Seeing someone's else's question about sexual frequency gave me the courage to ask this question...
I have been married for four and a half years. I'm 30, my husband is 37. When we first got married, I realized that he is not that interested in sex. But I guess he wanted a baby as much as me, so he was willing to try (always early morning- me doing most of the work.) We now have a seven month old son, and we haven't had sex since the week he was conceived.
We have had several BIG TALKS about this that get nowhere, although not recently. He had a prescription for viagra, but it didn't help, because the problem was not just performance, but lack of desire. He doesn't even want to fool around in other ways. One time he went to the doctor and found out he had somewhat low testosterone, but he flipped out when I suggested hormone replacement therapy- he's convinced that will harm his health. He was very overweight and when he lost weight that helped some- that is probably how we got our baby- but like I said, after I got pregnant, it was back to nothing.
I do want to have another talk about it, but I also would like some insight into what to say or do. Honestly, I am pretty much too humiliated to talk about it anymore. I was so desperately horny when I was pregnant, I felt frustrated for nine months. Now that I have a baby I'm not as frustrated, but not only am I dreading a life without intimacy, I'm not even sure how we'll ever have a second child. I would never leave my husband over this, but short of that, does anyone have advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? He would never be willing to see a therapist, either. I assume it's a medical problem- does anyone know of any success stories in that area I could tell him about? I don't even know how to bring this up- it's such a sore subject for us.
You shouldn't stay with him. Sounds harsh, but sex is too important a part of a loving lasting relationship. Get out while you are young!
The advice I have...
Don't let your life become what mine has...
I have 3 beautiful children ( one from a prior relationship) and Granted I would not trade any of them for the world.
Women are not meant to live for their children alone...and intimacy is MORE than just sex...our sex life is pathetic....seriously once a month or less and that is only because I do pursue it...and that is all it is, is sex...me on top....doing all the work...never a kiss ever....no affection.
The one thing that other moms have pointed out to me is how would i feel if say my daughter were to come to me and have this issue...what would i want for her? I would Want her to be happy...and no one can be happy in a sexless marriage.
I have stayed for over 11 years...it has never got better...I am 37 and all I can think of is...I do not want to be any older and not know what it feels like for someone to love me.
This is not a way to live...and it will only get worse...what will happen ( with me as an example) is you will lose all of your self worth...I know I do not feel attractive...and that is because having someone reject you over and over hurts.
If he won't get some help, my advice is leave...don't stay as long as I have, because I feel like all I have done is thrown precious years away...and I hate to think that because I thought I was doing the right thing that I have somehow made my children think this was how Normal relationships are supposed to be.
I have to admit it is nice to know I am not the only one...the only examples I have had pretty much are women who want their husbands to leave them alone in the bedroom, and I always think to myself if only they knew how lucky they were!
I am sorry you seem to be in the same boat as me...I wish I had better advice.
That's terrible - sex is a very key part of marriage. We have 3 kids including a 3 month old. We have never gone more than max 2 weeks without sex, usually much more frequently (except for the 6 weeks after childbirth).
I think your husband is in the closet probably. It is not unheard of. You should not spend your life like this. It should not be something taboo. You have to talk about this - it is not normal not to have sex for a year. Get someone to help you guys out pronto!!
Has he seen a doctor lately to rule out medical problems (besides testosterone)? For instance, has he had his thyroid levels checked? You mentioned he is heavy, and weight gain and low testosterone levels (along with dry skin, hair loss, lack of energy, and depression) are all symptoms of hypothyroid in men. If that is his problem, then one tiny pill every day fixes it. It's worth checking into. I was recently diagnosed with low thyroid, and I noticed that I had no libido myself for months leading up to the diagnosis. Now that I'm on thyroid meds, if am feeling MUCH better and DH is happy. ;)
I hate to say this but maybe you need to be sneaky. I don't know a lot about this stuff but surely there is a herbal remedy. Make him milkshakes! :)
Another idea is perhaps you seeing a therapist. Someone who can maybe help you with techniques that may drive his low libido to actually want sex.
It really sounds like the hormone replacement will work, it is a shame he won't try.
This could be a medical problem, but your husband has shown that one type of medical treatment didn't work and he has refused to try another.
This could be a psychological problem, but your husband refuses to see a therapist.
Or, he could be gay.
A person will not/can not change unless they agree that there is an issue and seek help. Your husband is not doing that, so either he doesn't see this as an issue, or does, but refuses to get help.
Are you willing to spend your entire life without sex? If not, why would you not leave him?
I know you say you would never leave the marriage over this issue that only your husband controls... but, why? If you've been unsatisfied and unhappy for so long, chances are he's been too. It sounds like you two were meant to be good friends, not married -but it can't be considered a mistake because it brought you both your wonderful child. It could, however, be the biggest mistake of both your lives if you continue in the marriage. Don't doubt your son senses the unhappiness. I would give your husband one more sincere chance at finding appropriate help - and let him know it's a must for the marriage to continue. If he won't - or doesn't follow through completely, you have your answer.
Oh how my heart aches for you. It is such a wonderful feeling to have my husband desire me and cherish me. I can't even imagine how it would feel to have him reject me in that way and what that does to your self image and self worth.
Just remind yourself that the problem lies with him whether it is a hormone imbalance, his own issues with his body or the sex act itself. The only ladies I know that have dealt with this problem eventually found out their husbands were gay and struggled for years with same sex attraction yet were raised not to act upon those feelings so they got married and pretended. The pretending eventually crumbled and with it the marriages crumbled and hearts were broken and children raised in broken homes.
I don't know if this is what your husband is doing but I am just throwing out this angle. You don't hear very often of a man not desiring sex...it really tends to be the other way around. I also don't believe one should have sex only when they feel like doing it...you should do it because it is needed for bonding, stress relief, fun, self fulfillment and fulfillment because it brings your partner joy etc. If both are physically able but denying then you just turn into really good roommates raising a child together. Sooo sad.
Good luck and best wishes. Sex is a very important part of marriage...not just the sex that the tv and magazines portray but the sex that binds two together in a way no other act can.
If he won't seek help for himself from the dr. or a therapist then I suggest you get some help. You need a professional to help you sort through your feelings and how to understand him.
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I don't have any advise for you, but I do want to say thank you for posting this. My S.O. and I had sex maybe once a month before I got pregnant. We haven't had sex since the day I conceived and that was two years ago. When we did have sex, I was doing all the work. I am so tired of being rejected. I'm kinda at the point where I understand why people have affairs. I need more than he can give me.
He's in his late 30s. There are a lot of guys out there that just aren't into intimacy when they mature. It's really no big deal. It may not even have anything to do with how you look or anything dealing with hormones or sexual disfunction. It could be something as simple as being tired, a tooth problem, (If he has any kind of pain, he's not going to be interested.) sore muscles, stress, depression, anxiety, or any other physical health problem. You just don't feel like it if you don't feel well. High cholesterol can make you sleepy as can stress. You're better off not talking about it to him or he might feel even worse or get defensive, which will really turn things off instead of turning them on. The most important thing is love, which is all together different than s-e-x. The best thing you can do to get the interest back up is to be loving and romantic. (Difference between romantic and sexy is that romantic is just a hint and more loving....Sexy is more playful.) Plan a date with your hubby...Have a candle light dinner with him...rub his back...hug him from behind for no reason at all...fix your hair, but don't go over board....Just do it all without any expectation, because he will come around when you least expect it which will make it GREAT!
Hugs, I'm so sorry. If he sees his doctor, he could be tested for things like hormonal imbalance. If that turns out to be the case, he could take hormones for that. Are you in love with him and is he in love with you? From a BTDT, if no action is taken, it won't get better and if I could do it over, I'd get out at your stage of things. Seriously. Dont' spend decades without getting any. It affects you in so many ways.
It could be a medical problem, but I bet it is more of a psychological problem then anything. The fact that he is so against therapy, or doing anything about it speaks for itself. He is either extremely depressed, or has a problem letting go and being with you sexually. If he doesn't change , I would let him know that you can't be in a marriage where their is no love, or showing of it. How is that setting a good example for your child? I realize you love your husband, but, soon, I feel that it will soon turn into resentment and heartache. It will effect your child in many ways.
You are a young, vibrant person. No one deserves to live a life void of intimacy, and passion.
A friend went through this, turns out he was gay. They dated a long time, things were normal at first but then started to change until they were just like you are now.
It really did a number on her self esteem.
Whatever it is, its him it's NOT you.
Also it is not normal
