Living Together, Marriage, What Order?

Marriage, living together, then kids. Simple as that. ANY other way is just bound to have trouble.

My husband and I lived together before we got married and if I had it to do all over again I would not live together. It changes things after you get married and i can't explain what but it changed. I believe the tradional way is so much better...meet, date, get engaged, get married, then a few years after marriage then have children. The rate of divorce in couples that live together is higher than couples that did not and that speaks for itself

I will be teaching my children the "traditional" values. It's simply what I believe to be correct and biblical.

I am with you. Old fashioned and I am not even 30, lol

I've tried several different scenario's. If I had to do it all over again, I would highly suggest not living together first. I would live independly before getting married. I would definitely recommend getting married before having children.
So first...Get your own place, identity and career. Find happiness within yourself and not depend on a man to make you happy.
Second...Get married after DATING for quite a while and really get to know that person.
Last but not least...Have children after you get married!

It's really the BEST way to go, in my opinion. Good Luck to you :)

Well, I think I will be a minority here. :) We don't even believe in dating. We follow more of a courtship model. Now, this is NOT arranged marriages. We just think that dating tends to be more of a divorce training: give your heart to someone, split up, resulting in a broken heart, get over it, repeat. You get used to breaking off relationships, which *can* lead to taking that philosophy into marriage. We want something much better for our children. Why waste time with people in an intimate relationship if you would never marry them. What business do teenager have engaging in such grown-up things? So, as you would imagine, we believe that the order for us is marriage, immediately followed by living together, and hopefully, quite soon, children. Research has shown that people who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than those who do not. Of course, it is not a 100% rate, but it is higher. Also, we believe that what God says in His Bible are trustworthy things. He wants the best for us, and so has taken careful attention to helping us live a more peaceful, joyful, less heartbreaking life, if only we will listen to His teachings. So many heartaches come from living as we see right in our own eyes: diseases, father-less children (being a single mother), rebellion.
Anyway, that's what I believe.

Living together prior to marriage does not improve the likeliness that a marriage will succeed. First, living together is a non-committal arrangement. It suggests that you "try things out and see how it goes." It is not like a marital vow that says you will love each other, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, as long as you both shall live. Marriage is an obligation on both sides that you will stick it out, no matter how things go in your lives. There is not this commitment in a cohabitation situation. Children should also be born within the bonds of marriage. In tact families are not only God's plan when He created marriage in the garden of Eden, but they are best for all of society. Children reared in homes with parents who are married have better odds at life's successes and avoiding risky behavior.
I can give several examples of my friends who have lived together that had devastating results. Men, in general, are more likely to postpone the commitment of marriage and family... and as the old adage goes, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Parents, give your children the counsel they need to understand that marriage is important and it takes work and effort, love and support to have success. Sex within the bonds of marriage is important because children are entitled to a chance at being born with a mom and a dad who are legally married and love each other. Also, my mother always said, "you marry who you date. If you don't want to marry a garbage man, don't date a garbage man." "Garbage man" can be replaced with so many different kinds of descriptors, such as in this case, "a noncommittal man."
I did not live with anyone I dated prior to being married. I married a great guy who dated me for 15 months, proposed and married me 5 months after that. We have a strong marriage that gets stronger everyday. We have a daughter and another on the way.
My sister, on the other hand, has lived with 2 different boyfriends, the most recent got her pregnant and bailed.
Return to the traditional family and its values. It is where real happiness can be created.

Marry....buy property.....have kids.

I couldn't care less what the rest of the world does or how they view how I did my life. I got pregnant from a boyfriend who was awful....single mother...then lived with my best friend/fiance....then got married....currently prego with #3.
This board has people from every walk of life...a lot of bible thumpers and some real free spirits. That's what's so great. I am curious as to why you are curious?

Studies have already shown that couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples in general. I just saw a long article about this in a UK newspaper. I personally feel really sad for people that live together before marriage, because I don't wish anyone harm and I think this behavior is most harmful to women and children. Men have a much easier time screwing a woman over if he is a live in boyfriend than if he is legally committed in a marriage. Married people still hurt each other, but it is even messier in live-in situations.

Wow I see you have gotten tons of responses, which is cool. Shows people still even care about this topic!! I thought I would just throw my two cents in. I believe that a couple must marry first, then everything else. I only believe this because I know God and this is how He says to do it. Since God made us and everything else for that matter, He knows what is really up and what works and what doesn't. What He says is good, is good. He made man and woman and gave them to each other and told them to have some children:) Simple, and boy does it work! When a couple marries, then brings kids into a bonded and loving relationship there is so much security and peace. It's awesome!!

A friend of mine once told me, "If two people can't commit to each other, how can they commit to a kid?" They can, of course, but ideally it is best for children to have two parents who are active participants in their lives (in a healthy way) and it is less complicated to have a child with someone that, at the time you get pregnant, wants to start a family with you and visa-versa. Of course, divorce happens and romantic dreams don't always turn out the way you expect them too but women do have a lot of choice about the quality of life they want to lead and when and with whom they choose to have children with. I guess, for me, it really doesn't concern me what comes first and when, where other people are concerned, as long as the children are happy and the parents have the best intentions.

Marriage then kids. I'm sure people can make it work other ways, but living together first tends to complicate things for many... and is less successful long term as research has shown.

I always said I would live with someone before marriage, and I did. I'm very glad I did! There are too many people who get really strange once they're actually living with you, and I didn't want to have to go through a divorce once I found out that I actually couldn't stand living with the person! I do wish people would wait and purposefully have kids once they're married, if for no other reason than legal purposes if the man decides to skip out or something. I also believe in taking your commitment to the highest level if you decide to have kids together (and I do believe in gay marriage and think gay people are wonderful parents. As it stands now I certainly wouldn't want gay people or single people who have it together to be denied adoption rights because the gays are foolishly denied marriage rights.). I do know some couples who are very intelligent and thoughtful who AREN'T married and have children and do a great job with it just as any married couple, but too many unthinking and unprepared folks out there seem to have babies with very little thought or commitment, and it's the kid who suffers.

Anyway -all for living together before marriage! Give it a trial run! Divorces are expensive. People who say you'll never get married if you live together first are ridiculous. We lived together for a year, and I actually told my now husband that I didn't care if we married or not unless we decided to have kids one day, but he surprised me and proposed! Most of my friends lived with their husbands first as well, and all of us have been married 10-20 years at this point -except for one who married 5 years ago. There used to be statistics saying couples who lived together first got more divorces, but I think that's BS. The only divorced couples I know are the ones who are highly religious and made all sorts of demands about when and how they had to get married.

It really does not matter what other people think or what they choose. All of us should do what we think is right for us and the situation.

Some of the others are right in that this is a question that will be answered on the basis or previous experience, teachings, religious values and morality. As a Christian who believes in and tries to abide the best I can by the commandments and guidelines given in God's word, the Bible, I believe that marriage should come before cohabitating and children. Now, do I go around condemning those that choose another order? No, absolutely not, I can share my thoughts and why but it's not my place to brow beat someone into the choice I think is best. I have no doubt that in ten or twelve years when my daughter may be in that stage in her life, my husband and I will certainly encourage her the best we can to save herself for marriage, marry and then have children when the time is best for her and her future husband. Obviously praying that God brings her a like-minded mate :-)

Well, we did living together---had a child---then got married and we are one of the happiest couples I know 6 years later. To each his own. As long as your are a responsible adult and the couple are responsible parents, then that is all that matters. My husband and I have been through a lot together as a couple with no kids and also as a married couple and our bond and relationship just gets better every day. Personally, I have better things to do than tell others how they should live their life and what order they should do things. To all the "Christians"--maybe you should leave the judging to God.

I am a firm believer in living together, then marriage, then kids. So many of my friends and people I know got divorced in their first year of marriage, because that first year can be really rough. I feel that by living together first, you really see if you are compatible to be together day in and day out on a 24 hour basis. My husband and I lived together for a year before being married (we were engaged) - and that year was rough, between each other's quirks, finances, living arrangements, etc. However, our marriage has been great because we were able to work out all of those kinks in the first year of living together.

I think the key is for each couple to work out what's best for them, and for their friends and family to be supportive. I lived with my ex-husband before we were married. He was never the right guy for me, but when everyone said "living together will ruin the relationship", that made me more determined to make it work, and I married the wrong guy. I always wonder, if people had been more supportive, whether I would have had an easier time of ending the relationship.

Then I lived on my own for a couple years, then lived with another boyfriend and we are now happily married with a child.

My sister is living with her boyfriend and he's saving up for a ring, I think they'll work out great. My cousin is getting married tonight; she has a child (unplanned but welcomed) with her fiance although I don't think they were officially living together until just before the baby was born. Another cousin lived separately from her fiance until they got married, and they still have no kids. All of us are happy with our situations and the relationships are healthy.

Overall, as long as the living arrangement isn't a source of stress (not least because others are judgmental of it), I don't think it matters. And there's definitely something to be said for living with someone before marriage!

While in an ideal world, it would always work out the way you want....sometimes it just doesn't.

I'm kind of old school, except in the fact that hubby and I lived together before getting married. We'd been dating for a million years by then (ok, only 9, but some of that was highschool though). The day we got married we'd been officially dating 11 years and engaged 5. We were waiting for a specific date that held significance to us to fall on a weekend. We then waited 5 more years to begin having children. Our family is traditional Catholic and I was the only one married in a Catholic church.

My Sicilian Grandfather had 19 grandchildren, including me, and would often remark that he respected my husband MORE for "doing things the right way" with his granddaughter. Everyone else had babies first, and NEVER married with the exception of one cousin who got married at the county courthouse after two kids with the same man. Everyone else has lots of babymomma/babydaddy drama, but no marriage or even real relationship with a significant other.

I'm not trying to say I feel like I'm better than them for doing things more traditionally. They are all great parents to their kids and love them. However, I see how they ALL struggle---financially, emotionally, etc. And I just feel lucky!

Never believed in the idea of living together to "try it out." I think you are either "all in" or not. We dated for 1.5 years, engaged for 1 year, lived together for the last 6 months of our engagement, married 5 years when we had first child. Wanted time together as a married couple first. Currently married over 11 years wiht two little girls.

So I am a little shocked in reading some of these responses about the somewhat exceptance of living together, but not having kids. I mean marriages can lead to divorce, which ends up requiring seperate but together child-rearing, just like parenting before marriage. Unless you can say you were truly not having sex at all before you got married, it's probably not fair to judge this happening to people.

As far as my answer, I also agree that it depends on the person. I was raised with VERY traditional values. I, however, have no problem with living with someone before marriage. I still always believed though that it should go marriage, then kids. But, I found myself completely backwards. I had been with my boyfriend for a year and found myself pregnant (and yes I was on the pill and used a back up method of birth control, both of which failed). I wasn't going to have an abortion and I had a good enough job and was in a stable enough situation to be able to take care of my child. My boyfriend is not one to abandon his kids and has been supportive of me throughout the whole pregnancy (although that seems to be the stereotype unmarried fathers get thrown on them). He did move in with me so that he can help me take care of the baby. People asked us if we were going to get married now, but neither of us understood why we should. We had only been together for a year and marriage is something you do as a benefit to your relationship, not just because your having a child together. Neither of us were at that commitment point in our relationship. Yes, we are committing for that child's life now, but thats a committment we're making to and for our child. Marriage is a committment to each other. We can raise our baby happy and healthy without having to be in love with each other or together forever (Note, that we do love each other, I'm just making the point). People do it every day wether it be through unmarried couples or divorced couples. So because of this, I kind of think that you can't judge that marriage with kids is the only way. For a vast majority of Americans, they followed this and it still didn't stay that way.

I tell my kids, here's the plan
graduate high school
go to college, where you may begin dating casually
get your masters degree, where you continue dating to find a spouse
get married
have kids

I never put the living together part in there. However, I do think living together can be a good option for many couples. It really gives you a chance to know the other person.

As for kids, you should be married before getting pregnant. I also think a couple should be married at least a year before getting pregnant. It gives the couple a chance to enjoy and learn about each other.

It has been my observation that women who have children before getting married, often live with their boyfriends hoping that he'll finally marry them. I have also observed that kids before marriage, then getting married, then the couples have tons of problems and issues and its alway the child that suffers. How many of these types of posts have we read?

I think it is irresponsible to not get married before getting pregnant. I love and support people who have (like my "adopted" dd) gotten pregnant before marriage, but I think it is irresponsible. No offence, just my opinion.

Each situation is different is what I think. There is never one way to do anything. Different strokes for different folks.

I was in the military, so I quite literally lived with hundreds of men... which I think was an invaluable experience. Of course, I wasn't dating most of them.

I have no opinions as to what is best; I've seen thing work and fail in every combination.

In my own case, I was kind of backwards. Pregnant, live together, married. Our son was our ring bearer when he was 2. I was absolutely unwilling to get married just because I was pregnant. We're coming up on our 10th.

The good thing about living together first is that you can find out if you're really compatible on a day-to-day basis before bringing kids into the mix. Then marriage should follow, then kids, IMO.

(Not that I did things this way myself -- with my ex-husband it was pregnant, living together, married, in that order. And notice the word "ex.")

I did things all differently and I would do it all the same, if I had to do it over again.

Dated. Moved in together, he asked me to marry him 2 months later and I said "Yes" got the big ol' rock of a ring but was in no hurry to actually have the ceremony. Lived together for 7 years then got pregnant and had kids, then got married.

I could have gone my whole life with out getting married. I know I love him and that he loves me and we were living proof of it, without any paperwork needed. It wasn't till my oldest was gonna start school that we really thought about having a ceremony but mostly because I wanted us all to have the same last name...not because I think it was necessary or the right moral move...just convenience and for the kids sake.

I look back on all the years we had together without kids fondly and we both cherish(ed) it beyond words, it was the best thing we ever did for our relationship! We are friends first and always will be!

Together for 13+ years.

My husband and I dated, got engaged and then moved in together while planning the wedding. We lived together for a year. Our son was born several years after the wedding. We will be celebrating 12 years together this November. I would do it exactly the same way again.

I already had been to college, had my career established, and had been living on my own before I met the man that would become my husband. We dated exclusively for 1 year before moving in together. He had actually wanted me to move in with him a lot sooner but I said no because it was too soon for me! After a year it made more sense, as we both saw it as a prerequesite (sp?) to marriage and we were already pretty much spending all our time either at his place or mine, so paying 1 rent, 1 electric bill, etc. was just more practical. But we did it with the intention that we were going to get married, buy a house, have kids. He had been married before, and even though they had been quite young when they got married, they still waited 3 or 4 years before having any kids (ended up having 2 boys, 1 right after the other). We both did not want to have kids without being married and I don't think it was from a morality stand-point per se, but just being on the same page that it would be the best and most stable household in which to have children. I think if I had accidentally found myself pregnant we would have just gotten married before the baby was born. I just made sure I did all I could to not get pregnant before I was ready for a baby - I was on The Pill, I took it religiously, and if I had to go on antibiotics, we made sure he wore a condom.

We lived together 1.5 years, then got engaged, then got married another 1.5 years after that (in between we bought our first home). 3 years later our daughter was born. We are very happy and I think living together first helped, but so did myself being educated and being able to support myself financially. I know that if something ever does happen, I will not need him. Also too many people get married for the wrong reasons, and have kids for the wrong reasons.

I know what worked for me and for us, but I'm not one to tell anyone else what to do. However, I know one couple who decided to live together, buy a house together, have a house-warming party that they registered for (like a bridal shower!), have a child together now, and wear matching gold bands. However, they are not technically "married" - no certificate, etc. Another couple I know refer each other as "fiance", and have 2 kids together. To them I would say that, hey, you might as well actually get married at this point. People might say it's just a piece a paper, and maybe it is, but that piece of paper also carries a lot of weight, when it comes to making medical decisions, being the beneficiary of a life insurance policy, and so on.

I feel you should live with someone up to a year before marriage but no kids till marriage i don't feel these that have children before marriage is right and shows our children the wrong way of living and that sex is right to have without being married. I maybe old fashion but i don't want my kids having sex and having to grow up before they go to college and screw there life up. I was at the orthodontist the other day and there was a young girl who walked into the office with a 3 month old i was floored i am like what the heck. This girl had sex and now she will never be able to go to college with out being at a community one(which not saying community college is bad just that ) she doesn't have time to actually know what college life without a child she has to depend on mom and dad to help finance her or watch her child. I am floored at the way society is with being so open and free on this. I am sick to my stomach hearing how kids younger than 16 are having sex.

In my case it was pregnant, live together, baby born, pregnant with second, married. For us it worked out fine. That was 1995. We have been married for 14 years this month and have 4 beautiful daughters :) God has a plan for everyone. That happened to be his plan for us. As long as it ends in a happy family... that is all that matters. I think anyway...

I totally agree with DanaW. Myself, I lived with my now husband for almost 3 years prior to getting married. My sister lived with her boyfriend for two years and broke up with him, then lived on her own for awhile, met her now husband, and they lived together before marraige too. I think cohabitation is important because there are a lot of things you can learn about a person that may or may not be "deal breakers" that are somewhat hidden from you if you aren't there 24/7. Examples: cleaning habits, sleeping habits, acceptable noise level, how considerate he is of his stuff and of your stuff, privacy issues, bathroom habits, financial responsibility, how often and how many friends stop over... I could go on and on and on. I think that before you make a LIFE commitment to someone, you should know if you can LIVE with them. I'm not of the school that "there's always divorce." I think that statement is ridiculous. If it's the matter of premarital sex, that's a whole different issue and decision. Even couples not living together have sex, and honestly, they probably have a lot more of it than those that do live together! I think appropriate birth control methods should be used until you are married and are ready for the added committment of children. I think it is irresponsible to do otherwise, but I understand that mistakes do happen and birth control can fail, and the child born as a result is a blessing all the same. There are lots of different ways to get to the same end, as you have listed in your post, and no single way is going to be the best fit for everyone. For me, I believe that living together, then marraige, then kids is the way to go.

short answer: I think living together is actually a good idea bc you really get to know someone better if you live w/ them first...then you know what you are getting into I would say for lack of better terms. But I do say that you should be married before you have children for many different reasons personal and legal I would say. Not judging people that do it differently I am very open minded and think that what works for one does not work for others, just how I feel and how I did it and it has been working for me....

I'm an advocate of living together first. It's really hard to live with someone else, anyone else, and it's a good test to see if you're compatible to live together for a while before marriage.

We were married for 4 years and we were together for 10 years before having kids. I do think it's important to have some time to be a couple before throwing kids into the mix but even more important than getting married before kids is having the commitment to each other and knowing you are going to stay together and are compatible. Marriage before children is definitely ideal but don't get married for the sake of being married. Get married because you WANT to get married. Because you really KNOW you can be with this person forever.

We've now been together for 14 years and married for 9. Our child is 3 1/2.

Statistically speaking, living together does not improve the chances of a successful marriage. However, what it does do is show you if you can live with someone's daily idiosyncrasies. If you can't, you break up and that is not recorded the way a divorce would be.

For me, I lived with my husband for a year before we got married, although we had been engaged for the previous three years (I was away at university). My entire family, from my grandparents who had been married 40+ years to my parents who were on their 3rd marriages, thought this was very smart. My grandmas always said a successful marriage was based on how well you can live with your spouse's bad habits. If you live together, you learn what they are BEFORE you say "I do."

This November, my husband and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage. So, for us, living together, marriage, then children was the way to go.

Old fashion values too

My relationship with my husband was pretty non-traditional in a sense, we started living together as friends, then started dating, then had a very short "engagement" that lasted only a couple of weeks, got married, and planned a child. I'm 8 months pregnant now, and we're as happy as can be and very excited!

I'm with you V.:

college
master's
marriage
children

My husband and I lived together 1 yr before we we're married, but we didn't move in together until we were engaged and had a wedding date set. We'd courted for 8 years (since high school - we waited till we finished collage and had jobs) and I made it very clear if a wedding was not happening, living together was not going to happen. We bought our 1st house 9 months after the wedding, and our son came along 9 years later. We grew up, got our education completed, made a commitment to each other (and by then we both knew what we wanted), and we made sure we had a stable home environment in which to raise our child. It may not work for everyone, but it's working well for us.

My fiance and I have known each other since we were kids. We were together 1 year and were pregnant. Had my wonderful son. Got engaged and 3 yrs later had my daughter. We are going on 9 yrs in october and I could never see myself with anyone else. We have a great family. My kids are very happy and healthy. Also my fiance worked full time and went to school full time and still spent lots of time with us and graduated with a masters degree. We are getting married in a year but never felt that we needed that piece of paper to tell everyone we love each other. I won't get started on the religous statements. I know everyone has a opionion and that is mine :)

We lived together for a year before getting married. We got engaged shortly after us moving in together and then kids 3 years later. I think this worked out well for us.
I have a sister who did it kid first marriage...but their marriage failed. I don't know if it was the out of typical order or that they were young (20).

We met at 17, lived together till 21 and got married and were coming home on our first anniversary from the hospital with Baby # 1. We have been together 10 years and are currently preggo's with Baby # 3. I still love him like the day we met!

Good luck!

I think living together before marriage shows if you're compatible.
I think it shows the children respect for their mother/father to be married before the first baby. It shows the children you did not enter into parenthood lightly did not choose a father/mother by accident. When I hear excuses from parents like we're saving up money for an expensive dress or a big diamond ring;
A) I don't really believe them and think they are still deciding whether or not this is the right person. (this is what the children will think when they are older) (BUT I don't think they SHOULD marry if they're not sure)
B) I think their values are all screwed up -material things more important than family (is this what you want to teach your kids? )

If you are just taking a poll--, My wish for my children is to date someone at least 1 year, preferably longer, WIthout having sex,
marry,
have at least a year together as a married couple
and then have children.

Sure people can do it the other way around, but it seems like it makes it harder. I really haven't heard from people that spent alot of time dating and getting to know each other without having sex, that suddenly they were incompatible in the bedroom after marriage and had to divorce, BUt i have heard a lot of people who jumped into things, found out they weren't compatible at ALL in any room and ended up divorced.
Just my 2 cents

It all depends on the couple, there is no "right" way to order ones life.

Hi , I have been married , ( though I am young ) and my now ex husband and I lived together , got engaged after 2 weeks of living together ( was together for 3 years before that living together ) , got married and then had 2 children , however it doesnt matter how you do it , if the two of you dont work hard at your relationship then its just not going to work , it takes two people to make a relationship and marriage work and with out the work your doomed to fail. my marriage lasted all of 1 year , long enough for me to have one child and be pregnant with my second child. Our marriage didnt fail due to lack of work onmy part , he started doing drugs and cheated on my many times. Though now I have been divorced , and live with a man who i want to spend the rest of my life iwth , yes we live together and have for 2 years ,and I think it shows u who they really are , you dont know someone truly until u see all their habits the good and the bad , if you want to know how a man truly is its easy , look at his family , if they are pretty much well put together people , in happy marriages, and he has a good relationship with them , and his mother and him have a good relationship, then he has what it takes to go the long hall , though I guess im the wrong person to answer a question bc I was only 18 years old when i got married and had two children. I have learned from my past , and the " right " is not always the right way , the reason marriages lasted so long " back in the day" was because divorce didnt happen , people just looked past the lies , cheating , ect these days people dont want to put the work it takes into a good healthy marriage and the simple answer is a quick divorce , and then to move on. Marriage is hard work , its giving your heart and soul to some one and trusting them to do the same. children need a happy home , and parents who love them , and that ring on ur finger and a new last name doesnt change anything , all children know is that they are loved , healthy , happy and that there is a bunch of fighting and hate in the home (bc children can feel the stress , hate ,ect ) If your not happy whole heartly happy no matter what ur status is a Mrs , or Ms you shouldnt have children. The same goes for Step children or your boyfriend / girlfriends children , if you can't love every child equally then stay away from them. children dont care if ur their bblood parent they just car ethat u love them and do whats best for them. More peopel need to think about the child then their selves.

I think if you know the person well, love them, have discussed your goals for the future, and you have similar core values, then you should just go ahead an commit and get married!
Why wait?
My husband and I moved about three months before the wedding date, just because it was a convenient time to move--he was a single dad, and the kids were starting school so we were trying to plan the move at the best time, to be all settled in before the wedding.
I didn't think that was a sin, or even a big deal to do that.
I think it usually simplest to do things (especially with kids) in the "traditional" order, but I don't judge. As long as people are doing what honestly seems best in their individual situation, and being serious about it--not just acting out of fear, mistrust, or insecurity--things will turn out okay in the end.

I guess I can't really say much since my hubby & I lived together, had our daughter, and then got married.. :)

But, I think it SHOULD be marriage before kids. I'm kind of impartial about living together before or after marriage. Living together is a good way to find out if you can really handle being married!

i personally have to live with someone before i even think ablut marrying them! not because of them but because of me. I know that i can be a difficult person at times so i want then to get a chance( as well as myself) to see what we are really getting into. i would like to get married before i have children but it didn't work out that way but.. i only have one child so i'll say that before i have anymore children i plan to be married. but to each his/her own. i don't judge cause my situatio is not perfect.

Hmmm, I started with the traditional values, then did a "get engaged", live together 5 years without a set date, finally got married and 12! years later had a child. Going on 20 years now.......
It's what right for you that counts.

i say forget the old school rules and do what u want they dont have to come home with you every night and live your life if u want to live together first then have kids then get married do it u never know someone until u live with them me and my DH lived together one month then came DS 9 months later then we got married when he was 4 months old and we have been married 10 yrs with 2 great kids.. and are very much in love

To quote Katherine Hepburn, "I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." lol (this is my dream relationship!)

Each situation is different, so this is a tough one to answer. Some people want the traditional route, some want kids but to never marry. Everyone makes decisions for their own personal reason and the best we can do is to respect their decisions and not judge.

I personally like being single, so I don't know if I would ever marry again. I do know that if I got serious with someone, this time around I would not live together just to see if it made a difference the next time around.

This question has more answers than you probably think because there are so many variations on relationships.

I have to admit that my husband and I were intimate in college. We took extra precautions - birth control, condoms and also timing - but we also talked that "if" anything happened we would get married and begin our life together. Our life would be very different than it is today, "if" that had happened and we will counsel all our children to wait. I had been taught that as well, but my husband and I knew at a very early stage that we were very committed to each other and I think that is what makes the difference.

That said, after I graduated (I was a year ahead of him), I moved into my own studio apartment without him. After his graduation, 1 year later, he went to nursing school in a 3 year program, and also moved into his own apartment (a sublet) that was close by. Even though we were responsible for our own households, we spent many a night at each others places.

We did not actually move in together and combine households until after the engagement. This made sense for us on multiple levels - the primary being financial as we saved for the wedding which was scheduled one year after the engagement.

We waited until about 4 years after the wedding before actually starting a family. We wanted to be in house we could settle into and raise a family in first. Once that was accomplished, it has been sort-of a free-for-all! LOL. I am now expecting No. 3!! (This is our "bonus" baby and was not planned.)

So, for us, the sequence depended on our priorities at that stage of our lives - school, good jobs to support each other/a family, engagement, living together "officially", marriage, then kiddos.

~C.

I think living together, if you plan to get married, is okay, or if you never plan to get married, is also okay. The most important thing is that the couple be honest with each other about where they see things going and communicate openly & honestly. Of course, that's usually easier said than done.

I think that making a conscious, healthy decision to have a child outside of marriage can be done but 99% of the time it's not done that way (it's an "oops," or the person is lonely and wants someone to love and love them, or a means of manipulation of the significant other).

But, in general, I think if you're going to have kids, you should get married first, no matter whether you were living together or not before. Raising a child on your on, or with a SO who is not committed to help raise the child(ren) is a difficult, difficult task to do right.

I got my engagement ring July 94, though we didn't tell everyone it was an engagement ring. We moved into our first apt in Nov 94. Got married July 95. We'd been dating for at least 2 years before getting the engagement ring, we considered ourselves engaged a good deal before the ring was purchased. He "proposed" by showing me the special ring in a catalogue, it took a bit to get it. We waited 5 years before getting pregnant with our first child because of finances and we wanted to settle into things some first. Had we gotten pregnant before we got married or any time before we did we would have figured out how to make it work, though it would have been a challenge. We would have gotten married had it been before. The only reason we didn't get married earlier was finances and my husband was finishing up his last year of college mostly. We had originally wanted a May wedding instead of July but everyone complained it wasn't enough time to get the wedding together since that was the month he was graduating from college and finishing his classes. We have now been married 15 years this July, have 3 children and get along just as much as we did when we first met. He was and is my best friend.

I don't think living together before marriage is always a failure. Because people act soooo different when they're just dating versus living together. Because if you get married before living with eachother and that person is someone totally different than you would imagine, you would have to get a divorce. And I think breaking up is alot easier than getting a divorce. My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and I had my 1st baby at 18. If it werent for our precious son, we wouldnt even be together today. He saved our relationship. We moved in together when I had him and got married when he was 18 months old. And we have been so happy and we've also had another little boy. Life couldnt be any better. If I could do it over, I wouldnt change a thing. I absolutely love my life.

This is a very loaded question for some people and everyone will have their opinion on right and wrong. It really depends on the individuals and what is best for them. I personally think everyone should live together before they get married. You don't really know a person until you live with them and many people get married and then realize their spouse has habits they cannot tolerate. It also gives people a chance to share finances before marriage and learn each others spending/paying habits, which is often another marriage deal-breaker. My husband and I lived together 3 out of the four years we were together before we got married and I can't imagine not having had that time. As far as kids go, I think its a matter of timing. Ideally, you get married before children, but if children come first than I think you should definitly live together if you plan on trying to be a family when the baby comes.

I didn't move in with my husband until after we were engaged. I don't see anything wrong with living with one another beforehand though, as long as it's a serious relationship with potential of marriage along the way. You don't have to be engaged, just serious about your relationship. That's my view, anyhow.

Now, I do not believe in having children before marriage, a value my mother instilled in me very deeply and one I intend on impressing on my one year old daughter as well. I wouldn't be able to be a stay at home mom without the help and support of my husband.

I find it sad that so many old-school values are flippantly disregarded in today's society, such as manners and respect for others. Don't get me wrong, some still do, but from what I've seen, it's been few and far between.

this is answer correct answer for my reseach on marriage values. thank you.

I had always thought myself to be old fashioned and conservative and grew up in a Southern Baptist home in the south... But...
My boyfriend and I have both been married previously and had really HORRIBLE marriages (both while we were in the military) and when we started dating we were already living in the same house (as friends). After we had been dating for a while and had gotten our own place we found out that I was pregnant with our daughter (Madison was born in April!) We love each other very much and plan on spending the rest of our lives together and having our family. However both of our first marriages put a rather sour taste in our mouth and we have not gotten married yet. I would marry him now bc I love him, but he is still kinda in the "why do we need a piece of paper to show people we love each other" stage... kinda frustrating but I can understand it. at least for now... we shall see!!

Hi, V., I'm old school, too. No living together before marriage. Get married. Then have kids.

I did go adopt a child as a single person. Just felt like that was something that God would have me do. It's hard work to be a single parent. I do wish I had someone to help out pretty often.

So, in adopting a child, I just added some complication. Now anyone I date needs to be below the radar for a while so that my kid doesn't get attached. And even after he knows about them, he only gets to hang out with them sporadically until I'm certain they are sticking around.

The rest of the rules stay the same. Marriage before living together.

I lived with my first serious BF for almost 10 years, never married and Thank God. When I started dating my hubs and things got serious I refused to move in. Been there did that. So we of course stayed at eachother's apt's , got engaged, did not live together, got married and 2 years later had our son. When I had first moved in with my old BF my mom had said that gross term "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". She felt he would never propose. He did like 6 times and I always said no because I knew there wasn't something right. I knew my hubs was the one the second we started dating. So I didn't have to "try him on for size" so to speak. I say whatever works for the couple and their family.

I lived with a boyfriend who I thought was "the one". After 6 months of living together, it was obvious he wasn't.

My husband and I lived together for for a year and a half (and bought a house together) before we married. He is for sure the one for me.

For me, kids would have never come before marriage, but that's just me.

Jessica

I think you're going to receive responses all over the place, and they're going to be very strong and very personally driven by experience, morals, religion, etc.

My parents encouraged both of my sisters and me to live with our boyfriends before marriage. One sister was 6 months pregnant when she got married (oops). The other sister and I both lived with our boyfriends/fiances for a few years before marriage.

Despite being very conservative, my parents recognized that dating and understanding someone's habits day in and day out were different. I personally welcomed it, my in-laws had a different opinion.

I knew I was committed to him, and that we would marry. Which is exactly what happened. We were able to weather many storms (financial, emotional, health, job, etc) while living together which strengthened our relationship moving forward.

We were married almost a year to the day when we conceived our first child.

However, having been married for 4 years at the time of my cancer diagnosis, you can never predict what a serious issue will do to a marriage. So, my feeling is it really doesn't matter - you have to make a committed and concerted effort each day to make it work.

I always figured that I would get pregnant and that would be what made me decide to get married. I guess I couldn't envision a situation in which I would decide to 'just' get married. Ultimately I married my husband in part because I knew that I wanted to have a child with him, but I also married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and calling him my 'boyfriend' for the next fifty years sounded really silly. Also, I liked him so much I wanted to have a party about it. :) We didn't even start trying for a baby until we'd been married for almost two years.
We lived together before we got married, but part of that was that we lived in different states and one of us moving to the same area as the other but living in a different house/apartment didn't make any financial sense. By the time we moved in together we knew that we were going to get married, and we did, just a year later.
Prior to meeting my husband I had lived with another boyfriend for five years. After that relationship ended I decided that I wasn't going to live with anyone else unless I planned on marrying him because it was just too difficult and painful to break up.
As for what order other people do things in, I really don't care. I think it's nicer when people decide to be a 'family' when there's a child involved but realistically that's not always the way things work out. And everyone's definition of a family is different so...

Marriage first is my opinion. Here is an example of living together first. My brother and his wife lived together for 2 years before they married. My brother cooked, cleaned, etc. while they lived together. My sister in law complained to my mother a few months after they married that he had turned into a complete slob. I could have told her he was slob a long time ago, but I was never asked and it was their business. My mom had a talk with him and things are a little better now, but not like it was when they were just living together. If you get married first, they don't do all the extra to win you over and so you don't come to expect quite so much out of them.

I think your setting yourself up for failure to just move in with someone. You know marrage takes work. Some times it is not fun. If you don't or havent made that commitment. then how can you think about having kids.
THe world is a funny place. People just don't have values.

if you have "old values" then stick with it. i dont think there is a right way to do this, but if you do have a preference either way, you should follow what you believe.

for me, i like the idea of living together before marriage. this is because i think people are on their better behavior while dating and some things are held back. when you live together, you get an honest view of someone 24 hours. things such as work ethic, financial beliefs and each's responsibility, how everyone will interact with family, what househould duties the male or female will assume, ect. its also easier to disagree once you live together, married or not, so its good to see how you will work out differences when married. some of these things may be dealbreakers, so better to know before marriage. if you are already married, you may be accepting something that goes against your beliefts for fear of divorce. if you are just living together, you leave and move on to find someone more compatable.

in the same breath, if serious religion is involved, or if either has previous children, i do not think living together is good. never put your religion aside if you have strong beliefs. never put kids in a position of a family setting unless its forever.

on the flip side, i do think some people dont feel "different" when they live together prior to marriage. those who never lived together and marry sometimes work harder if problems later arise, since the after-married life was so different than living separately. it just seems like marriage has a more impactful meaning when not living together since your life changes in every facet when you marry and live together for the first time. i do see people sometimes living with every BF/GF they have, you should never live with someone unless you seriously contemplate marrying them.

as for kids, unless you are approaching 40, i do not think you should ever plan on having them unless married. children should be brought into a family because their parents thought they were going to be together forever. so many people have babies with people they never had any intention of being with forever. then when the relationship sours, the child is looked at a negative versus the one good thing out of a marriage. its also harder to have the father fully involved in comparison to a married couple divorcing from what i see. and besides that, children are wonderful but also a huge emotional, financial, and life changing stesser. why add another strain to a blossoming relationship until you are sure you are with the person you will be with the rest of your life. if its a choice, choose to wait for the kids. l

We lived together when we had been together for 8 months, got married, and had our son afterwards.

My partner and I have lived together since I was 17 and he was 18 and we will celebrate our 17th anniversary this October. We have talked about marriage over the years, but we both feel that the love and commitment we have for each other is what really matters and we don't need to sign a piece of paper to prove that.

My hubby and i lived together for almost 2 years, got married and 3 months later we got pregnant with our first. I had to live with him before i could agree to marry him due to the fact that while we were dating *and not living together* he cheated on me several times. Dont ask why i ever went back, i suppose because i did really love him and thought he could change (which he did)

Whatever works best for your personal situation is the right answer. For me it was living together first for a year, then marriage (16yrs and going strong), then kids. Living together first helped us work out our quirks and it was a lot easier planning our wedding being in the same apartment each night. My cousin had two kids with her BF while living together before even getting engaged. They're married now and expecting #3. Whatever works...there's no right or wrong.

I do believe in the "try before you buy" theory. I'd prefer to get everything out in the open first. Divorce involves so much paperwork! I'm twice divorced, now married for ten years, and I believe that committment, not paperwork, makes a relationship.

Whether a couple is old, young, tall, thin, plump, bald, same sex, childless, or whatever....How you treat each other, love each other, support each other, is so much more divinely important than the means by which you define it.

And a baby out of "wedlock" ...?(ouch --what a word...wedLOCK)...

I am afraid that I am of the school of thought that a baby is just a BABY--sweet, wonderdul, cuddly, and all other attributes they come with...Pedigrees should not be required!

Best wishes, and blessings to all!

We are so backward! My sweetheart and I had a child almost 5 yrs ago. We moved in together 2 years ago. We are getting "officially" married in the spring. I think we have commitment issues - but it's ok because they mirror! His phobias and my phobias are so in line with each other that it works for us.

My husband and I lived together first, but after we were dating 3 years. Lived together for about 9 mo then proposed, married 9 mo later. Waited 3 years for kids. Now married 6 years and 2 kids. Kids should definately come after marriage! But I know pleanty of people who have not lived together before marriage. Stick with your values. It's something to admire. And something for your future children to look at for a model in their life.