I Need Help - My Marriage Is Falling Apart, and So Am I

I wasn't able to read the other responses, but I just started attending Saddleback Church in Lake Forest and my outlook AND attitude has become so much more positive. Look up their website, saddleback.com and do some searching...I'm sure someone will be able to give you some answers. Try the recovery section. Maybe just attending a few Sunday services, will give you some encouragement. Good luck and I will pray for your family. I've been through sooo much myself.

L.

Ellen, I'm so sorry to read about your situation. Believe me, we all go through tough and challenging times in our marriages. Anyone who says they havne't is lying. You are right, you two need to get into counseling pronto. If he isn't willing to go at first, you go. Then get him in there with you because nothing will work unless you both have a vested interest in making your marriage work. Your counselor will help you frame and focus this demand that he must meet. Perhaps if he knows there is a very good chance he will lose you and his family if he doesn't go to counseling will be all that he will need to motivate him. I know that personally, my marriage has changed, too, since having a child. Things aren't as easy or carefree and it is more stressful. This HAS affected our relationship. Luckily, we do know that we love one another and we're going to make it work. But we do have our bad days, you know?? Nothing worthwhile is easy, as you know. So I wish you much success and I'm sending you many positive thoughts as you try to mend your relationship with your husband!!

I'm sure much of the advice you'll get will be similar, but I will say, too, a couple of things. I think you should absolutely be in couselling, yourself. You need to be sure to get "yourself" back. You need to bolster your own confidence in whatever it is you will do, and take a real stand toward that direction, so you can feel good about the whole thing again. I think he should know you're seeing this counsellor, and simply give him the option to go (or not!). That way he feels he has control over that decision. Meanwhile, please share with him the positive things that you are learning, and how good that makes you feel about your future together. Then, somehow you need to talk to him in a completely non-confrontational way, when things are going smoothly and well. See if you can ask him what makes him happy and then conversely, what upsets him and let him know you do indeed want him to be happy and that you still love him. Once he feels you care about HIM, he's going to feel so much better and begin to show that to you in many ways, hopefully. You've got to give it a real chance because there was a time when everything was so great with the two of you, not very long ago, that you both decided to get married. Try to find that place, and let him know.
I'm sorry life's been so hard lately, but things never stay that way for long if you're proactive and positive about it. He's still the man you fell in love with.
M.

Ellen,

First of all, I hear your pain and struggle through the message. I am sorry that the two of you are in this situation and that is causing you so much pain. It is never easy going through such a tough time. It can feel so isolating when you are not connected to your partner and you don't understand how to get through to him.

Is he aware that the pain you feel is causing you to contemplate divorce? You must feel very lost to be thinking of that as the only option and I wonder if he knew quite how serious this was for you if that would cause a wake up call. It does sound like something deeper is going on with him which would be important to identify and work through.

I don't pretend to know your exact circumstance but I do know that adding two children to a relationship and having all the pressures of a family can definitely cause issues---sometimes we lose ourselves in the process. It is hard being moms and dads and then trying to find time for ourselves at the end of the day.

My husband and I work with an incredible therapist that we adore---he worked with us before we got married to help us set the right foundation. We are in south OC but he is in Seattle where we used to live and he does work over the phone. It may not be for you but with 2 little ones it helps not to have to commute somewhere--and we have found him equally effective by phone. He is very good at working with people who don't initially want to go to therapy too. I have referred him to several couples and individuals and they have all loved him. If you are interested please respond and I will send you his info privately.

Remember, just because it is like this right now does not mean it will always be like this. What I do hear from you is that you can't keep sitting around doing nothing...that in order to feel productive you need to start working on the relationship together.

You are not inadequate for having difficulty in your marriage. None of us are perfect and we all are doing the best we can. Marriage is a series of ups and downs--and if it were easy we would not value it as much as we do. Hang in there girl. You are doing your best.

All the best to you,
A.

Dear Ellen
Let me start with and e-hug!
I love my counsler/therapist and would highly recommend him! His name is Dr. William White and has offices in both Newport Beach and Dana Point. If your husband won't go with you YOU GO! Improving your ability to deal with the situation might be incentive enough for him to join you. You must keep you together first, for your children as well as yourself. I commend you for your willingness to work on your relationship rather than just give it up. Please keep us posted. Love and Hugs, L.

Ellen, you are not alone. Marriage can be very difficult. I know, I'm going thru a divorce. Sounds like your husband is avoiding what is truly going on between you two. I believe that marriage has to be based on a strong mutually respectful friendship. I would tell him that you are feeling as if you are at the end of your rope and that couples counseling is something that you feel that YOU need. This way you are not saying that he has an issue therefore taking away his "I'm fine" arguement. Divorce looks nice as you think that it will take away the daily frustration, but it truly only brings a new set of frustrations. If he refuses to go to counseling, please go yourself. I am still going thru counseling and it has helped so much. If anything it will give you some peace of mind and strength in knowing that you are doing all you can to save your marriage. I truly feel for you as I have been where you are and I know how much is hurts your soul, takes away your confidence in who you are and allows you to seriously doubt yourself. If you need someone to chat, send me a message anytime. Stay strong and get counseling even if it is just for you! I send you happy thoughts!!

If it is not an affair, do you think it could be something else that is consuming him? We went through a similar period where my husband was withdrawn, lazy, and just disconnected. I grew bitter, disrespectful and sad. It turned out he was addicted to pornography and he struggled with that internally. This addiction consumed him and caused him to feel withdrawn, ashamed, easily angered, and depressed. We have brought it all out to the light and with our faith in the Lord we are at a better place than we ever have been before. Your husband has to want to give whatever is consuming him, up but maybe he does not know how and is also afraid to talk to you about it. Talk to him and see if you can find out what is consuming him and walk through it together. Ultimately, I recommend you two seek Jesus as you walk through this season. He will give you strength and clarity.

Ellen-
you are so not alone! Especially with all the stress we have every day, it is easy to feel frustrated. With 2 little ones so young, it is easy to slip into a rut(spelling?)You also mentioned that you feel like you have lost yourself, maybe he feels the same way and see's that you have. You have to take time to take care of your marriage, even though the chilren are very important. A happy mom and dad makes happy children, go on a date night, take a walk on the beach and just hold hands, smile at each other. Bring that spark back and enjoy eachother. The world can easily engolf us and not care. Just a thought...
I hope things get better for you! Think postive and give him a postive attitude, how Can I make his day easier/happier/more loving. Maybe he will catch on and follow your attitude???
Good Luck and hugs to you!!

Dear Ellen,
Your marriage is worth saving! Please check out this website. This organization saved my brother's marriage as well as that of a good friend. Absolutely turned them around! http://www.retrouvaille.org/ They are not selling anything
All marriages have rough patches - I'm praying for you.