How to Know If My Husband Is Gay?

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It could be a number of things that is causing this problem. Foremost though, the first thing I would do is have him checked by a doctor to rule out any medical issues. Maybe he's depressed? I know that depression can be a killer to the libido. Also, to me, he sounds more asexual than gay. Asexuals tend to have low libidos and no or little interest in sex or affection. If he was gay, you would see signs of him being attracted to other men which by your post, doesn't seem to be the case.

T.,

Welcome to mamapedia!! This is an interesting first question.

What would I do? I would go to the doctor and have my husband checked out for low testosterone and rule out any medical conditions.

then I would tell him we are going to counseling. It sounds like there isn't a lot of communication in your marriage. And hasn't been from the beginning. What drew you two together? What has made you stay?

I don't understand how gardening makes your husband gay. that doesn't compute for me. Gardening is a stress relief for many people. It could be for him as well.

So instead of slamming him with your anger? try asking opened ended questions that lead to communication. Don't accuse him. Tell him what you need and expect....ask him what he needs from you.

Good luck!

Have his testosterone levels checked.

:Your husband went to his garden, my husband went and watched boxing, another husband went to the bar. People's lives move on in spite of getting married. I was absolutely shocked when my husband had to move our honeymoon hotel to one where they had boxing-twice! Yikes, who had I married? Well, I've now watched almost nineteen years of boxing with him!
Anyway, sex in most marriages also isn't twenty four hours a day, just like gardening and boxing and bars. It is a wonderful part of life. If he isn't as huggy kissy as you want, perhaps touch him in other ways. Or maybe take part in his love for gardening. Participation in something guys like is an important way to bond. So I've been told. I also have two sons. That's why a guy marries the girl who goes fishing with him. She makes him happy. And oftentimes he wants to make her happy, too.
I want to add something else here, it is a wonderful idea to have his testosterone levels checked, however, He has to want to do it. My husband, and I couldn't have children together (I did from a previous marriage, but always wished to have more) but there is one thing I could never do and that was to get him to get checked. Men oftentimes feel demasculated emotionally if we push them to do something they want to feel they are 'responsible' for-which we know is not the case. It is just something that happens.

He told you before you married him that he had a low sex drive. He was honest.

Even if he was gay he'd still want sex all the time. Even if he was gay he'd have desire and crave intimacy too.

So he needs to go to the doc and get a work up and see if there is any medication he can take to fix this issue. I truly think that's the place to start.

Here's another thought too. Just because he's not into intimacy doesn't mean you can't take care of the problem on your own. There are......marital aids out there that could help you have the release your body needs.

School must be off on Wednesday! Awesome, congrats for the day off.

And welcome to mamapedia!

Only he can tell you if he's gay - no one else (even you) gets to decide.

AWESOME first question. Just terrific! :)

I don't see anything in your post that says he is gay.. sounds like he is cranky..in men cranky can mean depressed.

maybe you can convince him to get counseling.. if not maybe you can get counseling to see if you want to live your life like this.

you can stay together for the kids.. or maybe the kids would be better off without him.

He doesn't sound gay.
He sounds like he has Asperger' tendencies and is in love with his flowers.

And like a young, naive girl does, she disregards the red flags.

Personally, I would have had the marriage annulled after the JP wedding where he came home and went to the garden rather than make wild, passionate love to me. That was a HUGE sign, on day one.

There's no magic answers now honey. Sorry. Stay in loveless marriage, or find a lover (bad idea) or leave, another not so good solution.

This sounds like you are unhappy, and I would suggest asking him to enter into counseling with you. Has he ever discussed his low sex drive with his doctor? There are many medical issues that can cause low sex drive. Also, gay and straight are not the only things one can be, there are those who in fact simply have no sexual desire at all, and never will. It is a small portion of people (like 1%) but they do exist for sure.

The problem here is that you entered into this marriage knowing up front that he had a low sex drive and that sex was not important to him. Now, you want him to change and feel unloved when he is simply behaving exactly the way he told you he would. In the end you have to decide how important a sexual relationship is to you, and accept that you may not be able to have that kind of relationship with this man.

But, being uninteresting in sex does not mean he is gay, or that he finds you unattractive. There are many other reasons it could be.

Have you tried asking him if he's gay?

- Some men have lower sex drives normally (or via trauma)
- Some men have lower sex drives due to physiological (usually treatable!) conditions.

On the flip side... I actually know several "mixed orientation marriages"... Where both spouses went into the marriage knowing the other spouse is gay. (Different from bisexual, as there generally aren't problems in sex with bisexual folk).

All the people I know personally are either Catholic or LDS.

One, of course, hears of loads of people using marriage to the opposite sex & family as a "beard" (way to stay in the closet). I've only known OF people doing this. So I have no idea about their sex lives.

Of the people I know in mixed orientation marriages (up front / aboveboard), each and every single couple has a relatively "normal" (1-3x per week, on average) sex life. It was something they talked about ahead of time, and it was/is something they devote energy & care in their marriages.

If you're concerned that your husband may be gay/in the closet... I would suggest you first research 'mixed orientation marriages'.

Then talk to your husband.

If he says he isn't (he may be or may not be)... I would suggest counseling and a trip to the doctor.

I don't think your husband is gay. You know it is normal for a certain percentage of men to just have a lower sex drive. Their testosterone is low or they are stressed or work too hard or maybe even are depressed. If he is cranky and mean that sounds to me like he might be depressed and unhappy about his life.

I have always had a low intimacy (s) drive. I envy girls who don't.