Courage to Seek a Divorce

The people who love you won't care what he has to say about you. File for a divorce and get rid of this bad relationship.

People don't always react how you think they will. I'm going through a divorce right now. Making the decision to get divorced was one of the hardest things I"ve ever done. My relationship was abusive, and I was terrified of his reaction when he got served. I was convinced he'd become violent or try to kidnap our kiddo.

None of that happened, though. It's like he realized that yes, we needed a divorce. And while he's still the same person with all the same faults, it's so much easier to get along and deal with him (since he'll always be our kiddo's father) now that we don't live together.

So your husband may not react as badly as you think he will. And if he does react badly? It's a reflection on *him*, not on you. Everyone will see that ... including your kids.

Getting a divorce has been the best thing for me. I was a nervous, anxious wreck during my marriage - afraid to do or say anything, afraid to be myself, so in so many ways I just kind of quit living.

It's a very hard and serious thing - to end a marriage - but if you're truly unhappy, it will be so worth it.

Best of luck -

I'm recently divorced, after 13 years of marriage. I, too, have two beautiful children. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. I hemmed and hawed over whether divorce was the way to go for four years. I tried so hard... did everything I could to be a good wife, partner and friend, and still my husband wasn't interested in investing in our marriage. I begged him to go to counseling with me, but he wouldn't. He didn't want a divorce; was happier to stay married and miserable. I finally got to the point where I realized that even if he did turn mean and spiteful (you never know, right?) that I would be happier, he'd be happier... and we'd be better parents apart. The toll our unhappiness was taking on our kids was too much. That's what made up my mind. My kids were seeing their parents unhappy and not treating each other well... and I didn't want them to think that was normal and OK. I realized I was teaching my kids that it's better to stay with someone who doesn't love and respect you than to make a very difficult decision and choose self respect. I'm sure many people would not agree. My husband wasn't physically abusive. He wasn't even verbally abusive. He was simply dismissive of me, and would only be friendly when he felt like it... which was one or two days a week. The rest of the time he ignored me or acted like I was a pain in his a**. I went to counseling alone since he wouldn't go, and that helped me see that even though I thought I was being noble by staying, I was actually just making myself a victim. And I didn't want my daughters to think that women need to be victims. So I told him that we had six months to save our marriage and that I would do anything -- ANYTHING -- to save the marriage, but he had to work at it too. But he didn't. So about a year ago I left.

For me, it was the best decision ever. For my kids, it was also the best decision ever. They now have two happy homes. Sure, those homes are smaller and there's only one parent in each. But I am infinately happier, and I'm a better parent as a result. I'm no longer worried about my husband's reactions, his moods, or anything else about him. And he's happier too. (yes, he's said that to me...)

So, my story is not yours, of course, but the most difficult decisions are sometimes the right ones to make. You have to be sure you've done everything you can to make your marriage work first. But if you have, there's no shame in leaving. Who cares if he bad mouths you? The people who know and love you -- including your children -- won't see it as anything other than an unhappy person lashing out. You will probably lose a few friends, and you'll almost certainly be "the bad guy" to his family... but (at least for me) it's worth it. Every single day I'm thankful that I finally got the courage to leave. I know my kids will thank me some day too.

Hang in there. Go to counseling yourself if he won't go with you. Make a plan. Figure out how you'll support yourself. Where will you live? How will you help your children adjust? And once you know those answers, you'll know if leaving is right.

Talk to a women's shelter.
They've seen it all and worse.
They can best advise you, help you make an escape plan, get some legal advice and figure out what comes next.

WHY doesn't he want a divorce? Has he told you his reasons? (Have you asked him for his reasons?) That is where I'd start. Have you actually told him point-blank -- not when you are arguing! When you sit down and have an actual non-argument discussion!) -- that you are seriously considering a divorce; you believe your marriage has no foundation; you are profoundly, gravely unhappy; and you want to know how he feels and if he will fight you?

These questions might come better in the context of some very serious counseling. You never say if you and he have ever seen a counselor together. If you feel there is any reason to salvage your marriage, meaning that you have some tiny fraction of hope that the reasons you originally married him might still exist, then tell him that it's marriage counseling that has to happen and if he will not participate, you will go on your own.

The fact that you fear he will "badmouth" you, especially to your own children, is a very bad sign. It seems you are scared of him, frankly, and scared that he will try to take the children and then will trash you to the kids. You say he's spiteful and mean. If you are actually trying to say that he's somehow abusive-- you need to forget counseling and have an exit plan in place including money you can get your hands on (and he cannot) and a way to get yourself and your kids away from him.

Hard to tell from your post, which seems to veil a lot, whether he's just a jerk; you're just incompatible; or he's abusive. Whatever the case, get YOURSELF into immediate counseling; get both of you there, if you think the marriage is something you want to save; get yourself and your kids out if the "spitefulness and meanness" are actually abusiveness.

Have you tried/considered counseling? Maybe if your husband heard it from a 3rd party, it would help. Good Luck!

"Happily ever after" is not a fairly tale. Its a choice.

It sounds like both of you spend so much time getting even, your marriage relationship doesn't have time to get ahead.

Stop being mean to him. He needs to stop being mean to you. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Read it and learn something about men and your husband. Give it to him so he can learn something about you and women.

Watch the movie "Fireproof" together and buy the manual that goes with it, "The Love Dare". Follow the instructions in "The Love Dare" and you will save your marriage.

Develop the "Attitude of Gratitude" in your marriage. It will make a BIG difference.

You CAN BE BEST FRIENDS, if you are willing to work on it.

Good luck to you and yours. (Been married 40 years and this is how good marriages work.)

Windy:

My choice to divorce was long and hard thought out. We tried everything to make it work, and despite counseling, my ex-husband couldn't keep his stuff in his pants in our marriage. Since he refused to stop nor use a condom - I figured he wasn't worth my life.

YOU CAN DO THIS. One way or another - either fix it - or end it. What brought you two together in the first place? What drew you to him? You didn't spend all the time dating fighting did you?

Try counseling. Learn how to communicate with each other. Even if you divorce, you need to know how to co-parent together as well as communicate your children's needs.

The only way things will change is if YOU take the bull by the horns and make the change. Please don't be like I was in my first marriage....don't talk about making it better or leaving....DO IT.

If you are afraid of him - get a protective order against him.
If you are concerned about what people will think or say? You don't need those people in your life....you need the people who will listen, love and guide you. You are NOT alone.

Good luck!

If other options have failed (personally I would try counseling before ending it, which is what we did and we are now happier then we have ever been, but it took a lot of hard work and we both saw the counselor both together and separate for almost a year), then you just go for it. Life it too short to stay unhappy and if working on the marriage has failed, or you are not both fully committed to making it better, then don't worry about the fall out or you will simply watch the years slip away. IF he bad mouths you, he does, you can not control his behavior, just handle yourself with maturity and class and let the chips fall where they will.

Whatever he says about you will not matter in the end. If you're a good person, people know that. No one will shun you just because he bad-mouths you. It will only make him look bad to do that. Anyone who wants to stay in the lives of your children will not villainize you. Sure maybe some of his own relatives and friends will side with him, but this is no reason to stay in a toxic household that is not good for your kids. Decide how necessary to everyone's well-being the divorce is and stay, kind, positive and strong. If you think you can or should salvage the relationship, try. If not, do what you need to. It's not easy but millions of people survive it and move on to better relationships. Both my parents are remarried to much better partners for them. I never want another relationship like the one with my ex. Don't focus on the momentary difficulties, keep your eyes on the big picture. Good luck!

What matters to you, your happiness and well being or the way other people perceive you? I think you are more brave to stay in the marriage-I'd tell him to get out and lawyer up.

Badmouthing just mades him look bad.

I recently had a relative badmouth her daughter-in-law and I honestly thought she was the one in the wrong. Nothing she said (crazy yelling at kids or leaving them with sitter ALL the time among other things) made me think less of her DIL, yet I do think less of the person telling me the story.

So could you go to counseling? No marriage is going to be happy all the time. You need to figure out how both of you can work on things. Sure they will get better and then another lull, but I really think too many give up too soon on marriage.