Hello all,
My used-to-be-sweet, 22 month old daughter has recently become possessed, I swear. She's incredibly contrary, explosively emotional, & exceedingly difficult to be around. In short, the "terrible twos" are upon us.
I'm not asking for theories on how to deal with or approach her behavior. I feel pretty comfortable & confident with the approach we're taking. Nor is this a cry for help, like I'm going to cross a line or something - I'm not even close to that. I love my daughter with all my heart, & still think she's amazing, in spite of her suddenly becoming Linda Blair from the Exorcist.
What I'm asking for please are any words or encouragement and/or support from any moms who have made it through the twos with any semblance of their sanity intact. I'm sure it's probably more common than I know, but it's such a hard, crappy, lonely feeling when you're tapped out & you feel like you really don't like being around your child. Anyone?
I never hear anyone say this.
Any of your stories or sharing would be GREAT appreciated!!
Thanks.
I can't even begin to thank everyone enough for their responses!!! Saturday evening (when I posted) was the end of a really tough week. And I was feeling pretty tapped out. Your responses were just the support I needed though .... and I've even printed them all out. I want to keep them handy so I can read through them all again when I need to.
Thanks again!
It'll get better. I have 9 year old twin girls and the two's were so much fun. Actually I think the 3's were worse, but we also have 23 month old twin girls and they are having a great start at the terrible twos. You're not alone. I want to go away and hide sometimes. Just hang in there, before you know it you'll be shipping for prom dresses. =)
I swear who ever wrote the exorcist was a parent to a toddler..
*bighug*
Hey J.! Hang in there! My 4th was the same, sweet one minute and then , I would be asking my self where did she come from? She is 5 and adorable now, but still fiesty and opinionated. You sound confident in your mommy skills, so believe in yourself. That is the one thing I tell my friends, (more than offering them advice they may or may not want,) is "TRUST your mommy gut!" . You know your daughter best, and you know you are doing your best, so have confidence in that.
One of the best things I read was, We spend our child's first year of life teaching them the world revolves around THEM. IE they cry, they get picked up, the hungry cry gets them food, they smile, we laugh! THEN we spend the whole second year teaching them the exact opposite! Wait, mommy is on the phone, don't touch, Stop running! Share... and so on. From a little person's perspective, it made it easy for me to see why they would get frustrated. I think I have been pretty good about NOT breaking down and giving in, standing firm about what is nice and appropriate, and my girls all get this now.
Best wishes to you and yours! Trust yourself, and you "mommy gut!"
C., mom of 4 beautiful girls, new to CA
I understand what you are going through. My "terrible two" is eighteen years old, though she was not like this when she was actually a toddler. We deal with the out bursts and know that some day it we be over with.
Hope you can find some sanity is the support you recieve here. I know I have.
I think we all have experienced the tantrums of the two's and also the three's. I hate to say it but the three's are worse then the two's. Then again I also have a son who is 11 and his outbursts put all to shame. We all ponder life w/o our kids when they drive us crazy. You will get through it, she will grow out of it. Her tantrums will become further apart. Good luck and you defiantly are not alone.
My son was a peach through his two's. I thought that my perfect little angel was going to stay like forever. And then.... he turned three. The "horrible" three's were upon us over night.
He pushed and tested his boundaries to the point where I actually (in that moment) did not like him. He would not listen to me, he fought me at bedtime (it would take me an hour and half to get him to finally stay in his bed), he would hit me, scream at me, ect. He was a nightmare to say the least.
I felt so alone and I didn't know what to do, but I kept up with being consistent and following through with things. Now he's back to his normal sweet self. Actually I think he a tad bit better due to all of the discipline/boundary setting that I did.
The good news is this only lasted a few months. A very loooong few months ;)
Good luck and hang in there... she WILL be her wonderful self again.
J.,
Try to remember a child who will test you is one of great intelligence. Take pride in knowing, as a mother, you are doing one fantastic job. Successful that your child trusts you enough to be down right impossible and confident that you still love her no matter what. Know that she learns important tools to grow into a healthy woman watching you day by day as you show her love, patience and kindness. Keep the big picture of your job as "Mom" in sight and remind yourself of all the reasons you chose to be a mommy in the first place. She will mirror you and all that you see in the up coming years will be the best of you. Cherish your most precious reflection and the idea that this little token will step forward bringing to others whats shes learned from you.
I love the style of your writing--it is funny but persuasive! But I digress..
Man, oh man, do I feel your pain. My first son didn't experience the "terrible twos" too badly...but my second one...Ugh! It was awful. Tantrums, asking the SAME question over and over and over, arguing...you name it he did it!
The words of encouragement I can give you are what my mom always says to me (and its SO true)....This Too Shall Pass! Sounds like you have a plan of action, so that's great. Believe me, your sweet, lovable daughter is still in there..and she will be back soon!
I feel you! I have two kids now 7 and 9, were even planning a third. Those times were tough, and you may feel like that toward your child many times throughout her life. I found some great ideas in the Dreamers, Discoerers & Dymanmos:... book by Lucy Jo Palladino. It helped me commumicate with my kids better and relieved some of the stress of it. Also for tantrums we bought some Rescue Remedy. It works great for calming kids, and adults down!
Good luck!
T.
Founder
www.theparentpack.org
Once, when my middle child was a toddler and I was at the end of my rope, I ordered 7 books on parenting from Amazon.com. I was so desperate for some kind of understanding. Out of all of those books, my favorite thing was reading the forward of one of them, in which a woman described her life experiences as a CEO of major companies, world travel, financial negotiations, and managing employees. She said that by far the hardest job she'd ever done was parenting toddlers. Somehow, I found that so comforting!
Good luck! It does get easier (of course,there'll always be another stage).
It is completely normal to go through phases where you don't like someone you love, whether it be a friend, parent, spouse, or child! Don't buy into the "if you love them, then you always like them."
A woman told me today, "I really did NOT like my daughter when she was in 8th grade. I loved her, but I REALLY didn't like her."
There are days where my 16 month old's energy is joyful and wonderful to be around. Other days...I wonder if he is employed by the devil to drive me crazy.
I think the more you understand that you can love someone through such a phase, the more strength you are giving the relationship. Weathering storms and showing your child that you love them no matter what is a powerful message, one we don't give them enough. Or our spouses for that matter. Otherwise, our families might be stronger than they are.
I loved the twos in each of my four children because it was the age when then separated from their oneness from me and came into their own ("No, me do it!"). By the same token, as they disengaged and began finding themselves as an independent being, they also, in some ways, became more dependent. It was more like they became independent, disassociated themselves from me, but also became insecure at the same time. Two is an age of disequilibrium, which is found again in the three-year-old. Your job, as mom, is to watch and to make sure that your child is safe in the process of this difficult developmental stage. It is short-lived and fascinating! So, hang in there, Mom. One day your daughter will master herself as an independent being and you'll know you helped make her secure in the process!
Just try to remember that your kid feels safe enough to act like that with you and that is great! She's also learning that she is her own individual, and she's checking it out. She sounds like she's a smart little kid! No less maddening though, I know. My older daughter was really really tough- seems like from the get-go. She used to have temper tantrums like you wouldn't believe- sometimes 10 a day. I didn't feel like I could take her anywhere (I did, but not as much as I would have), I felt isolated, felt like I must be doing something horribly wrong... And although we were very connected and of course I loved her like crazy, I also could get really really frustrated. The good thing is that while every stage is challenging (mine are 9 and 6 now) at least the challenges change. You know you won't have to deal with the grocery store tantrums forever; you'll have something different to look forward to. That might not sound encouraging, but it does make it easier.
