It's Not Really My Place to Say

All you can do is tell her a baby, or babies, are the result of a loving marriage already in place not the glue to hold it together. I know it often does not work this way and sometimes works out and usually not. You can advise her but she is the one who will have to take the advice or not. I hope she will listen for the sake of a baby.

A.:

This is VERY sad....the only reason she is with this guy is to have a baby? YIKES!!

Maybe she will be like other stressed out women and not get pregnant?

I would stress to her again and again (like a broken record) that I love her but she does NOT need a man in her life and she doesn't need one just to get pregnant!!!

I would also tell her that she needs to be a responsible adult FIRST and being a responsible adult means being able to live within your means, paying your debt or bills on time and being mature enough to know that NOW is NOT the time to have a baby!!

GOOD LUCK!!

You don't want to offend her in case she needs you down the road? Offend away, my dear. You can still be there for her no matter what, and she will likely turn to you no matter what especially if she has noone. Friends tell the truth even if it hurts. Let her know how hard it is when you have stability and a good relationship. Having a child challenges/changes the BEST and STRONGEST relationships. Children are a joy and raising them right is the hardest thing you will ever do. Why set herself up? NO man/woman is worth bringing a child into this world for. It's not fair to the baby and it's setting herself up for heartache. Not to mention how irresponsible it is to have a baby when she's already struggling so hard financially. Money is a HUGE stressor and children exacerbate that even more. To purposefully get pregnant in her situation is doing everyone an injustice (the unborn child most of all).

You don't have to be mean about it (though I would if I had to to get my point across) just tell her how much you care about her and want to see her be successful in life. Tell her how she will make a wonderful mother, SOMEDAY in the distant future. Let her read these responses. What you think you know at 20, you will realize you did not by 25 and then again around 28-30. It's just part of growing up. She has her whole life ahead of her to be a mom, she NEEDS to wait. You need to tell her that in no uncertain terms.

If she already knows your viewpoint on the matter then you are done there. The problem as I see it is that 20 is far too young to get married nowadays. In 10 yrs they will be completely different people making life decisions now when they didn't know themselves enough to do so. I'm sure they've heard all that before and she's turned a deaf ear to it. So be it. Sometimes people choose the difficult road in life and they have to live it bcause they aren't good listeners. She's your friend -- think about it, has she always chosen the hard way to do or get things done?

I would recommend she watch an episode of Suzie Orman the financial consultant. If nothing else Suzie can help her realize the importance of getting a job to support herself and the baby should things not turn out well with the marriage.

I would also recommend that they attend premarital counseling class. many ministers won't marry people unless they've taken a class. These are great classes that help people identify key triggers that can cause marital stress and highlight the people oin the realitionship's ideas about very important topics as related to marriage.

Much luck to your friend.

.

As a friend you have an obligation to try and give her a reality check. She may not like it, may decide to stop talking to you... but at least you know you would have helped her to the best of your ability.

You are correct too - both her wedding plans and trying to conceive are very bad ideas.

I prefer to write things down in a letter or card, because then you can really think about how to put things. Take input from the various stories here, I especially think the one about being a single mom later and having to give your child to that a**hole ever other weekend would be an eyeopener.
Find an funny card with an appropriate message and insert a short letter with positive info about how much you like spending time with her, remember this and that event, and that you fear that her future may not be as rosy as she is hoping for with this man. But assure her that if her future falls short of expectations your friendship will endure. Even if she does not want to hear it, I think it will give her the message that you are a true friend.
I just reread some of the answers below: perhaps you can just print your question and these answers which should give her a wide range of input.

Her brother's wife you say??? That's going to make for some extremely interesting Thanksgivings!! I don't think it's your place to say anything either, but maybe you could have generic discussions with her about how much babies can cost (eg, 'I read the other day that it takes $1.5 million to raise a child tp ten years old!' or something like that). It may just get her thinking about her decisions a little more deeply.

She sounds messed up. A woman who deals with a guy like that has very low self-esteem. While we know the outcome of this and her life thus far, there really isn't anything you can say or do to make her change her mind. Be supportive as much as you can. If she does ask your opinion etc. Be honest but not hurtful. Unfortunately, this is a situation in which she will learn the hard way.

Your friend is on a path to that is going to lead to more heartbreak and sorrow. You are such a good friend to be so concerned however I hate to say this but there is nothing more you can do to change the circumstances. You say you're friend knows how you feel so you have spoken. What a frustrating situation for you! I think you have to decide what you are willing to tolerate as far as supporting her. For example are you willing to answer the phone at 3 am when the next big crisis occurs for her with this loser of a guy? I also feel sorry for the baby they haven't even created yet. It never had a chance. Hang in there. You are a good friend. But set your limits! Don't be walked on and call it a day when you know you should!!

Thing is.... most people don't take someone elses advice until THEY reach out for it. I personally would not say anything, esp if you haven't been close in awhile. Things aren't going to change and she is still going to do what SHE wants to do. I don't agree with her wanting a baby right now, but she is 20 and not 16 and therefore an "adult" albeit, 20 is still young..... It's a case where you just have to let things young their course... Your friend will have to figure it out for herself. I really doubt that whatever you say would have an impact. it's nothing personal ... it just sounds like the girl has her mind made up....

If you decide to talk to her you may want to share my friends story. She was married to a man that was really immature and couldn't\wouldn't keep a job. She thought that if they had a baby he would become more responsible. They divorced 6 months after the baby. Now she is a single mom who has to give her child to him every other week-end. He still doesn't have a steady job. He lives with his grandmother. The baby comes back with bruises and\or lice. She's had to get DCF involved to investigate. If she hadn't had the baby she could just move on and forget him. Now she's tied to him for the next 18 years (or more) of her life.

How about recommending them to a counselor? Find out where they are getting married and state your concerns with their pastor or whoever will be marrying them. He/she should be able to nicely offer some free sessions to help them see what they are getting into.

That is probably the most gentle way to break this to her. I assume you spoke to her about your concerns? If not you can have a one to one and discuss that you are concerned for her future.

After that, once you have already spoken to her once, and after the pastor suggestion, I think you are done. She is a grown up now and will be forced to take on the consequences of her choices just like we all have to do in life.

Your friend is clearly sabotaging herself and her whole life. But standing by her does prove what a nice and loyal friend you are. But if you are close, you will continue to let her know your reservations about this. I think, given the fact that you said neither has people that they can rely on financially or emotionally you would be good to redirect her to other activities where she can build her self esteem. She is not marrying for any correct reasons, she is winning the prize, probably a personality trait that she will have for a long time.In these cases, where there are cheaters the person thinks that the cheater won't cheat on them again and they also get an adrenalin rush about being the winner in this sick trio. There are a lot of people on earth who are willing to marry the wrong person to prove they are right or correct at their own expense. They is an explosion waiting to happen. She thinks since she won the prize (the guy) over her sister in law, that she is now the winner. Sadly she is closing all other options. You can take her to churches, events, and schools to lead her into a life with other people who have things in common, activities and paths to a good future. Explain this 'winning' thing to her. Her trophy is going to crumble soon and it's really not worth putting it back together. He will probably cheat on her again.

This is tough. I totally understand wanting to protect your friend. But in telling her you run the risk of her being angry and pushing you away. I've been in that situation twice. The first time was when I was 18 years old. One of my two high school best friends was engaged to this guy who flirted with everyone of her friends and cheated on her a few times.She expressed wanting to have a baby with him as well because then he would always love her because she would have his child. He approached me a couple of times and even told me he would leave her if I would be with him. Of course I told him off. A group of our girlfriends got together and decided to tell her. Because I was her best friend I was elected to be the one to tell her that we felt she could deserved better and what he was doing. I did and she kicked me out of her house that day and she hasn't spoken to me since. She married him, had a daughter with him, caught him cheating, and divorced him.
The second friend I walked into another "friend's" house and caught her with my friend's fiance. He would talk about how he wanted to get her pregnant so he could "lock her down". Another friend and I told her what he said and how we caught him cheating and that we had seen him doing drugs and that we thought she deserved better. She never spoke to the other girl again and we've just been able to rekindle our friendship last year (10 years later). She spent 9 years married to him with him cheating, using drugs, being mentally abusive to her and their 2 girls, and isolating her from her loved ones. She left him after 9 years of marriage. She says she wished she listened to me but she felt angry at the time that I was questioning her judgement. It's a fine line. It's good you want to help your friend but just be prepared for her to maybe be angry and push you away.I don't regret telling either of my friends because I was trying to protect them and be a good friend and I told them out of love. But it was hard to lose two friends over a guy.
Good luck to you.

I haven't read the other posts, but here's my thoughts. I wish that I had someone who would have sat me down and told me the truth about things. I had my son, but he was unplanned and so my ex and I married when I was 7 months pregnant. I think that I thought that he would change when we got married. He cheated on me a few months before that, was always thinking about himself, going to the bars, etc. I found out the hard way that marriage is only a piece of paper unless the two people going into it are truly invested. My situation ended with a messy divorce and me being a single mother to my son. I didn't plan on having my son and he lights up my life, but I can't say that every day has been easy. All I can say is that he is my one and only. I refuse to have any more children, even if that means I never have another, unless I am in a stable, committed, loving relationship. I know it can be hard to speak up to a friend when she is making a mistake, but a child should be a celebration of 2 people's love, not a ploy to stay together. If you do talk to her, be sure to express that you will be there for her no matter what, but that you are concerned. I wish someone would have said something to me. Good luck, this is a hard situation to be in!!! :-)

She's young & naive & is going to have to learn the hard way. You can't control anyone, but yourself, so you'll either need to be the supportive friend, or distance yourself from her.

Unfortunately, unless she is ASKING for advice, you are giving it to her unsolicited. Let her fall and let her fail. She will resent you if you preach to her before and since she knows how you feel already about it---let her make her choices. She will be a better friend if you don't get involved. If she does say something about it you can say----Mary, I am uncomfortable with what you are saying...are you willing to hear my opinion? Or would you like my opinion??? If she say yes of course, then let her know the truth. If not, she doesn't want to know.

M

The issue is not whether or not it is your place to offer your perspective out of genuine love and support. The issue is the uselessness of speaking when you have no hearing. I have seen several women become vindictive toward the women who truly love them and want their every happiness for them. The backlash can truly be harsh.

The reality is that family courts are filled with women who had a child with the motive to keep a man or married for some emotionally unstable impulse. It is a harsh reality. I have learned to focus my efforts on those who want to hear my thoughts.

Tricky, because the world is full of people making bad decisions, and you can't go around telling all of them.

Lots of people are very poor and the kids can grow up to surpass all expectation. Telling people they can't afford to have kids is sort of morally not OK, it's a basic human right for better or for worse. I know uppety fully medically insured (through a spouses work, not on their own dime) wealthy people with kids in expensive neighborhoods going to private schools who are in LOADS of credit card debt. Who are they to judge people with far LESS debt using a system they have also paid into to help have a family? Are those kids genetically inferior? And not all poor people use the system. My husband an I paid for 3 child births out of pocket and we're NOT rich, but we deserve a family as much as the next guy and we provide very well for the kids on every level with no assistance and no debt by living modestly.

Certain wealthy friends of ours "suggested" we ought not to any have kids if my husband's job didn't offer insurance. Really? Because in America things aren't structured to support all parents, we should plan our lives and futures accordingly? Talk about letting the government run your life! This advice came from an entitled wealthy wife who has NEVER worked a day in her life who felt no one poor should have kids because THEY'RE irresponsible. We now enjoy 3 kids while they struggle with one spoiled one.

However, you say he's a cheating cad, and she's trying to trap him by having the child, and they may make horrible parents. Again, is this any of your business? Maybe. If she's a real friend to you, and you are speaking from kindness, share your thoughts out of genuine concern, not judgment. If she hates you for it, she probably wasn't your real friend.
That's all you can do.

You already stated you are somewhat distant at this point with her, so you have nothing to lose to tell her the truth. It may fall on deaf ears, but its worth a shot. We all can already see with 100% certainty that this 'idea' of hers to marry an adulterer and have a child with him is so skewed and messed up, the only place this will be headed is a divorce, a broken home, a child who may not be provided for. What I would do is tell her you want to speak to her alone, then put her in the car and drive to a family/marriage therapist, and have the professional talk some sense into her. To want to trap a man with a pregnancy is so dysfunctional and shows her self-centered thinking. She will end up a single mom on welfare if she follows her idiotic idea. I would seriously tell her the truth, and the fact is she may not listen - that's why I think seeing a therapist would possibly put that seed in her head that's missing. If in the end, she doesn't listen, she will learn from her stupidity. The only person who will be shortchanged here and hurt is the poor infant that would be trapped in this nightmare. I personally couldn't even be friends with someone like this - she is seriously insecure and needs help immediately.

Financially: Well...look around! She certainly won't be the first woman to have a baby without insurance or financial security! Not approving, just sayin'! I agree with Amy J..there's no "law" banning poor people from having kids...and there's no "test" to make sure someone is "ready"!

Your role as a friend, is to keep your mouth shut. Her life, her choices, her mistakes, her consequences down the road....

Now, if she thinks a baby is going to make things better...she's gonna have a lot of reality coming crashing down soon after the birth.