I Read a Blog Post

I love my kids, I like my kids, I enjoy my kids, I have fun with my kids, I brag about my kids. My kids are great. I also complain about my kids. I know my kids aren't perfect. When one doesn't clean his room, or do his homework, or get out of bed when I call him, I complain. I feel like I am fortunate that my kids don't give me a lot to complain about, but when they do I don't suffer in silence, I complain.

ETA: One of them left the milk on the counter this morning!

I don't mind hearing people complain about their children. Parenting can be tough. What makes me sad is when parents give up on their children. Even then I try not to judge. I don't know the history of the situation, but it makes me so sad for all involved.

*I'm thinking of when I call parents (I'm a high school teacher) and every once in awhile a parent will tell me to try whatever I want, but that he/she has quit trying to work with the child and I don't need to bother calling home anymore. Those calls are heartbreaking.

I suppose if I had stopped at one, my son, I would likely be like you, a bit smug.
But I had two more, both girls, and they have put me through things I NEVER expected.
When you have one pretty decent kid it's awfully easy to pat yourself on the back and wonder why everyone isn't 100% in love with their precious offspring.
Call me in 15 years after you've had a few more and tell me all about it...
ETA: also I bet this blogger still had young kids, not teenagers, so there ya go.

Well, the author "could" be sick of people complaining, and then she can go off and disappear into her perfect little world alone. I'm not a bitter person, but I don't think I would want to be around someone who feels so damn affected by what other people are doing. It's great that she loves her kids, that she is fully and absolutely in love with her kid... that's not a problem. That said, while I am fully committed to my son and adore him--raising kids is HARD. Sometimes, a vent is very helpful and healthy! What's not healthy is the idea that parents shouldn't have negative feelings about their kid or being a parent or *their own experience of parenting*.

I also think having compassion for parents who are struggling is important. Sometimes, we complain because we can't fix a bigger problem because we are not our children. We can't make them be the people we want them to be, or we see our kids struggle because they have a hard time, trying to be the person they authentically want to be. It's a hard situation. So, instead of focusing on those mean, complaining parents, it is also worth it to take into consideration the challenges they face. Having a kid with some challenges, it's always interesting to me that the outside world often has a hard time separating nature from nurture-- it's so easy to blame the parent for the flaws of the child, or the child would be 'better' if the parent only did such-and-such. Everyone has the 'right' answers for themselves-- it's just that those answers don't work for other people. If a mom friend called me up to vent, swore about her kid for a few minutes and then is able to get it off her chest and laugh about it, or at least get to a less-intense place within herself, that's a GOOD thing. We are all human.

This was a very difficult post for me to read. It's not that I complain about my kids all the time. It's just that being a parent is sometimes really, really hard. Sometimes I do complain about my kids. It's not that I think they are rotten (not even close). But I'm only human, and sometimes I really do feel like I'm at my wits end.

I'm not proud of myself, but I have said things in anger and I have hit my kids before. I don't like myself for it, but I can honestly say I'm very hurt by your words. I've made mistakes, but I do have amazing kids, and I still think I'm a pretty good mom.

So, if you say good things about your kid, you are one of those awful competitive parents; you are a braggert.
Now, apparently, if you want to get support when your kid isn't being an angel, it means that you don't love your kids.

There is no way to win as a parent.

I don't think I've ever seen a mom on this site call her children "rotten". Certainly there are plenty of people in the world who do horrible things to children, which is very sad. But I think many/most posters here have lots of love in their hearts for the children in their lives.

Similarly, many/most of us love the people who raised us, and love our adult siblings, and love our significant others.

All of those loves, give us moments worthy of complaint!

And I truly believe that to spend time and energy posting on this site about difficult moments - actively seeking help and advice - is an act of love too!

I didn't read the blog post, but I've never heard anyone who always complained about how rotten their kids were, to the exclusion of all else.

However, as someone below pointed out, people would probably be more turned off if you were always saying how perfect your kids were. Maybe the complainers know that, sadly, in our culture complaining is usually more well-received than bragging.

i'm so with you. i think i DO have on rose-colored glasses to some degree, as my boyzies have been grown and gone for some time now. but that's okay. i'm just glad i remember their boyhoods with such love and joy, and i'm really happy that they seem to feel they had happy childhoods too.
but i really love teenagers, and not everyone does. i still love teenagers. i think it's a wonderful, tragic, glorious, breathtaking time of life, and i love watching and listening to them as they experience it.
i didn't really empty-nest too badly when they first moved out, as they both came home a lot during the first few years. now that they're settling into careers and long-term relationships, they naturally have less time for coming home, so i'm feeling it more now than ever.
it's good to have new adventures, projects and interests on hand, and to remind ourselves that this next phase of life can have all the fascination of earlier ones. i won't ever stop missing the mom phase, i don't think. i so loved it.
:) khairete
S.

I really don't think it is going to be your husband who has trouble with the empty nest.

I LOVE being a mom more than anything I have ever done in my life. My son sounds a lot like yours. I have been blessed with an easy, wonderful boy and thank goodness, because the rest of my life can be really challenging. But never in a million years could I say I never complained about him, and he about me. We're human. He's the perfect child FOR ME, but, we're imperfect. We both make mistakes. We both get frustrated. Life's messy, but at the end of the day, we both have a soft spot to fall because we accept each other's faults.

Never in a million years would I be upset with another mom for complaining about her child, such as your blogger. I got lucky with my son and I know it and count my blessings. I feel compassion and sometimes awe for those moms that deal with more challenging kids. Parent need a soft spot to fall, too. This is the toughest and most important job in the world.

One of my kids has been really, really hard. Heartbreakingly so at times. My other kid has been sweet and easy. Yes, this 2nd child has also had life struggles but it's normal stuff...nothing like child #1. If I had only had the 2nd child I would have no idea why some parents are mentally strung out and completely exhausted and stressed. I love them both dearly of course but one of them has caused me a lot of worry and stress...a LOT. And I don't often run into another mom who can understand....out of all my friends I have only met two people in real life who have a similar child. I know it is no use talking to other parents about it. They truly do not get it. There were times when I really needed someone to talk to. The therapist helped a lot bc it was someone who had seen cases like this and who understood and had really good ideas for how to make life easier. And yes, I love spending time with both of them...they can be delightful and funny and fun and loving and it's amazing watching them grow up and mature. You have a good day too.

S.,

What's your question here? I'm confused. You read a blog. Great. I don't typically read the blogs because it's usually horse manure, in my opinion. Telling me how I should raise my kids.

Do I think my kids are perfect angels? Oh hell no.
Do I look around and see heathens? Yep. Every day. My boys are sitting on a school bus listening to ugly words coming out kids mouths.

I have a freshman and a junior. My Junior is talking with universities and attending prospect camps. He's talking seriously with VMI and still wants to go to the Naval Academy.

Both of my boys are in Honors classes and in JROTC. They have 3.75 or higher GPAs. Have I heard them swear? Yep. Have I seen them be mean to anyone? Maybe once or twice. I absolutely love my boys - 100% unconditionally. Good, bad, they are my flesh and blood and I will love them. Will I always LIKE them? Nope. Even told them so. Just because I may not like them or their actions at some point, does NOT mean that I don't love them.

So please tell me what your question is - how to help your husband with empty nest? How to help you with empty nest? Teach your children to do laundry? Cook? what? I'm NOT trying to be a snot - I'm trying to figure this out.

I don't think there is a darn thing wrong with complaining about our kids. My kids are NOT rotten but they aren't perfect either. I would hate to have "perfect" kids. How boring would that be?

My son was more of a challenge than my daughter. Loved them both beyond compare but there were moments I wasn't sure how this was all going to turn out.

I am so proud of the adults they are now. They have really come into their own and yes, their father and I had a lot to do with that. We made sure they understood the value of a dollar and education. We were parents not friends. We handed out punishments as well as a tremendous amount of love. Sometimes saying "NO" is showing love. When they were growing up we didn't have a lot of money. We went to the parks fed ducks, watched movies and had game night. Went for walks and would ride our bikes. We did things as a family. One of my requirements was eating dinner at home every night as a family. That is so important.

Yes, we spanked both kids and with all due respect, I have no guilt about it. That said, we had to learn our children's "currency". My daughter would get upset if I just looked at her sideways, our son you could beat to death and he would say "that didn't hurt", BUT if you took money away or his stuff, then you had his attention. Each child is different.

These kiddos of mine are super awesome adults and I am so proud of the people they are. Both are college graduates, gainfully employed, living on their own. Neither did drugs or drank much. Didn't get into trouble with the law, although my son did his best his first couple of years in HS. =) Our son is engaged to a wonderful young lady and will be married in May. Our daughter ended a 6 year relationship (yay!!) last year. She took time off and got to know herself again. She is pretty amazing and funny as hell.

So yes, I love my kids but right now, I like them. A few years ago? Not so much. =)

I never understood Shakespeare until we had a child...I can go through an incredible range of emotions from the deepest love, to heartbreak to hatred in the course of a week. I try to act most often from a rationale place (and mostly succeed), but that doesn't mean that many times I would just like to close my eyes and roll back 15 years.

I know when I complain (and, man, do I complain), what I really want is for someone to say: Yes. That's tough. You're doing a great job. Everything will be okay.

What I do find annoying: The Cult of Motherhood. Women had children during times of war, pioneer women drove oxen across the plains and cooked food for their kids over campfires, women work 2-3 retail jobs to make ends meet. My friends (and I) are fairly privileged, and yet I hear far more complaining among my privileged friends with their kids in private schools, private tennis lessons, European vacations, than I ever do when I'm with my friends who aren't Fancy People.

Sorry but I just never came across anyone who complained about that about their kid(s).
If anything - they complain about how busy they are - after they let them sign up for half a dozen activities per child.
In my mind they have no rights to complain when their chaos is rather self inflicted.
I know I could gush about my kid all day - so I try to keep the bragging to 5 min or less and only when asked how he's doing.
Some parents just go on and on about their special snowflake - even if the kid is somewhat average.
Our son's a senior this year and will be off to college next year.
I'll probably have to adjust majorly to an empty nest but I'll keep myself busy and look forward to visits when we can.

How nice for you. What's your question?

Yeah, and I have to agree with mamazita. One is cake. Either one of mine, alone, would have been easy. Two, both with medical conditions... get back to me when you really have a challenge. My kids are my world, but I will never do to them what I see happening with parents who never find fault - spoiled, entitled kids and shaming other parents who are more realistic. YOU pray for your husband. I think you're the one who's going to need the prayers.

I love Michelle S's answer. And complaining about a difficult child is very different than calling them rotten. I have never heard any mother call her child rotten. I'm also very careful saying too many positive things as I'm superstitious and know things can change very quickly. Too many cases of a golden child getting involved in drugs or something. So I don't count my chickens before they hatch.

I don't know of moms who trash their kids like that. Talking about a rotten kid? No. Talking about rotten behaviors? Yes.

And I have. I have a challenging kid. Great kid, and of course I love him. But I don't always like his behavior. And he knows it. And we've gone to counseling. I needed skills to deal with it better, and so did he.

Doesn't sound like you had that kind of issue with your son. And I didn't with my other kids. I think they key is to admit it, be honest, get help and support - from friends, and if necessary, a counselor.

I don't know what the context of the blog post was - was it just moms who vent? I try not to do that. I want to make the situation better, not trash my kid. And my friends are the same. Sometimes we make light of it, and we're trying to find the humor in it.

It would depend on how your describe "rotten". I know of people whose children drive other people up and down the wall with their actions. Some of these children need to learn self-control and also need boundaries.

Parenting is the hardest profession in the world. There is no manual on how to do anything as a parent. You have to figure out what will and will not work to correct the behavior at hand. You have to create a plan on how to guide and help this helpless individual become a successful human being in society. While doing all of this, you as a parent have to have separate things to do that are all for you. You and your children are not joined at the hip and things or dreams that you have may or may not work with said offspring. You have to learn how to encourage and support your children but give them room to grow and fail and learn so that they can be productive.

As I say, my children are my world but my world is not my children they are a part of my life. I have things that I do that have helped me get through the empty nest without coming apart and continued as a productive adult in life. My husband also is able to function without the empty nest closing in on him. He also has things he likes to do to fill in the void of no kids at home. In fact, we have a new pet at home that takes up a lot of our time to keep us on our toes and enjoy her.

I am now looking and hoping for a few more grandkids to show up before I leave this earth.

Were my children angels? No. Where they consideration to each other? Not all the time. Do they love each other? Yes from afar. They live in different states nearby. Do I favor one over the other? No, they are different individuals with different needs and wants. There were a few spankings along the way but not many. My daughter thanks me daily about how she was brought up compared to the children of today who have not manners and respect for anyone.

I hope that this mom does get her act together and take a few parenting classes to help her get through the rough spots.

the other S.

Sometimes I think if things are going along smoothly then a bump in the road is around the corner. Be happy for what you have now. Good luck.