Marriage Question: It Gets Better, Right?

Yes it gets better. You do have to work on it - and make it a priority even now. Make time for a night out and some time together - as impossible as that seems. Hang in there... it does get better.

in my experience it doesn't get better to the point of lovey dovey again.
so i think the falling in love is a stage, does not last forever. i love my H but i am not in love with him. i think i don't have time or energy left to love more than i already do...my kids. they come first. hubby comes last. but we're happy and content.

I think that's a common feeling as couples become 2, 3, 4+ year mates. But the love deepens in deeper, better ways usually. Reality sets in and life's ups and downs happen. I'm glad my hubby has been there through good times and bad times.

I have been with my husband for almost 21 years, Married for 10 1/2. We have 4 kids. Marriage is a roller coaster. I can tell you one thing, the butterflies in the stomach when you first meets someone goes away after a while because that feeling isn't the feeling of "being in love" it is the feeling of infatuation with a new "thing".

Being in love with your husband means no matter how many times he leaves the toilet seat up, you put in down without complaining and think to yourself how lucky you are that he is around to leave the seat up. Being in love is about stealing intimate moments while the kids are sleeping, and laughing it off when your 2 year old comes barging through the door cause she had a bad dream. Being in love is about compromise, even when your 50% part turns into 75%. Being in love is what we all want to be in, but not many of us understand how to be, or even what it is.

You can not expect to feel the same way about someone as the day you met them. In fact, you should feel more. If the butterflies are gone, it could be a good sign. Now you are seeing your husband as more than a "new and exciting" thing.

Lives change when we start having kids. You HAVE to create opportunity for the romance to be able to stay alive, or it will die! Feed the kids early one night and set the table for a romantic dinner for two. Arrange to drop the kids off to a sitters for a couple of hours and have a picnic at the park. Go for a romantic walk together, cuddle on the sofa and watch a good movie together. There are so many ways.

I can tell you that my marriage is no where near the perfect marriage. I can also tell you that I am in love with my husband. He loves me for who I am, including all my flaws. He is my best friend. He is my lover. He is who God chose for me to love with all my heart and soul.

If you are at the bottom of the roller coater ride and cart is "broken down", get off the cart and climb back to the top. I guarentee you the view is better from up there!!!

I think this is a pretty overwhelming period for most marriages. I believe that there are different levels of love. I believe that a man and woman grow together as the marriage progresses. (Or at least should) Kids take work and it just drains everyone because it seems like we are putting all kinds of effort into their needs but they mature and become more independent. Eventually we get our own lives back!

It's hard when your kids are little because you are usually exhausted from taking care of them. But you have to be careful not to let that excuse become a way of life; there will always be things in life tugging your focus away from your marriage - kids sports, school, dance, art, etc etc etc. Marriage is work. It won't magically "return to those old feelings" because your life was different then. That doesn't mean you can't find new ways to spark those old feelings, but you do have to work at it. Talk to your husband, tell you feel distance between you and that you don't like it. Then listen to him and together figure out a pro-active plan to recapture the things you miss. The single most important thing you can model for your kids is to have a happy marriage. Make sure you are making your marriage & your husband priorities and the rest will fall into place a lot easier.

You have to make time for eachother. It is very easy to blame busy schedules and the kids for losing touch with your spouse, but bottom line is that you have to work at it to have a strong relationship. I remember my parents going out regularly without us- hired a sitter and went out. They didn't feel guilty about it and when we asked, they told us that they were going on a date.

My husband and I have continued this "tradition" and make a point of going out on a date once a month. It reminds us that we were a couple before we became parents- in a few years it will be "just us" again and we will know the person sitting across the dinner table.

Remember that your wedding vows are a promise to put eachother first every day. That takes time and commitment- it doesn't have to be a huge expensive activity. We have started meeting for lunch when we can and have taken a vacation day to go see a matinee while our son is at daycare. Selfish? Nope- smart, at least I think so.

As long as you work at it, (some women here had great suggestions!) it gets much easier. So far the hardest years of our marriage have been the years we had babies. We were simply too exhausted from taking care of our children to take care of each other. We never stopped trying, though. Now that they are older, 6 and 12, it's much easier to carve out time for each other. Our marriage is much stronger now than it was in the beginning, but it has taken effort on both parts to get here. Hang in there! There are so many joys in having young children, but it is so draining as well. You and your husband will find each other again, just keep looking. :-)

ETA: I didn't mean to imply you weren't working on your marriage. I just know how hard it is to make time for everything when you have little ones.

I go in and out of being IN LOVE. I love him all the time but the in love comes in waves for us. Sometimes he is more than me, sometimes I am. The feeling of warmth , joy, romance and lust is something that fades. But it does not have to. You have to work at these things through out your marriage. Making the time to really kiss, laugh, and to be in lust. I think it gets better with some tweeking. I am so comfortable with my husband that sometimes I dont think we even notice each other. I will admit I don't even listen to hm as he goes on and on about stuff I could care less about. I am sure his eyes are rolling when I go off on yet another story. But then something clicks again and I love the way he looks at me, or the way he is smiling. And when he is talking (i may still not listen) I love the way he gets so passionate about sports. We have date night about twice a month, sometimes we have so much fun and laugh, talk , and get passionate. Then sometimes we are both so tired we don't say a word and just go home! Its all in what you want to put into it. I really could not imagine being with anyone else. I really do not know anyone who is in love 24/7, that would be exhausting!
When our kids were small I remember stealing time with my husband and making sure he knew he was important to me. Men feel lonely and left out also when the kids are small. You just need to put the effort in and make stuff happen. We all have slumps and hills, just get over them. Good luck!

The one thing that I think the other posters haven't mentioned is the "lust" piece. That takes work too. You have to commit to lusting after your husband, but I have not found a single other thing that makes "us" feel like "us" again then sex. Yes, date nights are wonderful, but we talk about the kids. And the alone time after they go to bed is good, but we're not really connecting, we're watching TV or catching up on work or email. But sex is sex, and I feel way happier with my husband the next day when we've had it the night before. But I admit, its easy with young kids to put that at the very end of your priorities list. I did that for a long time, and once you get in the no-sex groove, it's hard to get back. But seriously, try. Because not only will you feel better, it will, in all likelihood, go a heck of a long way towards feeding your husbands committment to the marriage in a whole lot of ways. Good luck.

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, but only married for 1 year, and ever since we've had our son things have changed a lot between us. I have been trying to get things back to how they used to be before we had kids because I do not want to see our marriage fall apart. I'm not going to wait until my kids are older to start trying because by then it could be too late. In my situation it is mostly me that has changed, I am a stay at home mom and all of my focus and attention is on my son. By the time my son is in bed I am ready for me time and I neglect my husband. I am pregnant with my second and I am scared that if I don't start working at things now, I may never get the chance. So I don't think you should be thinking oh things will get better when the kids are older/more independent because things may be too far gone by that time. Start working on it now!

I too am a SAHM and it is hard to convince my husband to go out. He is tired and we don't always have to extra money. What you are forgetting is date nights in :) They are amazing! Opening a bottle of wine, taking a bath together, playing cards together, sitting on the porch together...there are so many things to do....

When i find the 2 pack of filet mignon on sale i grab it. I will feed the kids, send them to bed and let my husband nap while i cook it. The brief nap helps him to stay up and enjoy date night... he gets to wake up to a steak dinner with red wine :) Put on some music that you like and a pair of sexy underwear...lol...those kind of nights never go wrong! Don't forget to drink your 1st glass while you are cooking ;) Ok... i just realized that it is time for one of those nights!

Have fun!

One thing that my husband and I were told in Pre-Marital counseling was when children came into the picture, to make sure you keep a solid date night. Find/interview a nanny/caregiver so that once a week, you can go out as a couple, and be a couple again! Although both of our parents live close by and could help us with that.

The problem is, in my opinion, people miss that first being in love feeling. That feeling of, I cant wait to see this person and learn new things about them and goo goo eyes and whatever. But that's not what a marriage is all about, because you learn all about them, you get into the hum drum of life, and you start to think you arent in love anymore because it's not new love. (I'm using the general "you" here, not saying you in particular!) I know I fall into the cycle. But I remember what attracted me to my husband, and those things havent changed. Our lives have changed dramatically since we had a baby, and sometimes with the rush of jobs and kid and life it can seem to be a bit boring, but it's life. Just because he isnt buying me flowers all the time or whatever doesnt mean he doesnt love me anymore or vise versa.

Hi, L.:

Relationships go through seasons like the seasons of the year.
One way to keep the light burning is to always set time aside of each other
each day. Block off a time that is convenient. Get someone to babysit the children and do something together no matter how small.
Ex. Taking a walk, talk about a book you read, o daydream about something you would like to fix up, fix a candle light dinner, take a shower together and wash each other.

Make a list of things to do that doesn't cost money.

Dont' wait until you are old and the children are gone, it will be too late.

Good luck. D.

I think it can get better, but only if you work at making it get better. I think the longer you let it go, the harder it will be to get back.

One thing that always stuck with me: One of my HS teachers was really glum so we all asked him what was up. Finally he admitted to us that he was really nervous because his youngest daughter was going to college. He said that he didn't even know his wife anymore, that there wasn't a "him and her" anymore, that they put all of their energy into their kids for the past 20 years that they were like strangers. He was literally scared to be alone with her!!

While we all love our children to death, but we HAVE to work on our marriages. We can't always put our kids first (with in reason of course). If it wasn't for the love you and hubby had in the first place, there would be no kids!!

I couldn't agree with Abbi R more! She said it perfectly!
My marriage is not as it used to be five years ago, and it is a work that seems to be in constant progress. There are times when i too questioned if that spark was still there or if the love was strong enough to keep us together, but all of these questions came after we had babies. And even though the joy of our children made our lives happier, it seems that my husband and i grew more distant from each other, not in a bad way, but not in a good way either. We both are so exhausted from midnight feedings and chasing the three year old around and constantly watching on the 10 month old. Sometimes i think I cant wait until my kids go to sleep so that i can have time with my husband, and then when that happens, i am so dang tired, making love is the last thing on my list... i just think SLEEP!!!
So yes, i too am trying really hard not to make this a constant excuse and it seems like i have to ask for more help from family and friends so that i can have time with my hubby. I think once the little ones start to get older and easier to take care of, that feeling will come back... i mean, it's not gone, but just seems like i have to sometimes "work" towards getting in the mood, or feeling excited or happy about going out for dinner or a movie....
hang in there, it will start to get better.

Marriage is hard and it does take a lot of work and effort (I am not saying you are not doing that).

We've been together 25 yrs, approaching the 22nd anniversary. Have things changed? Yes, sometimes better, sometimes worse.

When we were planning pregnancy, we decided that a top PRIORITY would be date night every week. We were doing this as a couple and we would continue to do it as parents.

We still have date night and rarely miss them. It is cheaper now because our daughter is 15 and we don't have to pay a sitter $60-$80 a week cash. You don't have to do extravagant things to have a successful date night (or day).

Successful date time is just you and him, talking, laughing and not all talk about the children and work. We love to go out for happy hour and sometimes dance, we love great dinners at great restaurant, my hubby is a golfer so I sometimes tag along with him so I can cheer him on...he plays in tournaments and he enjoys this, sometimes it is just a trip to the mall or walking together. Whatever it is, make it just you two.

Ups and downs, oh YES, but the bottom line for us is the committtment we made to each other. We are a team. We've spiced things up sometimes by going to an adult toy store, risque beaches, etc, all in good clean fun.

Everyone goes through stressful times. We own our own company and run it...gosh yes that gets stressful and when we are the only 2 in the company, sometimes we get on each others nerves because our habits are not the same. I am organized in my paperwork, etc to the extreme (only write checks with a specific pen, keep notes with specific pen, I hate it when he writes in my notebooks, I know OCD there) and he is OCD extreme on the numbers and cloroxing everything in the house. I can never clean it enough and that irritates me to death. I've learned to let some things slide and not get on my nerves..... remember to look at the big picture.

I am the one running the business at home while he is on the road with travel. When he gets home, I greet him, and then I don't start asking questions, talking about the day, etc right away. I get a glass of wine or drink for him, he spends about 30 minutes just chilling down and then things are much calmer when we start discussing the day...what happened at daughter's school, how shipments were handled, etc.

Hang in there it is not perfect ALL the time. Just appreciate each other. I do believe things have gotten much easier as daughter has grown up.

Best wishes.

Mmmmmmm.... in my experience, no. It doesn't get better. It becomes what we make of it. Our choices, day in and day out, sum up our experiences. All the little things that stack up. Yup there are rough patches... but we've had bad years (as in plural), and good ones. The good ones we BOTH are caring for each other... the bad ones either neither of us is, or only one of us is.

I've been on the divorce fence for 4 years. Wheeee. I love my H dearly, even passionately sometimes. But he treats our son and I badly. I have to fight for common decency. There are times (during the bad runs) that I've stayed and worked out of hope, and times I stay because we only see him at most 1 or 2 days a week and 1 evening... which is about what custody would be, and if I'M not willing to deal with him, how can I make my 7 year old deal with him alone?

I go through periods of liking but not loving, and loving but not liking... but it really does take 2 to tango... for the good or ill of the relationship.

R
(9 years)

That is not the way the system works. You can't ignore your relationship for the children and work and then expect those habits to change IF you're still married by that time.

Change your priorities. Make the relationship one of your priorities. Read up on it. Have date nights. Cuddle. Compliment. Be suggestive and flirtacious. Investigate and show interest in his past and goals and what is or was meaningful to him. Be what "the other woman" would be if one were to constantly try to temp him. Then encourage him to do the same with you. Be responsive to his efforts and go with it. Love, laugh, live. We never know when we'll get a 2 week notice that our time has run out. Or even no notice. If you think life will change when the kids leave, well, you or he may be gone by then.

When they say you have to "work at" a relationship, that doesn't mean to to ignore your partner and prioritize the children and work to their total expense. Don't have a babysitter: get one. Don't have date clothes or money, go to a thrift shop and be picky and take community dance lessons, go out for ice cream and free outdoor concert. Don't have time: re-prioritize. Good luck

Great practical info already from the other posters.

My husband and I have been together 24 years and married 22. Our son is almost 20 and our daughter almost 16.
I agree that when the kids are little, it is so easy to just focus on them and the immediate needs of the family. But I agree that you have to make time for each other. I realize that paying money for a baby sitter may or may not be practical but surely there are other ways you can think of. A family member? trading with a friend? And you don't have to GO and DO something like a whole dinner/movie thing. Just go to a coffee shop and sit and talk. Or take the kids to a friends house and sit at home and play cards. Sounds boring, but a little strip rummy and . . . . ;)
Once the kids got a little older, maybe school age? After 8:30 it was OUR time. I know they weren't IN bed going to sleep, but unless they were dying, they were upstairs in their rooms. Granted we may have just sat and watched a TV show together, but we were together as a couple, without interruption.
Now that they are older, we may just take out of here, especially on a weekend and just have lunch together and run some errands. My husband can make a trip to the dry cleaners and Lowes an experience! Our recent favorite is Sunday breakfast somewhere, just the 2 of us.
In a couple of weeks we are heading to a local resort area and spending a night away, just the 2 of us.
I wouldn't call it "work" but it did take some planning and effort to make sure we had some time together. And it is better, much better. I love my husband and he is my best friend! We are looking forward to "retirement" and spending more time together.
Good Luck and In good health,

Great question! I've loved reading these responses for ideas. With an 11 month old, my husband and I are definitely where you're at. Very tired, no time to connect. We can't really get sitters for weekly date nights, but we do have a weekly sex night. It seriously annoys me to make sure that my legs are shaved and I'm usually not in the mood at all, but I force myself to play along. Every week I go from faking interest to enjoying myself! We also struggle to have something to talk about besides work and the baby. Sometimes we just read the newspaper and discuss stuff to keep ourselves from going back to the two usual topics of conversation! It's very different from the couple we were for the past 12 years, but there are many times that I stop and enjoy the new dimmensions I see in my husband. The butterflies flew away before the baby even arrived, but I do know we'll get back to the point where we are up all night talking, etc...

I really depends... on both partners.
Both have to want it... to stay constant or get better.
There are always problems in any marriage. Mine too.
But, at least, me/Hubby both try to work on it.
My Hubby can be quite verbal... but once he is at his wits end.
As his wife/and a Mom.. he tells me that WE have to make more time for each other... and "me" not just thinking about the kids. Which is what happens to a woman once they have kids. The Hubby gets side-lined. They get irked too.
They may not always feel lovey dovey with you either. It takes BOTH to get that way... or to not get that way. CONSCIOUSLY.
You "choose" that outcome. And either do something about it, or not. If you don't... then don't expect any of those "in love" feelings to happen to you. Because it won't. It takes work... and commitment... and dedication. CONSCIOUSLY.

You cannot expect, the "honeymoon" feelings all the time. It is not realistic... you need to grow together and make it work, or not. It is your choice. You tend to it or not. You care for it or not. You nurture it or not.
Your choice. It doesn't just happen all hunky-dory. It is not honey-moon feelings all the time.

All the best,
Susan

L. P. I am married for 24 years with 3 grown children. I have to say that things have not gone back to the way they were prechildren. I think that happens because we grow and we have different interests. But one thing I want to tell you and your friend (it is very hard to do with young children) but you and your husband have to make each other your number 1 priority, you have to make time for each and spend some quaility time together even if it is after the children go to bed. If you can make a night out for you both that would be wonderful. You have to work on rekindling those feelings, right now with doing all you have to do around the house and taking care of your children you are too tired for anything further, but if you want to keep your marriage whole and healthy you have to work and work hard at keeping it special . You each have to consider each others feelings especially when it comes to making big decisions. Learn to communicate with each other. Fight for what you want your relationship to be, Pray about it also. Good Luck

Wow! So many wonderful answers. I am going on 24 years of marriage with lots of ups and downs. We even contemplated divorce at about five years. It absolutely takes work. In the case of our "bump" we went to a marriage counselor who helped me see that I needed to learn that I could be an independent person and still love my husband. Once I learned how to love myself, it was much easier to love him (and for him to love me!) Now that I have college and teenage aged kids I realize how wonderful he is in so many ways. He is a wonderful provider, father and okay - he is still pretty sexy for 45! think the physical part (watching my words for delicate ears) is extremely important in staying connected and tends to go by the wayside when you have young ones. Try talking yourself into the "mood". Look at him and think about what wonderful things he does for you. Think about some of the lust of your earlier days and give yourself some credit for being able to do it again! You will probably be very suprised to find that you actually arn't THAT tired and the closeness really helps you get through the next day! Wishing you the best!

Hello L. ~ My hubby & I have been together for 16 yrs; celebrating our 8th anniversary in July we have a 16 yr old, 5 yr old & a 16 month old.....I have struggled w/being unhappy & whether or not I wanted to make my marriage work for about a year...the 7 year itch LOL...I have constantly told my hubby how much I miss having him to talk to & spend time w/when he get home from work he tends to still "work" the house becomes crazy when daddy gets home anyway, we have NOT been out together as a couple since before our 5 year old was born....I made the decision to try & make my marriage work...I found us a wonderful babysitter & we've had 3 dates in the last 2 months & what a difference it has made; we've definitely reconnected & I'm falling in love w/my hubby all over again! Marriage isn't easy it does require work as w/any relationship new or old it gets better but you have to want to make it work.

You can not sit and wait for it to get better, you have to make it better. Once parents, couples grow apart because they stop making the couple a priority. It is important to set aside time for the 2 of you to connect. Get away for a long weekend together, start having regular date nights, look back and try to remember about each other all the things that drew you together in the beginning. If you keep sitting and waiting you may well wait your marriage right out the door.

Date night always works for us

The fatigue regarding sex for now is totally normal, but feeling "not in love with your husband" wouldn't be the same for everyone. Lots of people I know enjoyed the new dimension of seeing the man they love as a father and loved him even more. They missed being with him still, as in, sometimes wished they could spend their time with him instead of the kids sometimes and planned get aways etc. My feelings for my husband really didn't change. I got fatigued and put off for a while from physical stuff (so did he) but the increase in appreciating his help and watching him be a dad made up for it, and when that phase passed everything was the same as always. A couple of friends I know never really did love their husband all the way, just wanted them for support, to have a wedding, to have kids, etc. so when they got their kids, the kids took all their attention and they sort of scrapped the hubby mentally.
What you're going through is unique to you and others having the same feelings. This could be temporary, but beware, it's a two way street. If you're unsatisfied with hubby and not trying to be the same attractive (emotionally as well as physically) partner you were before, he may be feeling the same way.

I have been married for almost five years. What keeps me from KILLING the man is remembering something I heard once: look at your spouse the way you did when you first met. Remember all of the reasons why you fell in love with that person. When I do this, he actually changes from the grumpy jerk he can be to the sexy sweetheart I was dying to marry. So, for what it is worth, that helped.

As for sex.....I started a group on Facebook "C-section Moms getting our SEXY back" feel free to come join (you have to "apply as it is a closed group".