Innappropriate Behavior at School

The good news is most all 5-6 yr old boys go through this "butt" thing. I am guessing she didn't tell you that. My sons teacher didn't bother either and I was frantic thinking something wierd was happening with my son. We had the "private part, including butt" conversation. We had the no one touches conversation and the do not keep secrets from mommy conversation. We had the time and place to say things conversation. Basically we covered all the basis and it all came down to people laugh and its funny because boys are just like that. The good news is it does simmer down.
Wish some one would of talked to me, so I didnt overreact to this mild thing that most boys go through.
T.

I'm really curious as to what the other children are doing, and if the teacher's been really watching the whole situaion unfold (as opposed to just seeing the one action, and to the teacher's credit it can be very hard to see the whole situation-I'm not trying to say the teacher is bad or doesn't take care of the students.) then she'll know. Are the other kids getting upset, or is it a joke for all of them? Maybe he's doing this because he gets such a big reaction. I don't know if they're taking that into account. If he's an average student, then he's not getting praise for perfect grades, nor is he getting more time spent on him because he needs help. He sounds to me like he's much more likely to be a class clown in the future, so I wouldn't listen to those who say this is leading to groping women/girls, etc. He's not thinking with THAT "brain" yet! He's a child! And no matter how grown up we want to make our little boys, whether it's trying to teach them to aim into the toilet or quit talking about butts or farting, the truth is that they are still children (and my dad was the first one to talk about farting with my son, and he was in his mid 50s at the time so take what you want from that). The fact that this has only been the past month makes me wonder even more what's really going on? Maybe over Christmas break he really enjoyed being with you and now he's a little sad about leaving you at home? Maybe a student moved (left or joined the class) during break and he's adjusting to that. Maybe they got back from break and another kid did it and everyone laughed so he's picked it up, trying to get the same reaction. Or, like someone else mentioned, maybe it's just something he's doing right now that is funny to him. And the truth is that we can tell a child not to do something and that it's bad, but if they don't understand why, they're very likely to do it again. He's not thinking "someone might interpret this as molestation and I don't want to offend anyone in that manner." Again, he's just a child. Those are concepts he won't understand. And even teaching him about personal space can help (we had to go over this with my son when he started acting up when his sister was born), but if he finds it all funny, he's not likely to never do it again. Just a thought--when did you get engaged? That could have an effect on his behavior if that was a Christmas thing--it could really be that he needs a "mommy and me" date. I did that with my son after Lil was born and explained to him that I still loved him more than anything in the world, but that I also love his sister that way too. I just asked a few questions and he told me, crying, that he missed me. It broke my heart. He wasn't quite 3, but it really affected him, even though he had 8 months to prepare. Maybe there's something like this going on, something that makes him want this attention. Or again, maybe he just wants attention (most people do like attention), or he's just being a little boy. The date could be a sports game, a meal, a miniture golf place, etc...just some time to focus on him. I'd try that before taking him to a counselor. I'd also request a meeting with the teacher and principle to find out how the other kids react to him or any other differences in his school life that may have taken place this month. Good luck!

I am a homeschooler also and I agree that little boys will be little boys. I have a 5 year old son myself and anything that can be considered "potty humor" is soooooooo hysterical to him. I know it's been a bad month for you and for him, but this too shall pass. Don't worry too much. Keep addressing the situation, discussing why it is wrong to be in someone's personal space and just plain old keeping your hands to yourself. In addition to homeschooling I teach 5 to 7 year olds in a co-op and keeping hands to themselves is by far the hardest thing for them to do. Your little boy is getting a rise out of the kids, most likely, and that's probably great fun for him. You aren't a bad mother or setting a bad example because he's going through a phase like this. He's just a little boy testing limits and seeing what gets the most reaction from his peers. Some schools are so paranoid about everything that they try to make things worse than they are. Try not to let him see that it shakes you up. all the more reason for him to continue in his little mind. You will honestly look back on this and laugh when he's older. Next month it will be another concern. Good luck with your little man. He'll grow up all too quickly and have much bigger concerns to keep you up at night!

i had to shake my head at the poster who suggested that homeschooling is a good answer to keep kids away from little boys like yours. as a long time homeschooler i can assure you that homeschooled boys are still boys, often naughty, and your son sounds like he's going through a pretty typical boy phase. i agree with the folks who suggest that you do not threaten with things you aren't going to follow through on, and while i'm a homeschool advocate i don't think you should EVER do it as punishment. he absolutely needs to learn to keep his hands to himself and not touch other kids in inappropriate places, but please do understand that this is a learning process, not something you just tell him and he gets it. he's only five, and he's figuring out the world. what does the school do to discipline him? you can't be there every day and they really need some useful coping techniques, not just hollering to you that they can't deal with this. five year olds poke, and wiggle, and whisper, and shriek, and have a hard time sitting still. this isn't *wrong*, it's perfectly natural, and teaching kids how to deal with these reactions should part of what's exciting and fun about teaching, not what's wrong with kids and needs to be fixed.
please don't feel guilty about this, as if you're a bad mom (and for that matter as if you shouldn't hug your fiance in front of your kids. visible displays of affection are NOT harmful to children and will not turn your little boy into an abuser.) talk to him seriously, reward good days, think of a thoughtful (as opposed to merely punitive) reaction for when he misbehaves, and know that he is working it out as best he can and help him and love him.
khairete
S.

Sounds like a normal 5yr old acting in a manner that he probably knows isn't good for school, but loves the attention from misbehaving. My 3 1/2 yr old started something like a pre-k program back in Oct and the things he would say at home!!! Butt, booty, etc seemed to be the center of his vocab for a while. And yes, he thought the words were funny too. I told him that icky talk was not good and the way he was talking was icky. If he talked like that at home, he got put in time out, no warnings either. He got told that was icky talk and go to time out. After about a week of that, it got better.

Now my daughter went to Headstart and they used to put kids in time out. Do they do that at your son's?? Are they using it or what else are they doing besides sending notes home to you about his behavior?? They need to be giving him a punishment at school when he does this and you might even want to follow up at home with a punishment as well on the days he acts up on school. I know a lot of people say you shouldn't double punish, but I want my kids to take their behavior seriously when they are not with me and that means behave better at school/friends house/daycare then at home!!

Good luck
S.

First, his fascination with butts is age appropriate and may stay around for awhile. Sorry. The topic is taboo and that makes it irresistible. You may try talking about the topic not to correct him so much as to make it an acceptable subject. If you can talk about it so much and so calmly without emotion he may get bored with it. Of course, he can't be touching other people, especially at school, so he will need to have limits set.

As far as the other concerns the school has...he's a five year old. He has a five year old attention span. I assure you he is not the only child engaging in the same behaviors. Today's school curriculum requires teachers (even in preschool) to keep young kids engaged in academic activities for longer periods than many can naturally accommodate. Any child that gets fidgety gets labeled a problem and the parent gets called in to "fix" him. I recommend you reject the idea of him as a problem. Ask the school what they are doing to keep him interested and engaged. How often is he being given a break to use his imagination and be creative? The problem is at school, not home, require that the school take actions.

By the way, I am a therapist that works with children 3-12.

the child is only doing this at school, right? so, the problem must lay
with something at school or someone at school. bottom line is, that somebody at school is encouraging this. but seriously, kids are fascinated by bathroom jokes and behavior, especially little boys and the cruder, the better , but he will grow out of it, i promise
K. h.

Sounds like typical 5 yo boy behavior to me....nothing more hilarious than butts, gas, and OUR newly added : armpit farting.
You need to sit him down daily before school and tell him that a rule at school is "keep your hands to yourself." Tell him that everyday. Keep in contact with the teacher and continue to observe him at school. Make him a chart and for every day that he keeps his hands to himself, give him a sticker, when he gets 5 stickers, get him a small reward from the dollar store or something. Then start a new chart. Good luck!

I think you are asking what should you do about this. First of all, I want to recommend to everyone never threaten that which you cannot keep. Are you really going to keep him out of school forever? Because that is not possible. Nowadays everyone is worried about things like this. Sometimes it seems to me that they make such a big deal out of these things that normal goofy behavior becomes way blown up and scares the heck out of the parents. You can take away something from him that is possible if he continues it, such as a favorite toy, game or activity. And sitting in school is most likely like when I get reviewed and I am on my best behavior while my boss is looking. It sounds right that you wouldnt see anything. Do they have any school counselors right there on the premises? He might just have to understand how truly inappropriate this is because other people do not like it. And use some of examples of things he doesnt like. It might need to be stressed that he should ask permission to touch anyone and that clearly the butt is off limits. Although unfortunately my husband has slapped mine on many occasion, so sometimes it is okay,just letting him know not unless it is okay. And actually my children aren't butt slappers and I do not think he did it in front of them. Anyway, if you clearly set up these rules and use other examples of things he might not like done to him (oky, what-perhaps like getting bitten out of the clear blue) he might get the picture. He is only a little boy. Do not let this become a nightmare. He is finding this just as funny as kids do talking about buggers and stinky armpits and a hole host of other things like saying the word 'fart' a million times. Take a deep breath and talk to him without condemning him. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

At that age the word butt is always funny.. It's just a phase.. As for the touching I would just keep reminding him that it is not appropriate to touch another person's bottom just his own.. (watch at home & make sure you & your finance don't touch each otehr's bottom in front of him because that just send another message about touching) until he understands the difference for you too & him at school.. I have worked in childcare for over 24yrs so definately don't feel bad & don't be too quick to yell at him because it could be another child anticipating it the teacher isn't seeing (5yr olds are pretty clever) plus I would definately do a secret watch not only for your son but the teacher as well.. (maybe it's not as bad as she is making it out o be).. good luck

Hi. Well first I would not take him outof school. He needs to learn and if he really likes it, thats a good thing. Don't punish him by taking away school. Second, is it possible that something inappropriate has happened to him? Or maybe he saw something and is acting out what he saw? I know we all try to keep our kids from seeing "bad" things but it gets harder and harder b/c even commercials can be sexually explicit nowadays. Have you asked him why he touches other people or talked to him about right vs. wrong touching? Good Luck.

It seems you ought to talk to his teacher and/or the principal on how to manage his behavior in a positive way at schoolsince that is where the behavior is primarily situated. Definitely have a discussion with him about good touch vs. bad touch. If you feel the school is not managing his behavior appropriately and/or he is not making good progress with this, you might need to bring in a child psychologist observe him at school or consider switching school programs that might be more suitable for managing children's behavior in a positive and nurturing manner.

It is quite normal at this age for boys to be facinated with body parts. "Butt" is hysterical to everyone in Kindergarten...spend a day with them and you'll hear it slip out several times to get a laugh when they think the teacher is not looking. Explain to your son that though everyone finds the WORD funny it is not acceptable to touch other people or allow anyone to touch his. Unlike what JCW said Do not over react this does not mean your son is being molested or that he is going to be some pervert in the future. He needs to learn his boundries and to respect personal space. Also think if he watches sports alot, a slap on the butt is frequently seen there so it may be an influence. Good luck.

Your thought about taking him to a counselor is a good one. It probably would not have to continue long to get to the root of it. While many young children have fun with the word "butt" and fascination with words about bodily functions children also mimic what they have been exposed to. Not to be an alarmist, but perhaps your son's own butt was touched by an adult and he is reenacting the behavior to test whether because he senses it was questionable. On the other hand, he may be aware that rubbing up against someone feels good, and although it is inappropriate, he is just now learning that boundary. Good luck. You are way ahead having checked into it as much as you have already. Good work.

Hi L.,
I was laughing a little, I admit, reading your post: my 4 year old just started pre-school, and suddenly "fart" is the funniest word on the planet! (and it's not like he never heard the word at home - ha, ha!)

However, we've also told our son that getting in trouble at school has consequences at home, too. For us, if you're naughty enough to get time out at home: no dessert that day. Well, for the first time, our son got into trouble enough for time-out at school. He got no dessert that night, and he understood why.

Once a child sees parents supporting the teacher, they catch on pretty quick. If the teacher says no butt-touching, and he keeps on, like it's a joke, then there should be consequences at home.

Oh - and just as a side comment - I suggest you never take away (or threaten to take away) school as punishment. School is a "responsibility" a JOB. Even when thing are bad, children have to learn to face and deal with obstacles. Even if school is a treat for him now.

Good luck!
t