Is There Ever Enough Sex for Him?!

Oh, sounds like you are in a tough situation!

To be brief, I was going to write what Dawn B. and Molly S. wrote.

I am more concerned with how he is treating you than whether he's getting enough sex! :)

Hang in there!

H.

how could he have it more than that if he is only home once a week?

He sounds selfish you must be exhausted, and if he is not helping, you are not going to be sexually attracted to him!

sex in my house fluctuates, can be 3 times a week, to once a month

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You need to sit him down and talk to him calmly. He needs to realize that you do sooo much during the week with noone to help you. You need BREAKS too!! I was mad at my exhusband when he didn't help at all with our 1 daughter and he wasn't even away like that, I couldn't imagine 4... that takes some energy! Maybe he needs a reality check and he should take care of the kids for a week. Sorry if it sounds rash, guys that act like that strike a nerve with me :P
Why would he accuse you of cheating? Be CAREFUL with this one because alot of times your guy will start accusing you because he is cheating and starts getting scared that you are too. With him being gone so often and ya'll fighting alot just don't be blind to anything that goes on while he's gone, do ya'll call eachother and talk throughout the week? visit him ever?
Good luck hun, you have been through alot from what your post says. You deserve some relaxation and not to get pestered when he's home for 1 or 2 days, how much sex does he really expect in that short time lol? For ya'll to be closer he should transfer his job to the city you live in... I agree with Cindy I couldn't live like that... he has got to give and take a chill pill

If he wants more -he should be nicer. Make sure you relay that message to him! No one who's emotionally stable wants to sleep with a jerk.

I'm addressing a different issue you posed...My husband worked in Japan for three-month stints over a couple years. While he was there he was basically single. He went out drinking with work mates, he didn't worry about kids, etc. You husband is not being a father or a husband. He's a single guy who comes to visit you on weekends. As a result, it sounds as if he's become very self-centered - like a single guy. I think you have bigger problems than sex. Could you move to be with him? Your entire family would function better if you had a husband who was present. When my husband was away I became very self-sufficient and he became very single - he got used to sleeping in, felt resentful when the kids kept us from doing things independently, etc. It was a tough time for our marriage. I think that you need to consider that a family can not exist if the father is just a pay check. Eventually nobody will be happy. Good-luck.

It sounds to me like sex isnt the problem. He isn't satisfied period. I would get some couples counseling and insist on him helping you! There has to be some common ground here that you can find that will be ok with both of you. Work it out in counseling. It is unacceptable for him to treat you unkindly and you also need to try and meet his needs. Try to communicate and get him home more often-- give him an incentive--- tell him you would love to be more intimate with him but you need some help around the house and with the kids- you need him to respect you and treat you kindly and you need to feel like you have a partnership and not single parenthood. Then, I am sure you would be more than willing to be more intimate with him on a more frequent basis. Just my 2cents. Good luck!

M

I can partially relate to you because my DH travels M-F so is only home 2 days and 3 nights a week. It's really hard because he complains that we only have sex once a week but is here less than half the time! It's also hard because his job is very stressful so he needs a day to wind down once he gets home and is kind of grumpy during that day. I, on the other hand, have a hard time understanding his grumpy mood because I'm pretty stressed from taking care of our 3 kids all week! Then, of course, I'm not "in the mood". I think my DH would want it more no matter how much he gets it so I've decided once a week is a reasonable amount of times considering how much he's home and I try not let it be less frequent than that.

From what I read the worrying part is that he thinks you're having an affair. Can he be serious? Why would he think that? To me that's an indication of some kind of lack of trust on one or both sides of the marriage. Also, how mean is he? Is it just a case of the grumpies (like my DH)? or is it much worse than that? Because of these 2 things I agree with some of the PPs that you should seek counseling (yeah, with all the spare time you have I'm sure!).

Have you thought about suggesting to him that since he wants more sex, perhaps he can arrange to come home at least once during the week, and the two of you can get a sitter for your kids, and go somewhere special?
Or.. an alternative, get the sitter for the kids and have him provide you transportation to where he 'lives' during the week (you notice I'm not suggesting that you drive for two hours, but that you be driven there so you can be nicely rested up when you arrive). Plenty of commuters drive two hours to and from work on a daily basis in California. I personally think that's a crazy schedule, but it does show that it can be done. So my point is that it wouldn't hurt him to do it once during the week in order to meet his 'needs'.
I do think that making it a 'date' night without the children around might get you more in the mood. If you have family living nearby, it might be nice just to have them spend a night with grandma, cousins or someone like that... or perhaps you have some friends with whom you could make some arrangement of that nature, and trade off taking care of their children so they could have some time to themselves too.
You do need to communicate with your husband that there are times when physically and emotionally you just aren't going to be up to having sex, and that you need to work out a mutually acceptable schedule.

I think the fact that he is only home once a week makes this a strange situation. What does he expect? Does he want to have sex multiple times the day HE is home? I dont know your situation personally but I do know I could not live this way for years, if he needs intimacy with you then something's gotta give, either he comes home more often and you two can work on your relationship of it is just going to get worst. I suggest couples therapy, this doesnt seem like a healty relationship to me. good luck to you.

If he were at home all the time, I would say that was probably not enough for him. My husband is not happy unless we are about every other day, and I am happy with that too, though it took some doing on my part to enjoy it that much, but the more you do it, the more you want it. But your situation sounds pretty difficult, with him not being home. I would say to try to do more when he is home, and see if his unreasonable feelings lift, men really do associate sex with love, and when they are not getting enough they don't think about much else, not that their feelings are any more valid than ours, just that they really do recieve and give love through sex, and feel very frustrated if they don't have that outlet.

Since he is having such a hard time with it, I would seek out some counseling to come to terms with a solution, especially if you are willing to put it in the context that he has valid feelings too, and that his feelings about wanting more sex are really about loving you and not about him being selfish, I bet you could start working on some real life solutions to the issue.

What I found was, that once my husband was getting it as much as he wanted it, he quit being so hyperfocused on the times that he was not, if I was sick, or he was out of town, or there was something that neither of us could do anything about. Once you get to that point (don't know how, with his schedule) I bet he will feel more reasonable too.

Men are just totally different than we are.

M.

Girlfriend, I only have 2 kids, and I'm too tired most nights to want anything. It's not that I don't enjoy it when we do, but with everything I do during the day, the lack of sleep due to kids waking in the night, and breastfeeding.... I also went through a time where I was very resentful of him and therefore, didn't want anything to do with him, let alone have sex!

It's a tough situation to be in, especially since he's not being sensitive to YOUR needs. I'm assuming you've tried to talk to him about your feelings? Have you considered counseling? You've had SO MUCH in the last 5 years! Men NEVER truly understand how exhausting kids are until THEY have them 24/7 by themselves. Weekends don't count because you're still there. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. Would he reject marriage counseling?

One of the things that worked for me was to try to put aside those hurtful feelings and do something for him. It helped show him that I wasn't rejecting HIM. He now laughs about getting his sex for the month, but I know it still bothers him.

I take heart in the fact that I know the exhaustion won't last forever. Although our sex life has never returned to pre-kids frequency, it did return to more than once a month when my son started sleeping through the night. So, I know that it'll return once my daughter (10mo) starts sleeping as well, and I catch up on some sleep.

I hope your situation improves!!!!

Wow! This is a very serious and important topic. As a full time working mother of two little ones with homework and extra curricular activities, social life, not to mention a hefty social life of my own, I can relate to being tired. Unfortunately, some men do not understand how much is involved in raising children (this is a whole other discussion, so I will not elaborate further). Men have a totally different sex drive and expect us to keep up all the time. However, even though we are tired and involved with the kids, it is equally important to make time for intimacy with out mates. 1-4 times a month is not enough, at least not for me. :) You have to be especially careful with limiting sex. Remember, there is alway a "clean up woman" out there ready to step in and give him all the sex he wants, living away from home also makes it easy. I dont want to make accussations, but be careful. Men will be men. Hang in there and I hope it gets better for you. No one, especially a woman who has birthed children and had so many complications should be treated this way.

I've known more than one woman who told her husband, "Sweetie, you know what a HUGE turn-on it would be for me if you helped me out more with the kids and chores? My job is never done, and I'm pooped."

You do have a difficult history, for sure. And it's also true that many, probably most, men under 40 who are still attracted to their wives would consider twice a week maybe BARELY enough.

I would ask him why you can't move closer to his job.. Unless he has another family.. Yes pregnant 7 times in 5 years is a lot . May I ask if your on any birth control? How old are the children if your talking about homework? 1 to 4 times for sex a month no is not enough.. then again i couldn't do the sleeping alone thing..

I can only imagine what you have gone through all these years. You have endured many hardships and more than anything you need is emotional support, kind words, and appreciation. We all need that. And this is what I have come to understand after many years of marriage with many upsets and hurts and not to mention scarce sex. My emotional support does not have to come from my partner, great if it does, great if it does not. I can take care of myself. I can turn to my friends and family and better yet appreciate myself by doing nice things for myself everyday no matter how small, such as enjoying a cup of tea at the end of day, lighting candle for myself, buying gifts for myself, listening to my favorite music, taking up dance classes, going out with friends, etc. I do not need the 'other' to tell me how wonderful I am.

This is what marriage means to me. In marriage, we only share our life together. Only essential things we need to offer each other are: acceptance as we are, respect for who we are, and be responsible for who we are. Beyond that we are independent individuals. Our body, mind, and soul are still ours. We can not demand love or sex (for that matter) from each other. It has nothing to do with marriage. If it is there, great, if not, great. We can not expect the 'other' to make us happy but be in charge of our own happiness and take care of us on our own. When we take care of ourselves, we feel better and are in a good mood and spread that positive energy around us. Unfortunately, we get consumed (hard not to) in looking answers for questions like 'WHY' is my partner is like that or why does he/she not understand me? Why the ‘other’ person is like that is not our problem to solve. It is his/her own problem. May be the other person was raised that way or has some issues of his/her own to deal with. May be the other person feels inadequate and less important and does not know any better. There is always something behind something. Even if we find the answer what does it accomplish? It does not get us what we want. The point is that there is no need to solve any WHY mystery but to put energy in 'WHAT' can I do to make things a little better -NOT for the other person but for me. What can I do to make this hurt feeling go away and feel good about myself and applaud myself for who I am.

I think you have a lot to thank yourself for what you have accomplished all these years. When you find it hard to do (which it is), call someone who cares about you, your parents & friends who can remind you about your great accomplishments and just look at your kids who adore you - you are always there for them. When we do this, our feelings of resentment start to fade away and we are in a better mood. When we are in a better mood, we are more forgiving and accepting, and loving so to speak.
Hope I made some sense. My very best to you.
-Rachna

You do it more than we do and we don't have him "living" in another city part time

Wow, you have your hands full. I would want to have sex w/ my husband every time he was home on the weekends but since he is like that to you, I understand why you don't want to. You two need to talk about how you feel. If you are arguing the whole time he's home, you two have more issues than just sex. I hope you two work it out and you get some alone time. You need to get a sitter and go get some pampering!

Sounds like he is being selfish, and putting his needs ahead of yours. He is not around enough to see how hard it is to be a single married parent! Maybe you should leave all of the kids alone with him for awhile, so he can see how tiring it can get.

First, you'd have every right to complain - at least a little! Second, no, that seems totally normal. When my husband and I are both busy with work and the kids, two to four/five times a month seems about average for us re: what we're able to fit in, even if we'd like to do it (a lot) more often. We're just so exhausted and it can be near impossible to coordinate our schedules and libidos. Good luck ...

Ugh! I'm sorry that you have to go through that. You've been through so much. I really hope that I don't offend you but it sounds like your hubbie may be cheating on you. It's a common trait of cheaters to accuse their significant other of cheating. And that put together with the other factors (the guilt trips and the fact that you are away from each other so much) may mean that you should look into it further. I've been through this before with an ex-boyfriend so I've seen these signs myself. I really, really hope that I am wrong! Take care and good luck!

I can't even imagine your situation. I can only offer this tidbit, and it's in no way saying you need to do it more for him. "women need to feel close (emotionally intament) in order to have sex, where as men need sex to feel close."