I've realized that since my husband started his new job, we are NOT NOT NOT intimate enough. At ALL. At first I was sympathetic... I know it's tough for him doing hard labor in the heat all day, and he wants to come home and shower, chill out, whatever. But I just realized it's been... about 4 weeks since we've done anything, and it had been about 6 weeks prior to that!! THAT'S NOT NORMAL!! As soon as I realized it, my feelings were hurt. But then I realized WHY we've been having a dry spell... all of a sudden, and I kind of understand, I know he feels super gross after working in the heat and sweating and getting all stinky and stuff... but he won't touch me or let me touch him until he's showered!! Which SHOULD be a nice thing, but kind of totally takes the spontaneity out of things :( He won't even let me kiss him unless he's brushed his teeth. It's weird. I mean, yeah, no one wants to go smooching someone with 10 hour old tuna fish/slim jim jerky/coffee and cigarette breath, BUT, it's ME... you don't have to impress me anymore! If I want to kiss my man, I want to kiss my man!! UGH!
The other side of it is the ugly side of ME... if I don't have sex, I don't feel sexy... and if I don't feel sexy, I don't have sex. Since our intimate time together has been far and few between, and since I've been turned down so often lately, I realized I've given up on being the first one to initiate things. It's happened before, and it's a really hard cycle for me to break :(
I'd love to catch him in the shower, but he insists on showering with the door locked ever since we moved into this house (about 2 years ago) since it's the only bathroom now and he doesn't want the kids walking in there while he's nude... and if we wait until the kids go to bed, I'M to tired and frazzled to make a move.
I'm really kind of worried about this. We've had our intimate ups and downs, but C'MON!! I'm only 27. Sex once a month is a ridiculous concept to me... completely unimaginable... but that's what's been happening!! And I'm JUST NOW realizing it!!
So what's with my husbands new, weird habits? How can I make him feel more comfortable as dirty as he is, if that's what I want?
How can I break my cycle of 'no sex/not sexy, not sexy/no sex'? This is MY issue that I have to drag myself out of... it really is a vicious cycle for me, and hard to break :(
@Leslie, we had a wedding NIGHT (and didn't do anything 'naughty', we COULDN'T, but it was GREAT, LOL!) but no honeymoon... we couldn't afford it, but we knew that, so it was kind of okay. We'll honeymoon once we win the lottery ;)
And it means SO MUCH (thanks ladies!) that you've let me know I'm not the only one... that in itself makes me know in my heart we can rise above this :) I feel a little better already!
@Pamela, trust me, the thought has definately crossed my mind, but I'm staying cautiously optimistic!
What about morning wood? Men love it in the morning. You can wake him up early and send him off to work with a smile.
Def give hubby a break on this one! If he just started this job and it's an outside, physical job it is taking it's toll on him. It is hot as hell out there. And yes, it's just you, his wife, but I don't blame him for not wanting to get kissy face with you. He's probably self-concious. I actually think it's sweet that he doesn't want you to smell/taste him like that. If I know I have bad breath or are stinky I don't want to get physical with my husband. We've been together 13 years and I still try to maintain some of those things I did while dating. I'm comfortable with him but don't want to be *that* comfortable lol. And yes, you do want him to impress you still!!! That is very important to maintaining that spark!
I totally understand needing to break the cycle. And unfortunately it's up to us mamas most of the time-we steer the whole ship sometimes. Don't let this drag you down and make things more tense. Change the bathroom lock while he is gone one day so that it's a keyed lock. That way you can tell him to go in start his shower, you will get the kids started on a movie and join him!
Most bathroom door locks can be unlocked with a butter knife or screwdriver. I'd surprise him by breaking into your own bathroom and shower with him. If this lock can't be opened this way - practice it BEFORE he comes home - then simply disable the lock somehow.
On another note... I'd be worrying that he's taking care of HIMSELF everyday in the shower, which is the real reason he's locking the door.
My immediate thought is to get the kids outta dodge for a while. You two need some husband-wife time. Did you get any sort of honeymoon?
Then I think you need to get dirty. Do some gardening, work out, do something to get you sweaty and dirty and desperately in need of a shower. Many guys are turned on by this alone. Asking him to join you in the shower for back-washing purposes is great for starters.
Sometimes life seems to build a lot of obstacles between us and our mojo, but it is so important. If he seems really resistant, you can joke with him "Now that I'm your wife doesn't mean we can't behave like naughty teenagers." Or he might need to be involved in a more serious conversation about how neglecting your sexual selves is hurting you. I hope he..... responds soon.
I'm not sure I have the answer to your question, but just know you're not the only young gal on this site to go thru this. I'm 31 and have been married to "G" for almost 4 years. We went a whole 6 months were G was too stressed, too worried, too whatever-it-was to want to have sex. I have since stopped wearing lingeree b/c it hurt to much to be told 'no' when I'm feeling hot and sexy. I think it was the stress of the economy, the presidental election, his lack of joy at his job, our house we were living in and wanting to sell it, having a new baby......... For whatever reason he was stressed, it just took his brain there and not elsewhere (like me, where I wanted his attention!) Our sex life is now back on track. I wish my guy was into spontanaiety like yours is/was.
I think it is very sweet that your husband wants to be his cleanest/freshest with you. I guess he's just embarassed that he stinks so bad. Not sure if you can change that or make him more comfortable. You say you're too frazzled and tired after the kids go to bed. I think you should muster up all the energy you have every few nights and initiate it with husband. He might just need 'reminder' about how much fun y'all can have together. :)
My husband is similar in the sense that he just can't get in the mood unless he's showered. Considering the fact that he's either working with chemicals or supervising digs/mechanical engineers/water treatment all day, I completely understand. By the time he showers at night (after mowing the lawn, playing with our son, eating dinner and supervising bed time), it's late and I'm tired. We got into a rut too...
The we remembered that early mornings (I'm up at 5:30 anyway) and middle-of-the-night work too! Go to sleep nakey a few nights and see what happens! Take things... um... into your own hands (?) and remind him that sex (even tired, sore, married couple sex) is fun!
I am a bit like your hubby in that there is no way I want to have sex if I am feeling smelly and gross. Maybe his "habit" is partly out of respect for you and partly that he does not feel sexy with beef jerky/cig breath and dirt all over. Anyways, I know that men are different creatures from us, but I am thinking that were the situation reversed, I do much better getting into the sexy mood if I know and am planning for it to happen. Like if my hubby says on his way out the door, "Be ready when I get home!" Would it help if you send a few sexy texts to him through the day? Or sneak a note in his lunchbox or car? Tell him, "This afternoon's shower better be epic fast, because I will be expecting you in bed at 5:30 pm!" Good luck. We all go through these ups and downs, and at least you are recognizing the issue and are willing to put some work into it :)
I'm a little confused, does his coming home and showering/chilling out first turn you off? Or does he get sleepy and not want to do it after he's had some time to relax?
How about initiating something early in the morning? I hate morning sex but my husband (and most men I think) loves it, so I'll do it every now and then, especially if it hasn't been happening at night :)
Ugh, when my husband worked out in the heat all day he was lethargic when he hit the A/C.
Why dont you tell him not to lock the door because you'll be in there?
I've come to realize that with 3 kids spontaneous sex is out the window. I will text him during the day "You, me, sex tonight". And as tired as I am, the only way I can be comfortable having sex is when my kids are in bed. After the kids go to bed, I take a nice relaxing bath and then get it on. And yes, sometimes I have to do all the work. And dont take this the wrong way, but he is a little older right? My husband is 29 and his sex drive is through the roof! Hes hard to keep up with.. I think when they get a little older, they get kinda lazy. :( Whip his butt into shape girl!
Sweetie, you are not alone. This happens. I have a 3 month old, 3 yo and 4 yo. We don't have sex till all the kids are in bed, too much chance of being walked in on, plus we can't "not watch" them while they're around the house. Many nights, I am too tired to have sex and the more you don't do it, the more you are "not in the mood". So the best thing is to just get yourself into a sexual mindset. Set the mood, light some candles, etc. Don't worry about it being spontaneous or not. Just do it! LOL. Have fun!
I'm 100% like you!! If not having Sex regularly, then I turn "off".... Having SEX makes you want More sex ! I miss sex, we dont have it as much as we used to, as much we both would like to. It is Truly ridiculously hard getting out of this 'rut'! Being turned down hurts badly.
Try Dirty talk about him being 'dirty'!! LOL ~How much his Manly scent turns you into a Vixen!!!! haha You want it Dirty, stinky, hard and fast :-)
Toss a dirty movie in the dvd player and when you lay down for bed, sneakily use the remote to turn it on ----Oops, how did that get in there? ;-)
Good luck hun!
I think it's sweet that Rob still wants to impress you - by wanting to be fresh and clean with clean mouth as well!!!
How cool that you want sex when he's "nasty"!!!! Most men would like that...although my hubby? yeah - he likes to be clean too....hhhhmmmm! maybe it's a Robert/Bob/Rob thing?!?!?!
Sex once a month is sad...very, very sad!!!
BY THE WAY!! Happy One Month Wedding Anniversary!!!
Okay - hhhhmmmmm let me brew on this while I'm cleaning and see if I can come up with any ideas.....you have your MOJO...you've not lost it - it's Rob that is probably going through "his change!"...wanting it less......still...let me brew on this and we'll see!!! We'll make it happen!!
So sweet that he wants to be clean! My hubby comes home after softball cames all nasty and then turns the shower on only to turn it right back off - and then after he gets more sweaty he'll take a shower. I agree there is somehing romantic about being clean before, but something fun about it being the heat of the moment type of deal. Get the kids busy doing something and go do your thing!! The girls can watch the baby for a little bit, right???
I have been there too...and funny but this happened to us in our 20s as well. Things are way better now in our 30s. I felt the exact same way you feel. You have some great advice! I say to break this cycle you should plan having sex together. You both know it has been too long - he probably feels the same way! Tell him you want him and plan it for a specific night after he has showered and the kids are put to bed. Call or text him a couple times that day telling him how much you are looking forward to it and how sexy he is. That afternoon drink a giant strong iced coffee so you are not too tired. Maybe this will ruin your sleep but it will be worth it! Put the kids to bed as early as you can. Break the cycle!!!
Just a thought, espically since its summer... Have the kids go over to a friends house for movies, playtime, anything. Buy fast food, take out dinner for them (pizza, chinese, chicken...) whatever.. just have the kids out of the house BEFORE he gets home.
Then "set up" the house... ok, so he wants a shower before doing anything, fine... but let him know you're going to jump in the shower with him. Let him have 10 minutes to soap down, brush his teeth, shave ect ect... if you can afford to, buy him some new "stuff".
Once you join him in the shower... make it sexy. Soap him down (yes a second time) and going s l o w l y... make it an experience, enjoyable. make him feel like a god? My thought is if you leave him with a memory of how much he enjoyed you being in the shower, you can play off it and get him excited to come out wanting and looking for another chance. It also leave you up to make some fantasies for you to enjoy. "Remember the time we were in the shower....??"
If nothing else... you two need to have a talk. If you can't get him into the conversation at home, make a date night, write him a letter. But you need to get the intimacy back into your life/relationship as a regular weekly thing.
Best wishes.
HI R.!
I don't have any suggestions because my husband and I are going through the same thing. We've been married for a little over 11 years and we have three kids together plus his son lives with us so that's 4 kids. It's been almost 2 months since he's touched me. He gives me the excuse that he's too overweight and he doesn't want me to see him without clothing on. I mean come on - who cares!!! I'm only 32!! So, I guess thank you for writing this so I can try to get some ideas on how to break him as well! :)
