My husband's sister had a miscarriage about two weeks or so ago. My heart aches for her. I am a little confused about what to do. A little history: His sister doesn't like me, she never has. She is rather rude to me, to be honest. My husband and I have been out of the loop with the whole family for several months, somehow we became the outcasts. The only time we get information is usually weeks after the fact from members of his extended family. We had heard threw the grapevine that my husband's sister was pregnant and she was traveling up to his parents to announce the pregnancy to everyone. Honestly we didn't even know when she was going to be there, so we hadn't made plans to be their. (She lives in Florida, we live in Illinois, and their parents live in Ohio) While she was there was when she lost the baby. I have no idea how far along she was, not that it matters, it's heart breaking at any point in a pregnancy. My husband's aunt was in town and was the one who gave us the news.
I am not sure if I should even approach this. My husband and I were driving home from visiting his Aunt, and the kids had fallen asleep, and all I could do was cry. I feel so awful for her. I can understand what she is going through, but I don't know if I should try to get in touch with her. I wouldn't want her to think I was only coming close because she was going through tragedy, and that I don't honestly care about her as a person. We are such extremely different people, that I don't know if it would just cause her pain if I tried to bring comfort.
Any suggestions on this? Should I play ignorant and not even approach the whole situation? Should I allow a little time for her to do some personal healing, or would that come off as crass? I am so confused. I don't feel like I should do nothing, but I don't know what would be appropriate for me to do or say.
Thanks for all the insight on the subject. I was leaning toward sending her a card, but I didn't know if that would have been the right thing to do. As a side note, my husband's mother called last night asking why we hadn't called his sister... This may be a post for another date, but I was a little hurt by that on account of that we had to hear the news from my husband's aunt, and I guess we weren't even supposed to know that she was pregnant. My husband is calling, and I am now looking for a card.
Just to clear something up quickly. Krista P. What I was trying to say is that I do care about her as a person, but I didn't want her to perceive it as me taking advantage of her tragedy or something.
I am an extremely empathetic person, so when someone is in pain I ache so deeply, sometimes it's almost unbearable. It hurts more deeply if it is something that I have personally gone through. I did have a miscarriage almost 10 years ago. This is part of the reason I want to tread so carefully. It takes me personally a long time to process emotions of my own, so I really didn't want anyone to reach out to me for several months. I also hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant, but somehow people knew. I know well meaning people didn't come off so well in my mind at the time. Now I know that they were just trying to be kind. I don't want to cause her stress or additional pain.
It is very nice of you to reach out to her. How about sending her a meal. Omaha Steaks has great meals at all different price points and their food is great.
J.:
How kind of you to care even if she treats you poorly!!
I would send her a card letting her know you are thinking of her and hope she is okay - it might "break her down" to you and let her see you in a different light. Please understand that I don't think you've done anything wrong - but there are times when sister's get VERY protective over their brothers and you don't have to do anything wrong - you just have to be in love with her brother.
Any way - send her a card and tell her that you heard she had lost the baby and how sorry you are.
GOOD LUCK!!!
ETA: I can say - do NOT send flowers!!! Sorry - but when I lost Alexis at 22 weeks? People sent me flowers and it was horrible!! Your hormones are raging and everything little thing can hurt. Stupid things make you laugh - just to handle the grief!!
I have to agree with Jane. A card from you and your husband, a very simple "we are sorry for your loss" and then, let go. Because your SIL isn't close and sounds like she doesn't care for you as much, have your husband sign first and address it.
I say this having had multiple miscarriages myself-- it's an extremely tender time and I think it would be easy for her to interpret anything else as being 'hurtful'. This way, you can safely reach out and there's nothing for her to read into it.
I think you should send her a card, and express your sympathy that way, and follow up in a few weeks with a phone call, just to tell her you are thinking of her and wanted to make sure she is OK. That may foster some good feelings in her, and help some old wounds to heal, for whatever reason she is feeling against you and your husband.
Of course you care! She's family! Two weeks have gone by already (you didn't know) but pick up the phone! Put yourself in her shoes. If you lost a baby wouldn't you want her to acknowledge you loss?
Call her, then send her a NICE card with a note of heartfelt sympathy.
This is what family does. Should be a no brainer
P.s. I've had 3 m/c's and cant imagine family members NOT acknowledging our loss.
I wouldn't call for the sole reason that if you do not have a relationship with her, she may not want to discuss this with you. Think of it as finding out that a somewhat distant friends suffered a miscarriage. What would you do?
When someone that I care about, but have lost touch with suffers a loss I send a card with a hand written and heartfelt note. Don't let more time go by because she is family and you don't want to be perceived as uncaring. Please don't put her in a position to talk with you about something that is so painful when she didn't tell you this information herself.
Rule of thumb when it comes to sharing pregnancy news "early" is to tell only those people from whom you would seek comfort if you miscarried. She didn't tell you or her brother about the pregnancy during its early stages because she wouldn't look to you for comfort.
Acknowledge the loss and let her know that she is in your thoughts, but don't reach out in a more intimate way. It won't be well-received. You don't care about her as a person (your words), so anything more than a card would be ingenuine on your part and perceived as such on their part.
Follow your heart....maybe a small angel ornament. I did something like that for someone I know that lost their baby. It really is the thought that counts, even if it is not received well. If it is not received well, it is usually because of the pain that the other person is feeling. Good luck
I have a terrible relationship with my SIL (husband's brother's wife), always have. But a few years ago when I had a miscarriage, she sent me a card in the mail. It wasn't a sympathy card but just a "thinking of you" type of card. It wasn't over the top mushy, just simple and heartfelt. She didn't write much, just signed it really. We don't even speak at this time, but I do recall that gesture and thought that under all circumstance, it was very appropriate. And i appreciated it. Hope that helps!
Just send a card with a heartfelt note and tell her you are so sorry for their loss.
