I'm Not a Mom...I'm Not Even a Wife!

I think that it is great you both want to get out of debt before getting married. Is it just an excuse for him though? what happens when it is paid off? If he still comes up with something else, maybe it is time to think about finding someone who IS ready and who WANTS the same things you want at the same time. I hope that isn't too harsh, but from the outside looking in, it seems like it just isn't working. if you honestly think that he will be ready and that he will marry you, HONESTLY! Than maybe you should stick it out a little while longer. If not, I really think that you can do better! There is someone else out there that wants the same things you want! My husband and I are almost seven years apart, so I don't think age has anything to do with it, I just think that you may not be as compatible as you think you are. I really hope things work out for you and I also hope you don't waste the next 4-5 years waiting only to be disappointed in the end! Break it off now if it is never going to happen! good luck!
-H.

You still have time to have kids i would try to have them before age 30 or 35 though because the older you get the chance of getting pregnant goes down.And get married when you are ready. And good luck! T.

My husband and I got married to make things like insurance and renting a home easier. We already shared our common goals. We already had dreams of our future. We already had commited to supporting each other in each other's pursuit of dreams. It became a matter of...convenience. As disturbing as someone found Marie's answer, it really is just a piece of paper (with a name change that no one tells you is a HUGE pain in the rear).

My advice? Be patient. Stop seeing Marriage as something that will change your life, because the commitment that marriage represents evolves without you even noticing. The question is not, when do we get married, but, are we committed yet? Once you realize you are, the marriage part is cake.

Wow, you made some very good points in your post.

I think it just all depends on your own values, I'm almost 36 and have never been married, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years (and living with him for almost 3 years) and Marriage isn’t even a topic of conversation.
If any guy I ever dated asked me to marry him after 15 months, I probably would have panicked and ran, but my relationships never lasted that long until this one (lol)

But my aunt on the other hand, If there is no sign of marriage within the first 7 months, or he shows signs of being flakey in the matter, she dumps him and moves on.

Even though my relationships didn’t last, doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt over not having somebody. It was very lonely for a while. I did have a son when I was 23, but his father left us when my son was 8 months old. I thought for sure I'd be married with 3 kids at this age, instead I have one child with no biological father in his life, we're living with my boyfriend, and despite our decision to try to have one together, life has a different plan, and we can’t have kids together.

So it sucks because sometimes (or too often) life doesn’t happen on our own time line. Nor does it go the way we want.

If starting a family soon is really important to you, and it isn't important to him, then there is a heart breaking decision to make, to either compromise your values, or leave, and neither one is easy.

The only advise I can give (and it may not be good advice since I live such a different life - and yet not all that different) is to just try to enjoy each day you have. You’re still young. Get to know your self, enjoy who you are and what you have as a single women right now, push your self to be the best self you can be (with out him- meaning - do it for your self because he may not always be there) pray about your situation (if you are a prayer), and I believe the best answer on what to do comes when we are being our best with our self and are in a state of peace with our lives.

It sounds like, with you knowing what you want, that it won’t be too much longer before one of two things happen.

But believe me, the only thing you could possibly be missing out on is what you do have today if you're focused on what you don’t have. Life is truly beautiful, there is no waiting for something to happen in order for it to be beautiful, Its beautiful now. And you are Beautiful. And I'm sure if you talked with your friends, they might say there are times they feel they are missing out.
Make life great as a single woman while you’re single.
Make life great as a married woman when you’re married.
And you'll miss out on nothing.

Ok I'm off my soap box. I do believe my words and hope maybe something I said can help, even if it’s to just know you’re not alone.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It is your promise to each other that you will do all you can to support each other on through the eternities. If one or the other is not willing to do that than it may be time to find someone who is. In today's world people would have you believe that marriage does not matter and can end at anytime. That is because we are becoming increasingly selfish on one or both sides. Marriage takes work, it takes sacrifice, and it takes love on both parts. But it is so worth it. My husband and I went into our marriage saying divorce is not an option. We have great communication, he is so supportive of me and I try hard to be supportive of him. That is how a marriage should be. I would say ask him straight out if he plans on marrying you, and if not, as hard as it is you should move on. I married my husband when he was 21 almost 22 and I was 25. Age shouldn't matter. It is the commitment one has to the relationship. I know this to be true and if you look inside yourself you will know too. Having a family is one of the greatest blessings anyone could ever have, and important to that is a supportive mother and father who love each other and are dedicated to each other.

Have you brought up the subject with your boyfriend recently? Maybe he is feeling the same stress/anxiety about the subject as you are. Talk to him about how you feel, but make sure it is in a non-threatening way (i.e. don't bring it up if you are disagreeing on something at the time). If he dodges the subject, he may not be ready for marriage and you will have to decide whether to stay with him and wait or move on to find someone who does want to get married. But you never know, maybe he just doesn't know how to bring it up again!

Marriage and family is for the rest of your life. You are only 24, so in the grand scheme of things, you have plenty of time. It is more important to be sure that the person you choose wants the same things in life as you and that you are both prepared to work as partners for the next 60 years or more, than to be concerned about what your friends have going on in thier lives. Raising a family is extremely hard work, but it is so enjoyable when you share that experience with someone you know is going to be around for the long haul. I give major props to the women and men who have to raise thier children on thier own, but why risk having to do that when you can avoid it by being sure about your decision? Making sure now that you are both making the right decision will be so much more rewarding later on when you do start your family and you get to watch them grow together. I am only 29 myself, but almost half of my married friends are already divorced or thinking about getting divorced. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, but only got married 4 years ago, when we decided together that we were ready to share our lives completely. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and raising her together has brought us so much joy. I love being a mom, but I also love knowing that my husband and I will still have each other when our daughter grows up and begins a life of her own. This is the biggest decision you will ever make, so take your time and make sure this is what you both want.

Everybody has different goals, but I think you are rushing things. Marrying a 22 year old is risky especially if he is hesitant. You are only 24 these are the best times of your life. Enjoy your friends and do things you enjoy. I got married 2 1/2 years ago at 27 and at times feel that was too young. Things change... some of your freedom is gone even in the best marriages. So enjoy what life brings you know and don't force things.

S.~

I dated my current husband for 3 years before we got married and we didn't get married until I was 36 and I had my first child when I was 38 and I am working on having a 2nd child. So there is time for you to get married and have kids. I wouldn't rush it just because all your friends are married and have kids. Live life to the fullest have fun try not to stress about getting married and having children. It will happen in time.
I would be totally honest with your boyfriend, tell him how your feeling and ask him how he is feeling about the situation? Can't hurt and honesty is the best policy.

Hope this helps!

Did you chase him or vise versa? I think that guys that don't work for a woman aren't nearly as interested or commited because they did not go after the girl. I know that my brother has been in the situation three times and all three times he dated them for 2-4 years and still has not tied the knot. They all chased him hard.
Your guy is young and being two years older makes things I think all the more difficult. I think you might take a break from eachother. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever." This statement is highly true, or has been in my life. I was married at 24 and now have four children ;0) I am 30 now. If a guy didn't chase me, I didn't chase them with the exception of one I dated and loved very much needed to do the chasing and he didn't. My husband chased hard for 4 years ;0) He won my heart. Anyway, there is my two cents worth. Blessings!

I have to say MEGA DITO"S on what Janessa said!!!! Marriage is worth it, and is MUCH more than just a piece of paper. I feel sorry for anyone who things marriage is not important, because it takes away the sacrifice and commitment that a real relationship should have. If he TRULY loves you he will want to marry you. I would say that after 15 months of dating he should have a pretty good idea of whether or not he wants to marry you. You should talk to him about it, and if he's really not ready for marriage, maybe it's time to move on. Follow your heart and you won't go wrong. Communication is the key. If you can't talk to him about your feelings now, then in marriage it probably won't be any better. But have patience, things will work out...whether it is with this guy or someone else.
I got married when I was 24, my husband is 8 months younger than me. We have one son, and another on the way. Marriage is a lot of work, but it is also the greatest blessing in the world. Kids are the next greatest! Count yourself fortunate to have a desire for marriage and family. There is nothing better in all the world!

You're both still pretty young so I wouldn't rush into anything. I got married when I was 25, my husband was 28. We waited another 4 years to have children. I think getting out of debt is a smart thing to do because if/when you get married, it's one less stress to worry about.

As for missing out on things, I think you'll be thankful that you had a fairly carefree young adulthood without the stress of marriage and kids. No one can tell you how long to wait, but I can tell you that I was glad I didn't have kids until I was older (first at 29 and second at 31). My husband and I got to enjoy just being married, got out of debt, bought a house, etc. And we were financially better off with better jobs and were really ready for the demands of parenthood.

As for talking to him without putting on pressure, that's easy. You simply tell him that these are the things you want in your life and you want to know if he wants the same things, making sure that you tell him your not demanding them now or in the immediate future, but if you both want different things, it's better to find out now. And if you do want the same things, at least you know you're both working towards the same goals - whether it be 2 years or 7 years from now.

Honestly, I say enjoy your 20s, have fun. Marriage and kids will come in time. Because once you have kids, you can never go back, so you really want to be ready to enjoy them for every wonderful thing they will bring to your life!

honey, first talk to him. If he's not ready to eagerly commit, move on! You don't want to pressure him into anything. what kind of relationship would that be? It needs to be a mutual desire that neither feels obligated to have. Good luck!

I understand it's hard to feel rushed into getting married and starting a family when your friends are. I got married at 22 years old, my husband was 21. I thought that was too young, but we are happily married. I'm 31 yrs old. One thing we did do was wait to have children 6 years into our marriage. We waited on purpose. We completely enjoyed being newlyweds for 6 years. We got financially stable with a house and finished schooling. We had our first child when I was 28 and our second when I was 29 years old. We are really happy we did it that way (waiting to have children). As far as trying to tie the knot already, I think it would be good to be open with your communication and express your thoughts completely, even saying that you have been nervous about even talking to him about it.

Stop pressuring yourself so much! I dated throughout my twenties without even thinking about marriage/kids. When I was 29 I married my best friend and had my first child at 30. We now have another child and I just turned 33. So, it can happen all at once. I know it's hard not to stress and our society puts a lot of pressure on us (women) to get married and settle down with a family. Think about the things you want in a relationship and a future and soon enough everything will work out. Relax! You're soooo young still!

S.,

You've got a wide range of advice. I'd call Dr. Laura!

I have been to several seminars regarding marriage. The speaker hit a high point when he said "taht the number 1 thing a woman wants in a relationship is "security." It seems that if two people are in love, finances should not be a hinderence to getting married.

My mom once told me...why would the farmer buy the cow, if he gerts the milk for free? It took me awhile to figure it out, but I finally got it. I waited until I was married to give it up, (I was 25 the first time I had intimate relationship.)

My now 24 year old daughter belonged to a group of kids in high school, called "The Respect Team," which stood up for abstinence...their motto "I'm Worth Waiting For."
I would abstain from intimacy, because "Your Worth Waiting For." If he doesn't like it, just tell him, your gonna wait now "until you are married!" Sound crazy? If he is serious, he will marry you. If he walks away...he was not whom God has chosen for you.

Blessings,

C.

Oh, S.. Take your time. You're only 24. Statistics show that people are waiting until much later before being married, and lovin' it.
One way to look at it is this: Rarely if ever, have I heard someone who's happily married say, "I wish we'd gotten married earlier." On the other hand, a comment frequently communicated is, "I wish we'd waited. I wish I didn't get married so soon. I missed out on so much by getting married so young." (24 is still young, my friend).

You're absolutely normal to want marriage in your life. Most of the human race is wired that way. We have a deep need to know and be known by a best friend forever. It's what makes the world go round!

But relax. Enjoy singlehood. Marriage and family is awesome. Speaking from experience as my husband and I are very happily married with three teenagers. But it's not been without a ton of hard, selfless work. Marriage doesn't complete us. Having children doesn't complete us. At a marriage conference we just attended this weekend, we heard that the strength of a marriage (which must come first if you want a happy family life) is only as strong as each individual is personally healthy. That's being emotionally, spiritually, socially balanced, etc.

On the other hand, S., you are an inspiration to many. That you and your boyfriend have the goal to bring down your debt before marriage is a great strength many would aspire to have. Accolades to you, girlfriend! May I encourage you to take that approach toward marriage. Wait until it's time. You'll both know when that is. In the meantime, enjoy developing your inner strength, personal interests, relationships with others, hobbies, career, service to others, volunteer, etc. There's so much in life to do.

You have a great future in store!

I married at 19 years old and he was 6 years older than me. I thought I wanted to have kids with him and tried to talk him into it. But after almost 3 years of marriage we divorced. Even though he is a great guy, I was glad that I didn't have kids with him. I started dating my now husband and we talked about marriage, I would get fustrated with him because I was getting older and I didn't want to be too much longer to get married and have kids. Well we dated for 8 years before he proposed to me. We have been married for 4 years now and I had my first child at 31. He is 3 1/2 and we are trying for our second. Even though I got fustrated with him I don't think I would have it any other way. I am so happy now. I hope you will find some happiness too. I would definitely talk to your boyfriend and tell him what you want out of life and see if he is on the same as you. Just relax and have fun. I know it is hard but it is worth it in the end. Good luck!!

Sorry to say, yes I think your being ridiculous.
In this day and age who says you even have to get married??
Gave you one to think about huh?
Why stress yourself and your relationship out over something that means very little in the scheme of things.
It's a piece of paper that cost very little to begin with, but if the marriage goes haywire then it costs in every way.
So just think about yuor life now, and what would it really change if you got married.
Because that piece of paper makes a woman really want to CHANGE her man, because now they are married and she is in control.
Yes, I have been married four times, and 20 years with this one.
If I had it to do over again, I definately would have had my 3 sons, but I NEVER would have gotten married.
Good Luck

I am going to jump in here because Marie seems to be getting hit hard for he comment, plus I wanted to say I got married when I was 18 and my husband was 19, and If I could do it over again I would have waited a few years! You may be ready but you BF is only 22 and men/boys do not mature as fast as girls do. My husband and I are going on 18 years of marriage....sorda, there was a period where me and another lady were prego at the same time, I on #2 w/ him, she had other children cause she was a little older then him but she was on #3, mind you she didn't have custody of her other children, her being a little older he thought the grass was greener on the other side and left me and our children, I was 21 years old and it broke me, today I am raising their 2 children and have had them since they were very small, she has no involvemant in their lifes, they are mine regardless, it was a lot of work on mine and my husbands part and to this day he has a lot of guilt, what I have realised is that he wasn't ready and I "forced" the issue, I really believed that that piece of paper made a huge deal, what I have discovered is the paper is just a paper, but the vows we took and are going to retake are what is important, the paper says that he can claim you legally for taxes, it allows you health insurance and a few other legal advantages, but that isn't what makes the marriage, a marriage is mind, body and souls coming togather as a whole part, and you don't need the paper for that to happen, but you do need to be in the same place in life, you may be ready for that but your Bf may not, evaluate the situation be honest with each other and if you are not on the same page then it is time to move on cause it won't work if he pressured into it!

S.,
your feelings are valid, but sometimes it's so easy to get wrapped in the feelings of "i must get married" that we ignore that part about whether it's right or not. you are very, very young and he's even more so. if you really want the opinion of a 38 year old mom who had her twins at 34, i would say, wait! have a blast during these years. don't push marriage yet as you are going to change so much over the next few years. and, there's no true time limit to dating. i will say, though, that if you aren't comfortable talking to your boyfriend about your feelings and your desires, then you aren't ready for marriage. yet. open communication is a key element. have fun and look out for your interests.

With the advances in medical technology Women are waiting longer and longer to have children. I had my son when I was 27 and my daughter when I was 29. That being said, if a family is really what you want you need to have an honest conversation with your boyfried. If you're going to get married and have a life with this man it needs to have a foundation of honesty.

Also, don't rush into anything. You are both still very young. I met my husband when I was 22 and we waited 5 years to get married. However, I would'nt put qualifications on getting married such as being out of debt. Part of being married is working on and solving problems together. And if he doesn't really want to be married there will always be someing to "fix" before you get married. You'll end up very frustrated and bitter if he us just using those things as an excuse not to get married.

One last thought - I have some friends who were waiting till they were financially secure to have kids. They still haven't had any and are now in their late 40s. Something always came up that they had to address financially before they had kids. What I'm trying to say is you'll never be financially ready. Things will happen and you'll have good months and bad months. But if you have a strong relationship with your husband you'll be able to get through any of it.

S.,
The other Ladies put it well. Be straight with him about what you want in life. Again not demanding but honest. If both of you agree you are in good shape if not you might need to look else where. I was married and had kids at 19 but everyones life is different and we are all on a path of becoming who we are. Wait until you are ready for the wife and kids role and with the right person. It makes a big difference. You need to agree on those key points in your life together. I am old enough to be your mom. I have children older than you and all I wants is their happiness and to wait until they are ready to marry and have kids. Oh yes I want grandkids but I also want them to marry the right mate. Just make sure he wants what you want.
Blessing,
C. B

Hi S.,
Well, first off, you're very young and you've got lots of time. You're not even close to running out of time. Also, when I was 23, I was single without prospects, and pretty bummed out. I was singing at a good friend's wedding, and telling her my woes. She said to me, "You'll be married in a year". I was like... yeah, right. Just over a year later, she was attending MY wedding. My husband and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary! When it's the right one, things can move very quickly! :-)

The bottom line is, that if you're ready, and he's not, then he's not the one. I don't mean to oversimplify or be harsh, but that really is the truth.

Just because you've not talked about marriage recently, doesn't necessarily mean anything. I mean, think about it... He dated his previous girlfriend for 4 years and he's 22. That means he started dating her when he was what, 18 or 19 years old? Which, by the way, is usually BEYOND way too young to get married. So, of course he they ONLY dated her for all of that time. AND, you are not her!

Don't be afraid to bring up the topic for discussion. If he freaks out about just talking about it, then that should also tell you something, right? Don't waste time wondering what he's thinking. That just leads to misunderstandings and mis-perceptions, which can lead to a lot of time-wasting game-playing. It doesn't sound like you'd be too into doing that.

You know what you want; go for it! If the two of you want different things, wouldn't you want to know that sooner, rather than later?

You have my best wishes!

First of all- you're still plenty young and his brain probably hasn't even grown in all the way yet.The way you feel about wanting to be married is secondary to the point. The point is- - does HE feel the same? If you are in a relationship of trust and if you are both in love and feel ready then there is no big reason to not get married. You are both adults, etc. So, does he have a commitment problem? Or is he not as sure about the relationship as you? Probably you should just ask him and see where he is. That can be scary- but, you don't need to waste your time if his intentions are different than yours.Are you as willing as his ex to wait around four years and then get dumped- four years older? I guess you need to weigh your priorities- and if you decide you don't mind the gamble than stick around- he may come around. Who knows, maybe he is ready and just waiting for a nudge- you won't know until you ask. He might be at a different place in his life than you- sometimes when that happens it means you either sacrifice what YOU want right now to be on his schedule- or you sacrifice the realtionship and find someone where you are.At that point be emotionally strong enough to do what you have to do. Goodluck.

Hey Andi,
I think I would need to understand the kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend a little better to give the best advice.
But I would ask you to take a serious look at your relationship. How well do you really know and understand him? Have you seen him angry, sad, happy, excited, hard at work, exhausted-at his breaking point?...You have to understand that he is only 23-what are his goals. And 15 months isn't that long to date, especially where he is used to a good 4-year relationship, but at the same time it sounds like you are definitely ready for the next step. So the question you need to ask yourself is--is he the right one for you and if so, are you willing to wait? And if not, you need to have a serious conversation with him to find out his intentions and if he is not ready, maybe it is time for you to move on. I know I was a 'runaway' girlfriend. I would date guys, and I loved several of them very much, and I could see myself with them, but I just wasn't ready...And I would let them know I wasn't ready and they would tell me that was fine with them, but eventually I could tell that it wasn't ok with them, So I would break up with them, and sure enough every single one of them were married within about a year after breaking up with me. It wasn't fair to them to make them wait for me when they felt they needed that companionship now. The man I finally married waited for me for a long time. He 'stuck around' and was there for me, and we did casual dating for about 7 years before I committed to him, then we seriously dated for about 1 year before I married him. He says that he wanted to marry me all along, but he truly knew me, and was playing it cool and giving me the space and time I needed. And he got me in the end. Some of us just take a long time to make the final decision to marry. This guy may be one of those people, and you may or may not feel that you have that time to give, and that is fine! But if so, it may be time to let him go and move on, or even take a step away for a bit. You need to consider your goals and life ambitions. Children, career...

I know you might not want to hear this, but you are both very young and there is plenty of time! With my husband, I never pressured him to ask...we dated 4 years before tying the knot. I know this sounds weird, but I was asked by 4 other men to get married before I said yes to my husband...I never let on to anyone that I wanted to get married and if anything, I more let on that the idea of marriage scared me, because it did! I sometimes wonder if that's partly why I've been asked so much... Just lay off, don't put the pressure on and ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with or if you are more concerned with getting married and having children before the age of 30. It's a matter of what your priorities are...the right guy or a planned timeline. I once had my life planned...life wasn't really concerned about my personal plans it turns out!

S.,
I felt the very same way. Although I dated my husband for four years before we got married. We were both 32 when we got married and are now both 35. No matter your age, it's very important to take things slowly and just let them happen in their own time. Nothing is ever good if its rushed. 15 months seems like a long time but really you have the rest of your life. take it from someone that was just like you at your age, all good things to those who wait!

S.,

I can sympathize with you feelings of fear that you might never get to start a family.

I remember being 24, single, with no prospects. A year later, my husband and I were engaged and sooner than I realized we were having children. I'm now 36 with 4 children and planning on having more. My doctors are not concerned with my plans to have more children. My doctor told me his wife had their last when she was 42.

Before I got married, I knew of a lot of women who had married older and they always said, "I wish that I had enjoyed being single more than I did."

When you are single, you can do more things. Once children start coming along, your life will never be the same and you will worry more than you ever did before. Enjoy where you are now because the one constancy about life is it will change.

And now for some advice on love and marriage. Ben Franklin 's advice: Before Marriage keep your eyes wide open, and after marriage keep them half closed.

It really is important to keep them half closed after marriage.

And one more little story: On her wedding day, a daughter turned to her mother and said, "I'm so happy. I'm at the end of all my troubles."

Her mother replied, "Yes dear, but which end."

Love is work. Is it worth it, yes. But it is work. Keep your eyes wide open and your heart listening to what is right for you and you'll be ok.

Good Luck. May all your dreams come true.

S.-
My advice...don't push him. I dated my husband for several years (4 years) before we got engaged) We have been married for 9 years in April but, it has been rocky to say the least. We have been in counseling three different times and I can't say that either of us are happy. He feels like he was pushed into it (after 4 years I said do it or I'm dating other people!) He's a great man and I love him but, it is not the romantic whirlwind I want. We have two terrific kids and I can't see myself ever leaving him becuase of them but, I wonder how things could have been if we had gone our own ways...even if only for awhile.

Good luck to you- I undertsand your frustration. Hang in there.
H.

Wow, S., did you ever stir it up! Good girl! :) I was reading through all the responses and I just have to give my story and advice, too. (I'm a big sister, butting in is what I specialize in!) I am now 38, married 10 years in Aug, with three intentional children, ages 6, 4, 1 year. I'll do the math for you: I got married at 28, gave birth at 32, 33 (almost 34), and 36. I have been both a working mom (2 years) and a stay-at-home mom (3 1/2 years). Somehow, my husband and I never discussed before marriage: kids (when, how many, how to care for them), money (how much is enough,what to do with it), debt (his gigantic student loans, my cc debt), where to live (he and I grew up and have family 900 miles apart). Before I got married I finished college (Bachelor's degree), got a job,bought a car,travelled to Europe, Mexico, and Central America, and bought a house (by myself, in my name only). I had lived with another boyfriend and learned from my mistake, so we chose NOT to live together before we got married. Looking back, that was a good choice. But we did spend a LOT of time together at my house. After we were married and before having children, I got my master's degree and we took a road trip for 31 days across the USA (8000 miles in a car teaches you a LOT about your car companion in a big hurry, try that!). We also took time to do some other more local travelling and playing (like jet skiing, snow skiing, going to beach, etc.)

Although my marriage has been very rough at times,and we've discussed time and again that we WILL make it work because our children deserve to have parents, and now we've discussed the other things I mentioned above, we make it work. It is NOT eaey, it IS a LOT of work. My advice is this: determine now what your big goals are in life and work toward that end. You will find someone along the way who has the same goals and whom you are NOT afraid to talk to about your goals and dreams. And for goodness sakes, ask him questions. While men do not communicate in the same way as women, they should be able to hold a conversation and be serious enough about your feelings to answer your concerns.

One last note, be sure the man you plan to spend your life with has a job and knows how to support you and your family. Whether you choose to be a SAHM or a working mom, he needs to know his part and you should know how to accept that sort of help (my weakness).

Good luck and please update us.

Whatever you decide I'm sure will work out just fine. I am just writing to say that I felt the same way at 24. Now I am 27 and really.. there's plenty of time in life for everything. I look back and wonder why I was so worried at 24. I guess it is because I too had lots of friends that had been married for a while and had lots of kids. But really 24, is not old at all! It wouldn't have hurt me at all to wait and take things slow.... :) But everyone is different. I just know what kind of feelings you are going through. Just remember you are not old. There's plenty of time. It's just hard to wait when you know that marriage and children are so exciting. But, you will have that for the REST of your life... enjoy what life has to offer you now because it won't last much longer. Good luck.

You may hate me for this but run. He should more communitive about you guys' status and if you guys haven't even been planning well he knows you are almost out of debt. He plans for money and not for your future realtionship? Lots of red flags. Talk to him, see what he says you have waited long enough getting married to someone who doesn't love you hurts trust me. Being comfortable is not enough.

Hi S., I am also 24 years old and I have a 5mo old baby boy......the father and I are NOT married and the issue has came up of us tying the knot several times, but what we always get resolved is that as soon as finaces are under control we will get married. But in reality you will always be in debt if you live your life the way you want to and have the nice things that you want to.....so that is why I don't consider that any excuse anymore. Don't rush things because pushing him can lead to him possibly wanting to get out of it later on. Take things one day at a time and if he is looking at it as "if things are good now why mess it up with a piece of paper" Then it is a good possiblity that he is looking at divorce before marriage. Things will work out when they are ready to. I find it easier to say this, and enjoy life the way it is now other wise you will just get stress out and frustrated. However don't neglect the issue be sure to talk about it and see things from his side and find out what he wants. Also it is important for him to know how you feel and see things from your point of view. I hope this helps and I know trust me it is very frustrating.

I do not think you are being ridiculous. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to be frustrated. I agree with the other ladies here who have said that he should know after 15 months of dating whether or not he wants to marry you and that it sounds like his actions are not showing that he's marriage material. As hard and painful as it is, if he's not eager, happy and excited to be with you and be married to you than maybe you shouldn't be with him. I know it's great to be loving, kind and forgiving and all but the one single most important decision you can make is marriage because it effects EVERYTHING and it is the one decision in life I think you should be absolutely selfish with.

First of all, the most important thing in marriage longivity,
is the ability to communicate with each other. (To communicate
means to LISTEN AS WELL AS TALK.) If he doesn't bring up the
subject, you should feel comfortable to do so. Talk about the feelings that you have, and then ask him what he is feeling. He may think that because you haven't brought the subject up, you aren't interested anymore. If you can't talk now, you will be very unsatisfied in your marriage to him later. Love and sex only go so far to keep a marriage happy and healthy. You don't have to always agree, but you need to know how each other feel about whatever subject you are discussing.
I have been married to the same guy for 45 years, and it took me the first 27 years to REALLY LEARN AND UNDERSTAND THIS.

Slow down girl!! I made the mistake of getting married way too young at the age of 19. My now ex-husband, was 6 years older and pushed the issue of children immediately. We had our first child when I was 20 and our 2nd when I was 21. I don't regret my children, but I do wish I had waited. You have so much more living and growing to do. I'm not saying you're not mature or ready for marriage, but I definitely would never recommend pushing someone into marriage. Your boyfriend will come around when he's ready. He's still very young. I advise my kids all the time to wait until they are at least 28. In the meantime focus on you, your career, really look deep inside at what defines you as an individual. Think about waht you really would like to achieve for yourself besides becoming a wife and mother. Would you like to travel somewhere, etc.? My grandma had her last child when she was 45, you have plenty of time!! Don't feel like you need to keep up with your friends. Best of luck to you!

You are both so young...you have plenty of time to start a family. I would not pressure him; 22 is VERY young for a man to want to make a committment like marriage. My husband wasn't ready to get married until he was 30! I just waited patiently, because I knew if I pushed him into it, he might do it for the wrong reasons. Don't worry, it will happen! This also may not be a popular point of view, but you don't have to be married to start a family, anyway.

Dear S.,
As a marriage educator and therapist, I have to say that the biggest concern I have about your relationship is that you feel you can't talk to your boyfriend about these issues. I don't think the biggest issue is whether or not to get married right away but whether or not you can talk to him about your feelings openly and safely. If the two of you have open lines of communication and can address your issues and conflicts well, then the relationship can grow and develop whether or not you marry. If the communication is closed off and you don't work out your issues, that is a big red flag that the relationship is going nowhere and you should consider your options very carefully.

take care, S.

S.,
you are not getting ahead of yourself. You need to
know that the plans you and your boyfriend had set before
are still underway. Women are on a biological time clock. So, maybe you could help him understand that in the nicest way possible. Also, since you are very much in love, tell him the qualities you see in him that would make him a great father of your children. The key is respect... showing respect for each other and compromising. If this relationship is meant to be, it will be the first of many compromises. If you keep getting the impression that there will always be an excuse for getting married, tell him how much you love him and how enjoyable those 15 months were. Then let him know you are moving on. You will love many people in this life, but you can only marry one. The best interest of your future children should play a role in the decisions you make now. Best of luck.

J. W.
mother of four

S., slow down. I know how you feel because I've felt the same, but you need to stop concentrating on your biological clock and concentrate more on this relationship to find out if this is really the man you want to marry anyway. Think about it, you're 24--many women have babies in their 40's and if God hadn't meant for that to be, He would've made menopause come earlier. God willing, you still have a long life to live and if you settle for someone because you're afraid you're getting too old, you might have to suffer a lot of unhappy years or a painful divorce for making a bad decision. At 22 your boyfriend might be too immature to be getting into a serious realtionship. It might be time to come right out and ask him if he's ready for marriage. If he doesn't give you the answer you're hoping, at least then you'll know better what to make of the situation. But don't get so caught up in worrying about your age. It would be much better to spend your twenties finding a suitable father for your future children than to hastily make them with someone who turns out to be a dud.

I believe that generally speaking, you can let him know that marriage and family are important to you and that you are not interested in a relationship that is not progressing in real ways... evidence that there is some kind of commitment. For me, at 15 months, that would mean a proposal and a ring pretty soon... and a marriage date not very far in the future (my LDS values would preclude premarital sexual intimacy, but the advice applies, LDS or not... plenty of non-LDS guys are willing to marry someone they REALLY love without waiting years).

A lot of women have a very hard time letting go when a relationship is not progressing. Some stay in it for years and eventually get the ring, many more who stay in it for years realize later that the man they have given so much to was a waste of prime life time that could have been spent getting to know other potential mates. Since some men have commitment issues, it's best to figure out if that's an issue for him now than later.

You have every right to say, "I love you and feel this relationship could be my future. I know I am special and want to spend my time with time with someone I love who is also confident in making future plans with me. If for some reason you have reservations about making future plans, I think it's time to make a change in our relationship (maybe a separation or break-up), something that would ultimately lead us in a different direction for our futures, or that would increase the desire for a future relationship together, and give us confidence to make and carry out those plans together."

Somewhere out there is a saying that goes something like this: If you let someone go and he doesn't come back to you, he was never yours...if you let him go and he comes back, then he is yours forever.

Incidentally, I dated quite a bit, but had not yet married at 29. I was dating my next door neighbor (who was 21) just a few months; and I really cared about him. Because I was getting older I may have been more concerned about "wasting time". But I told him that if he did not see our relationship as one that was progressing and possibly leading to marriage, that I wanted to date other guys who were interested. He let me know that he couldn't guarantee yet that our relationship would lead to marriage but the he really cared for me and saw it as somewhere he would like to see it go if it continued to progress. We were married 6 months later, 14 months after meeting one another and a little less than a year after we started becoming close friends and dating one another. We have now been married 8 1/2 great years.

On the other hand, I had dated a different guy 2 years before I met my husband. "George" had just come off a 4 year relationship. I had indications that he wasn't ready to make a commitment, even though he was more than happy to stay in a relationship with me. I broke up with him thinking he would come back to me, and he didn't. It broke my heart and I cried often over the next six months. He ended up marrying his previous girlfriend 3 1/2 years later. Hopefully for her, that doesn't mean a husband who wonders if his wife didn't value herself enough to say, I'm too special to be treated like this. Hopefully he changed his ways, but because of unkind things he said about her while I was dating him, I wonder if they are even together still. I know for myself that the first guy doesn't hold a candle to my husband.

Good luck, remember how special you are. And if you have any doubts about that, spend time doing things that make you know it more! I got a little long-winded there, but I hope I said something to you that helps! : )

I am sure that you have heard this before, but you are way too young to stress about this. Most importantly, you need to make sure that this is the one for you. And I hate to say it, but about half of your friends that have been married for years with kids will probably be divorced before they turn 30. The fact is that he is 22 years old, and he is still maturing and he is not going to be the same person now as he will be when he is 30. I was married the first time when I was 18, and we were married for almost 9 years. He was my high school sweetheart, and we had dated since we were 15. He turned into a nut case around 25 years old. ANd we are talking about the most normal person you ever met-everyone was shocked. He began drinking heavily, and cheating on me, and everytime I told anyone, they told me that I was paranoid, or imagining things. Sadly, we had 2 children by this time. Looking back now, (I am 31 now, married again) I see that we were way to young to have gotten married. I wouldn't have thought that when I was 18-I was positive of what I wanted then. Not only that, but we had our son when we were 18 as well, and he is 14 now, and at times he is very difficult and I know that if I would have waited to had kids (obviously he was not planned) then I would have better skills and knowledge to be a better mom to him. I am telling you the same thing I tell my little brother-he is 28 and I am so relieved that he is waiting for the perfect girl to get married. The bottom line is, I can tell that you are wondering if he is right for you, and if he is ready for this, and let me just say that if there is 1 thing that I want you to hear out of this it is this: IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS ABOUT HIM, THEN WAIT!!! I would also strongly encourage you to got to premarital counseling. Please Please take it easy and enjoy life. I love my kids, and I would not change anything about my life, but I do wish that I had taken some time for myself-maybe travel some etc..Trust me, you have plenty of time.

Trust what others are saying about him being young, they really do change ALOT! You need to come flat out and ask him what he wants from this relationship and this life because time is precious, and you don't want to waste anymore time on someone where the relationship may not progress to what you want it to be. If he doesn't want the same things you want, then you have to move on, you can't force this stuff on him, because in the end, you won't be together. I know it will be very very very very hard, but you can't force someone to want the same things you want, they will only rebel!

First off congradulations on becoming almost debt free, stay that way!!! The last thing I want to do is sound like your mother. I'm sure she's wonderful & one is usually plenty! I viewed my "now husband" through a series of pro/con questions. I ultimately concluded that I wanted a man that would be a better father than husband (not a huge out ranking mind you). I got that & sometimes it is a challenge because I feel that 49%(husband) vs. 51%(father). Our kids come first & we try very hard to maintain a good family enviroment. Make a list of all the good and bad things about him, being extremely honest. Are those qualities that are on the "con" side things you can live with? Are your political & spiritual views a match or at least respectfully different. Sorry for this one but, from an integrity level if the marraige doesn't work (& frankly you don't have much better than a 50% chance, especially at your ages), do you think he will be there for your kid(s) or will he bail & move to the next warm body? We women have some marvelous qualities but facing the reality of love & reading the writing on the wall can sometimes be a blur that we don't want to clarify. Do yourself a favor & point blank ask him. Pick a safe enviroment (NOT PMSing!!!), & have a loving, adult conversation regarding goals, timeframe, how many kids, will you both work, etc. If he starts skating any of the issues and is not willing to be honest with himself or you.......walk & count your blessings before you end up another single mother. People seldom change that much, we just have to be willing to see them for who they are: the good/the bad/the ugly!! I've been married 13 good/bad/& a few "ugly" years. We dated 5 yrs. before marrying with a break up in the middle. It's NOT easy & divorce creeps into my thinking periodically but we are determined to work things out. We both also have God, without Him we would have been history a long time ago. For whatever it's worth, NONE of my friends that got married in their early to mid twenties (about 16 that I could think of) are still married. There are about 15 or so of us that got married 29-35 yrs. & ALL are still married 13-18 yrs. later.

After reading many of the responses, I felt that I have to add my two cents in. Marriage is a very big deal, and only you know if it is something you want to do, or if the person you are with is the right one for you. I personally feel that marriage is important, and is necessary, but I am a very religious person. I was married at 19, I do not believe in divorce (under certain circumstances, it may be necessary, but has become an easy way out instead of dealing with problems). I was a virgin when I married and so was my husband. We have problems that I never dreamed we would face at the age of 19, but we are committed to each other and we will work through them.

I would approach your boyfriend at a time when he is relaxed and open to listening (the middle of an argument is not the time) and share how you are feeling. Communication is important in any relationship and if you cant talk to him about your feelings now, that will not change if you get married. Your feelings are vaild, but if he isnt on the same page as you it may be time to reevaluate. And I wouldnt worry about how long he was with his ex-...most of us would agree that an ex is just someone else's spouse that we wasted time and money on...22 is young for a man, but my husband was 22 when we got married, so if he is ready, then there is potential there...Only you know what is right for your situation, sit down, talk it over, see where he stands, but dont hang on if your priorities do not mesh...do not be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want, and if he isnt the one, someone is out there for you.

You are sooooo young don't rush! I am having my 4th child but I am already 37, I don't feel over the hill at all! I had my first when I was 26 and I am such a better mom now than I was then. Maturity makes a world of difference. You have so much time don't even worry about it.

You are NOT getting ahead of yourself. Any man that pressures you into thinking that, is the wrong kind of man. Don't feel guilty for bringing up the "M" word and don't feel like you are pressuring him. The fact that he want both of you to get out of debt before marrige is a wise thing, but odn't let him use it as an excuse not to commit! Does he love you all the way and want to spend the rest of his life with you? or does he only love you untill he has to pay the bill that comes with your name on it?

I think you need to bring it back up again. By you talking about it openly you are honestly letting him know what you expect out of life. If you find out he is not on the same road as you, you need to end it before you end up waisting 4 years of your life on a dead end relationship road.

If you are almost out of debt, and have an estimated goal for when you will be back up on your feet, pray about it, let him know that number, and set your wedding date around that "debt free" holiday. If he can't agree to a date of marriage, you need to pray about moving on.

Because he is so young 4 years in one relationship may not be feel like a large wasited investment, ( there is more to investing than just money dear!) but remember- every day the two of you spend on a dead end road- is another day you've missed without your real husband. If he's not the guy and you are limiting your life experiances to just one guy... where is your husband? have you already missed the boat because you were blinded by this guy?

I hope everything works out of you. But trust your gut instinct. If he's not willing to talk about it, change, and commit fast enough for you, then he never will. period.

Good luck!!

Hi S.- I can agree with you that you need to take care of your debt, you will feel better about that. You are so young, and your bf, just a baby......with alot of life ahead of you...most men aren't even grown up till at least 30, or established in their lives yetwit hdecent jobs, etc...but if you feel like you need to be married than I would talk to him about it. if he isn't ready, than maybe he isn't the one you are looking for...and sometimes, they need the little push...but it certainly doesn't sound like you want to spend 4 years, then find out he still isn't ready? good luck

Well, I have been in your situation. I woudl bring it up gently and if he delays again, maybe he isn't the guy for you. I had to find that out the hard way. But after we broke up I found a wonderful man who ended up as my husband. Yeah, I know not everyone ends up that way. I was 28 and he was 21 when we got married. We just had our first child at 31 and 24. Women can give birth safely at later ages now. I know starting a family younger is great, but if you aren't with someone who really loves and will stick around do you really want to raise the kids by yourself? Being a MOM is a lot different if the DAD isn't there 100%.
Don't rush. I wanted kids by the time I was 23. I was only off by 8 years. We are palnning a second baby in three years...I'll be 34-35. Life goes on.My mom had twins at 34 and me at 37. You'll be fine. It seems like it'll never happen but it eventually will. I wanted to be a mom since I was 18. You'll get there. Have faith.

Hi S., sounds like you have a guy that really is not ready for commitment. If you are living with him, and/or having sex with him, then he has no reason to get married. Guys don't crave marriage and kids like women do. They crave sex. As the saying goes....women give sex for love, and men give love for sex. Yet, in some cases, it's not love they are giving. Love is commitment, a future, a desire for your best interests. I suspect if you pressure him, he will back away from you...and marriage. If he is pressured into marriage, it may be a huge mistake on your part. Ask any married friend, they will all tell you marriage is work...even good marriages take work. Atleast half of the marriages end in divorce, so you want to make sure that you are entering marriage with everything going for you, not against you. It's no fun being a single mom, and that is where lots of girls end up who married the wrong guy too soon. Be careful S.. You are very right to question. Think with your head, not your heart. It will save you lots of heartache in the future. From R.

As Dr. Laura would say...If he's not RUSHING to marry you, then he's not the one. You shouldn't have to beg him either, that won't lead to a meaningful union. Don't settle. Find someone who is "dying" to marry you, to be with you. I think it's great you decided to tackle the debt before getting married, but if he hasn't been counting down the days until he can have you all to himself...drop him and find someone who will. It's possible that when he sees someone else with you, he may get that he's going to lose you. Otherwise, if he doesn't then don't waste more of your time on him.

Also, don't have sex with him before you're married. Why should he marry you if he already has all the perks of being married without the commitment. Why buy the cow when he gets the milk for free? You've heard your grandmother say it, and it's not because she thinks it's inappropriate but because it leads to unhappiness and frustration with men. The true test...you know what it is. And you can't be impatient, or you'll settle for someone who doesn't deserve you. Good Luck.

I am very disturbed by Marie's response. Marriage is very important. Husbands and Fathers have become too disposible in our "politically correct" world. I think it is sad. Men do not respect the women who "give it up for free". Children need a father, not just some quy who knocked up their mother! I think you should talk to him to see if you still have the same goals and that you are still working toward marriage. If not, you are still young and there aer still plenty of GREAT MEN out there. I also think that you are right...there can always be an excuse for why the time is not right to get married, and then why you should wait to have kids. If you are waiting to have the MONEY to do either of those things, then quit planning on those things. There will never seem to be enough money. There are more important things in life than money (or the lack thereof). Part of the way couples can grow together is to work together to pay off debt. My husband went to school full-time and we both worked full-time for two straight years when we first got married. I quit working after having our first child (even though we didn't think we could afford it) so I could stay home and be a mom. We have spent the last 10 years paying off his student loans and this year we did it! It is such a wonderful thing to know we did it while I stayed home to care for our family--we still consider it a joint effort. We became debt free (except our house) this year! It is so rewarding.
That so-called "cheap little piece of paper", is a symbol of committment. Unfortunately too few people take that committment seriously. Choose the right person the first time and you won't have to worry about the expense of a divorce. Don't even let the "D-Word" be a part of your vocabulary. If you pick a decent man, you can work through anything. From the beginning Man and Woman were created to go together. I don't think our Heavenly Father thinks that marrige is a waste of paper. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I believe God started with a family on purpose. Families, real families, with a father and a mother are still part of HIS plan and with God, nothing is impossible.
Just remember, CHOOSE right the FIRST time and you can work through any trial (even debt).
Good luck!