Stay-home Mother Wondering About Giving up Marriage

I'm no therapist, but I am a mother of 2, happily married for 17 years. Ups and downs, high/low libido, demands of children, etc... been there done that.

On the face of what you have said here, just on the face of it, regardless of whatever underlying low self-esteem issues your husband has... I see two things.

1) You are content with your low sex drive and your husband is not.
2) Nursing (which is not at all necessary for a 3 year old) affects your hormones, which can affect your sex drive (lower it).

So, you are actively doing something that lowers your sex drive, when you already know that this is an issue in your marriage. You are aware your husband has self-esteem issues, and yet, you continue to be content with low sex drive, which he is likely to receive as rejection.

I am certain that there are alllll sorts of mitigating factors here. And allll sorts of history that you did not include for the sake of space/time. But, underlying all of the big issues (which you seem to place on your husband and his personal depression/low self esteem), you seem only concerned with therapy/counseling to assist in helping with the issues.
I am not saying that your husband's issues are your fault, nor that you are responsible for them. Not at all. BUT, do you not see that your actions could be exacerbating his issues?
Just curious if you feel any responsibility for your side of the sexual nature of your marriage. Men need sex in a way women often do not. And when women focus on other aspects of our lives, as with you and your children, you are still fulfilled, while it is cutting your husband out of something he needs.
Just something to think about.

If your husband won't go to counseling, then you go alone.

You and your husband have been together for 18 years. For the first 9, you were not a mother. Motherhood is the most important job you'll ever have, that's for sure, but it's not all you are. You are a woman. You are a wife. You were a girlfriend.

Don't take this the wrong way - because I do the same thing - but I'm going to throw out the idea that you are hiding behind motherhood to avoid dealing with your husband. Either you weren't that into him all along and kept him so that you could achieve your dream of being a home-schooling SAHM while he provides for your financial needs, or something changed after the kids came along...of course children change everything, but you can't suddenly go into "mommy only" mode for years and years...that's not fair or healthy.

You had NINE YEARS with this guy before the kids came along. What was he like when you were dating? Why did you marry him? After you got married, why did you have children with him?

My husband has some complicated mental health issues that he has dealt with with varying degrees of success and then ignores. We go through phases of relative stability to points of crisis pretty regularly. It's exhausting, as you know. It's easier to disconnect from a troubled spouse and allow your children to fulfill your needs for physical contact (snuggling, hugs and kisses, breastfeeding) and emotional connection. In the meantime, you and your kids are creating some little club that your husband is excluded from. You may argue that he excludes himself, but nonetheless, you are the one who spends time with your children, who knows every cell of their being and spends time with them yet you won't give that time and affection and attention to your husband. That's not fair to him.

Regarding low libido...I get that too. I'm fine with once a month. I could be single and have no sex for years and it wouldn't bother me. Guess what? That's YOUR problem to own. Sometimes yeah, you have to suck it up and take one for the team and give your husband the sexual attention he needs. You can't tell a guy that he has to be faithful but then tell him that you refuse to help him meet his sexual needs with a frequency that is normal and healthy.

Anyway...your marital problems really aren't all him. The good news is that you own some of this, so YOU can fix some of this. Sometimes all it really takes is one spouse to change the relationship. You change your attitude and behavior, and his might change for the better too, to the point where he takes a greater interest in his own self care and becomes more engaged in parenting. It's 100% worth it for you to work with a counselor even if he doesn't want to do the marriage counseling.

At the end of the day... those kids you are so devoted to spending your days with only get to have you at home all the time if your husband is in the picture. Unless you're OK with the thought of sending your older child to school and your youngest to daycare while you go to work, then I would suggest that you take a deep breath and re-engage in your marriage and help fix it and heal. Don't waste your mental and emotional energy fantasizing about leaving...turn that energy towards fantasizing about re-connecting with your husband and finding balance and happiness in your marriage.

I recommend weaning your 3 yr old. This is not helping your marriage. yes you are a mother but you also need to be a wife. It seems as though you are putting your children ahead of your husband. This will make his low self esteem issues worse.

You need to find a babysitter and start planning date nights with your husband. a nice dinner out and dancing can do a lot for the libido. A long weekend away for just the two of you, a walk on the beach, snuggling up with a fire will do a lot to make him feel better about himself and the romance will help increase your sex drive.

Maybe you need to explore your lack of desire. It could be the hormones for breastfeeding causing the lack of desire or it could be a fear of having more children. Explore yourself and find out what is going on in your head.

It wouldn't be a bad idea, as others have already suggested, for you to visit the therapist on a regular basis yourself. The other ladies have given you great advice, so I won't repeat it. I'm also a homeschooling mom, and I know that it's very easy to get wrapped up in your kids, their activities, and all the activities it takes to run your home. However, your husband is the person making your livelihood possible. Make him a priority when he's at home, in whatever way you can. Schedule date night, or finagle a weekend away if you can. FInd a way to re-connect. You fell in love with this man once; try to find your way back to that place. You know that marriage isn't always easy, but it sounds like your husband is a man worth fighting for.

I'm sorry, but none of this sounds like worth running away from. Did you not vow to him, "in sickness and in health?" Is depression not a form of sickness?

He treats you well, treats your kids well, is a good provider, isn't abusing anyone, isn't cheating on you, isn't a drunk/druggie, etc. No, that's a marriage worth fighting for!

Until both you can stick with therapy - whether it's couples therapy, or individual therapy for EACH of you or all of those -- you and your husband are going to go on resenting each other. He resents that you don't want more sex. You resent -- can we please admit it -- that he's not more paternal in the way you'd like; that he's emotionally dependent on you; that he's "trapping" you.

You both have to get serious about treating his mental issues and, on your own part, setting aside your maternal focus for a while to focus instead on your marriage and your life as an adult apart from your children.

Have you sat down and thought hard about what attracted you to him in the first place? Not just sexual attraction -- what about his personality, interests, values, etc. made him the person you wanted to marry? If that person is still there, you need to work WITH him harder and he definitely needs to wake up and see that if he does not get serious, ongoing treatment he is going to lose his family (which could send him into a much worse mental spiral of "worthlessness").

Re-read you own post. You say near the end: "The next time we drop out from marriage counseling will be the time" when you leave him. Can you see how that statement shows that you actually are EXPECTING, maybe even on some level actually hoping, that he will fail yet again at counseling and that will give you the green light to leave? You really need to delve into this with an objective professional. You are almost hoping for an "out" here, can you see that? And can you see that if you have that agenda, unknown even to yourself, you are not going to be there to help him and to help your marriage? You also are focusing on your kids to the extent that you are using them and your "maternal feelings" as a kind of smokescreen to hide behind -- if you are all about the kids, that's great and no one can blame a mom who put her kids first, right?

You might find in a few years that you put the kids first at the wrong time and it cost you what could have been a perfectly good marriage IF you and your husband both had been frank and honest with each other and held each other accountable for getting him some mental health treatment and getting both of you some serious marriage counseling.

I could be wrong here, but it seems as though you enjoy being a full time mother, but you have no interest in being a wife and partner.
I'm afraid you can't have it both ways.
If you are truly miserable in your relationship, then yes, maybe you should leave, but you need to be fully aware that the price you will pay will be that you will become a full time working mom and your kids will likely only be with you 50% of the time.
Is that what you REALLY want?
I would NEVER encourage a woman to stay in an unhappy marriage, but in this case I think it's naïve to think you're really going to be any happier if you leave.
If you don't like sex then do something about it. Start making an effort to do it and enjoy it more. Get yourself a vibrator, for many of us that is the key to the kingdom!
I'm pretty sure once the sex life picks up your husband will be a lot happier and therefore so will you.

Here's how your life will change if you file for divorce.

You'll have to be working full time. If you can't prove to a judge you can support your kids without child support and spousal support he'll give full custody to your husband and you'll be the one paying support.

You won't be homeschooling anyone because you'll be at work and then after they are out of school they'll be in child care.

You'll have to move to a place you can afford on your own salary, if you don't have a college degree you might want to consider getting in college now, to get a degree so you can start making a living and providing insurance.

Life has changed for those getting a divorce. The man is getting a LOT more consideration when it's time to award custody and separation of the household, retirement, life insurance, etc.....

You will not have the life you have now. It simply won't happen. Even if hubby wants to give you all those things without conflict his attorney will not allow him to give those things away. That attorney is hired to protect his assets and resources.

Since he's been the primary provider he'll keep everything, the day he leaves the home you will be on your own financially. Bills, house payments, vehicles, insurance, every single thing he provides you with will be gone.

So, is it worth it. Because you don't want sex? Intimacy? To try and fix this issue? I would want my life to continue with the kids and contentment.

Old married couples stay together for the friendship, companionship, long life together with a loving caring partner, they don't jump in the sack every day or even every other day. There are some couples who haven't had sex in years due to health issues. If it's a problem then they address it.

If you care about him at all then you should want to be intimate with him on some level. BUT did you ever have the hots for him? The deep down desire to jump him when he walked in the door? If not then perhaps you didn't love him in that way or there is a medical issue that a doc can help you with.

I'd consider talking to the doc about this again. You're not that old and sharing intimacy should be enjoyable and wanted.

In your fantasy of leaving, what does it look like?
The reality is you will be returning to work, setting up a new home and your daughters will be at their dad's house fifty percent of the time.
So, yes, if you think that's a more attractive alternative than staying and working on your marriage you should start getting your ducks in a row now. Get your resume up to date and out there, start talking to attorneys, etc.
But don't say anything to your girls until you are absolutely sure. For their sake you need to be fully committed and ready to handle how drastically all of your lives will change. Going from full time mom to divorced working mom is a VERY hard transition. I have some friends who have been through it (and they are glad they did in all cases) but the first few years are hard on everyone. It's not a decision to make on a vague feeling of unhappiness or general discontent.

Why do you drop out? You can get much help by continuing to go even when your husband drops out. I wonder if you're ready to be without him when you're not able to continue in counseling without him.

I urge you to continue with counseling so you will be prepared if you do decide to divorce. I suggest you read about co-dependency. It is obvious your husband depends on you. He could not do this without your cooperation. Learn how to be a strong independent woman. Yes, you may need to separate from your husband to become strong and independent. Just know that a divorce will complicate your life in ways you're not aware and that you will benefit from help as you learn about yourself including why you married this needy man and why you are dependent on him.

If you were independent and not depressed yourself, you would find ways to manage this situation without relying on him to change. There are two of you in this marriage. What have you done to make it work? What have you done to be happy even tho he is depressed? I suggest that it would be very unusual for you to not also be depressed.

You know, you make him feel completely rejected and unloved and unwanted every time you turn him down for sex. He hates being the one who always has to initiate it (if that is true). He wants to feel close to you. I think you should put sex on your calendar once or twice a week...who knows, maybe you will start getting into it more. As for his depression...he really does need to see a therapist regularly. He should also try seeing a naturopathic doctor who will recommend supplements that help with depression. I agree with others that even if your husband does not stick with counseling, that you need to continue to do it. Does he know you have these thoughts? Do you two talk about how his depression is driving you away? Can you try to reconnect with your husband? Can you leave the kids with grandparents for a week and have a vacation just the two of you? Re discover what you loved about him in the first place.

My husband has a lower Sex drive than I do. I think you need to sit down and seriously consider what it would be like if you wanted Sex more than your husband did. How would you feel if he was "content" with once a year as opposed to your once a month? What if you wanted Sex once a week, but he was not willing? And then add to that having low self-esteem.

Honestly, I think you're barracading yourself from your husband.

What was your life like growing up? Did you have any toxicity in your family-of-origin? Co-dependency? Dependency? Abandonment?

I'd get back to therapy, perhaps on my own, and delve deeply into the thought process that resulted in this marriage. Something about him felt comfortable and "good" to you. What was it?

Whether he is overly emotionally dependent on you remains to be seen. Again, that's something to be discussed in therapy. That's what makes me wonder if you were "parentified" as a kid - i.e., you were a mini-parent or you had to grow up fast and you resent having to do it again with your spouse (especially after having kids who are legitimately needy). If he is too emotionally dependent on you then there is definitely something to work on.

Sexual differences are very common (though certainly frustrating) between men and women. To me it sounds like a part of the overall problem for you guys. Again - therapy.

I'm a divorced and remarried mom. I have one child from each of my marriages. Though my 2nd marriage has lasted a long time and we are very happy, I have never totally gotten over the pain of being divorced. My kids are doing well, too, but that hasn't been an easy path either.

I would not give up without a fight. I would get back to counseling and imprint upon my husband that this is the fight for our marriage and he better get his battle gear on. Once a woman's heart changes it is very hard to change it back.

Good luck - hope this gets better for you. Please get help, for you individually as well as your marriage.

I think you should see a therapist on your own, in addition to the couples counselor. This person can help you figure out what you want out of life, and also help give you strategies for dealing with your husband's untreated mental illness. Please go on your own, in addition to anything your husband does, or any couples therapy.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, and hope that counseling helps. I'm writing only to say that the doom and gloom scenario below about what will happen to you if you divorce is not necessarily the case. I have no idea if it *could* happen, but I can promise you it doesn't always. My very good friend divorced last year after being a home schooling stay at home mom. She receives alimony and child support (since her husband was the sole wage earner he was legally obligated to pay alimony). It's not enough to allow her to stay home forever, but she's staying home for a few more years and then will reenter the workforce.

They split all of their assets (we live in a community property state - you should check to see if you do too). Even if you don't, judges don't award property to whomever made more money or had the salary to pay for it.

I still don't think divorce is a great option if you love and care about your husband. Serious focusing on your relationship (as husband and wife, not just parents) is what you need... good luck!

Oh no, please do not give up. It it not a reason for divorce. It looks like you have a wonderful husband, and you are a wonderful woman going through difficult times. We,all have been there one way or another.
You are stressed and have low libido because what you do is a lot of work (I home school as well), you need to set your priorities, shorten your schedule and find some time for yourself. Set aside a little time to take a walk, to go to the gym, to sit down and read, especially to sit down with your husband, hold hands and watch a movie, ...nothing big... .
Just do something every single day that will allow you to regain that little special something between both of you; that will help you to feel a little bit of desire of being with him. The more you do it, the easier will be for you to start feeling attraction for him again. Husbands need less than what we think, they need our attention; they need us for them to feel special, they need just a big hug or sweet kiss when they come from work, a nice and tasty dish at dinner time prepare for ourselves.
Marriage is not over until you decide it is over,until you give up, but there is always a hope, there is always a small window to be open and solve things.
Talk to him nicely, and let him know that you will try your best, you need to start doing those little things to feel better yourself, and then your husband will feel better himself in response to that little "sacrifice" you will be doing for him. The first time when you have sex or make love to him, it will feel like you do not feel anything or much probably, but with the passing of times and after doing things together, having small gestures of attention, kisses, hugs, sweet touching, everything will be better. Be more physical, more inviting; work on your feelings and desires, do yoga, pilates, swimming, stretching, things like that. I promise you that any kind of exercise you start doing right now, it will help you to feel better, and relaxed yourself (15 minutes or so).
One more thing, after school I always take a 30 minute-nap, and I feel rejuvenated. Yes...laundry pile up a little, and paperwork waits for me on my desk, but I ask for help to my children, my husband who now is happy to help me and I finish stuff during weekends.
I had low libido, I always felt tired, my husband was stressed out at work, and was having more health problems; after I decided that I would be the one to change for the sake of my marriage, my family, things changed wonderfully, but it was MY choice because like you, I have a wonderful husband who is a wonderful dad, I am happy, I am happy with my marriage, the man I chose, my kids, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Please, do not give up.

Sounds like you spend majority of your time with the kids. Have you tried taking time out for yourself? A few hrs a day once a week by yourself to get your hair or nails done or have lunch with friends/ family. Maybe he can find a hobby or meet up group as well so he can socialize. I think you and him can save the marriage by trying something different. Hope this helps.

Updated

Sounds like you spend majority of your time with the kids. Have you tried taking time out for yourself? A few hrs a day once a week by yourself to get your hair or nails done or have lunch with friends/ family. Maybe he can find a hobby or meet up group as well so he can socialize. I think you and him can save the marriage by trying something different. Hope this helps.

You know you are ready to end it when you can't stand to see him for one more second. I have been through it. Your marriage is VERY workable and a lot of women would LOVE to be in your situation. Your husband can always make more money, hire someone to clean the house, hire someone to cook and hire someone to watch his kids but you DO.NOT. want him to find someone to sexually satisfy him. You need to figure that out real quick and I would start by visiting with your doctor. You also BOTH need to make some friends. Since you are a SAHM and homeschooler, I would go to meetup.com and look for meetups for moms and homeschoolers and any other activity you like to do. It's free and you put in your zip code and find groups locally. Or go to church. Start meeting people and inviting them over or take the kids to the park with them. Then get the husbands and all of you together to see if you ALL can be friends. I did not take my divorce lightly nor would I suggest it lightly to anyone. You need to know yourself that you did everything possible to save your marriage. It will DEVASTATE your kids and frankly, it's not worth it just for that reason alone. Try to make it work and have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you are thinking of leaving. That alone should be motivation enough for him to do his part. If not, then you know where you stand and what your next step will be. Good luck!

Check out marriagemax.com. Mort Fertel is amazing. I myself am in crisis in my marriage and his website and emails have given me a bit of hope. I have a 10 year old and almost 3 year old. My husband I believe is profoundly depressed....I have begun counseling on my own and am hoping to learn some skills to be a positive role model for my kids.....and maybe even him....as far as death fantasies, that's a serious thing....and when my husband brought that up, I kind shut down. I felt so rejected and alone. It's a heavy burden.

Hang in there. You are not alone!

Hi, M.D.
You are getting your sexual needs met through nursing your 3 year old toddler. You are also getting your maternal needs met with home schooling and being Mom to your 9 year old.

You are neglecting your husband and putting your children first in your life, not him.

There is more to a marriage than the act of sex. There is conversation, holding hands, kissing, showering together, back rubs, and candle light meals.

You need to get an appointment book and schedule your husband time with you. You make it a point to make him the center of your attention, forget the children, get a babysitter if you can't make time for him alone.

You are getting your nurturing needs met but neglecting your husband's needs.

Good luck.
D.

Forgive me, because I am probably reading way too much into what you have written, BUT…..

If you have strong maternal feelings, why did you wait so long into your relationship to have children?

Did you always have a low sex drive, or did this diminish over time? Is it your actual sex drive that is low, or are you increasingly turned off by your husband?

Why DID you marry your husband? Did he seem like good marriage material (at the time) and tell you that he wanted the same family life that you both envisioned? Do you feel like he misrepresented himself as a family man now that you see that he is not a very involved father?

Are you prepared to give up your way of life as a stay-at home mom and home schooler if you two divorce? Alimony for a 14 year marriage won't last very long. Child support isn't forever.

I am asking you all of these questions, because I think you should take these issues to an individual therapist for yourself. I think you should figure out your expectations (both long term and short term) before you go back into marriage counseling. Marriage counseling won't cure your husband's depression.

I am a stay-at-home mom to my three children, and I filed for divorce from my husband about four months ago. My husband is a good man at his core, but he suffers from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and alcoholism. He didn't take up drinking until five years ago. Over the 10 years that we were married, he became increasingly emotionally abusive and controlling to me. Right now he is blaming me for every problem he has ever had.

Oh, and regarding the mismatched sex drives. My husband wanted it all the time. All the time. By the end, we settled for about once a week. I didn't enjoy it, because he wanted it at the most inopportune times (like when all three kids were hungry for lunch or 15 minutes before I had to pick up my daughter from school), and stopped being so "giving" to me. Now that he is gone, I realize that I DO have a healthy sex drive. I just didn't enjoy sex with him when he was so demanding and selfish all the time.

Gamma G always gives the worst case scenario regarding custody and financial issues of divorce. Most middle to upper class divorces are not that bad. I will most likely retain full physical custody of our children while hubby and I share joint legal custody. He will pay 32% of his salary for child support. The alimony payments, while currently in dispute, will most likely be enough for me to get back on my feet while I look for work.

I have been out of the work force for over 10 years. How long have you been out of work? Did you have a well-paying career before having kids? Finding a job that pays for the bills on top of childcare might be difficult for you. Something to think about before you pull the trigger on divorce.

If your husband makes a good living, you will probably be okay to stay home for a while. You might have to sell your house though.

Do you have an idea on how a divorce will affect your childen? My 8 year old daughter was devastated at first. She is still sad about things. My 5 year old son is actually happier now that his father moved out. My 3 year old son has no opinion on the matter whatsoever. I guess I'm saying that the younger your children are, the easier it might be on them.

In the meantime, here is a good exercise for you. Play house - single mom house, that is. Start doing all the things (other than bringing in the paycheck) that your husband normally does around the house and see what it is like to go it alone. I did just about everything around the house, and now that my husband moved out, my workload is so much lighter. Yes, I will have to get my butt back to work in a year or two, but divorced life is proving to be quite wonderful for me.

Best of luck to you. I hope you are able to sort things out.

Adding another book: HOW WE LOVE: DISCOVER YOUR LOVE STYLE, ENHANCE YOUR MARRIAGE by Milan Yerkovich
http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Love-Discover-Marriage/dp/14...

Hi! I am haunted by your post. I used to see life through your eyes (kids first, 24/7) but that doesn't help build a strong marriage. I didn't want to hear that I had to put my husband first. It seemed so alien to me. But I realized I was getting MY emotional needs met through my kids vs. having an adult relationship with my husband.

I weaned both my kids (now 14 and 9) when they were 3 years and 3 months. I know what a loving and devoted mother you are. YAY.

And YAY he loves you. He's not a jerk. He is a good guy. There is a lot of hope here. You do not have to accept a miserable marriage just to "stay married."

Don't quit yet!!!!

He is Your Husband. He is Your Family. Are you just going to abandon him? Leave him? Divorce him? Leave him To What? Depression? A lonely apartment to live with a cat. So he is FORCED to pay for TWO households. Is that right or fair to him? Would you abandon your kids because you were "unhappy"? No, of course not. So I think you need to stand and FIGHT for your marriage. That means you need to change here. Yes, he does too. But perhaps part of the depression is due to the fact that you don't pay any attention to him.

MORE CONS OF DIVORCE
Let's say you win the lottery tomorrow and never have to worry about money again. OK great. There is a HUGE issue you can't control: Who he marries or hooks up with. And how the kids are going to experience this for the next 10-15+ years.

- What if his new girlfriend/wife has extra kids and thus, he ABANDONS his own
- what is his new girlfriend/wife HATES and mistreats your kids (What? You don't think that will happen? What type of women do depressed men attract? Ummm, probably not anyone mentally healthy. I'm not describing you! I'm worried about Wife # 2. If he can't see himself straight now, what makes you think he will see straight when choosing the next relationship?)
- what if your kids spend have the time there, get exposed to heaven knows what
- and on and on. Don't believe me? Visit divorce boards or threads.

- They are little now. They are easier to manage because they depend on you so much. Believe it or not, as they approach adolescence and start thinking for themselves, you will NEED the emotional support of their father and he must be accessible to them 24/7. He can't be if he is living in another city or worse - another state.
- Yeah... what if he moves. How do you feel about sending your kids away for the summer, every summer? Or on planes to visit dad? Or having to split birthdays and holidays? HOW WILL THIS AFFECT THEM?????? Are any of these things acceptable to you? Not me. If I had to divorce (any my ex- wasn't, pardon me, a dirtbag who was dangerous to either them or me) then I'd make sure we were in the same zip code. CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS. The baby stage they need mama a lot. As they grow up, they are going to need their wonderful, amazing dad as well. (As you are his equal, yet different, wonderful and amazing mother.)

When you divorce him, you lose a LOT of control over their environment. You are handing YOUR KIDS over to I don't know what.

So great, you have a million dollars and zero money worries. Yet your troubles have only begun. This is not something I'm willing to gamble on. Too much to lose.

Oh and BTW, if he never married and lived alone with a cat for the rest of his life, that is NOT acceptable to ME. I don't want my husband thrown away. He matters so much to me.

SEX DRIVES
I get it. I'm a 1x a week person and could probably be fine 1x a month! But my beloved is not like that. Men are very different.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy...

I started to say yes to his advances any time (instead of rejecting him ALL the time) and when I did, he changed. (I have a tendency to be "too busy" and absorbed with my own life - he was feeling very alone and rejected.)

He used to be GRUMPY and angry all the time. He was cranky and sharp with me. Now he's so happy, he's like Gene Kelly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmCpOKtN8ME

He's got a spring in his step. He's smiling all the time. He's telling jokes (he was always friendly and happy with the kids, but not me). He's agreeable to my ideas. W-O-W

FEELING TRAPPED
There are voices in your head telling you "leave, everything will be better." I get it. But that's not really true, because you are trading one set of problems for another. I think it would best to realize YOU ARE NOT trapped. Yes, it's miserable right now. But there is hope. Things just need to be identified and changed. Quit the fantasizing about leaving. Leaving is destructive. You can't see that now. Instead brain storm about what can help. Read marriage books that offer insight and game plans.

These are Christian marriage workshops. Watch the videos & testimonials.
http://newlife.com/newlifemarriageweekend

http://www.familylife.com/radio/#.Uymuldy6Sf0

Secular Book: Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Make Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis
http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Busting-Step---Step-Approac...

Christian Books & Resources
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_...

Christian churches in your area might have Marriage workshops. I would try that as well. I love classes. You'd learn you are not alone and you'd learn about resources and tips.

I have a friend who goes to her therapist's women's group weekly and has done so for years. She's learned so much and she had to change what did a bit to make things work. Marriages go up and down, but it's not hopeless. It's not all him. You need to tweak some things as well.

Both of you can be happy again with each other. And wouldn't it be better if ALL of you were happy together? I know my kids (14 and 9) would be heartbroken if we divorced. My son (14) one has a lot of friends who have 2 households to go to (so inconvenient for them). He sees the differences.

Sometimes this passes. True, the chances of it passing are better if you both are working on it (therapy, meds, etc.) But even without extra steps, sometimes it passes. The kids get older, more self-sufficient. You rediscover your body. A change in job boosts self-esteem.

My husband and I fought ALL the time and he refused to support me, emotionally,physically, or financially in even the most basic ways beyond paying for housing & utilities (even then, he paid bills late so we had bad credit). I knew I had to divorce him when I was in the second trimester and the idea of bringing a newborn home seemed incredibly risky. My older daughter was already becoming afraid of him.

Divorce improved both our lives. He became a better person (less angry, more responsible) and I think I did, too (more independent, less fearful).

But, if I'd just felt numb. I would have stayed --at least until the kids were in high school. There are new anti-depressants developed all the time. One might work for him. You'll wean eventually and your hormones may shift. Even if you don't become a Lioness, you may find that the earth doesn't need to move every single time for sex to be a wonderful time to spend with someone you love.

Kids grow up, then leave and sometimes couples who were numb to each other, discover not the person they fell in love with years before, but the person their spouse became during the boring, stressful years.

You are not ready to leave your husband. Have you done everything you could to keep it together. I was feeling somewhat strong feelings about leaving my husband. I sat him down and talked. Neither of us wanted a divorce or for our child to live through this. We spoke with a couple that was doing counseling at our church. I am falling in love with this man again, in one week. The book "Love and respect" Men need respect and women need love. Neither know how to do this! But you can learn how to respect him. Its that or get a job, no homeschooling anymore. Working, taking care of kids alone, cleaning, dealing with all your and your kids emotions of breaking up a family. It affects kids forever. My stepdaughter still has affects from it. It almost sounds like you didn't take your vows seriously. No offense meant but you may look at that.
Also, I went through a period a few years back where I was depressed wanting to die but no real reasons to feel this way. My sister reminded me of the affects of aspartame. I drank diet cokes everyday. When I googled the affects of aspartame, every symptom I was having was on the list. Tingling limbs, depression and more. It is a whole page of symptoms. Please google it. Some people put aspartame in coffee etc. (The pink sugar) Now I don't have depression or tingling anymore. I stay away from that stuff.

Hey Mama, Anyone who has been married for a while knows that the feelings you have are normal. Hang in there and work on you. See what you can do to increase your love and attraction for him. The best gift you could give your kids is to fall in love with their dad worts wrinkles and all. Empower yourself to make changes. Chose to intentionally feed your mind with thoughts of love and affection. Start being his girlfriend and have fun with engaging the sexual side of yourself. Send sexy texts, watch a hot movie..... Insist that he gets ongoing help for his depression. Keep beating
that drum. Here is a grass is not greener story: My sister's husband left
her when her when her kids were 10 and 12. She went from being a stay-
at-home mom to working full-time and going to nursing school. She really
struggles with the stress of being a single mom. She cries on weekends
the kids go to their fathers. She now has to deal with his "new girlfriend"
and has let go of a lot of choices in terms of her kids.

My goodness, I cannot believe all the women advising to hold on to your unhappiness. I am a single mother, I chose not to be with my daughters father even though he wanted to get married when we found out she was coming. We were not completely compatible, and a I knew the strains in our relationship would negatively affect her if she lived surrounded by us as a team everyday. If you are not happy or satisfied, then no form of counseling is going to force that. It sounds like you take a lot of stress on yourself by your husbands need for you and that it is a burden. I could be wrong, and I'm not telling you to get a divorce, but it sounds like you may have already made the decision about what will make you happiest. If your libido is not on the same level as his, then it could be that you just aren't excited by him because the attachment he has for you turns you off. There may be another man out there that would get your juices flowing or you may just not be a sexual person. If you do choose to leave him, just know that your world will change. Being a single parent is difficult, but you need to think about what's best for you at the end of the day, because your mental well-being WILL affect your children. Good luck, I can't imagine you are having an easy time with things if you are even thinking about a separation.