bath with candles. Giving her some quiet time in the bedroom while you put the kids to bed.
Buy her 50 Shades of Grey.
Give her a massage with oil, but keep it at a massage so she can relax without feeling pressure.

Good luck and have fun!

She may need to know that you were there before the kids and you will be there after the kids are gone.

I would be romantic: Flowers, love poems, the attitude of graditude, cuddling and caressing. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Some time when she feels kindly towards you, give her the book and ask her to read it. You both will learn a lot from this book. Watch the movie, "Fireproof." Then get the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare" and follow its principles and directions.

Women have to have a reason for intimacy. Men just have to have a place. You have to give her reasons to make her feel warm and fuzzy towards you. Then she will have the reason, be prepared with the place.

Good luck to you and yours.

I'm sorry - that's so hard. What helps me get in the mood when I am not at all is to read a little erotica literature. They make this for women mainly I believe. Maybe buy her a book or two (look for good ratings) to try it out?

I am your wife's age and have a 9y/o, a 7y/o and an (almost) 5y/o...so I can relate...

I say you start handing her a glass of wine when she gets home?!

Other than that, have you tried waking her up in the middle of the night...I love that!

Besides that I got nothing. You guys need to have a talk and lay it out for her...Men need sex. Period. It is just the way it goes.

I know it is absolutely true for me that the more sex I have the more I want it!

GeminiFemale

I know you got a lot of response already but here is my 2 cents. I'm in the same boat as your wife. I'm 37 (almost 38) two kids 6 and 12 and I'm a stay at home mom. I'm going through some medical issues that I believe are causing my low drive and I've been having them for years but I can't get the Docs to listen to me. I've gained weight so I don't feel attractive at all so why would my hubby and why would I want him to see me naked???? When I say I'm tired, I am honestly tired! I've been so exhausted over the past 5yrs it isn't funny. A few months back I'd wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. (Found out I was poistive for Epstein Barr). I have a whole list of other things wrong with me but I feel like a hot mess at times and sometimes I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm working with a new Dr now and am waiting some test to come back to rule out RA and then we can move onto thyroid issues.

Is your wife on any form of birthcontrol?? The pill kills my drive, don't even want to see a man naked even if he is from Magic Mike!!! I would have to force myself to give it up to my hubby and he can always tell when I'm not going to have anything happen and then it's a guilt trip for him for trying.

I love my husband, we just had our 8yr anniversary and he is my sun, moon and stars!!! But he is patient with me and knows I try to make him happy.

Has your wife gained weight for an unexplained reason?? Periods off, sudden onset of acne, horrible PMS????? Have her go to the gyno and get check out and have her hormone levels checked and see how the numbers add up. If all is good there, have her regular Dr check her thyroid (Free T3, Free T4 and Reverse T3, Vit B12 and oral Cortoisol) and see what comes form there.

Good luck!
S.

Astrological signs have nothing to do with it.

It sounds like maybe she's not a touchy-feely person. Some people just need to be touched less often than others and have a lower sex drive than others. It's very possible that her sex drive is just not nearly as high as yours.

It's also possible that it takes a different type of foreplay to get her interested.

But the way you describe her reactions to the way you touch her tells me that there might be some emotional disconnect between you. A woman doesn't feel like making love unless she's emotionally close to a man; unfortunately, a man doesn't feel close to a woman until he has sex with her. Quite a quandary.

Maybe instead of guessing, you ask her what types of things make her feel good. Ask her what she likes. Draw out communication and if there's emotional detachment, then fix what's emotionally broken in your marriage before pressuring her to welcome you into her bed.

talk to her and let her know how you feel to be turned down? tell her you understand that she takes a bit to get in the mood but there needs to be a compromise since it is a big part of a relationship.
also suggest she see the gyn about hormone levels?
ask her what you can do to get her in the mood?
date nights
talking
foreplay?

if she was to ask here i would tell her to check her hormones and also suck it up and get it on. if it feels good in the moment then J. force yourself to and the more you do it the more your body will crave it.

my boyfriend has the opposite drive of M.. he;d be fine with once or twice a week, i feel love by being physical and would rather every day. we recently had the discussion on how it feels to be turned down and he admitted he would be a whole lot more pissed then M. if it were the oppositte. how would she feel if you turned her down? ask her

It makes me suspicious when you say she won't go see a doctor. It's obvious SOMETHING is going on if she can't articulate anything more than she "has a hard time getting in the mood." I have to wonder what is really going on inside her head if she constantly rebukes your efforts and can't give you anything more concrete than that as a reason and she's not even bothering to try, becasue that's what this sounds like. She's got you so worked up about the fact that you might be doing something wrong that you actually came online to a discussion board for MOMS (no offense to the few dads here) to find out what's up with your wife. She certainly has you wrapped around her finger. I don't hear from you that she is overwhelmed with housework and kids, or that you aren't flexible and understanding of her needs. I hear that she has some issue with her sexuality that she won't share with you and she's making you feel bad for that.

I think getting a babysitter for a couple of dates a week is a wonderful idea. The other suggestion I have is try to figure out at what point she pulls away, and then try to be intimate with her up to that point and not beyond. Many sex advice people will tell you at this point to put P-i-V sex on hold and find other ways to be intimate. I know you've been very patient up to this point, but stop stressing yourself out about it. Sex in marriage is not the most important thing, but it should be the one thing you two can agree on. Since you are not on the same page, you need to find a middle ground to start with, and then go from there. Am I making any sense? I just feel so bad for you :(

She could be starting peri-menapause. So this could be hormonal. It could be stress, how are your finances? Could be a form of depression. One big clue here is she wiggles out of your hugs. Does she like any form of affection? Do you two snuggle on the couch while watching TV?
Did she abandon her dreams as silly or childish when you got married or had children. As an example she may have always wanted to write or paint and decided that she had to abandon those dreams to be a wife and mother. Now she has hit 35 and feels her life is over and she can not fulfill her dreams.

Only a woman can understand what she is going through.
Once you have kids, things change. Everything changes.....your responsibility as a mother, your level of being beyond tired, your libido.

Don't take this as a reflection on you.
Having said that, it's not ALL her.
If my hubby helped me more w/the kids, I might be more inclined to get
frisky.
If he did more things I wanted to do (he is starting that now), then I'd be more apt to have more sex.

I'm tried at the end of the night.
I have a birth control that zaps all of my libido & sexual desire.
The kids take all of my time, attention and responsibility.
It is ALL me ALL day.

Wine makes her relax & takes away her inhibitions.
No doubt her body has changed from having kids so she may be self
conscious.
Men want physical attention, women want emotional attention & connection.

When my hubby takes me out to dinner (a fun thing I like to do), I'm happy and want to feel more connected to him.

She's tired & by the end of the day she wants to unwind.
That's exactly how I feel at the end of the night.

Hang in there and work WITH her, not against her.
Give her time, space & attention.
Realize it's not feasible to want to have sex every single day when you feel the urge.
As a time goes by in a relationship, a woman does not want sex every day.

Have a reasonable request in your mind like 2 -3 times a week.

I'm so sorry :( I don't know if you or your wife are religious or not, but there is a great blog called "To Love, Honor and Vacuum." among other thing, tips on what to do when your spouse isn't interested in sex, as well as plenty of information on what to do to reignite the lost spark--the author of the blog has a book, "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex." maybe the first step is to he your wife to realize that you love her and want to connect with her on a deeper level. Btw the blog author also has a newspaper column, so I know not all advice is just for religious people. I am new to the blog but it is helping things a lot. Good luck to you. P.S. Stumbled upon this! You may find it interesting... http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/03/reader-question-o...

I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you tried to help more at home? We are the same age as you and your wife and we have 2 kids. My husband had your same concerns. We both work full time but my husband has regular standard hours, I work well over 40, all different shifts and some weekends. I tried something. I initiated sex and was open to his initiations for two weeks. We had sex almost every night, it was a great two weeks but we were tired. I was still doing most (90 percent) of the house work and taking care of kids. Husband does garbage and dishes. Dring those two weeks I thought he would be happier so he may help me more answering my complaints. BUT no, he didn't. Soooooooo I cannot keep up with working full time, taking care of the house and 3 kids. So something is going to give....sorry but it was the sex.

That's just my story. I do hope things get better. My advice, make it possible she can have a glass of wine, no biggie to drink wine nightly!