Husband Is Pushing Me Away....?

My husband, too, was a rig hand. And he too would go to bars and get numbers and stay out all night. And he too, said it was stress. I put up with it for 8 years and there was finally the last straw, when I found emails to another girl. This is a hard horrible industry and it strives on men who are capable of having their morals twisted. I hate to tell you this, but if he is getting other girls numbers and talking to them and telling them that he is divorced, that is cheating. Only you can decide what's right for you, and when it's right to call a toad a toad. I'm not giving you the advice that was given to me, which is run, don't walk as far away from this man as you can. It's something that you have to be ready to do. Trust me, from experience, talk is never just talk, and once they have this kind of freedom, it won't change. The oilfield is a forever stressful place, therefore, there won't be a time when he isn't stressed. Good luck and I am here if you need a "been there, done that" shoulder!

sorry to say ,but i think he has had all the married life he wants.So i say ask him if he wants out if he says no ,,,,then you can set some ground rules either he stars and plays or goes astry
L.

Sounds to me like he is enjoying no responsibilies. You need to let him know he has to put family first, it is hard to do but sounds to me like he needs to stop drinking alcohol also. Let him know his boundries, has to come home at night. You are not a doormat! He is taking advantage of you so it is depressing you into poor health. I really feel for you that is why I am taking the time to write to you, I am busy with two teenagers.

Morning C.;

Your feelings and your gut are telling you the truth and
your not choosing to accept what they are telling you!

I am a man, so, I am telling you he is cheating on you and
apparently has found someone else! A married man "might" spend one night out with the boys>>>but, not 3 in a row!

I know it sounds very harsh, but, it's time to find you a
lawyer, preferably a "Smart, Tough, Female"! Do this the
next time he is out on the Rig and be ready to be strong and
forceful when he returns. Have all his clothes packed and on
the door step!

C. at 26 your young, you have 3 kids to worry about and
they don't need a mother who is crying and unhappy! They
need a "Happy" mother who is fun and loving and that they
know will take care of them and protect them!

Sorry to be so blunt, but, quit crying and take action!
B. C

I'm sure you have gotten a ton of responses but he is cheating on you. You said it in the words you wrote but you don't want to believe it. He cheats on you because he can. You let him and make it easy for him. And about his buddy, it's just that, HIS buddy that will cover his tracks. You don't give him any kind of a challenge or a reason to stay home. You have kids and I'm sure the other woman(s) he is screwing offers him a quiet and warm place to lay his head. You need to stand up for yourself and your kids. If you let people push you around...they will sweetie! MOST men don't respect a woman that they can push around.

I tell my husband periodically that he had to work hard to get me and he has to work that hard to keep me!! I have been married 13 years but it's work on my part as a woman to make sure you knows what he has. I also tell him that if he ever gets to a point that he is not happy or we can't work things out, then pack his stuff and go. I don't want someone that doesn't want to be with me to stay for all the wrong reasons. No hard feelings, no crying, no nothing but a wave and a smile. I'm not here to waist my time so let me go so I can find someone that wants to spend time with me and my kids. Those are some of the things you should be thinking/feeling. It sounds harsh but it's reality.

We can give you all the advice you want but ultimately you will have to make the decision and have to get the backbone to do it. My girlfriends husband also works on the rig and trust me when I tell you that he is cheating on you. The guy my girlfriend is married to is a great guy and thanks she hung the moon (seriously) but I hear the stories...

Good luck to you. I think you know what you need to do but you just lack your self worth and strength to do it.

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain, I have been there. Like me your opening your eyes slowly, I'm guessing God won't give us more than we can handle. Like me you said you don't think he's cheating but think think, you said he has girls phone numbers in his phone. That is cheating, cheating is anything that keeps you from being one. God ordained marriage he wanted us to become one with our partner where we are a reflection of each other and he is also cheating you of that, he is cheating his family too, robbing you of the promises of God. Some don't understand this but God has someone picked out for us and if we seek him we will find that speacial person, God loves us so much that he designed sex for husband and wife to share a unique bond with one another that we are not to share with anyone, when you sleep around you become bonded and bonded ect and why else would the divorce rate be so high. I know people who don't know what they want because they exploited themselves too much even with kissing too many people. I'm rambling on but trust me God has a vessel in heaven with your tears in it, he cares about you and hears your prayers, so pray for him to guide you and speak to your husbands heart. Your husband might just turn a complete turn around when he see's you putting your foot down. Fight for your family don't let you and your kids be robbed of what God wants for you. Your husband doesn't want you to leave, and he probally will respect you soon as you give him something to respect, it shouldn't have to be that way, he should just be good to you because you are good, but some people need cleaning up so put your foot down and don't show him your tears put your chin up high and put your foot down and your boot in his rear and he'll straighten up, he might spend a few days out there but if he has a child from another marriage I'm sure he doesnt want to pay you child support too, trust me you have the upper upper hand on this one. Relax dont fret the ball is in your court. You just have to play it right. He is doing whatever because you don't say anything. Even if he leaves for awhile so be it, he's not there anyway when he is there. Your best option is not to be his enabler anymore. Don't ever think its your fault or something is wrong with you the only thing you've done is enable him to keep on. He has identity issues,self esteem issues and maybe a drinking issue which the identity and self esteem issue will follow with that one problem. He doesn't want to leave he has a home, kids and is being taken care of and can run around all he wants why would he want to leave. In this diseased world don't let him bring nothing home to you. Remember he is gone days at a time, you don't know for sure if he's always at work. In his free time at home he's on the computer and texting. Crazy he may as well still be out there, he's not there when he's home. I feel like what everyone has told you along with mine, God is slowly getting you ready to open your eyes and be able to deal with the truth. Lots of love in these responces please just know that we are all trying to wade thru the water with you.

C., C., C.,
You dont think he is cheating on you? I am sorry to be so harsh, but, you have got to wake up here. If he is getting other womens numbers and is telling them he is divorced, HELLO!!!!!
I am sure he doesn't want you to leave, who would. He is not acting like a father or a married man. He doesn't have time for counseling because he doesn't want to make time for it.
Again, I am sorry to be so straight and forward about it, but it is what it is. You have got some strong decisions to make. Either you live this way or you dont.

why should he change when he can do as he pleases, knowing that you are waiting at home for him. sometimes the hardest thing to do is just what needs to be done. he may need an ultimatum, but don't threaten if you aren't ready, willing, and able to follow thru. his behavior is unacceptable for a married man, and you shouldn't put up with it. however, telling him to shape up or ship out won't be easy. he might even leave, but if he is the man you want him to be, and the man you deserve, he will come back when he realizes what he lost, and that you were serious. the worst thing you can do is allow him to treat you the way he is treating you now.

I know you don't want to think he is cheating on you (nobody does), but his behavior tells me thats exactly what he's doing. He's getting phone numbers and telling girls he is divorced, gone for days at a time and hours for a trip to the store and you really don't think he's cheating on you? The worst part is, it sounds like he doesn't even respect you enough to try and hide it from you. Why would you tolerate this behavior? He's using you to take care of his children and house while he is out on the town acting like a single man.

I feel so bad for you because your post sounds like you think it is OK for him to be disrespecting you, like its OK for him to be out for days at a time at the bars. The bars close at 2.. where do you think he is for the two days after he goes to the bar? This behavior is so unhealthy in a marriage, you husband should not be out at the bar without you. If i were you I'd be gone, but that is me and I'm not living in your situation so I don't know it personally.

Please talk to someone who can convince you that you are not a doormat and that you deserve a man's respect and love. Your husband is treating you horribly, no woman should ever put up with that and your children most certainly do not need to see that because they will end up living in the same self destructive lifestyle that you are in.

This is not a good situation for you. Your husband is taking advantage of you and you need to talk to him ASAP. Do you go to church together? Churches often offer counseling for couples. Otherwise, you must get him to go to marriage counseling with you . If he won't, get counseling on your own.It is disturbing that he tells women that he is divorced. You can't function as a good mother in the upset state you are in. I would suggest telling him that if he does not talk to you about the marriage, you will start making plans to end it. Take care. J. K.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think a good marriage counselor could help you work through this. Even if your husband can't go, you should try to go so you can get the help and support you need during this time. If he is getting phone numbers from girls and staying away from home all the time, he is probably on his way to having an affair if he hasn't already. But I believe any marriage can be saved! I've seen couples who were separated for years come back together with good counseling. Call a church or trusted friend for a referral. There is no easy answer and counseling takes time. Marriage is work, and I know it is hard when you have 2 little ones consuming your time and energy. Good luck!

C.,

I believe that you are a good person, but if you believe for a second that you have nothing to do with your relationship falling apart, then you will NEVER be able to make it work. It takes two to make it and two to break it. Maybe you dont nag or try to control him, but maybe thats the "problem." Not that anyone would want to be controlled, but maybe you are too indifferent to him. Perhaps you come across as uncaring. You want to give him freedom and that is great, but do you ever let him know you want to be with him? Have you ever planned a date? A movie night? Done something you know he'd love to do? Or do you just expect him to do a 180 and start wooing you and courting you?

I dont want you to think that I am not being insensitive. I was in a relationship with a man that I am still in love with and want to be with. He cheated on me through my pregnancy with my son and I had to find out indirectly that he cheated. He never came to me and admitted it. Was I hurt? Yes. Am I still coping with the pain? Yes. Did I feel like I didnt deserve it; that I had been nothing but loving and accepting? Yes. I had let him go out and do whatever he wanted because he was still in school and I was working, so I thought "why should you not go out if im gonna be asleep anyway." But he cheated anyway. We worked on the relationship for a year and a half after that and this April decided to take a break. I dont know if we will get back together, but I know that if we stand a chance, then this separation needed to happen.

I said all that to tell you a few things:
1. He is cheating on you. The fact that he doesnt come home, you know that he hits on women and tells them he's divorced is enough for you to know that he's cheating. He's not hiding it, because it is his way of trying to test your love for him. Cheating is a result of a relationship that is dying. It is how some people cry out for help because they dont know any other way. But it's not right and you dont need to take it. Y'all need to get help
2. You need to take responsibility for your role in the relationship. You cant change anyone but you. What did you used to do when you first met that you dont do anymore? Did you used to be independent, outgoing and carefree and now you are reserved, dependent and a hermit in your house?

there is a book called "Marriage Fitness" by Mort Fertel. I recommend it because he teaches you how to restore your relationship, singlehandedly if you need to.

Dont listen to the women who tell you to leave your husband and how he's no good and all of that ridiculous garbage. If he isnt beating you or verbally abusing you or putting you or your children in physical or mental danger than the relationship can be salvaged. You said you love him more than anything and his current actions are his cry for help. Something is going on and he doesnt know how to talk about it or cope with it. You need to step up and talk. It doesnt sound like you have even tried to talk to him.

He may be to busy for counseling, but maybe right now you need individual counseling. Change has to start NOW and sometimes it wont happen at the same time for both of you. Dont wait on him to start fixing things.

Hope that helped

Sweetie, get some counseling for yourself. You are a good person, good wife, good mother. You need qualified person to talk to, who will be supportive and lead you in the best way to help yourself. A counselor will help you learn how to best care for yourself so you can take the best care of your kids. You can get better whether your husband attends or not. You will know you have a good "fit" with the person if you come away from the first meeting feeling like they are an old friend or someone you've known forever. If you don't "click", choose another til you find someone you'll love. The more you learn to trust the therapist, the more empowered you will feel and will know how to make the most informed decisions about your marriage. Your husband leaving for the store, not returning for hours or being gone for days is unacceptable. Many people have stressful jobs, but that doesn't give them the right to be unreliable/irresponsible/disrespectful to you. The children are learning that is what defines a dad. That a mom deserves to be mistreated that way because she is not worth much. That's not what anyone wants their children to learn. I have had Great guidance from therapists over the years. They will guide you in the safest, most supportive way. It was common for me to leave a session and sit in my car and cry in relief that I was not a bad, stupid, ugly person because my husband and I were not communicating in a way that was most constructive. Sweetie, I can almost hear your heart breaking. Don't let another day go by without calling for an appt and getting the emotional support you need. Don't let opinions of friends/family make you think that you must divorce or get on meds/refuse meds. Give a therapist the opportunity help you make the decisions that will be most compatible with your situation and personalities. If he is abusive to you or the children, they'll tell you just what to do and where to go for safety. Many other moms feel your pain. I am praying for you. You are not alone. Love, C.

It's sad to hear that a young mother with little ones is so upset. Hopefully you are in better spirits now. I feel that you and your husband need to talk. Be firm and ask him directly what's going on. He's being distant with you and that's not okay, you deserve to know what's going on so you can move on with your life. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. I know this may be difficult but I suspect he may be straying. Infidelity usually tends to reveal itself in other ways such as behavior changes. Hang in there even if it means staying with family for a few days to let him know you're serious and won't tolerate this treatment. I wish you strength. :)

Leave him...see how long it takes him to become a 'talker' when it comes to his feelings. You will know within the first 24 hours.

C., I am sure you have received plenty advice by now, however I can’t help but still respond. I too went through a similar situation, as many of us have, and know what that wrenching knot in your stomach and heart feels like. Here is what I can tell you…it isn’t YOU! It isn’t even that he doesn’t love you as I am sure he does. However right now he isn’t seeing you at all. To him right now you are a mom who is weak, pathetic , a desperate doormat who has no back bone, opinion or thought outside of him. Other women right now are more exciting and fun and carefree, for now that is. What he doesn’t realize yet is that he has it backwards as he is the weak one. A man who obviously feels he is owed what he may have missed out on earlier and now thinks he can have both. Don’t let him. You don’t deserve that and neither do your children. The responsibility of marriage is not limited to financials and in the grander scheme of things it becomes much smaller to communication, trust and support. All of which require hard work and commitment from BOTH parties. He has apparently removed himself of those responsibilities. Work stresses him out? What about your work at home?? Give yourself some credit here! With the exception of my older two I had my girls 1 yr apart as well and you talk about stress! He is not the only one who deserves a break here. Don’t make excuses for him and don’t justify the situation like I did, for 11 years to be exact. My best guess is you are in love with the man in your memories and that feeling of happiness you remember thinking would last forever because it was that wonderful. Yet the reality is it really is a memory and not the reality today and that is what you have to face. You won’t stop mourning for a while, especially because of the kids, but that is ok. Feel sorry for him not yourself. Pick yourself up and make those tough decisions and know you can do it. Remain the good woman and mother you know you are as there is no need to allow him to take that away from you too. I never made things ugly or difficult didn’t rant or rave or even ask why, because they don’t know. I simply made up my mind that I was worth more, deserved more and wanted more in a man and as my own woman. I still cried, still wanted to give chances, still asked myself all of the why questions but that is part of the mourning process and in time it does get better, it WILL get better and both you and your children will be better for it. He will eventually regret it and be sorry and you can feel sorry for him too but words are words. Unless he is willing to take drastic action and it doesn’t seem like he does, you will need to take it yourself. Very soon! There is always a light at the end of the tunnel C. and you will find it. I was single for almost 10 years and recently married a wonderful man. When you make that decision to begin healing rather than wallowing your options are endless. More importantly, suddenly you aren’t alone!

Sweety, you haven't done anything to cause him to be this way. It sounds like he is fighting his own demons. Maybe you have given him way too much freedom. He gets to do whatever he wants, and you never nag, but how often do you get to just do whatever you want? He is a grown man with a family, and it sounds to me like he doesn't want that. He just needs to grow up and assume the responsibility he has to his family that you all deserve in a father and husband.

Sweetheart, first of all stop blaming yourself. My best friend's husband works on an oil rig too. One week on and one week off. They have had similar problems in the past. In his case it turned out to be drugs that caused his behavior to worsen. He said that even his driller did drugs. I don't believe anything is over yet, especially if you don't want it to be. My friend has been married to her hubby for 7 years and it has been a rocky road at times, But through her faith in the Lord and the fact that her hubby wasn't a bad guy either, he just chose the not-so-smart road too often, there marriage has done a complete 360. He would be gone all night long and even days at a time too. He would say he was going to the store and just not come back. They have two kids together as well. He doesn't even drink now. Theres a book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian. This book has helped my friend and myself learn how to pray effectively for our husbands. Since the first time we read this book and started doing the prayers both of our lives and marriages are very different in positive ways. The Lord does not give anyone any circumstance, addiction or whatever that he knows they can't overcome. They have to choose to depend on him and they will make it thru. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just read this book one day do the prayers and everything was better the next day. It takes time but it does work. In my friends case, she started doing the prayers and things got worse, I mean real bad. But then after 6 months of doing these prayers fervently her husband snapped out of his daze that he was in. He attended counseling and still does. He has been doing this for 10 months now. I believe that the Lord heals those who ask and will let him. If your husband however doesn't seem to impprove after doing these prayers for awhile, and divorce is what happens. God says that "life is not fair but I'm fair" and he promises to take care of you no matter your circumstances. Hang in there honey. Keep your faith and rely completely on the Lord. He will save you.God Bless!

Hi C.,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are having to go through. Just looking form the outside in based on what you have said, I would have to say that part of the porblem is that you make it too easy for him to do this to you. You say you do not nag or B***H and that you allow him to go out with the buddies. Perhaps you should start to nag and B***H and see what his reaction would be. Don't fall into the trap that just because you are nice and allow him to live his life that he will return the favor and be a great husband. You are only setting yourself up for disaster. Once you get your confidence back that you are worth staying home with to watch a movie or to take you out on a date by nagging at him and being a B***H and demanding that he grow up and be a man, will he even see that you will not be taking this no longer. If he wants to be with his family enough and sees that he may lose it will he open his eyes and realize that he needs to change his ways. But, he will not see it on his own if you allow this to continue. You are only allowing him to be comfortable with that lifestyle and then be able to come home to fulfill his need of family too.
Another thing, if your man says he is going to the store and does not come back for hours, that is a true sign that there is much more than a visit to the store. Protect yourself and your family and get yourself strong and become aware.

It bother's me to see you blaming yourself. You can't straightened this out by yourself. He is obviously withdrawn for some reason and he isn't sharing with you what's on his mind. Maybe you could ask for a few minutes of his time, explain what your feeling, and ask him to take time out of his schedule to go to counciling. If he doesn't want to do that then schedule an appointment for yourself. I'm sorry that your going through this. Marriage is tough sometimes and I will be praying for you and your family! God Bless!

Dear C.,

You have all the facts (or enough of them, anyway). You know what you see. But you are still scared to death to confront him, still feel helpless to stop the pain, still can't come to grips with what has happened. Sound familiar? That was not your situation I just described...that was mine. I just happen to be a little bit further down the same process you are going through.

I know that MANY other women have said this, but I'm going to be blunt - he is cheating on you. The really bad part is, he's not bothering to hide it anymore. I can empathize with how painful that is, that the man you've devoted your life and love to doesn't seem to care that he's trampling you into the ground. And even if he isn't physically sleeping with other women, his callous disregard for you as his wife and the mother of his children is cheating enough.

I have a feeling that this is the part you are probably having trouble with. You know the situation is wrong. You know it has to stop, has to change. But you don't know how to go about it. That was exactly where I had trouble. The truth is, I had trouble with it for years. For at least 3 years before I finally got divorced, I actually had at least 12 of his girlfriends email me and tell me what he'd done with them and with others...and then apologize to me because he'd told them he was divorced and they had no clue otherwise. So I didn't even have the excuse of not knowing for sure, because I did. My courage still failed me when it came time to make the rubber meet the road. I think my biggest fear was of having been that wrong, for that long. I couldn't deal with the thought of having been that incorrect of my assessment of his character.

Unfortunately, in my cowardice I ultimately delivered the kiss of death to our marriage. Yes, he cheated on me and yes, he was in the wrong, but it was I who failed to stand up for myself. It was I who did not respect myself enough to make him respect me. Now, please don't read that as saying that he had any right to do what he did, because he didn't. Yours doesn't either. But had I stood up and refused to allow him to treat me that way, I might have regained some of the respect for me that he seemed to have lost. In short, it might have saved our marriage. In cowering down and being too afraid to stand up for myself, his disrespect for me grew by leaps and bounds until our marriage was so far gone it was unrecoverable.

If you want to save your marriage (or even if you don't), you need to make a stand now. It's obvious that the stress and heartache of this situation is completely consuming you. Don't let it consume you until there is nothing left. Make him believe that YOU believe in you. There is no guarantee that it will save your marriage...it might already be too far gone. Without knowing the two of you personally it would be impossible to even offer an opinion on that. But you have everything to gain by making a stand, by showing him the strong woman he once knew and fell in love with. Even if it doesn't ultimately save your marriage, you will be in a better place mentally and emotionally. I spent too long in the darkness of cowardice and self-doubt. Don't make the same mistake. Take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and step into the light of courage. You will never be sorry that you did.

Dear Sweet C.,

First, your non-eating, crying and heart hurting are simply due to your heart breaking, you are depressed, and for good reason. I was married for 24 1/2 years, our marriage was a rare one these days, it ended in love as it began, til death do us part. I have no idea of your Faith, but my first suggestion is to PRAY!

You seem to have accepted in your own mind the reality of most of what is going on, there may be a little denial still present in the matter of him not cheating on you. A man who drinks and stays away, calls women, tells them he is divorce-regardless if he has actually had sex with any other woman, in his heart he has cheated. His wife-YOU shoud be the ONLY woman he is thinking of, talking to, or anything else with. Other than mom, sisters and platonic friendships, which does not include being on a 3day binge run. The drinking is a major flag--Iam not accusing him of being an alcoholic--but it definately signals a problem the way you have described his drinking.

YOU and your children deserve much better, you deserve respect from your husband and out of LOVE for you and the kids, he should want to come home. You in my opinion should step up with strength and courage and let him know you need some time to talk. I mean really talk. You need to be very stern and flat tell him, if he wants to save this marriage He has to make it a priority. The sooner the better. If he is working alot these next few days, weeks, try writing him a note. Put in your letter, the way you feel, the problems you see and that his behavior and lack of respect and concern for you are breaking your heart and if he cares about you and your marriage at all he will put aside his selfish desires and come home and have a heart to heart talk with his wife.

Again, if you believe in The Lord, PRAY, ask for guidance, direction and His will in this matter. My prayers and thoughts are with you. God Bless You.

I am so sorry for your troubles. Maybe with all the kids, he's felt a little neglected. Understandably your are busier now than before. I don't know. It could be that excuse of a mid-life crises - which I think is just an excuse. But, keep reaching out to him. Show him lots of RESPECT and attention. But, not the annoying, fake kind. Don't look pitiful either - that's not attractive to men. Make him want to come home to you. Get a babysitter! Hopefully, the more he's around, the more he'll open up. And most of all, pray hard! Do you have a pastor that could stop by and visit with him? I am sorry for your troubles. Do everything in your power to save this marriage. That way you will have no regrets.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I've been where you are and I know the pain and frustration of being married to the oil field. I don't know of anyone in that has been where you are and been able to pull the relationship out of the trash. The oilfield has such a hold on the guys and it's like they prefer it that way. If your husband isn't doming home,is getting numbers, etc....he's cheating. He may say he loves you, but there is no way that he respects you or your children. I had to divorce the whole thing and my ex hasn't changed one bit. In fact, he's even gotten worse over time. I hate to see any marriage break up....but I hate to see a woman and family being strung along just as much. You have to put your foot down about what you are willing to tolerate, if you ever allow it once, they think it's okay from then on, and what he is doing, is not okay. If he is willing to try to do better and be there for you and the kids, then you know you have something to salvage, but if he expects you to just deal with whatever he does, then he's not willing to do what it takes to make things work. In the end, you are the one that has to make this decision, just don't let the situation suck you dry before you decide to do something, you still have kids to be there for and you need to not lose your sense of self worth. Even if he won't or can't go to counseling, you can go and get ideas of ways to try and reach him and help the relationship from your end. Do everything you can to save it and then if things don't work out, you'll be able to be at peace about your decision. Take care and God bless.
A.

C.,

I'm so sorry for what your going thru. I hate to tell you this but I'm pretty sure he IS cheating. A man NOT cheating does not get other womens phone numbers and tells them he's divorced nor do they go to the store and stay gone for hours. As his wife, YES you can tell him you don't want him to go out. It's not right. My brothers first wife was the same way. She never told him no he couldn't go out with the guys. Well, my brother met someone else and left my SIL. And your husbands buddy? He's only looking out for your husband and not you.

Your husbands duty is to work and provide for his family and be HOME when he's not. You need to re-evaluate your situation, pray and ask God what He would have you to do.

Good luck!!

Hi Candace,

Find yourself, girl. What do you want? Is this how you want your marraige to look? Is this what you want your daughters to see as marraige? Is this what you want your sons to see as marraige? Sit down and tell your husband that this isn't working for you right now. Ask him matter-of-factly what he wants. It's time for the two of you to reevaluate your lives. You only live once. Don't be a doormat. You don't have to get up in his face and go off on him - but you can, and are allowed to, tell him what you want and if he can't provide that, you have the right to go get it yourself. He is making his own decisions. You can make yours and hopefully you will do what is best for you and your family. Don't look back on your life 20 years from now and realize you wasted your youth on someone who has very little regard for you. That's not love. And don't regret it when your daughter becomes a doormat for some loser.

Get yourself some support from family, friends, wherever you can and figure out what you want. Love yourself and your kids. Chances are, when you do, he'll figure his stuff out very quickly.

You're young. Young women always think that men are so strong and we are so weak. You will realize that women are so much stronger as you get older and life happens. Now I feel as though I am the rock in my marraige. I have realized that when the hard stuff happens, it's me that will take care of it all. And I think most women realize this as they get older. I'm 43.

When you get this all straightened out, you ask yourself why you tolerated this for so long. You will be fine one day whatever you decide to do.

Best of luck!

Dear C..

Obviously something is going on with him. What I couldn't tell you. My husband is also in the oil fields. When our girls were born he was only home one week a month. This went
on for seven years. He called me at least once a day. He was
a company man for Amaco so it all fell on his shoulders if anything went wrong. He was also under alot of stress. He hated having to leave us & it was even harder on him when the girls were small. He missed me so much that he even wrote me
a poem. I still have it after all these years (20)! When he
came home he didn't want to go anywhere. He would help me out around the house & take care of the kids to give me a break. I spent time out on the rig with him sometimes & it is a different world. Most of the roughnecks were single. I
don't know if that's the case with you but they could be in-
fluencing him & not in a good way. I would let him know how
serious this is to you & how unhappy you are. All you want is
answers - not too much to ask! I understand how hard it is to
have to be alone, especially with small children. It can take
a toll on you. If he won't go to counceling - then you go.
You might look into a mother's day out program so you can have
a little time for yourself - you NEED it! Talk to family or a
minister. Prayer worked wonders for me - it does work. I'll
pray for you & your family. Good luck sweetie.

C.

C., I am sorry that you have to go thru this. I do not want to hurt you more, but with your husband acting the way he does, knowing form my experience, he is cheating. It hurt's to hear and read it, but don't be fooled. You have children to think about, think about all the STDS that are out there. Schedule an appointment to go to counseling, for a day you know he is availabe, tell him up-front, he could even take a day off for the start,some counselors are willing to schedule evening hours, so schedule an appointment and go, even if he does not go, you need to talk to some one who can help you. I hope this helps!!!

A.

sounds like he's cheating to me! be up front with him and tell him how you feel, if he does'nt want to change the way he's been or just does not want to be with you anymore, let it go and take care of you and your kids. Ask him if he would go to a marriage counselor they sometimes help. just research to find a good one. Your young and if it does not work out, their are of more fish in the sea. I know that's rough advice but it's harder on you to be sitting around crying all the time and i'm sure it's not good on the kids either. communication is the key though.

C.,
It could very well be the fact that he is working away from home. My son changed a lot and he was working in a conflict area for months at a time.
During the Rhodesian Bush War when the men went to fight 6 weeks in the army and 6 weeks out, many marriages unfortunately disintegrated.
I think your best bet would be to ask him if he would accompany you to marriage guidance counseling - and if he will, your marriage has hope. If he doesn't recognize that there is a problem and the problem lies with him, then it may be time to re-consider your options.
Also visit http://www.drirene.com
Life is very short and you don't want to be frittering the best days of your life away hoping for someone to change - unless of course he wants to go for help.
All the best
Jewel

C., I am sympathize for you being in the marriage but sometimes marriage goes through growing pains. But communication is very very important. And even though he works alot, you have to maintain the respect that you deserve regardless of what he is going through. You have to tell him what you will not accept and if his reactions are hurting you. Even if you have to write it down or email it to him. He needs to know how you feel if you want to be able to fix what is broken. Don't neglect your feelings or lose your self-esteem because he cannot communicate what he is going through. Staying out all night is not acceptable in your marriage. Take a trip to your parents or relatives for a few days so he can realize what he is missing.

C.,
If your husband is going to bars, talking to other women, going so far as to tell them that he is divorced, and goes missing for extended periods of time, in my book, that IS cheating! I was once in a similar relationship and can understand how you feel. I've also cried for days at a time over a man that didn't reciprocate the love. First and foremost, I would pray that God would guide you to make the best decision for you and your children. Now, I hate to advocate divorce, but in my situation it was the best thing for my daughter and me. It took a couple of years but I later met a wonderful man that doesn't go "out with the guys" without me, loves spending time with his family and thinks that talking to or spending any amount of time with someone of the opposite sex would be cheating. I was very fortunate to be blessed with such a wonderful husband and father the second time around. He even adopted my daughter when we married! I only tell you this because I know from experience that you can find someone amazing out there that will love you for the wonderful person that you are! You can and should be in a marriage that abounds with love, and not only for you, but for your children! Whether we adults realize it or not, our children are watching us and how we live out our everyday lives. Do you want your children to grow up believing that this is the best example of a healthy relationship only later for them to repeat that behavior perpetuating a life of choices that end in despair? What do you want to teach them? That it's okay for them (or their future spouse) to run around all over town leaving family at home, lonely and crying? Or that having a family and a spouse is a privilege; a precious prize that they are blessed to have acquired? I believe that God can heal relationships and hope only for the best for you and your husband. I also believe that sometimes He has other plans for us! I will be praying for you and your family!

Good luck and God bless!

J.

Why are you allowing this to happen? Please remember that your children see this and how he is treating you is how your children will either be treated or will treat their spouse.

This screams "sleeping around" all over it! Gone 3 days at a time, not spending time with you, getting other girls numbers and your not saying anything? Do you want him to think you're a door mat and he can just walk all over you?

I can see that you have had a ton of responces, and I'm certain that 1/2 of them if not all of them are telling you that he is cheating on you. This could be true, or it could be his need for attention and validation. I don't know anyone that doesn't want to be noticed by the opposite sex. Some people just take it too far. I personnally would not put up with this in either case. It is juveniel and he needs to grow up. I would just simply lay down the law and stad up for yourself and your children. These actions are taking away from their time with him too. I would stop the Devorce nonsence NOW! That is just belatenly disrespectful. He needs to whatch what he wishes for.
I would also strongly suggest that you seek counseling for yourself. It will help you learn to communicate with him and give you more tools to deal with these sorts of things.
I would also suggest that you leave the kids with a friends or relative and either go out with him or go out with the girls. You need some time to rediscover yourself and the women that he fell in love with. We all change when we have children, women more than men I believe. It is important to keep in touch with ourselves and the rest will fall into place.
I do hope for your sake that he is not cheating, but I would not welcome him into my bed one more day before you are 150% sure that he is not and has not cheated. We are not only talking about your heart here. We are also talking about your health. If he has cheated, who knows what he could be bringing to your bed.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope it all works out for the best.

C.,

Whether it is drugs or women. He has or depression. his priorities just aren't in the right place.
He is a grown man, if he chooses to abandon your marriage, like this he is making the decision for you.
Find a good attorney.
Make sure, you find an attorney that is going to go after him, because you need to find out just what is he is into.
Divorce involving children isn't easy.
Apologizing in advance for those offended:
Watching your child get into the car with this lying, cheating, junkie, and his crack hoe. Driving away to god only knows where, to do god only knows what. For the allotted time. Set by some judge, that really never gets the whole picture.
IS HARD, I HAD NIGHTMARES.

Could your husband have a drinking problem? Some guys can handle drinking with their buddies without it interfering in their lives & relationships, but some can't.

Maybe check out an Alanon meeting in your area for support: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Even if he won't go to couple's counseling definitely make an appointment to go by yourself.

You both need to go to a marriage counselor. If you both don't seek help,then things will only get worse. If he cares enough,he will make time to go to counseling with you. My first marriage was like yours and we ended up divorcing. He chose his friends and going out over me. I knew it was time to end things.This situation is not fair to you or your children at all. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you two can get things worked out.

Your story was pretty much my own for the first 4-5 years of our marriage.
My husband was withdrawn and distant. He doesn't talk about feelings either, so getting him to open up and tell me what I did wrong, wasn't happening. He'd be on the computer, or out, or just wouldn't talk. To him, our relatinoship was fine, even though the intimacy was gone too.
Looking back, it all connected to his job. We were tight on money (I didn't know to the extent of how bad it was) and he was withdrawing because to him, he was letting me down as a Husband and provider. So what could I possibly want with him? So he pushed me away...made it easier to swallow I guess.
From my experience, guys are very fragile when it comes to their manhood, jobs, careers and homelife. If something is wrong, even the tiniest, they'll withdraw to their "cave" so to speak to figure it out on their own. With my husband it was 4-5 yrs I had to deal with...and I'm sorry to say I wasn't strong enough at some point...
But I'm still here, sad as it may seem, and I still cry for the man I married, not the man I've got now. But i guess with marriage comes unwanted change. I'd be happy going back in time to get that man back, but if I did that, I wouldn't have my daughter now.
May I suggest reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It gave me some insight into him...and I think it'll work for you. I'm trying to be very optimistic here...but i have a sneaky suspicion he's keeping a door open for new prospects...the "we're divorced" and giving out and receiving phone numbers is only done by a man who is wanting and thinking about cheating, if he already isn't. And his friend is being just that, a friend. he's not going to rat out your hubby, he's gonna take his side...
Good luck with this...and I would try to see counselling, however I know what you mean when you say he works all the time, I don't see how. My hubby is the same way...
We take it one day at a time now, because i've grown resentful that he couldn't come to me when he was at his lowest. To me Marriage is two. Through thickness and thin, better or worse... And at some point, he forgot those vows...I just wish, he'd have seen me the way I always saw him---somebody that could help even when you don't think they can or couldn't possibly understand what you're going through.
I sincerely wish you good luck...this kind of emotional torture i wouldn't wish on anyone. My thoughts are with you...

Honey, wake up and smell the coffee!! This man is cheating on you. I have been through the same thing some years ago. He wants his cake and eat it too. You just need to take those kids and go somewhere else. DO NOT sit there and let this happen to you and your children. You deserve to be treated better than that. You need to give him a choice and be very serious about it. Good Luck!! You are in my prayers.

I am sorry you are going through this. I know how hurt your must feel. My husband feels like I am not affectionate enough with him and that is a cause for arguments quite often. I don't realize I am not giving him enough attention, but with kids, it is hard to find time together. You may be so hurt and at the point that you don't feel like showing affection either. Our pastor did a sermon recently about what a woman could do to improve their marriage relationship. He listed 4 needs of a man:
the need for companionship, praise for his work, supportivness and AFFECTION. After the sermon, my husband talked with me about it and said he wished I could do more of these things too. I never realized I did not. I sometimes think a man is like a child- they need a lot of attention, love and encouragement. You would never think that because a lot of men act tough and don't show much emotion.
Anyway, maybe there is a way you could take a day or two to spend together alone. Maybe check in to a hotel or have family keep the kids. Try planning some time to do something special together and try to shower him with attention. If you really love him and want to save your relationship, I would try something like that. But if you are too hurt and don't feel like you can show love and affection anymore, it might be best to talk about separating. It might help both of you see if you want to stay together and it might relieve some stress for you. Good luck. I hope things work out. L.

Sounds like your husband is acting like a single male. Even if he doesn't intend it (and even if it hasn't happened yet) the more he goes out and parties, drinks excessively, etc. he's going to end up cheating on you. Demand joint counseling or if you are members of a church have the pastor/minister counsel. At the minimum, for your own health, quit having sex with him b/c you don't really know who or what he's been with and with 3 kids to raise you need to keep your health for them. Also, it's probably a good idea to start preparing for divorce (even if you don't follow through), by getting financial paperwork together, a cash reserve tucked away, documentation of his behavior, etc.

C.,
Please do not feel that it is something that you have done to push him away after reading your note - this completely falls on your husband and his choice to spend time away from the family instead with the family. You have small children and he should be there to help you out (even if you stay at home while he works). The responsibility for the children falls on both parents - not just one.

Please take the opportunity to look into or read boundaries in marriage. As much as it hurts you need to set some healthy boundaries in your marriage. It is absolutely unacceptable that he goes out "drinking the guys" and doesn't come home for days. You are priceless and precious and God did not intend for marriage to be this way. Your husband needs to wake up before you are not around. If he is stressed then tell him to run – it sure helps with stress. Bad things happen to good people this is true and relationships are difficult but more so in your case since your husband doesn't want to talk about feelings. You should both go for marriage counseling to help you walk through this. I am praying that you will find the right balance and be able to set boundaries in your marriage. P.S. Asking your husband to be a husband is not nagging but by allowing him to run about as if he were single only opens the door to possible problems. I know you are lonely and scared but you can get through this – please seek counseling – it will help you!

hmmm...harsh reality time...I do not care what sort of outlet going out with the guys is, if he is chatting up other women and telling them he is divorced, I would consider THAT a warning sign that something is VERY wrong.

Counselors have a lot of availability due to people having such crazy schedules and some even have weekend hours. I would do some research. However, if he is constantly making excuses not to go, confront him. Ask him if working on saving your marriage and lives you've built together is worth a bit of inconvenience on his part. If his answer is no, then you know he is not willing to work things out.

His friend telling you that your husband still loves you, but work is stressful sounds like someone who knows the real story but feels put on the spot, as it should be your husband explaining things to you. Your husband very well could still love you without the being in love. I love many of my friends dearly, but would not be married to them.

The thing is, in a marriage there are periods where the in love part takes a back seat to other things going on in life. And husbands and wives find themselves more like good friends or roommates. The challenge is to find ways over that hump so that you can get back to that in love place so your family is back in balance.

Plus people grow and change over time. At some points it makes being married more challenging as one spouse feels left out, or left behind in the process. This doesn't mean that things will be this way forever, but the adjustment process is sometimes very difficult for one or both. The key is to work together to figure out how the changes fit into both of your lives.

Do I think your marriage is salvageable. From your side, yes. But there is not enough information on his side to know for sure. You need to sit him down and tell him what you are feeling and where it is leading and how can the two of you work together to fix what has become increasingly hurtful.

My heart goes out to your predicament. I sincerely hope things work out for you and your spouse.

Good Luck... ;-)

oh tell him how you feel. tell him what you want. See what he really wants. Talk is cheap remember that. He may keep telling you VERBALLY he wants one thing but if his ACTIONS show something else it may be time to move on. Definetly try to work it out because you are married. The kids deserve better. And you definetly deserve better. Your body is telling you!! Don't take it lightly this is not good for you. The kids can sense or see what is going on also.They know and are seeing that what he is doing is acceptable. What he is doing is not love.

Me and my hubby have had the worst misfortunes and stress this last year. Nonstop. Never has he had an excuse to go do something so horrible to our family. People make mistakes but the oil field or 14 hour days is no excuse.

dear, he is cheating!!! whether it is with another women or just hanging out with his friends or on the computer. He is cheating you out of your time together as a family and a couple. Maybe you letting him do anything he wnats with aout telling you or answering any questions is why he can do what he is doing. Any married person that can't or doesn't think they should have to tell (report to or what ever you want to call it)their partner where they are going and what they are doing is not a good parnter. When you said "Ido" you both committed to the OTHER PERSON. You are no longer two individuals you are a couple. You need couseling and even if you think or know he won't do it, YOU need it. If he won't go, then he is hiding something. My husband was the same way and when I demanded that he tell me where he was going and call me if he went some where else, it caused a seperation, but what I found out is that there was cheating going on. For years we fought and finally we divorced. Now five years after the divorce we are back together with him having a better and clearer understanding that the NORMAL husband does not act this way. Now he calls when he goea somewhere after work, he calls when he leaves thatplace. Things are not perfect,but the one thing I regret is not putting my foot down sooner. It caused a lot of hurt, my children hurting the most. You can't hide it from them, they know when you are sad and depressed. No one should be treated like that. Get help, go to your church, if you don't have one get one, I'm telling you the church was my refuse. My priest counselled me and later him. I will pray for you.

Girl you need to leave him. It's obvious to everyone but you. I know your looking for excuses, but it's just to obvious. He is being self absorbed and your taking care of the kids. You are only 26, and you deserve to be happy. Don't think that if you leave you won't be happier because there is someone for everyone.

He doesn't come home at night, he's getting other women's phone numbers, and even when he's home he's constantly texting or emailing someone else. Honey, I'm sorry, but he's cheating on you. Even if he's not in a physical relationship with someone else--and I'm sure he is--he's definitely developing a relationship (or more than one) with someone else at the expense of YOUR relationship with him. And that's cheating. For pete's sake, he's telling other women he's DIVORCED. That's not the act of a man who's just stressed and still loves you.

He's no longer treating you like his wife. You're his nanny and his servant--you take care of his kids, clean his house, cook his meals, etc. I really doubt there's much you can do at this point to save the marriage--it sounds like it's probably too far gone. And it won't--it absolutely WILL NOT--be saved if he won't go to counseling with you. Ask him, and if he says no, go yourself. Hopefully your counselor will help you regain your own confidence and self-respect so you can get yourself and your children out of such a bad relationship.

I think you should definitely tell him how you feel. Obviously not in an angry voice or accusatory, and don't say "Why do you" because that can put him on the defensive. But tell him that you understand his job is stressful and he needs some release time but that you feel like you've lost your husband. Don't ask him if he wants a divorce, because in anger he may say yes. But tell him that you married a wonderful man and love him deeply and feel lonely and hurt because your husband is in another place, even while at home!!

I wish you all the best. If you can get open communication with him then you can mention the flirting and lying to the women (which is not innocent and COULD lead to affairs if it hasn't already.) But that will definitely put him on the defensive so you want to open the lines of communication well before bringing that point up.

I made that mistake once before and my husband told me that he just won't tell me he's having lunch with a woman from work anymore (not stop doing it, just not tell me about it.)

I trust my husband, but he's just as capable of having an affair as the many other devoted husbands who strayed from the home...

S., mom to four girls ages 1-5!

If you really want to stay with him then you should both go to counceling. I seriously doubt that he is being faithful. All the signs are there and you see them but you ignore them. I am 43 and I went thru the same with my husband of 16 years. You are young so if you need to get out do it soon. I know you love him but I guarantee that your love will turn to resentment and you may even end up hating him. If he was not cheating he would take you with him when he goes out. He may have a drinking problem.

To say this nicely you need to leave him for the sack of your kids! You don't deserve to be treated like this and you need to find someone you will treat you right. And of course as soon as you say your leaving he'll probably do the I'll change bit but come on we know men way to much to know they won't change or they will only change for a little bit till they think your comfortable with things again then go back to there ways! Good Luck!

Open your eyes, he IS cheating on you, but denying you love, attention and support. It took me 8 years to realize that, don't waste any more of your time and dump the loser. I left my alcoholic husband because his words didn't mean anything his actions spoke volumes, total disinterest in family life and responsibilites. My son was 6 months running a fever, my husband did not want to come with me to the ER! He wanted to stay in bed, can you believe it. I took a lot of s..t along the way, it's over and we are not living together 7 months now and it's great, I am getting my self-esteem back.

First you have to decide if you want your marriage to work. Then if so make some changes. Of course there are no guarantees, but for at least six months do your best not to show anger or sadness. Be upbeat. You will have to fake it most of the time, but don't let him see you down. When he comes home say "I'm glad your home" or "Hi Honey" Find something that interests you. Don't let your situation be your all in all. Keep a smile on your face. He may get courious and wonder whats going on. Treat him with honor and make life as pleasant for him as you can. If you can go to counciling for yourself. And I may be way off base here, but be careful about his friend. I have known "friends" that have made situations worse, because they have their own agenda.

The stress of a busy job, and a baby in the house can really add up for both of you. It is so important for you to have special "couple time". Even just 20 minutes a day can do wonders. If he's out of town for work, then have a 20 minute, uninterrupted phone conversation. Don't talk about the kids, or money, or honey-do's; just talk about you and him. Tell him a joke you heard that day, or ask him about any funny stories he might have about work. You can't make yourself physically ill over the situation because it's not helping your marriage, and your kids need you to be strong for them. Make your husband know how very important it is for you to work on your marriage together, and get his input on ways to do that. Marriages are continually evolving and changing as the circumstances around us change, so "This, too, shall pass." It doesn't necessarily mean it has to be over, so don't let anyone talk you into separating or divorce if you know there is still a relationship worth fighting for. If he had cancer, or he lost his job, or lost his memory, you'd stand by him and fight for your life together. So this is a difficult time for him for another reason. Stick it out, but take care of yourself in the meantime, as well as your kids. I guarantee that if you're noticing something's wrong, they do too. Even if they're not saying so.
W.

Hello. I think that you guys really need to sit down and discuss things and I mean soon. Sounds like things are getting out of control (I don't understand why he would tell women that he's divorced...?)Confronting him with you feelings about how things are going between you two shouldn't make you feel like you're a nag. I hope that everything goes well for you and your family.

I don't know how many clues you need, but he IS CHEATING on you! Maybe you should nag more and not let him get away with so much because you are now a door mat who lets him come and go as he pleases. Why are you okay with him not coming home to his FAMILY for days in a row and telling females he is divorced! If you know all if this about him, why do you stay and put yourself or your kids through all of this? Also, his best friend is the last person you should be asking for advice! The best friend will ALWAYS help his friend have his cake and eat it too! Don't be a doormat! Take your kids and go! Move on for all your sakes!!! ALL the signs are staring you in the face and listed in the request you sent out! Good Luck!

I had a similiar situation with my spouse. It started when I was pregnant, about 7 months. Everything was fine until then. The pregnancy was planned so it was no surprise to him. It started as going out 1-2 nights a week. I, like you never said anything at first, once it progressed to 3-5 nights, he would turn off his phone and not come home. He would not talk or have anything to do with me or the kids. I have an 8 year old and a 1 and a half year old. Once I had enough I started digging around and looking for him, I suspected another women. It was not that at all, he had a bad drug habit and knew I would not stand for it. After all was said and done we are separtated and have been for months. I guess his experiences have changed him. He no longer works, goes out with his friends nonstop, stays with his mom, and has left me to deal with 2 kids by myself. All I can say is hang in there and keep your faith in god. What is meant to be will happen and try not to believe in his friends so much. I thought his best friends were the best guys in the world until I figured out the truth.

You have been given some honest and real advice. You my dear C. are worth more than you know - and you deserve so much better. We sometimes mistake love for need, convenience, security... your husband is emotionally for sure cheating on you and on his family, and what you have described he is definitely living the life of a single man -- I use the term "man" loosely. You deserve a man of integrity, devotion, emotional maturity, respect for you and his family. A man who would lay down his life for his wife and children. What you have described is a self centered, immature, egotist. You are stronger than you realize -- take a good long look at your children - get your strength from them - and with resolve - kick him out -- change the locks - or move --- you life can begin today - it won't be easy but you will have your self respect back. Get some professional help, get some career counseling - and march forward, stronger, healthier, and with more dignity. I know it is easy for everyone to tell you what to do - but I think you know what you have to do. You settled .. and you don't have to do that anymore. Surround yourself with people who love you and want to help you and get on with the rest of your life -- it will be what YOU decide to make it -

You need to go to counseling yourself, even if he won't go. You need some help.

C.,
You've had lots of good advice from the women in these responses. Let me speak from experience. You have to tell him what you expect from him. (I expect you to be a good husband and father to our children-then explain how). Tell him what you want from him (I want you to take out the trash, put up a new fence in the yard, paint the garage, play with your kids cause they love you, take me to a movie, treat me like your lady, go out to dinner, go dancing or to church - whatever). Tell him what you need from him. (I need you to love me and be faithful to me just as I am to you). Don't talk to his friends or your friends - that won't get you what you need. If you think the marriage is worth saving tell him you need him to commit to marriage counseling with you. If he doesn't love you anymore it will be VERY clear in his responses and his actions. If you think he is cheating on you then get a PI and have him followed. If the PI gets some good pictures and data, then get a very good divorce lawyer and divorce him. Go after every nickel you can from him in child support. You deserve better treatment from your life partner, your kids deserve better than this version of him. Frankly there is currently no reason for him to want to change a thing. He has the best of both worlds. If he loves you he will turn this around. If he doesn’t YOU need to turn him out of your life. Remember, the only person we can actually change in this world is ourselves. Good Luck.
About me: I wish someone had told me to do this 30 years ago when my husband was cheating on me. I just sat back and took it all because I loved him more than myself. I talked to his mother, my mother, my pastor, my girlfriends, and I talked to his friends. I should have been talking directly to him because none of those people could help me. I tried for 20 years to make it work for the children. He left me anyway for a woman who was 14 years younger than he is, and left me with four children when they were approaching their teens.

C.,

It's easy to become naive when you want something so badly...the husband, the family, the life. You have to open your eyes and start protecting what little of you that's left. Tell him it's time to move on. Get him out of the house. You may be intimidated by the lack of finances without him home but this will be remedied in time, as well. He is cheating on you. the communication he is having with other women is cheating. If he's staying out all hours of the night and sometimes for days, it's also sexual. Don't let he or his friends lie to you any longer. I know this must be painful but you've got to set your boundries and dig in your heels. This is going to be a long road and you will be tattered and torn by the end of it. You need to pull on all your resources...God being #1, counselor next, then family, then friends. It is a great idea to go see a counselor for yourself. Do not let him sway you on the counselor decision. You need it. You will gain strength from it. I am so sorry for you. Get your yourself together and I hate to sound so extreme, but prepare fpr battle.

HTH

HI C. N.,

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE ALL UPPERCASE LETTERS I AM NOT YELLING IT IS JUST HOW I TYPE. I AM VERY SORRY ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES, EXCEPT MY (EX)HUSBAND WOULD COME HOME NIGHTLY, USUALLY RIGHT BEFORE I WENT TO WORK. I KNOW IT HURTS BUT YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM. IT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. YOUR KIDS ARE SEEING WHAT HE IS DOING ANY COULD POSSIBLY DO THE SAME THING TO THEIR FUTURE SPOUSES OR THEIR SPOUSE COULD DO IT TO THEM AND THEY THINK IT IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR. IT WILL BE HARD TO DO BUT IT WILL BE THE BEST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO YOU. I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO DIE WITHOUT HIM BUT, I AM HAPPIER NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. YOU CAN DO IT! THEY NEVER CHANGE! THEY JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING IT. AND HIS FRIENDS ARE GOING TO COVER FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT. pLEASE STAY STRONG FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDRED. IF HE IS A GOOD DAD THEN LET HIM BE IN THE KIDS LIVES. THE DEVORCE IS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU AND NOT THE KIDS. IT WILL BE HARD FOR THE KIDS TO UNDERSTAND AT FIRST BUT IF YALL ARE DIVORCED IT IS BETTER THAN THE KIDS SEEING YALL FIGHT OR FEELING THE TENTION ON A DAILY BASIS. GOOD LUCK YOU CAN CONTACT ME IF YOU NEED TO CHAT. ____@____.com

L.

I'm so sorry to hear that C.. Maybe you should go to a therapist on your own if he won't go with you. A good therapist should be able to offer you some direction and at least help you get your self back. Good luck and I'm sorry :(

C., I really think you should communicate your feelings to your husband. It seems as if both of you have a problem with that. It is good you do not "nag", but where has this practice gotten you? He never knows what is on your mind. He may not be communicating with you, but he definitely is communicating with someone while he is texting, talking on the phone, and going out for hours and days with no regard to how you feel. Ask him straight out what you are asking us and leave his best friend (who has no loyaties to you) out of the equation as this is none of his business. Your marriage is at stake and he needs to understand that his behavior is unaccecptable. This is not the time to be scared of what he will think as your feelings matter just as much as his. If he is not open to suggestions or counseling, then maybe you already have your answer. Good Luck!