Is My Husband a Jerk or Normal Guy?

I'd be very frustrated if I were you. In fact...I'd probably tell him that until he lends you a hand...he can use his!! if you know what I mean! ;)

I'm sorry, you asked!!! JERK!!! It shouldn't be have to ask him to watch the kids, they ARE his kids too. Does he ask you to watch the kids, or are you BOTH raising the kids!!!!!! As far as the sex thing, it bothers me that you use the term HE can have sex!! Aren't you there??? Or does that not matter either?? If that's the case tell him to take matters into his own hands!!!!!

Definitely not my idea of normal and is the complete opposite of my husband. Im a SAHM and he works all day all week to allow me to be able to do that and he still comes home every night with a smile on his face, gets right in there and does what needs to be done whether its changing a diaper, playing with the kids, dishes, cooking whatever. We are a family and we work together as a team. Sorry he is treating you this way

If mamapedia has done one thing for me, it's make me feel darn lucky for my marriage.

Not normal. Not healthy. I can't imagine being happier and calmer when my husband is gone. I can't imagine dreading my husband being around. I can't imagine ever uttering the words "so he can have his sex." I can't imagine having sex, so he won't be grumpy. How could EITHER of you be happy in this situation? Your post sounds like a distant, emotionless (happy emotions, at least) marriage. Seriously, he can't be expected to do "childcare?" That's called PARENTING, not babysitting. Did he even want children?

You are not happy. He is not happy. This doesn't get better by itself. The marriage only keeps eroding. I hope you will get marriage counseling.

Overall he's being a jerk. I think guys tend this way more than women though. But I guess what comes to mind is four kids is a lot. Did you both want four? A friend really wanted a third child and ended up with twins. The husband didn't even want the third. So when she's annoyed he doesn't do enough other than work super hard at his job, I can't help but think how he didn't want more children. So if your husband did, then remind him of that. This shouldn't all be on you. But have to say if he didn't want more than one or two but you did and he ended up with four, maybe he's resentful. I stopped at two partly bc I felt like we'd both get stressed and fight a lot trying to do it all. It's a lot. So maybe talk to him and remind him it will get easier. A guy friend with three kids often has horrible weekends bc he says it's all work and they fight etc. he's not a jerk at all. He does a lot but three really young kids is just a lot of work. Four is obviously more but you made that choice.

I'm sorry but you asked... He's a jerk.

Well these kids just didn't show up on the door step one day. He was an active participant in creating them. Therefore, he MUST be an active participant in raising them. Taking care of your kids is not "childcare". Its call parenting.

As for the rest. Look, I have been a SAHM and working M.. If my husband EVER said to me all I want is sex and then bed my comment back would be "all I want is a man who will take care of his family, love his wife and be respectful. Too bad neither of us got what we wanted". I would then leave the room.

He does this because you let him treat you this way. You need to start standing up to your husband and expect him to be a partner. You are not his sex slave, maid, cook, daycare provider, you are his WIFE.

It sounds to me like you both are not doing too well as far as loving each other and putting each other first. The kids come first with all the running around and then neither of you have time to build your marriage better or really care about each other. You need to cut out some of the 'things', try to fix nice meals for him, make things more calm and teach your kids to help out more. They can do many things to help out. I would be grumpy too in this atmosphere. I do think he needs to help more but you need to do it together and I think the way you say 'so he can have his sex' sounds like you don't want to be with him even. Exercise and reading don't make the marriage stronger. They are for you. Sex doesn't either but it helps him to feel like he matters. I would think you would want time with him. Then he might be more willing to be part of the routine. Then you can find time to exercise and read.

Yeah...he's a jerk. Plain and simple, if he didn't want to help care for 4 children, he shouldn't have had them.

It sounds like he could benefit from some counseling. You probably could as well. Failing that, I think you should seriously consider whether you want to be a doormat to this man for the rest of your life.

Best of luck.

What you need to do is just leave and go. Leave the kids with him and tell him it's his turn to fix dinner. As long as you allow him to treat you like this he gets to. So stop allowing him to do this. These are his children too. He needs to learn how to deal with real life.

Well since you asked....He's being an absolute jerk. If my husband EVER screamed at our girls or me for that matter, he'd be looking for a new place to live. That type of behavior is not acceptable and as my dearly departed Mother used to say "You are a princess and anybody that can not treat you as such does not deserve to be in your presence ;D" Seriously, she would always say that to my sisters and I. Of course that was always the starting sentence in her talks about respecting yourself and others. We were taught to act like a lady and demand to be treated like a lady. No one has the right to scream at you.

Onto you're second issue....and this is a real pet peeve of mine... He is not babysitting the kids. They are HIS children too, he has a responsibility to the children as well as to you. IF he did not want to be actively involved in his child's life then he shouldn't have had any children. Yeah, I get it, he works all day and is tired when he gets home and all he wants to do his veg out and have some peace and quiet. Again, he shouldn't have had children.

They are only this little for a short time and he is missing out on their childhood entirely. Does he want to formulate a good bond with his children? What does he want his kids to remember about him? Would it be a fond memory of dad playing board games with them on family game night? Dad throwing the ball around to them in the yard for a while after dinner? Dad reading them their bedtime story? Or are they going to remember that they all had to walk on eggshells every time dad was home so that he would not throw a tantrum and scream like a maniac at them???? Dad needs some anger management classes and frankly a few parenting classes wouldn't hurt either. He is damaging his children and destroying his marriage/family with his behavior.

FYI, my husband and I both work full time. We both also "work" full time on our family. We both cook, clean, shop, do laundry, and tend to our girls. On any given evening after work my husband will come home, scoop up the girls and head across the street to the park to play while I prepare dinner. After dinner he will clean the kitchen. (We alternate, one cooks and the other one cleans afterwards.) We both do bath time and bed time routines with the girls. He has always changed diapers, did bath time, feed the girls, etc. In fact we still take turns getting up with our youngest each night.

Now if I was a SAHM I would shoulder more of the responsibility for the housework, laundry, ect. However I still firmly believe that being home with your children IS a full time job with no time off and therefore requires assistance when available. The other parent should get the chance to walk in the door after work, have dinner, unwind a bit and then take over for the parent that has been home all day with the kids. Perhaps you two can come to a compromise in this area. You make sure dinner is served when he gets home. (crockpots are my best friends). Give him a 1/2 hour to unwind after dinner. Then he can play a game with the kids, read a book to them, whatever he wants to do with them, giving you an hour to relax and recharge yourself.

M. also used to tell us "People can only hurt you if you let them." Your husband only treats you this way because you allow him too. Put your foot down and tell him you will no longer accept this behavior. Obviously he must be under a tremendous amount of stress to have such a short fuse. Ask him to talk about it with you. The two of you should be able to sit down and discuss all of this dysfunction and come up with a plan that works for both of you. If the dinner issue is a hot button for him then you compromise there. He can compromise by spending some actual time with his children while you take your other child #4 to dance. Or if he prefers he could take child #4 to dance class and read a book or whatever to unwind while she is in class.

And HELLO husbands...if you want more intimate time with your wives then start treating her like a lady instead of your maid/cook/daycare provider!!! Pitch in and help her with the house/cooking/kids and she will have more time and energy to spend on you :)

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

I'm a SAHM and my hubby helps me with anything I might need help with...anytime. If he didn't help with OUR kids, that wouldn't fly with me!

Don't let him fool you into thinking that because he's the one working out of the home that he doesn't have to do any parenting. Don't ASK him to father his children. If you need to take one child to an activity and he's home? then you leave the others behind and he'll have no choice but to watch them.

He may have enjoyed the luxury of choosing when to go to bed and get up in the past, but that's because you've allowed it. You have FOUR CHILDREN. You're parents 24 hours of the day and neither of you gets to choose when to parent those kids, including him. You can't be a single parent even if you're the stay at home parent. Raising children is physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting and he's not supporting you AT ALL. What's he doing? He's criticizing you, gets to leave the house to work, and sleeping.

Time to get him to take part in the work at home and even things up.

It's also time to talk and communicate more. How does he expect you to have sex when you're not connecting emotionally? Tell him that. Tell him you need to reconnect, to talk, and you need help around the house and with the kids.

You both should get to marriage counseling to help learn to communicate better. Get to parenting classes so that you're both on the same page on how to parent the children. Maybe some anger management for him.

But yeah, he's being a jerk.

Yep, he's a jerk. Just like my no-good excuse of a husband.

My husband is a stay at home dad. I'm the one that goes out and brings home the bacon everyday. But, when I get home, I help with the children's homework, get them showered, help with dinner, do stories and bedtime. This is all while my husband drinks and then gets the shits because our three little boys are playing too loud.

I try to get my husband to do activities with our children, expand their experiences, but it's always too inconvenient for him, he has a hissy fit, and spoils everything for everyone. Everything has to be on his terms.

This type of person is fantastic at manipulating and making things unpleasant if they don't get their own way. They're wankers.

He's definitely acting like a jerk. I'm a single M.. I work all day, then I come home and take care of my son. It's my job AS A PARENT. Your husband shouldn't expect you to take care of everything. He is their parent too.

I do think he is doing some jerky stuff, but it kind of sounds like you might be too (from his perspective), even though that is not your intent at all. I have three kiddos and I will tell you that when my hard working husband gets a feeling that he is on the major back burner, he doesn't like it. I have had a VERY hard time with that bc I feel like they are OUR kids and if I don't do what they need it doesn't get done. BUT then I have to be honest and say that when his job is nuts, like almost constantly, and he is pulling even longer hours than normal, or when he is sort of in the bat cave and hasn't thought about a date with me in a long time but is always thinking on appointments and lunches with clients, then yeah, I feel put on the back burner. Unfortunately us at home moms have these little clients that always need SOMETHING!!!!! So it wasn't that he thinks I choose our kids over him, it was that he had some needs that he wasn't getting met and sometimes yeah men and (ahem) dare I say, women, do act out when they are feeling denied the love and support we all so desperately need! The thing I did notice a lot was that you said you can't cook from scratch but you all get fed! Well obviously this just ain't cutting it and he doesn't like that. Instead of thinking of all the reasons why he should do more if he wants a nice meal, just maybe accept it as a hot button area and try to figure out a way to cook, even sometimes. My hubby is big on a nice meal, but he does his own laundry, (after some negotiating ;) So I cook, he likes it, he feels loved. Now on the scheduling thing to take your child to dance, I just don't know about it bc he might be acting out or it could be his work schedule, don't have quite enough details there, hope you guys can figure something out. I did haul all three of mine out, including the baby to my oldest's son's martial arts class bc my husband had to work. But my M. did come and help and I don't always have to do that. It was just today, so I do feel you there, it is hard. I am not trying to blame you just say that maybe with some communication or a total meltdown that leads to communication you guys can figure out what has caused all these surface problems. I am sure you did not marry and have four children with a jerk. He is working and you are with the kids so it sounds like you may have a winner, but you are both just really bogged down with all the pressures of life. Until you get it worked out, my advice is try to cook once a week and just enjoy sex, you are in for life so I think it will get better. Hang in there!!

He is verbally and emotionally abusive. HIS children need him more than they need his money.

I recommend couples counseling but I doubt if he will go. Go to counseling for yourself and try to work things out. But I really think you need to make an exit plan.

my husband would never treat me or our kids like that. He is a total jerk! Taking care of your own kids is not "childcare" or babysitting. It's called being a dad! You can't do it all. I get stressed sometimes with 2 kids and my husband will notice and tell me that on his day off, he will take care of the kids (the whole day) and I can go out and just have some "me" time. It's great! I'm never really stressed that much, but the break is very nice.
Do you have any family near by that can babysit for a couple hours so you can go and have a break? I bet even if they could do that once a week, that you would feel a lot better.
Also he shouldn't demand sex like that. What does he expect when he treats you like that? I wouldn't be turned on by that!

Nope, he's a jerk.

We both work full time and share responsibilities at home. We are both exhausted by about 8:30, but even with a really LONG commute (for me) and a LONG day (for him), we help eachother and always always make sure that we each get some "down time".

They are "our kids", not "mine or his" and "our house".

my boyfriend isn't even Emmy's father and I expect him to interact with her snuggle and read a book if he's home on time, and sometimes he'll tell M. to go relax if my back is acting up and he'll carry her to bed and sing to her to get extra time with her.
Your husband and you need to sit down and discuss his role in their lives. It's important that they have a active dad. Why don;t you agree to try and cook more and maybe have the kids skip and activity or two and he agree to spend more quality time with the kids and work on his attitude?

I haven't taken the time to read all of the resonses but will say this:
I am a full time working M. and my husband works full time. Even though I work this does not give me a 'pass' not to be a parent. I get home, cook dinner, talk to my kids, read them books, give them a bath, and help calm them down for bed. On the weekends I do laundry and clean, and play with the kids. I get up a 5am and get home at 5pm - yes, I am exhausted and many times grumpy but I AM THEIR M.!!!
I have to say - he does sound like a jerk and if he continues acting this way he's not going to have a good relationship with his kids - and likely not with you either.

One more thing - Dads don't 'babysit' their own kids - it's called being a father. This is one thing that really gets to me.

I'm not saying to throw all 4 kids at him the moment he comes home, but he DOES need to start stepping up to the plate. Start with baby steps. Have him watch the baby while you work on the other 3 kids' bedtime routine. Gradually work up to him helping out more. My husband works insanely long hours--12+ hrs 5 days a week, plus meetings before or after work, and he works 3 of 4 Saturdays. Even with that craziness, he LOVES spending time with our kids. He's not up for it EVERY night, but he usually wants me to keep them up to see him when he gets home (I put them to bed at 7/7:30, and usually I am too exhausted to keep them up.)

As for the sex issue..OMG, I would NEVER be able to get in the mood for sex by 8:30 pm. My mind and body are still engaged in all the needs of the house at that time. My husband usually goes to bed shortly before I do, but he falls right asleep. He has NEVER been opposed to me waking him up later for sex, even if it is the middle of the night.

ETA: I am not willing to cast stones at your husband. After all, we are only getting one side of the story here. If you ask my husband he could tell you that there have been several times when I have been the jerk. It is rarely intentional, but it can happen in the chaos of the house. Sometimes MY husband is the jerk. It doesn't mean that he isn't a good man, husband, and father, but that we are having a tough time with the minutae of the household. I love my husband more than anyone in this world, but sometimes I think to myself, "ARRGH! What a jerk!" When I am feeling like that I know it is time for BOTH of us to make some changes.

I totally agree with Adansmama - don't fall into the trap of just seeing him as a jerk. Work WITH him on your marriage.

maybe a little bit of a jerk, mine has a 1 hr commute to work each way and has a full time and part time job, but it sounds like you're dropping the ball a little bit. If you are "home" there is no reason for you not to feed your husband when he gets home, he is the reason that you get to stay home so the least you can do it make sure he has a nice hot meal. It also sounds like your kids need to go to bed earlier. My now 12 year old has been going to bed between 7:30 and 8 since he was 6 weeks old. He wants you to pay more attention to him than the kids and that is what you need to do. FYI mine does help around the house some and I don't expect him to do anything he does because he wants to and I certainly don't throw kids to him the minute he walks in the door after being at work all day. Sounds like you have a little too much on your plate.

Wow.. I like the response from Sepi's husband! Thanks for chiming in!

What I see, is that yes, he is being a jerk.....

Face it... men often really like the early aspects of marriage, where they are often really catered to by their wife 24/7...... but.. they forget that THEY need to do some of that, also.

Then... add to that mix, having a few kids... now M. has the kids she has to care for 24/7, and the guy starts getting resentful of the fact that she is no longer exclusively his, with her catering to his every needs......

Most men, fortunately, realize that their role has also changed... and they enjoy the part that THEY can do, in nurturing their children, in caring for them, interacting, and loving them..... they realize they have a new role in life as a FATHER.....

Unfortunately, some men continue to be resentful that they no longer have their "mommy (wife)" caring for them, but they now are taking care of little ones that cannot do things themselves......

Some men just never grow up......

Yes, he is being a jerk......

As far as the cooking from scratch, have you thought about using the crockpot? That can make meal prep much easier.... put it all in the crockpot in the morning, and a hot meal is ready in the evening, when things can sometimes be hectic! And.... hubbies rarely realize that cooking a meal can take several hours.... all they see is the final result of what you put on the table... not realizing what all actually goes into planning and cooking a meal!

BTW... I also have 4 kids... and the first 3 were born within 4 years of each other! (1982, 1984, 1986, then 1991) Yes, it was crazy at times... but.. I also didn't have them in lots of different activities....I made sure that I was able to continue cooking a decent meal in the evening..... maybe you need to re-think those priorities?

Um, he's a jerk.

I work 9 hour days, am working on my capstone for my MBA, and do the single parent thing during the week. I'm dog tired, but I don't neglect my kids because of it. My husband works 2 hours away and leaves when we are still in bed and gets home in time for dinner - that is if he doesn't go to umpire a softball game for extra money.

No excuse at all for him not helping.

He's an a$$. I think Jerk would mean he just didn't know any better.

I am a working M. who is away from the house 50 hours a week with a long commute. I see my child from the time I come home to the time he goes to bed. My Other Half works full time too and 2 days a week at a "part time" job for extra play money and HE makes time to spend with our wee one AND my older children when he's off. He never begs for sex or acts like it's his RIGHT to have it. We do it when we can. nap time on the weekends, showers, garage, walk in closets, etc etc...you get the idea. We can't ALL have sex at 8pm.

And you didn't have those kids by osmosis. He laid there too. And if he keeps wanting to have kids, he's going to have to take his male chauvinist attitude and adjust accordingly.

Maybe some counseling would do him some good. Or maybe you leaving for a "break" and leaving him with the kids might help him understand what you do every day as well.

I'd also remind him that you need a sitter too when he asks for sex. Like...give me one day a week and I will...otherwise....laters. (i am being sarcastic...kinda).

He seems to be living in a dillusion. Might be time for some tough love and enlightenment.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

My husband is very moody when there is a baby in the house. Baby's are hard.

Sounds like you guys need to have a heart to heart and figure out what you both need in terms of "me time."

My husband and I both work out of the home and equally share all house hold duties. If he complains about how its unfair he has to give the kids a bath or get them jammies or get up with them in the morning, I jump all over him. He may think it in his head but has the good sense not to say it... :)

I'm always cheerful and positive. My husband tends to be negative and grumpy. If I ask, "How was your day?" He almost always goes on for about ten minutes about everything that went wrong. It stresses me out. There have been times that he is so grumpy and negative and irritable that it makes me not want to be around him. Its actually EASIER when he is not there because then I don't have to deal with him on top of two toddlers.

Without getting into the whole story of my life - here are a few suggestions:
1) Sit down and tell him how you feel - that because he is so grumpy - you feel stressed and don't want to be around him.
2) Ask him what you can do to make him happier at home. If he says, "home cooked meals" figure out a way you can do that 2-3 times a week - I make a big pot of spaghetti sauce or triple recipe of chicken pot pie and freeze the extra - also - you can put anything in a crockpot). Figure out a way to make him feel you appreciate him without resenting him.
3) Tell him that being home all day with the kids is also "work" and you need time to yourself as well. Schedule time in the week when he is in charge of the kids. If he spends time alone with them, he will HAVE to parent, and will learn to appreciate what you do all day. Lots of dads I know take the kids out on Saturday mornings for a few hours while mommy relaxes.
4) Ask him if he wants the kids to be able to do all of these "extra" activities. If he says yes, tell him you need help with it and outline some ways to pitch in. Paying the bill for them is not enough.

When my husband comes home grumpy - I send him to his room to watch sports. After 45 minutes or so - he comes out in a better mood and helps with the kids. He needs a break, too.

Since you asked, yes, he's a jerk.
So he's tired. And you're not? It's called being a parent. He needs to step up and be one. I agree with what was said below; if he doesn't start giving you a hand, he is going to be using his a lot more often!

I am a working M., my husband is a work at home dad. When I get home yes, I'm exhausted and simply want to relax....do I get to? No because I'm a parent too.

Your husband needs a reality check! Lots of people work and "watch" their kids while the other parent is running errands, taking other kids to places etc.

He needs to suck it up! Yes you should expect him to do "childcare"...they're his kids too!

ETA: you need to step up and let him know as well that parenting comes from both parents. Not just one. If you don't stand up for yourself and especially the kids you are also giving them a dis-service as well. I don't know if it's normal or if he's a total jerk...but he is being a jerk to his kids. He should want to hang with them.

Like I said I'm tired when I get home but I find that I get rid of a lot of work stress just spending time with my kids. They don't care what happened at work, they don't expect me to be "perfect" they just want to be with M.. Yes some nights I have to tell them to go play in their rooms...but I always spend at least 30 minutes to just chit chatting with them.

In our house we work together...sometimes one of us does "more" than the other. But when my husbands says "I just need a break" or if I say "I can't do this tonight"...the other one steps up. Communicate with your husband..."I'm taking child #4 to dance, 1,2,3 are staying home with you. I will be back at xxx time."

No one said parenting and being apart of a family is fair, marriage isn't always "fair". Sometimes you give more than you take and many more times you take more than you give. To me it's about working together. If my husband and I didn't work together and pick up where the other left off...we would never make it.

Sex isn't something that is demanded in our house, and often times it's the last thing on either one of our minds. Do we make time for each other?...certainly. But we NEVER make the other feel like its an obligation.

He sounds immature. If you follow this board for awhile you'll see it's not uncommon. Doesn't mean you should put up with it.

Hi! Honey your hubby is a total jerk! Has he always been that way???
I read your other post too. You need to take a deep breath and gather yourself together. Make yourself a plan to get out of your chaos. Get up before the kids, put a pot of water up for tea. While waiting for it start a load of laundry, fill the dishwasher, straighten up the kitchen. It takes me about 15 minutes from the time I start my tea to being ready to drink it, I work until it's done. You can use the time to prep breakfast and put supper in the crockpot if that works for you. Get your day in control for yourself and your kids. Letting them watch Sesame Street while you prep supper will not hurt them. Letting them help with chores will not hurt them. Everything will go better when everyone is calm and fed well.
You have to have a calm discussion with hubby. I don't know what your husband does but I'll bet he doesn't work half as hard as mine, and mine has always been available to our kids. I can't imagine it any other way, I wouldn't accept it any other way.

JERK!!!!!!!there his kids too...leave him without asking with the kids...Let him walk a day in your shoes..Don't back down..Take a stand..It's a job yes..But it's his job too...keep me posted.

Updated

JERK!!!!!!!there his kids too...leave him without asking with the kids...Let him walk a day in your shoes..Don't back down..Take a stand..It's a job yes..But it's his job too...keep me posted.

Great '2nd' question....

I once heard a show on the radio where married men were calling in to say how long it had been since they had sex. They weren't complaining about anything else in their marriage, but were saying many years without sex, three years, five years! Guess what all these men had in common??? At least 4 kids some had more! Gee, maybe their wives were exhausted!
If you could get your husband into counseling what do you think he would talk about? Just try to imagine what he would say if he was relaxed and talking. What would be his biggest complaint? (since it seems he has sex) His crappy job, his lack of recreation, his long commute, his chaotic household, his nagging wife? (I'm NOT accusing you of nagging, I think you deserve more from him, I'm just wondering if he would) You describe your kids as constantly screaming, yelling, fighting and making messes. Is this true? If I was your sister/cousin/best friend I would be apt to volunteer to babysit to give you a break IF your kids were well behaved. Is it possible your husband would be more willing to spend time with the kids if they were better behaved? (not really an excuse when they're his own kids-I'm just trying to figure out what would help) Ask yourself if camp counselors and teachers describe them as easy or difficult children?
I hope somehow (counseling would be great!) the two of you can figure out how to find harmony in your home, so he WANTS to be with his children, and you WANT to have sex. He should be involved in his children's lives and you should be creating a happy home for him to come home to. Yes, you should just take two children to dance class and leave the other two at home, dont ask, go. BUT greet him with a smile and a hug, make sure there is a dinner for them, clean pajamas are easy to find and he isn't tripping over things when he walks thru the house. Compromise! Most husband would help put kids to bed if it meant sex was next, have sex with him at 8, then you can read or have time to yourself. Good luck making changes, my first thought was "leave the jerk" but how would being a single M. make your life easier??? Show him your willing to change and you expect changes from him as well.

I didn't read anyone else's answers yet so I hope this isn't way off base but here's what I would do:

Me: It seems like you've been really out of sorts. Are you ok/are you unhappy?
Him: Hpfff.
Me: What can I do to make things better for you?
Him: Watch kids 24/7, have sex, cook dinner.
Me: I'll be happy to, but I can't without XYZ being done. If you don't have the energy then I'll have to pay for someone. We can't do everything on our own then.

Of course maybe the conversation won't be like this but that would be my approach. Luckily my husband realizes I am busy with our four kids and their activities (I work part time and am training for an Ironman next month), so he doesn't complain about food and house and sex. I'm the moody one when he doesn't help at night.

Good luck. This is tough.

Your husband is a jerk. He's not a jerk because he doesn't want to help out (cause after a long day of work - no one wants to!), but he IS a jerk because he simply doesn't suck it up and help. Of course it's hard to watch three little kids at the end of the day, but a good husband would do that so his wife doesn't have to drag them to the fourth kid's dance class. And the fact that he's demanding sex when you're tired or would rather relax. Um, that would mean my husband NEVER got sex.

Hang in there - and tell your husband that he needs to step up and be a member of the family, not a dictator!

Moody men...ugh. I think that you're both stressed and need to figure out how to have more quality time - both as a family and as a couple. If he wants some TLC, then what is he doing to facilitate it? Does he ever get the kids, do chores, participate in the bedtime routine? Your answer could easily have been DAMMIT I WANT SOME HELP WITH THE KIDS.

I don't know about you, but being yelled at (or dealing with the kids being yelled at) over nothing is stressful and tanks any mood I might have. Who wants to be close to that?

Why NOT expect him to do some childcare? They are his kids, too. You are "on" 24/7 but the two of you had those children. It sounds like right now anyway he's being very selfish. Why "can't" he watch them? If you find yourself always acquiescing to his demands, maybe one night a week get a sitter for all 4 and go to counseling.

Why don't you think its fair to ignore him? His behavior isn't acceptable, and the silent treatment is much louder than any argument. For me it opens the door to honest dialogue about what is happening in the relationship. Nagging and hollering do not work for us, but a cold shoulder gets him thinking.

Men are much more likely to be moody when they have needs that aren't being met but it isn't fair for him to take it out on you in that way. It would be a good idea if you could find a communication class for couples that will give you the tools to better express your needs. By the sounds of it, he doesn't understand your need for assistance with the kids. Relationship and marriage education classes teach a communication technique that when used, you will know your spouse not only heard but understands your needs and visa versa. When most of your needs are being met, harmony can be restored to the home. Go to www.trustmarriage.com for more information about courses in Ohio. They have a one-day workshop called Family Works One Day Workshop, that you and your husband might want to get away for. Hope this helps.

My hubby is currently experiencing sleep apnea issues. It causes him to be exhausted during the day. He goes to bed at 10 every night. So he is home about 3 hours before bedtime. And during the week he has to TAKE them to bed whether he likes it or not. I would say your husband just isn't used to being around the kids. How often is he home? Does he see them for longer than that 1 hour? My husband has less patience with the girls than I do because he is not used to their norms. On the other hand, perhaps your husband is suffering from lack of attention. Are you ever alone with him? I do not cook 'from scratch' either and I'm a sahm. But I do cook. And we don't even buy frozen foods. Many times we get overwhelmed and angry so we do not communicate properly. But you need to stop and listen to what he's telling you. He needs something. You're a M. AND wife. Remember that because he just may feel neglected. Some days I really don't want to cook. But dinner is hubby's favorite time of day so I dote on him.

I'm sure he's tired from a long day at work, but these are his children too and he needs to step it up. It's not ok for him to refuse to help with the kids or dinner or bedtime. You can't possibly do it all yourself and he needs to realize that. He is not showing you any respect.

It is ridiculous that he's home when you take #4 to dance but won't watch the other kids. For you to drag them to the studio where they have nothing to do isn't fair to any of you.

I think you guys would really benefit from counseling. I honestly don't think you can solve this on your own, since it sounds like a big, ongoing issue. It also sounds like his mentality is "If I work, you have to do 100% of the child care and home maintenance." That is never going to get better if you don't get help.

Sorry you are going through this. Don't just take it. Stand up to him and get the help you need from him. And don't have sex with him if he's being an a**hole. It's just another way that he's using you and disrespecting you.

I worked through all my child raising years, and still work. Although my kids are grown and on their own, the grandchildren still come over occasionally. My husband is still like this. I have always been jealous of those women whose husbands watched the kids for them so they could have alone time or whatever they needed to do. Just saying... the bottom line is that I love him though, but totally agree that life can be calmer. It's horrible to say, but I just learned to ignore... not that it will help. It probably isn't the most sound advice, but I'm also old fashioned.