Boy 6 and Girl Issues at School/neighborhood

Would you be open to working with a counselor that specializes in children? It seems like a few sessions - for parents and child or even just for you - could give you the insight and plan for moving forward that you need.

Best of luck and don't be embarrassed - this could happen to anyone with children!

PS: I don't think the neighbors who emailed are bad people - they might just have been uncomfortable having a personal conversation - it's can be hard to point out issues with someone else's child face to face and email allows thoughtful rewriting.

I agree with the advice to get a counselor involved. Even if you can only do a couple or few sessions, the insight on how to handle these situations and what may be causing them will probably be very helpful. Good luck.

Yes, you need help. Speak w/ the school psycologist. Read Dobson, and Leman books. Get this nippe din the bud, now! Stronger discipline until until the behavior (and thought patterns) change. You are right in trying to get him to understand himself and the "why" part of what he does. Lay down the boundaries and stick to it. Praise for no offenses (rewards) and punishment for each offense. How does your husband treat you? Is he acting out from home? Pray! xo

I have not had this happen but I know people that have. I was talking to a camp counselor last year and he told me they had a boy that thought it was perfectly okay to go up to a woman and grab her. He told me they sat him down and told him it was inappropriate behavior. Every time he did something similar, they sat him down. There was no "don't do that" or anything like that first. When he does grab or touch, you should tell him that it is wrong and why. Then he should be removed from the situation for a little while. I know this can be hard with school but it might work. The attn could be encouraging him. You don't say if he did anythig like this before. If he does not do as he is told, you may have to walk him through it for a week or so making sure he does as asked.I have had to do this with my kids. If he does the little annoyances just to do it, if he is told and won't stop, remove him from the area. Do you take away privileges and also reward good behavior? This might work. You could try making a chart. Give him a star for days he behaves. For so many stars he could get some kind of treat. The treat could just be a day at the park with just you or dad.
If different things do not work, I would talk to his doctor about his behavior. I know people tend to jump on food allergies and ADHD all the time but sometimes the ideas are legit and should be considered.
Don't think of this as a sad day. This is another challenge for you to face as a parent.

I haven't read the other responses, but this behavior could mean something else. It may not be a respect issue. Sometimes boys have difficulty communicating their feelings and have trouble conversing. Often parents mistake misbehavior as disrepect or defiance when, in fact, the behavior is trying to communicate something to you. The hard part is figuring out what the boy is trying to communicate. School might be more difficult than you realize or the social aspect of it might be difficult. Don't let the teachers or school bully you into thinking it is a discipline issue--he is trying to tell you that he is not happy about something and is trying to get someone's attention. Give him alot of love and make him feel safe. Ask him what he likes best about his classroom and what he doesn't like or hates about his classroom. Who is his best friend at school? (Maybe he doesn't have one.)

Parents emailiing you to tell you about this rather than discussing this issue to help you out are shameful and not caring people. Do not be embarassed. Your son is the one you care about not these other parents!!!

So sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, this will not be the only time in your life that you will be humbled! Children go through good and ugly phases, in their lives. I hope this season passes quickly for you. But it needs your complete and united support from both you and dad, to nip this swiftly! Don't worry about justifying it with the other parents. They just want to know that it is being addressed. YOU are not a bad mother!!!!

He has learned this behavior somewhere, he has seen it somewhere. Is he playing with older children? Watching age-appropriate TV? How is his speech? I personally would make sure that you talk to him about "others touching him" and what's not appropriate. Make sure you are letting him know that, should ANYONE ever touch him in his private area (anything covered by a bathing suit - boy or girl) he needs to tell you. Also tell him that ANY TOUCH that makes him uncomfortable, he can tell that person, firmly "DON'T TOUCH!"

He needs specific guidance. He needs to know exactly what is acceptable and what is not. This is not just a boy-girl thing. Touching anyone, in any manner in school is inappropriate. Some of this behavior is age related. (possible hugging and kissing). Spitting and touching someone's private area (i.e. butt) is never unacceptable. Sitting him down when the situation is not enflamed, in private, is best. Having a united front with Dad is necessary. Letting him know that there will be consequences to his action (you do not need to spell out these consequences - just yet.) If he's pushing the boundaries and getting away with it, strengthen the boundaries and find a better way to end his negative behavior. He may be getting away with it because he can. Be consistent. Yes, it can get tiring! He may be seeking attention and negative attention is still filling his need for attention (i.e. bothering his brother, inappropriate touching, etc...) You need to find his "achilles heel" (i.e. specific appropriate punishment for your son - the one that makes him squirm.) It sounds like time-outs don't phase him. For example, my children hated writing assignments - "I'm sorry" letters, they hated apologies to parents face-to-face, etc... Make this child accountable. It's not a matter of him "showing respect" for girls -it's what is acceptable behavior for all people. Period. Positive reinforcement when his behavior begins to change is important. He may at some point recognize that he likes positive attention better.

If you continue to see this behavioral problem, please seek a professional. A counselor or your pediatrician will work with you to address these concerns.

Good luck.

J.
You may also try setting him up for success. Modeling the behavior you would like to see only allowing certain types of programs and games to be around him. Cacheting him being kind and good and going overboard on the praise for that. Ask him if there is some nice he could do for the girls in his class and then do it.
Remember that being a child is practice for the grownup world and our children reflect back what they have seen....they still mimic us well into teen hood and those around him. Good Luck
J.

This is 100% total wrong and you do need to put a stop to this. You need to set the boundaries and the teachers at the school need to help you implement those rules. You need to be aggressive in this matter. If you do nothing now it could grow to be a very big problem. The problem could be more than just the fact that he thinks he can walk all over girls he may think he can dominate his relationships.
Is he watching things on TV or movies that have these actions in them? Many cartoons even have inappropriate action in them. Also video games, if he is seeing other pay adult video games. Many show actions that are not appropriate for even adults. There just trash.
My husband dealt with most of the masculine issues because man to man is always the best.
Another thing that our son was involved with by this age was Royal Rangers. This is a much like Boy Scouts but is Christian Based. It is Men discipleship boys to grow in to good Christian men, husbands and fathers. My son is now 18 years old and is still very involved with Royal Rangers, as a junior leader. Rangers played a big part in not just our sons life but our families life. It brought us closer with Christ, which helped us deal with any issues we may have had with our son. Praise GOD there was very few.
GOOD LUCK,
S.

Two things come to mind immediately. Children do not come up with behavior like this on their own; this sort of thing is learned behavior. Time for you to play a little detective work.

#1 - Not to alarm you, but maybe someone has sexually abused him?

#2 - Do you have the television on a lot in the house? Maybe he has witnessed this sort of behavior in the programs on tv. He doesn't necessarily have to be sitting and watching actively; it could be picked up on even if the tv is on as 'background noise'.

You need to find his 'currency' (the things that are important to him) and take it away when he misbehaves.

First off, do not only blame your child. There are always two sides to every story. Wat are these girls doing at the time these incidents occur? They are involved too, and they must be making him think that it's funny to touch butts, kiss, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of girls' parents tis age seem to think it's cute or funny to have a "boyfriend" in pre-k or K. Somewhere along the line the girls and your son were told it was cute. Well, now it's not so cute that he's spitting in their faes. But, what provokes tis spitting? Is it like a cat hisses or a dog barks in defense? What is really going on here? I have noticed that parents who have pre-k and k girls have been into the whole dressing them up like they're in their 20's thing. The girls and boys these days watch inappropriate things on t.v. that leads to inappropriate behaviors in public. It's not cute at all for the kissing, hugging, etc at this age. It most of the times will lead to something inappropriate. Kids are curious and want to know what's going on and will usually try to see what is o.k. and what is not o.k. Talk to your son, find out what's reall going on to cause these reactions at home and at school. Come up with the punishment, but don't forget to recognize the times when he is NOT doing those inappropriate things. Tell him "mommy liked how I didn't get any reports at school that you touched Suzy's butt because touching butts is not appropriate or acceptable and we don't do things like that, right?" He will get it sooner or later. But, if he's only being punished and not rewarded, it will backfire. Also, have the teacher closely watch the interactions between your son and these girls. She should notice what's going on. If he's getting a positive reaction from the girls such as laughing, he will feel like he' entertaining them and continue this behavior. Good luck!

I can't think of anything different that you'd do other than wait it out. It sounds like you know how to deal out discipline, so other than grabbing him away from that situation at that moment (which you can't do if he's at school and you aren't), you definitely need assistance in the form of a teacher or aide or something who will perhaps set up a chart demonstrating how well the behavior is going. AND DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS. You did not teach your child to do these things. And you'll have plenty of other things to be embarrassed or feel guilty about down the line when everything else gets blamed on mom. Back to the teachers and neighbors and school. Let them know that they can be permitted to give a consequence, too. Not hitting or smacking or anything, but like well, they can't play at their house anymore that day, etc.
And then they have to stick to it also. He sounds like he's definitely testing your limits. That's just what they do sometimes. So he'll find out their are consequences. I am not be very helpful but just keep trying. Sometimes the teachers can't catch these things because there are so many kids, but if she is aware of your determination and she sounds like she is nice so that's half the battle, then you'll get him to calm down. Good luck!

Speak to the social worker at his school to see what you can do. Girl crazy has nothing to do with spitting. Touching butts he could have seen on The Simpsons or some other stupid show. That's why those programs are not funny. Little children don't know the difference. He's doing normal things. Some of those little girls could be egging this on also. Why doesn't the teacher know how to handle these things. Your son can't take all the blame here. Punishment has to be at the time of the crime..not when he gets home and forgets what was done. Chin up mom. Explain to him that we DO NOT TOUCH ANYONE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION.

Hey J.!
Hang in there! It sounds like you could use a lot of support from the community, positive support. Obviously everyone knows there a problem....what they need to do is help you with support or referrals. Has the teacher encountered this before? What action has been taken?

I think a counselor would be beneficial to get to the bottom of this, specifically one that specializes in working with children and is trained in art therapy. Art therapy is such a safe way for a child to express himself and then the counselor can share his "interpretation" with you/ the family.

He is getting some strange messages, and it may help to have an "outsiders" perspective.

Let others know (kindly) that you are aware there is a problem and that you are looking for resources on how to help your child, do they know of any? If not a quick thank you for showing concern and we would appreciate your patience, support, etc. You need some support on this to take action, not more talk about it.

Good luck.

Have you tried role-playing with him about how to talk with other kids, especially girls? Try to reconstruct the situation as much as possible, discuss what the girls do/say and what your son does next. If he's the one approaching the girls, practice some effective ways to start talking and playing (or whatever is appropriate for the situation).

I'm envisioning this behavior happening at recess or lunch, when the regular teacher is not present and the social atmosphere is highest. Try to find the common thread for all the situations and you'll eventually pinpoint the trigger. Try to remove or at least reduce the trigger. I've noticed that boy/girl behaviors get weird while standing in line (i.e. for bathroom, gym, etc). Talk with the teacher about your options for putting him in the front or back of the line, or sandwiched between boys, if appropriate.

Someone wrote about finding out his currency and using it as a consequence. If he's highly social, have his consequence be "sitting at the wall" at recess.

Despite all of your investigative work and giving consequences, this boy needs to know what IS appropriate. Give him the alternate behavior and practice, practice, practice it.
Good luck!

J., I have never run into your problem but thought i could give you some advice on how to deal with it. Yes, it was so cute when he was just kissing and hugging. Some things in life don't have answers as to their causes, but you don't need to know what caused something to come up with ways to deal with it. In your shoes I would pray for perspective and common sense. This behavior in no way indicates how he will act as an adult, believe me, kids go though a lot of stages in growing up. Be careful to screen out things in which women are belittled (and that includes talking to family members, husband, about that issue) His seeing this behavior in real life will influence him in that direction. Talk up how girls are equal and see movies and read books in which girls are capable and strong. If neighbors call again reassure them that you are aware of the problem and working on it. As far as his testing the limits, very normal, and best delt with by consistently responding, to each incident, with a discipline that speaks to the action at that time. Time outs can get old and aren't that terrrible. "So Johnny, if you are wondering if I mean what I say, I do. I am telling you to take your hand off your brother and I know that you hear me. Use your ears to listen. Now do as I say or you will be in a quiet place for 5 minutes." Try to avoid thinking that he is trying to get you upset, and if that is the case, the solution is to notgive him what he wants, but remain cool and distant. Good Luck!

Hi J.,
I don't think it has anything to do with not respecting girls. I think it has to do with him liking girls & not knowing how to communicate with them. First he kissed & patted them on the behind, which is a sign of affection, and was told that it was not appropriate behavior. This probably confused him & so he didn't know what else to do, thus the spitting began. I think you or your husband should talk to him & give him ways to effectively talk to girls. I would also tell him that kissing is natural, but it is done after you get married (he'll figure out the truth later). You don't want him growing up thinking that giving affection to someone you care about is bad. The next time a mother tells you that he did something to her daughter I would tell them that your son has a little crush on her daughter & that you are working on ways for him to constructively express it. Every woman will relate to this & not hold anything against you or your son. After all, it's a compliment; your son thinks their kid is cute.

Hi J.,

I don't have any practical advice for you however, I did want to tell you that I wish the best for you. When you wrote "What a sad day for me as a mother." I just felt amazingly horrible for you. I am sure in other ways your son is creative and a great spark in your life. I hope things in this area will turn for the best and that you don't need to worry about him respectiving women. I appreciate how aware your are of your son's opportunites to be better and how hard you are working on it.

All the Best, VK

Hi J. - Wow, that does sound really confusing and frustrating! I haven't experienced this as a mother (my daughter is only 1.5 years) but I'm also a teacher and I've sometimes seen young kids act up in a variety of ways. I've found that when simple consequences don't work (and it sounds like you're doing a good job with talking to him and having consequences), I usually need to find a way to be super positive with the child. I'll look for any opportunity to praise him or her, on the behavior I'm trying to modify and in any other way, too. This helps ease my frustration (I don't like having to constantly tell a child "no" - it's not the relationship I want) and it also usually gets the child interested in finding ways to do well. I still say no and give consequences when I need to in the midst of showering the child with warmth, but I try to do it matter-of-factly without showing frustration. My heart goes out to you - good luck!