Would You Want to Know? - Butte,MT

IF I had a few weeks to live? Probably not, though I liked the suggestion of informing family and her attorney. That's what I *think* I'd want. It's hard to say since it's just hypothetical. I find my real choices are often different than my theoretical choices.

If the cheating happened under more normal circumstances? Yes, absolutely. I would want to know.

I wouldn't feel like I had much of a friend if they saw something like that and didn't tell me. Not only would I feel betrayed by my husband (cause it's always found out somehow) but I would also feel betrayed by my friend is she/he didn't tell me.

I would most definitely tell my friend.

And I would DEFINITELY want to be told if the man I was dating was already married!!!

I would want to know and I would tell the wife. I wouldn't have said anything to the husband when it happened but I think you did. The right thing by telling her.

I don't think the responses said you should have minded your own business, did they? I thought most of them were against you telling her because she was dying. But as far as speaking to him in the restaurant -- that part was great.

Yes, as long as I wasn't dying, I would want to be told.

Wow! GrammaRocks' story is an eye-opener!

I would want to know, but that's not the same as being told by someone who's figured this out before you. Telling can backfire in so many ways. I would take care of it in a discreet way, such as going out to drinks/dinner with said friend in a place that I've seen the husband and other woman. It could also be that the friend knows/suspects but knowing that you know puts pressure on her, because she knows that you are judging her by her actions (such as if she decides to stay with him, when she knows you would never do that and don't understand her decision). It could be that for some reason, they have an open marriage, are married in name only, or whatever. There are just some things that are private/personal and we should not get involved in them.
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Oh, reading the responses, is it true that the friend has terminal cancer? If so, I would never, NEVER bring her the additiional pain of telling her! If you've never been directly involved in such a situation, you don't know how difficult that is for both sides. I've had cancer, and a close friend died a couple of years ago from the same type. Her husband was a devoted caregiver, but she wasn't able to be much of a wife to him toward the end, and she did tell him it was okay if he was looking for sex, to find it with someone else. He did not take her up on her blessing for this, but their relationship was very one sided in those last months.

Yes, I would want to know. I'm all about honesty in a relationship. I'm not sure if my opinion would change if I was dying. I love that you went up to him and asked about his wife!

I agree with you on every point. I was cheated on. If after that betrayal I found out that my friends either knew or had strong reason to suspect and said nothing to me, I would have considered myself to have been betrayed by them too.

If I were out, I would snap a pic with my phone if I could do it subtly, I would definitely say something to the guy, see what his reaction is, and then tell my friend and send her the pic so she sees evidence. It's hard to believe even with evidence staring you in the face and even easier to dismiss without any evidence.

Of course after notification, it's none of my business unless my friend wanted to talk. Some people could have open marriages, you never know and it's not for us to judge but I would at least let her know that I've got her back in case there is something going on that she needs to know about.

Yes, I would walk up to the table and say something so the man would know that I caught him and so the lady friend would be made privy to the fact that he is married.

I would most definitely tell my friend (however, in your situation with the dying friend I am still on the fence).

Yes, I would want and expect to be told that my husband was cheating.

Yes, I would want to know if I were dating a married man.

Hi J.-

I saw your first post...and if 'my' friend were dying...I think I would have a MUCH more difficult time 'grappling' with the issue...

BUT...in MY case...I would have appreciated 'friends' cluing me in that my NOW ex was having affairs and making "OVER tures"...

I spent several more years in a marriage with an abusive drunk...thinking 'if I could only hang on til kiddos are older....'

Silly ME!

If ONE of my friends had had the 'gonads' to be honest with me...would have saved ME...MY KIDDOS...and the court system a LONG (and ongoing) workout!

I would tell...probably imminent death and all...

I would want to die honestly...

Just my experience...

Best Luck!
michele/cat

Yes. I would want to know. And when I walked in to the bowling alley and saw my husband holding hands with another - it sealed it for me. I was lucky enough to have a friend who told me, so I really wasn't as shocked as I should have been.

Yes. I would tell my girlfriend.

If I wasn't married and out with a man that told me he wasn't married and it was a 'DATE' via a meeting - heck yeah I would want to know.

Good for you for saying something to the cheater! I hope I could be so brave in the same situation. If I were unknowningly "the other woman" I would definitely want to be told. Then I would tell him either he could tell his wife, or I would. If I were being cheated on, I would definitely expect my friends to tell me if they knew. However, if I were that close to dying, I don't think I would want to know. This is definitely not a "mind your own business" type of situation!

No, I would not want to know. Knowing would only hurt and would not provide useful information for working at my marriage. The affair is just one part of a complicated relationship. There is plenty to work on without adding the very painful information.

I've been there with significant others, not in my marriage. After we'd broken up I learned that my so had been seeing other women. I was glad I didn't know at the time. The relationships worked out based only on our relationship with each other. I didn't need to know about the affairs to end the relationship. By not knowing I was able to deal with the dynamics of our relationship.

And I would not confront the husband. It's none of my business. It's between him and the women. I'm a firm believer in staying out of other people's business.

Yes!!! I would HATE knowing, and it would devastate me. However, I would NEED to know. Cheating is my deal breaker. I grew up around cheating, and I will not tolerate it under any circumstance. If my friend knew and didn't tell me, that person would have no place in my life. My friends know that I won't stand for cheating. If they kept it from me, I would be done with them.

Bottom line, I have no desire to be in a false marriage. I don't for a minute believe, "what you don't know, won't hurt you."

I was you once. I caught my best friend's husband cheating, and promptly told her. BIGGEST mistake of my life. When she confronted him he told her it wasn't true, and that it must be because I had come on to him and he'd refused me, which NEVER happened. I had underestimated his ability to lie to keep the truth from his wife, she believed him, which was her right, and it was the end of out friendship. Either he was quite a bit more discreet or he changed, they remained married for many years and when he died of a sudden heart attack at a gym a few years ago she refused to see me but I heard she was truly devastated by his death.

In answer to your questions, yes, I would want to know and would want my friend to tell me what they observed, but wouldn't expect them to. And, having learned the hard way I personally would never tell a friend again.

My husband was on a business trip. I was able to go with him. Another wife went as well with her husband. One morning, we saw a woman walk out of the boss's room very, very early. We were getting ready to fly home, so we were up early also. The woman went back into the boss's room, so we knew he knew that we knew. We had breakfast altogether that morning, without the mysterious woman. The boss told us that his wife wanted to talk to us, so we should call her. She obviously had no idea about anything. We opted not to tell her, to keep the secret among ourselves. The wife wasn't a close friend, but we socialized with her quite often. In the end, I think it was the best decision. He was a totally changed man. I think he realized how close he was to losing everything. He knew that in a word we could have destroyed his family (well, he would have been the one destroying it, but we would have been the ones to tear down his house of cards). We've since moved (this was about 17 16 years ago), but every report we've heard since then is that this man is a totally different man, you wouldn't recognize him, etc.

I think in theory, I would say that you should tell, but in practice, I don't think it is my place. Confront the man, perhaps. We didn't have to say a word. He knew we knew. In the situation we were in, where we lived, etc., gossip was rampant. The thing is, his wife was the worst gossip. She was forever talking about everyone who had a breath. We had all sorts of reasons to tell her. But, we just didn't think it would have been wise. I'm so glad we've kept this secret. Even to this day, I wouldn't tell anyone. I've told my husband. That's it.

And, yes, if I were unmarried and out with a man, I would want someone to let me know he was married. I'm pretty sure this woman knew he was married in my story.

I would ABSOLUTELY want to know--both if MY man was cheating on me, and if I was the person he was cheating with.

Okay....you were the one that asked and you had a friend that is dying of cancer, right? I didn't respond to the first question but I would have said, don't tell her. Let her die in peace.
NOW...if this is a different case, and the woman is not sick and dying than I absolutely would tell her. I would go up to him and say something, just like you did, and then I would probably give him a couple of days to tell his wife/my friend. If he didn't I would sit down and let her know what I had seen. She can do what she wants from there. But, I think that if I saw something I would want to tell the other person because I would hope to God that if someone saw my husband stepping out that they would tell me.
In fact, if they DIDN'T say something to me and I found out a later date that they knew I would not only be divorced from my husband but furious with my girlfriend too. I would have been made a fool by my husband AND my friend!!
Also, I have been out with a man and then received phone calls or been talked to by the "real" girlfriend and I was very thankful to have been made aware. I don't want to waste my time trying to make a relationship work just to find out that I am a "on the side" kind of deal.
Cheating is a horrible thing and I cross my fingers that I never have to deal with it. But, your situation was a bit different with your sick girlfriend. If she really is on her last couple of weeks to live I think she should be able to pass without needing to deal with the blow that her husband is a jerk too. If, by some miracle she continues to live and get better than HELL YES I would tell her.
L.

I think it was great that you walked up to him, sorry I didn't mention that before. Still if I were dying I would want to die happy even if it was an illusion.

I just realized you left out the biggest part of the first post, your friend is dying of cancer! Sure if he was straight up cheating she should know but dying puts a huge spin on it.

Not sure if anyone will put this out there but my ex cheated, you know they are cheating, everyone who has been cheated on does. Thing is you fall into two camps, those that require proof and those that flee from the truth. The former will be open to your proof the latter will hate you.

My response was IF it was true then he is an a$$.

However, all the facts are still unknown.............. what if he and his dying wife have some type of arrangement, what about hearsay, did you seem them in the act? You don't know this "other woman" so for all you know she is feeding you a bunch of BS. Those were questions I posed because we don't know about the private lives and arrangements of all of our friends.

You have to do what you feel is right for you and what you can live with. The turning point for many on responses was that your friend is dying... that makes this much harder to determine what to do if you know all the FACTS.

If it bothered me as much as this bothers you, then I would speak with the hubby of your friend.

My husband would not be caught cheating, that is just how we are. We've been together 25 yrs and it is just not something either of us would consider. We are very solid emotionally and financially and have a stable life.

If I may, I'd like to answer to this post.

I was cheated on, several times, and well you know what that does to your self-esteem.
I have learned from experience to not say anything that is related to a couple it is their business only.
Why? Because maybe the person cheated on knows but doesn't want to realize it, and it will put your friendship in jeopardy
Maybe husband will deny the whole thing and she will believe him and not you and that will also put that friendship in jeopardy.
Maybe they both know it and don't care, who knows. But that's the thing, besides that can put you in a very uncomfortable position, because you can't get thrown into the mix, and that is a very stressful position.
This happened to me my boyfriend was cheating on me and a friend call me and told me, I (stupid of me) believed him when he denied it, he went as far as telling me she came on to him, (which I believed) needless to say I was very nasty (immature of me) to this lady who in fact didn't believe it, I put her in an awkward position and I even ruined a relationship she was in. Needless to say she did not accept my apology and never forgave me. (Not that I deserved it)

I would expect my friend to tell me and would be completely hurt if she knew and didn't tell me. If I were out with a man and he was married, HECK yes I would want to know! I don't want to play second fiddle EVER! I'm worth enough to be THE ONE AND ONLY!

I didn't catch your last post, but I applaud you!!! It takes courage and guts to do it. I for one, caught my BIL with another woman. This woman had came over to their house, and were outside talking. My SIL was not home. No biggie, but I knew what they had did BEFORE my BIL was married, so I knew something was up. I came over at just the right time. Of course I caused a huge scene and told the woman off, as well as by BIL. He said they were just friends. I said then invite your friend over when your wife is home. I never told my SIL, but I know she knows. She'd have to be stupid not to. Anyway, yes, I'd want to be told about it. I may have failed when I didn't tell my SIL, but that was 20 years ago, and they are a good family, and I have no reason to believe that my BIL has cheated on her. And yes, if I had a relationship with a man, and he was married, I would want to know.

Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.

I'd want to know. I'd want HIM to know that someone else saw him/them and knew.
I think most of my friends would also want to know, so I probably would tell a friend (not an acquaintance, but a FRIEND).
BUT in the situation described in your original post--no. I think death trumps cheating every time. Very sad.

I would tell and would want to be told. It's a secret that shouldn't be kept.

I would want to know if it were my husband cheating. I would also want to know if I were single and unwittingly dating a married man. As for whether I would tell a friend if I saw her husband misbehaving, in most cases I'd have to say yes. The only time I wouldn't say anything is if it were crystal clear she already knew and had decided not to care.

Yes I would want to know. And I would tell my friend. To me cheating is a deal breaker. Not just because of the broken vows and trust but because you never know if he (she) could be infected with a disease.

I personally know a man (former neighbor) who had herpes and refused to use condoms. He infected women and didn't care how that effected their lives.

There was a story, about 2 weeks ago, out of Detroit of a man who knew he was infected with HIV and his plan was to infect as many women as he could beore he died. He had been infecting women for many years and was finally caught.

I think you acted just right. You did not get in his face and cause a scene, you simply walked up to the husband of a freind and asked about how the freind was doing. If what he was doing was innocent than he would have answered the question and everyone would have gone about their business. As for me, yes, I would want to know if my SO was cheating, or if I was being played a fool by an already married man.

If my husband was cheating on me and my good friend never said anything, I feel that would be worse. You didnt ask to be in this postion so instead of you telling her why not confront the husband? He chose to cheat, he should be the one to confess! I would also add that if he didnt say anything by such and such date than you have the obligation as her friend to let her know. Who would she rather hear it from?...... I dunno but I'd be turning in my grave knowing my cheating husband was now living off my death with the other women!

You are in such a difficult situation due to your friend being so ill. However, I think you did a GREAT job by calling that jerk out on his cheating ways. If I saw a friends husband out I would do exactly the same thing and I would hope and expect a friend to do the same for me (that and throw a drink in his face, slap him, and kick him in the balls) if they saw my hubby cheating on me. Also, yes I would want to know but if I was that sick I really can't say for sure. I'm torn on that one because I would not want to die with a broken heart.

I am glad you "called him on it" My concern still is for his wife who may be in a position where it is too late to do anything emotionally or financially. What a hellacious place to be, find out your husband is cheating and not be able to do anything about it. To top it off you mentioned she had money of her own that wasn't community property. It may be too late to make changes to a will if she truly has less than 2 weeks to live. Only a good attorney in that are would know and then be able to make the changes and know the best way to keep her husband from contesting them as death bed revisions. What a horrible two weeks! I wouldn't tell her but sure wouldn't go out of my way to help her husband from now on.

If the situation were different, and she weren't dieing that would be different BUT as GrammaRocks found the hard way it could very well end the friendship.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Good for you. I hope you have talked to your friend already...before he has a chance to manufacture some BS lies.

But a few pics with your phone would probably have helped to drive the point home and make lies from him impossible.

Best of luck.

Hello,
I would have put in my response the 1st time, but I noted you are going to talk to her parents & her lawyer first, since your friend was dying of cancer.

If it was me, I would want to know. The cheating jerk who knows now he has been caught, should fess up to it & try to make what days she has left a memorable one, IF she still wants him around after he tells her. I think I would tell him that if he doesn't tell the truth, that you are going to tell her everything.

I think it is good to clue the other woman in that he is married. You might consider introducing her to the friend & let her tell her side.

But, I totally agree that she needs to find out so she can change her will if she likes.

But as said before, I would approach her parents for their opinion on how to approach her now. If she is strong & still able to go places, then she should be able to handle the news with her support group surrounding her.

Best of luck & may God Bless,
C.

I am PROUD of you for confronting the man, and you didn't cause a huge horrible scene, so well done.

I WOULD want to know, her story with the cancer was just an odd twist that made it difficult.. but I think I would still want to know.

I would want to know. For my "friend" not to tell me would be, in my opinion, like they are taking his side and lying (by ommission) to me also.

(Have you seen the movie Dilemma? Decent flick. Vince Vaughn catches the wife of his best friend cheating. He approaches her -Wynona Rider - and says "you tell him or I'll tell him." and it gets all crazy from there. )

BTW - my first husband cheated on me ... once? twice? ten times? Not sure. Not one person told me. I suspect that at least a FEW of HIS friends knew and did not tell me. I was pissed that they didn't tell me. But I guess they were HIS male friends, not my female girlfriends.

1) YES, I would definitely say something to him AND the woman he was with if I saw my friend's husband out with another woman.

2)YES, I would definitely tell my friend since I would know FOR SURE that something was going on. I would not say anything if I just suspected it. If you know other people know too, and that just makes her look like a fool.

3)YES, I would absolutely want anyone who caught my husband to tell me. And I can speak from experience on this as my husband WAS cheating on me (multiple times with the same woman who did know he was married) and finally a woman told me about it 10 months later. EVERYONE else knew about it but me!

4) YES, I would want to be told if someone knew for certain my husband was cheating - whether they were a very close friend or just an acquaintance.

5) YES, if I was out with a married man and didn't know that he was married I would absolutely want someone who did know to tell me!

I don't know if I would have the guts to say something, but I think you did the right thing; I think you should tell your friend; if my husband were caught doing this, I would want my friend both to say something and to tell me; and if I were out with a man who was married and he hadn't told me, I would want someone to tell me.

I would want to know if my husband were cheating and I would have wanted to know if I was dating a married man. However, I would not fault anyone for not telling me, even a close friend, because I know those types of things can be complicated.

I've been in both positions, the one seeing it happen to someone I love, and being the wife of the cheater. I would have preferred someone TOLD me, but no one in my circle of friends knew it, either. When I was the observer, I didn't go to my cousin and tell her because her mother painted such a rosy picture of her marriage to that bum. Years later when she finally did file for divorce, and she expressed to me that she didn't know for sure if she had grounds, I told her everything. I also told her WHY I didn't come to her. I mean, if people are going to put on such an act to deceive others about their situation, they get what comes with that deception. I wasn't going to be the one to pop that pink bubble if that's how she wanted to live! If just once she had confided in me (and we were very close growing up) I would have told her. She understood my reasons.

If I saw the husband of a close friend, yes I would say something to him - maybe not at that moment, maybe in that moment - depends.
I would tell him to tell her first - if he did not comply I would tell
I would want my man to say something - he is a coward when it comes to that stuff so he would probably come home and tell me and have me "fix" it.
I would want to be told, by him of course but if it's by a friend then it is
I would want to know if I were out with a married man, but maybe in a descrete manner.
I have been cheated on, sadly it was my best friend with a man I had just started dating and I thought we were getting serious. Little did I know that when I introduced them later that night they found each other in bed. She finally told me after a few weeks, the friendship was ruined.

Plain and simply....YES!!! At the very least...let someone in her family know so that they can try and handle the financial part of this so the creep doesn't get any cash. Unless of course it was agreed on by the wife....which could happen...but not likely!