Is My Three-Year-Old's Behavior Normal?

This sounds to me like a very normal 'trying to learn to be independent, but it's hard to do' stage. I don't think anything that seems like punishment is an answer. Instead, remain as calm as you can while trying to calm him down. Soft words gently spoken asking him what his problem is, and giving him reasonable solutions should help. Perhaps have him sit in a chair or a designated place to calm down will help, but don't make it seem like a 'time out' (punishment) area. Rather say something like, " I think you need to relax a bit here, and then you'll be able to handle this better".

Sounds just like my daughter. I read once that the half birthdays is when behavior changes happen. Also I've had TONS of parents tell me that the "trying threes" are a lot harder then the "terrible twos". I agree you should keeping doing what you're doing he's looking to see if you are going to be consistant and he's waiting for that one time you don't follow through or do what's expected. He also trusts you and knows you won't reject him if he has a major tantrum, that's why he does them special for you :0)

Sounds normal although frustrating. He has tantrums because he is frustrated. He wants so much to do things and so little in his life is within his control. Things that helped us were:

1. Looking at the long term. The goal is not to have an obedient quiet child. The goal is to raise a thinking, questioning, empathetic adult. The goal is not to win. Winning implies a loser - you win, he loses - not the goal.

2. Assume positive intent. He is doing the best he can for who he is now. Not who he will be tomorrow and not who you want him to be.

3. Avoid battles when possible. They do nobody any good. He does not learn anything when you 'win'. Nor did 'winning' any of these battles help me feel good.

4. Give 2 positive choices. Giving too many choices is sometimes confusing. Giving two gives him power over his environment - 'do you want cereal or toast for breakfast?'

5. Playful parenting - make it a game - can the toothbrush talk? 'wow, DS, I really want to get those back teeth clean today, can I, can I, can I, pleeeease?'

6. Decide which issues are non-negotiable, which you have a stake in and which you don't really care about. For me non-negotiable was safety (and spitting, sorry I just couldn't handle this one), things I had a stake in would be getting him dressed so I could get to work and he could get to school, things I couldn't care less about were things like which shirt he wore.

Things that are non-negotiable are just that - he tries to run into the street, I hold his hand and say - I can't let you run into the street, a car could hit you, he loses it, I carry him inside and sit with him until he is done crying/yelling.

Things that we each have a stake in are open to discussion and problem solving. He won't put his coat on, we need to go. I say, it is cold out, he says, I don't want to put my coat on. I say ok, scoop up the coat and we go. Chances are good he will decide he wants the coat.

Things I don't care about. I say - DS it's time to get dressed - he yells, I don't want the blue shoes. I say - ok, you pick shoes, now let's get the ones you picked on.

7. The do-over - a life saver. Works best when you can see things are headed down the wrong path but before a tantrum. Goes like this - me - DS, I see you are mad about your chair being to far out - do you want to be mad or do you want to be happy? OK, would you like a do-over? Me -Wow, DS, it looks like your chair is too far from the table, would you like me to push it in or would you like to do it yourself? Then give him a hug.

Once he is having a tantrum, he is done learning for the moment. The fastest way DS got over them was to give him a hug. I personally think teaching children they cannot be mad or sad is wrong. DS is entitled to his emotions and allowed to express them as long as he is not hurting someone else. I think any learning that will occur happens after the tantrum is over anyway.

I never put him in another room because he was crying or yelling - to me that taught the lesson - 'mommy only loves you when you are nice, not when you are angry or sad.'

YOUR SON SOUNDS COMPLETELY NORMAL LOL!!! I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just monitor it a bit and show lots of love to him. At three they are still trying to put their words together to make sense and communicate their frustration...My son is three like yours and it is the same thing...Tantrums galore! I let him have his and when he calms down we are able to talk about the "issue" at hand.

Sounds like three to me. Both of my boys were quite easy and sweet until they turned 3. Then they were beastly at times until they turned 4. They are 6 and 13 now, and in our experiences 3 was by far the most difficult age we've been through yet with either of them. We also use Love and Logic consistently, and it helped us through. Three wasn't all bad; it was just more challenging. Good luck!

I agree with the statement below "I never put him in another room because he was crying or yelling - to me that taught the lesson - 'mommy only loves you when you are nice, not when you are angry or sad." Most of the behavioral specialist for challenging behaviors who specialize in emotional regulation recommend 'time in.' Also, behavior charts build extrinsic (outside) motivation rather than intrinsic (inside) motivation. The intrinsic motivation will serve a child better down the line and even as a youth. I have a 4 1/2 year old who still screams and sometimes tantrums. It is beginning to decrease some now that she is finally getting older. I think it is useful to pick and choose your battles. Two useful programs for love based parenting are: Thepostinstitute.com and beyondconsequences.com. I found these more useful than love & logic which I found to be a bit child-blaming. STEP parenting and other positive parenting approaches are also helpful.

It all sounds normal- just keep doing what you are doing and stay consistent.I would say he is probably to the point where you could maybe try a reward chart of some sort. Give him stickers whenever he is listening/behaving and when he starts to throw a fit remind him that he is not earning stickers that way. Start by setting the sticker limit low and the time period short so that he can see the reward quickly. Start with 3-5 stickers in a day to earn a small surprise in the evening- whever his trigger is- extra TV time, ice cream, a small toy- something like that. Then as time goes on you can up the stickers and lenthen the time period as need.

Hi there,

Boy o boy- I can relate!!! We're going through difficult times too. Our DS is 4yo and a few months and our baby DS is 9mo. DS has had no regression and is so perfectly sweet to "his baby." Our big boy just transitioned to a preK class, and I think he feels a little out of control with the world right now. I believe he also has a little self confidence issue- with his new awareness: "how do I fit in with all of this."

However, as Catherine said, he reserves the tantrums for someone he trusts (aka Mommy). We also put him in his room to cool off and work out his tantrum. I read a really interesting article on the physiology/ psychology of tantrums in Parenting, available here:
http://www.parenting.com/article/toddler-temper-tantrums

Lastly, what helps us (in no particular order):
* Establishing bedtime and wake up routines. Pictorial checklists, like undress and put your clothes in the hamper, get PJs and diaper on, brush teeth, pick out books, read stories, lights off. Helps the child to know where s/he is at in the sequence and prepare for the next.
* Star charts. I bought the Melissa and Doug weekly chore chart. He really looks forward to putting the happy face magnets on. He will even asks how he can earn one- his favorite is vacuuming the kitchen/ eating area floor with our Shark vacuum. No complaints here! After a certain time or number of achievements, he'll earn a Hot Wheels car.
* Having all his favorites. We are on a Super heroes, Star Wars, Transformers, Buzz Lightyear obsession. I bought a ton of Tshirts and undies in these themes. I know he's spoilt, but he'll get himself dressed and he's smiling in the morning.
* Perspective. Realizing that he's already 4!!! in 4 more years he'll be 8, and almost an adolescent, then a teen, then a college student, then a man on his own. Oh dear!! Makes this Mommy hug her babies close.

But it's a tough time, no kidding. My best to you!

Totally normal. I don't have anything to add to the advice that is already posted - all good stuff. When my boys were little, I had heard so much about the "terrible twos" that they seemed to sail through (mostly), but the 3 1/2 year mark was when everything hit the fan. We all got through it and it is a dim memory, except when I read your post. It was very hard at times, but it passes.

As the mother of 5 and the grand mother of several and also the mother of disabled children. I want to tell you that what you are seeing is natural behavior. He is changing from toddler hood to little child and it is hard on them. My son came home from college with a great study he shared with his siblings with children part of it says "3 1/2 - 4 year olds are just 2 yo with a mouth to tell you what they think and its not easy". You wil need patience and strength to keep tellling him how much he is loved inspite of the behavior and the ability to remembe you are the parent and not allow the behavior to get out of hand.

As a parent with a child with autism, I don't see anything in your description that points to "autism spectrum." He sounds pretty typical to me -- maybe the adjustment to going with naps has triggered this.

The book 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr. Thomas Phelan is really good. Time outs really worked for my typical daughter. I used to put her in the bathroom for time outs, because when I tried other locations the first thing she always yelled back at me as "I have to go to the bathroom!" At age 3 its only for 3 minutes anyway.

I know how you feel...my 3 year old has always been a challenge. He is beyond strong-willed, and will blow up about the smallest things. It is so hard to hear parents say that if you don't allow it, it won't happen. I recently read the book, "The Explosive Child," and it described my son exactly. These are the K. that are easily frustrated and inflexible leading to horrible tantrums. When they are in these tantrums, there is no reasoning, negotiating, etc. with them. I've been using the book's approach for the last few weeks, and we have been seeing improvement, but you have to catch the behavior before the explosion. It's been working well for us, and we've had fewer tantrums over ink on hands, water on shirt, which shoes to wear, etc. Many of the K. described in the book are older, but I found it pretty easy to adapt for my 3 year old. I've read A LOT of books, and this one has been the most helpful.

It's normal if it's allowed. It will stop if you discipline it. The love and logic stuff still leaves it up to him to act that way if he wants, no matter where he's relocated to. He won't develop the self control to act well as quickly as if you enforce boundaries. He may outgrow it (or not) but he'll morph it into other negative behaviors with age if he doesnt' get self discipline which comes from parental discipline at first. NEVER assume ADHD before you have tried discipline. Any child will act this way with the love and logic program-my friends all use it, and their kids all do that stuff. It seems to be geared for sweet little girls, or MAYBE super docile boys, but not spirited boys (or any of my friend's terrorsational sons). If you don't allow tantrums, he won't have them, and everyone will be much happier.
Consistently being kind and sympathetic to wrong behavior teaches it's OK.
My son is a spirited 3 1/2 and he would never act that way. He knows what to expect if he tries it. So he doesn't. He's a vibrant happy loving child who loves to push boundaries, but would never be allowed to follow through with a tantrum so it's not even on his radar.
My 5 year old daughter was also never allowed to do this and never had terrible 2s or 3s.
If this site is up your alley, the book is great:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I think most kids go through a phase at some age where they try to exert independence. My daughter was also 3 and not 2 when this happened.

Sounds familiar! My 4.5yo is currently going through this, and sometimes it ABSOLUTELY is due to lack of sleep. And sometimes, it's just how he is that day. I, too, just want my sweet boy back, and he shows up on occasion :) I just try to be supportive, but I, too, send him to another room (usually his own room) while he throws his fit. I tell him he can come down when he's done, and we talk about whatever prompted the behavior. He's just now starting to understanding reasoning, so I myself have to remember to be patient!

Unfortunately, sounds like a typical 3 year old. My daughter is the same. I get very frustrated, because I wonder where my sweet girl went. Even from one moment to the next. The smallest thing sets her off! Sometimes, I wish we could just have fun, but 2 hours are ruined because she threw a fit about something, or we are in a standoff.

Remember, however, that this is a VERY important time when you establish yourself as the authority. I try to remind myself that every battle we fight now will pave the way for easier days in the future. DON'T BACK DOWN, even on little things, because it's not about what is for dinner, or what he's wearing, but his desire to be in control! Continue to give choices, but if a battle begins, ALWAYS win!

Hang in there!