Hi S.,
You've asked about some pretty serious issues that will be very hard to offer advice on without writing an entire book. I would like to offer my thoughts, though, and hopefully not drag this out all night - :-) First, let me say that I am no marriage expert but I have been married seventeen years in about two weeks. I'm not that old either, I was married at 18. I have three children, two of them two year old twin boys that keep me always tired and a daughter whose activities and school work keep me exhausted so I certainly relate to having to be everything to everybody no matter how you feel. Though I disagree with how your husband has handled his frustrations, I don't fault him for having them. I think it would be very wise of you to find a good book (preferably a Christian book)about the needs of men. I took a Bible study last year called "For Women Only - What You Need to Know About The Inner Lives of Men". My eyes were completely opened to the understanding of what sexual encounters really mean to men. It is a very real and basic biological drive for men and it is exactly how the Creator made them to be. Women and men often have very different ideas of what love looks like. To us, it's more about companionship - having someone we know loves us and cares about our feelings and desires. For men, love is more often communicated by physical encounters - sex. When your husband wants to be intimate with you, he is wanting to show his love and be shown that he is loved. When you continuously reject him, his mind tells him so many things - that you don't find him attractive, that you don't care about his needs, that he is no longer important to you. Basically, you cut your husband to the core of who he is as a man when you continuously turn down his advances. Again, I completely understand that you are tired but I strongly urge you to muster whatever energy you can, whatever desire you can, let go of any selfishness (and we all have it, myself included)and reach out to your husband. Many people will disagree with me but I believe that your relationship with your husband should come before that of your children. He should be your partner, soul-mate, your closest friend. He should know that your devotion to him is rock solid. The greatest gift you can give your children is to show them that you and your husband are so committed to one another that NOTHING could lead you apart.
I know you're probably asking, "Why the hell should I do all the giving and he just gets laid and happy?" I'll tell you why. Because when you start loving your husband sacrifically with a pure heart, you will see a change in your husband that will amaze you. When I was doing the Bible study I mentioned above, I tried to change some things that were pretty obvious that I was failing at. Do you know that my husband was so excited by my attitude that he went out on his own and bought the companion book "For Men Only" and read it and changed some things he was failing at where I was concerned. By letting go of my selfishness and putting my husband first, he blessed me by loving and putting me first.
Let me warn you, if you continue to deny your husband on a continual basis, he will find himself in a situation with someone else that he may not be able to walk away from. There are many shameless women out there that don't give a crap that a man is married or has a family and your husband will justify any "mistakes" he makes by saying if she (meaning you) didn't love me, then someone else will. I speak from experience because at year 11 of my marriage, my husband fell into an emotional affair (Thank God he was caught before it became physical) that nearly tore us apart. While what my husband did was wrong, it opened my eyes to how I was pushing him away and making him feel more like a roommate or a paycheck than a treasured partner.
Now, all of this being said, if you are having some physiological problems that need to be treated by a doctor, run, don't walk to get the help you need. If you're having trouble with desire, find out why and work to get it corrected. If you are so filled with resentment towards your husband that you no longer want to be intimate with him, you absolutely need to get counseling and figure out why. To answer your original question, "is this a normal relationship?", in my opinion, absolutely not (on either of your parts). If you want it to be "normal", then I hope you will start with yourself, I promise he will change, too.
I wish you well and pray that God will fill you with the wisdom, patience and grace you need to find your way out of this dark period in your marriage.
Blessings,
G.