My Husband Is Trying to Have an Affair...

I'm sorry. But he sounds like a loser.
Suz T. said a mouthful.
You can separate immediately, then decide where to go from there: counseling, divorce, reconciliation.

I think YOU would be selfish for not demanding more in a husband.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.

You want him "out" BUT you still love him. You need to separate and see if you can "right" this within a period of time. When you don't "love" him anymore it will be easy to walk away from him.

You can try counseling, but with his track record, the real question is how many more "incidents" can you withstand? The chance of this happening again is very high. Can you go through that again?

Sometimes it is best to talk about things and agree to space. My hubby and I took a break for about 3 months and during that time we would talk on the phone date and he would come over to see the kids. But we made sure we had our space. It ultimately saved our relationship and showed us how much we valued each other and did not want to be apart so then we got married. My husband use to be the same as your husband and did so for 3 years and never saw a problem with it. I loved him so much and thought I could change him. The kids kept coming and nothing changed. I finally had to leave him and get my own place and then thats when the light bulb went off in his head. Now he never speaks to women over the phone unless he has to since he is a mortgage broker. Then we both use the same cell phone so no other women are calling or texting.Since I am a SAHM we feel its only needed to have one cell. We have access to each others emails and etc. all passwords. Now we have been married for 2 years and I have to say that I completely trust him more than ever. Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to call me or email me. I have been there done that. I live in Giilbert moved here from TX that was the best thing that ever happened to us as well. Moved from texas to arizona and it literally saved our relationship

Oh Honey....nobody but you can make that decision for you. I've never been in your shoes but clearly he has an issue with being faithful. It's all a matter of what you can live with. That's a deal breaker for me. I could/would not risk my health staying with someone who is constantly looking to cheat. I understand you have 3 children and in an ideal world your family would stay in tact. However, it appears everytime you hit a rough patch in your marriage he immediately starts looking for the next hookup. That is no way for you to live and certainly not the marriage I would want to model for my children. You deserve better than that. Marriage is about love, honor, respect, friendship, and trust...clearly he is not trustworthy and is not likely to change. While he may love you he is certainly not honoring or respecting you. If it were me, I'd move on. I couldn't/wouldn't continue to invest in a man that doesn't value me in his life. Good Luck and God Bless.

Oh Mama, you know what you need to do...at the VERY least, he needs to move out while you attempt counseling. Both of you have to be 100% committed to change and the rebuilding of your family.

If it were me, given your history, I would cut my losses. He will not change when his behavior creates zero problems for him. You have developed a cyclical pattern of him "cheating" (or as you say attempting to cheat), the family moves for a fresh start, and then he does the same thing, over and over. Its not right or fair for you and your children to constantly be uprooting your lives because he can't/won't/isn't willing to even try to be committed to your family.

If you are looking for affirmation that it is okay to leave, then consider yourself affirmed, sister! You have tried over and over and it is time to find a better way. You deserve it, your children deserve it, and he deserves to be responsible for his own actions/choices.

He is selfish and you have allowed him to be. People don't change unless they have to- no matter which state you are living in!

This is chronic on his part and if you don't want to continue living with someone who doesn't love or respect you, then file for a separation and leave. What are you going to accomplish in counseling? (this coming from a therapist). Think about that one for a while. You don't go to counseling to "save" your marriage. You go to counseling b/c you both see a value in the relationship and want to find better ways to communicate and connect as a couple. Unless he has said to you, "I am sorry and I value THIS relationship. I want to be with ony you and am willing to do the hard work required to make that happen."- counseling will not help.

he's not just 'trying to have an affair', he's a cheater with a history of cheating.
i'm sorry you are still in love with him.
men like this don't 'try' to cheat. they do it. he is doing it. right now.
STOP having babies with him.
get a lawyer. kick him out, or leave with your babies and make sure he foots the bill.
learn to love yourself and your children more, and have higher standards for how you will all be treated.
khairete
S.

of course you love him. unfortuntately love is NOT all you need. your instinct is right. he is who he is. either accept this kind of treatment the rest of your life, or kick him to the curb and find yourself something better. he has had plenty of opportunities to change.

this sounds a little like addiction on both parts. He is addicted to cheating and you are addicted to him. If you have money, time, energy, the health go for counseling but remember that won't change him, you can only change yourself. Or your can get some emotional support maybe counseling, maybe church, etc. save your money and get started on a new life one in which you might meet a person who is not a cheater. Somehow however, until we make up our minds that we really won't accept this, we oftentimes repeat the same thing even picking a cheater again unknowingly. It is best to sort out why we think we deserve that. And then if it were me, I'd move on. You stuck it out this long, perhaps if you prepare yourself the right way, no "Honey I am leaving you" but take your time getting your finances in order and know what you will do to survive. And begin to get other things in your life where it is fun and there are people surrounding you and cheering you on instead of pulling you down. Good luck!

I think I would confront him. Either he leaves, or you and the kids leave. He can deny it all he wants, but with his past history, and all the evidence, the fact of the matter is you don't trust him, and you said it yourself, you don't want him. Who can blame you? It is OK to still love him, but not want to be in a marriage with him. He wants the wife, and family, and still the single hook-up life on the side. You deserve so much better. I wish you strength and peace.

i am soooooooo sorry for you and kids. leave him please and be happy again

From what you have written, I can't see any losses you should cut. More like dead weight. I would not suggest a permanent move with your friend though, because I've seen that a lot and it always ends up with a strained friendship. You could go to your friend's while you look for a place. But honestly, he's the one causing the issue, he's the one straying, he should be the one to leave the house and start all over. Sorry for you and your family. Some things, I can see forgiving and working through, because you love him. But it looks like you've done that 4 times already. He's not trying to change, is he? It takes work on both ends to work through something. I can't imagine a man anywhere that would be worth that.

You don't want him...You love him so much?

You have three young children with this man, if you love him and he loves you and his family, please try counseling if he is willing and wants to save the marriage. If he isn't then you will have to do what's best for you and your children. I hope your family survives this mess and your husband grows up a realizes what he has to lose.

Blessings.....

I'm sorry that you are in love with a jerk. Sometimes jerks become less jerky. Sometimes they are jerks for life. No matter what, he needs a TIME OUT. You need him gone. He needs to hit rock bottom with this cheating thing. You need some space from the situation to see if you really want to work it out, and he needs to be the one to suggest counseling.

Pick up, move near family who can help and be a support and take it from there. I'd suggest you go to counseling on your own while you navigate this.

Don't hesitate. Just do it. Don't let him lie and smooth talk his way back. You need to regain the power in this situation.

Counseling - mostly to give you strength to know for sure your decision. My experience is once a cheater always a cheater which isn't something I tolerate and make it clear from the get go. But some ppl can look past that for the good. Also, he seems to have a thing for your friends and I have a big issue with the friends too!!! Hope this all works out well for you!

This reminds me of my exfiance. He would always cry and beg me to give him another chance & that he could change. I would def get a divorce. Ppl dont realize it's harder for kids to deal with fighting parents & an unhappy sahm then to deal with a divorce. I've been in many relationships & they taught me that history repeats it self, for sure. Maybe with counselling, he can change. But I assume that takes years. I would be done with him. It's just my opinion. Good luck
Edit: forgot to mention, men do what you allow them to, so if u forgave him the 1st time, his thinking is you'll forgive again.

Maybe a bit harsh, but my first reaction is why do you keep having kids with him during your 'working on it' phases? Having a kid does NOT save a marriage. Please think carefully before bringing another life into the mess he has created.

Secondly, I would leave in a heartbeat. For me it would've been 1 strike and you're out. You deserve someone who cares about you all the time, not just until something better comes along.

You have 3 kids depending on you. You need to stand up for you. Stand up for them.

M.

You made the mistake of marrying a guy who was showing signs of unfaithfulness before you got married. You should have cut your losses back then. He has repeatedly lied to you, cheated on you, and no telling what else that you don't know about but unfortunately you decided to have babies with him so now you owe it to them to get counseling. If he refuses to go, then you must walk away. You deserve better and so do your children.

Wow - he definitely has a bad track record. I have to imagine that he loves you and the kids but doesn't have hte guts it takes to be monnogamous. He's selfish - plain and simple.

The bigger problem of course, is that if you split up he will ahve the right to have the kids for periods of time and during those times you'll have NO control of what the kids are exposed to. Don't expect that he'll easily give up custody of the house either - he's a selfish guy and won't want to send a big portion of his pay to maintain a house he's not living in. So if you are planning on a divorce you have to prepare for a really difficult time.

All that being said, he's selfish, cares only about his "needs" (really "wants" not needs) and he wants to be a single guy. This is NOT about you - you could be the hottest woman on earth and he's still be like this - he has no character.

I wouls suggest that you confront him and tell him that since you can't stand looking at his face right now he's better find somewhere else to live for now until you can decide if you want to try to make this work. He has broken the most basic promise of your marriage covenant. Once he moves out give yourself and him a chance to cool down and evaluate what you want to do. Do not shut down any option. He may discover how lonely signle life is and may truly decide to change his ways. It IS possible - but it only comes from a heart change that is born out of trbouled times and reflection. He won't come to this conclusion living with his wife and kids and also hooking up with stupid girls he meets online.

Do not have sex with him again - get yourself tested for STDs. Talk to a lawyer about getting a formal separation agreement to protect yourself. But don't look at this as the beginning of the end of your marriage. Many people I know have been through really tough times like this and when they both came back after time away they were able to restore their marriage and build it stronger. But it does require that your husband get the heck out of your sight for now and you need time to really evaluate things. Don't make a decision about this when you're in the middle of so much pain.

And pray - God truly cares about the details of your life. This is not His plan, God's plan for your life is good. What some mean for evil, God can turn around for good. It's not hopeless. You can handle this difficult time - you can. You go mama - just prayed for you.

Cheating for some people is something that you CAN work through. However, for me, 1 time, is a deal breaker. Your husband doesn't take your marriage seriously, and intimacy with others is not acceptable. Selfish isn't the word for it. Your children deserve better than a man who is cheating on their mother!

You already have a place in mind to go. I would do it. Asking him to leave the home would only make it difficult. If you leave, he'll take you seriously.

Do try counseling since you love him so much. Go into it with an open mind and encourage him to put it all on the table and let the counselor help you guys figure it out.

Make him see a doctor and get tested for STDs. If you guys are stilll intimate he could be putting YOU at risk.

Start to get a gameplan on what you are going to do in case things do not work out. Figure out what city you are going to live in and get your resume together. Start stashing some money too.

I am sorry but you need to keep your backbone and he needs to leave..I am sorry but it sounds like he won't ever change. This is not good for your kids nor for you...Move on.....get counseling for you and get a great support group to help you put the pieces back to gether.

Since you love him and you do have three kids together, I think you owe it yourself and the kids to TRY counseling. If he won't "man up" and admit what he is doing, I doubt counseling will really work.

Couldn't agree more with the posts I've seen so far. You deserve better than this! Your children deserve better than this! He's not worthy of your love or anymore attention than you have to give him while getting him out of your life. It will be hard, but it should end ASAP.

no one can tell you what to do in your relationship. that's for you to decide what is best for your children. what i would advise you to do is to have him tested for std's and get yourself tested and to stop having relations with him since your not sure if his attempts have been succesful. good luck.

baby steps...... separate into different homes, get counsoling and work on it day to day and see where you all end up.

This sounds like a character issue! No amount of counseling can change character. Until u make a decision use a condom!

Even the title of your post made me pissed at your husband. You and your kids deserve way better than this, and he sounds like a selfish jerk and not worth the counseling effort anymore. It's gonna be a long road ahead, but you can be STRONG. Get the hell outta that toxic environment. It's not going to get better. Good luck.

Sometimes it takes several times to realize it's who they really are. He won't change. Cut your losses. There is a better man out there, or a better life being a good parent who isn't constantly being undermined by a selfish immoral spouse. You've done all you can do and given him way more than he deserves. You don't want your kids to grow up with a man like this influencing them when they get older. Get out now. Sorry, and blessings to you!