What Would You Send to Show Your Condolences?

Oh my, that is such a terrible thing to go through!! I would not send a celebrating life book. If it were me, I'd want to be left alone for awhile to grieve in peace, you know? Flowers or a fruit basket would be fine, but I probably would send just a card with my thoughts. Nothing more. Sometimes not saying anything is best. But it also depends on their personalities. Either way, I'd keep it simple.

When my grandparents died I hated the physical "reminders" of all the flowers, plants, etc. I just liked to get a sympathy card with some nice senitments in it. That way I knew that people were acknowledging my loss and I appreciated that. So if it were me, I would just send a card, I don't believe its necessary to send anything else, but that's just my opinion.

Thanks for asking this question. Even though I had no advice to give I really appreciated everyone's answers, especially the insight into sending flowers. I learned something new today!
~A.

So sad. When my son died although I appreciated the gesture of those who sent flowers and plants, I couldn't stand to look at them. I think my mom or dad took them to the church for me.
I did receive an Edible Arrangement that I really liked. Food was the last thing on my mind yet we all need to eat... I have since sent food from Omaha Steaks which people tell me is actually really good.
I also recommend the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart that deals with misscariage, still birth and early infant death.

I would suggest a basket of food or pay for a delivery from a certain restaurant. She likely wont' want to eat, but if she does not have to prepare meals it will be easier. I have a few friends that have dealt with miscarriage of past the "safe date" and it is so hard. They expressed to me that a "Thinking of You" card is often better received than a sympathy card. In fact I sent a Thinking of you card for the loss of a pregnancy past the "safe date" and the lady actually called to thank me for such a nice card. Just something to consider. Good Luck, with this situation there is no right answer.

Oh man.....That has got to be one of the hardest things to have to deal with. My heart goes out to them. As far as what to send, no I wouldn't send anything that has to do with celebrating life. That wouldn't be right in this situation. I would definitely send some flowers or a basket and a card. Your thoughts and prayers would be very appreciated I'm sure.

thats so sad, flowers and a donation in the babies' names? maybe buy 2 stars in the the babies names...they're pretty cheap now? idk that stinks.

I sent a gift package from Grandma's Chicken Soup (grandmaschickensoup.com) from the office when a friend/colleague had a late pregnancy loss. It was an "in lieu of flowers" gift and she said that she really liked it. I was nice comfort food for her when she didn't want to cook or eat but knew that she should.

As a personal gift to my friend, I got a vase from The Comfort Company (thecomfortcompany.com) that had a nice quote on it. Some of the items on this site may be too personal unless you know the mom really well (a lot are angel-type things and if she's not religious that might be hurtful) but there are plenty of items that might be appropriate.

I think that more than anything, acknowledging their loss with something (flowers or another item and a card) would be appreciated. I have never had a pregnancy loss myself but what I have heard from friends and family who have was that it was hurtful when people didn't acknowledge the loss and extend sympathy.

I know this sounds crazy, but have you seen the book, HEAVEN IS FOR REAL, about a four year old little boy who saw heaven? In the story he sees his sister, a baby his mom lost in a miscarriage before he was born. It's a wonderful little book, gives hope that our "lost" babies aren't really lost at all.
Just a thought.

Flowers to the hospital for the memorial, basket to the house to meet the need.

No gift at all. i would just send a heartfelt note of condolence, and skip the gifts which will only be a burden to them. I would not want to come home to a houseful of gift baskets or presents. Remember, she was expecting gifts and meals and flowers as a celebration of birth not for a funeral. Also, the flowers ideas is very bad - she probably wanted flowers for the BIRTH of her daughters.

If you want to do more than a note, donate to an organization related to the problem she was dealing with or the March of Dimes for babies in the families name. Your money will do more good and it is a less intrusive gift.

My experience with this stems from my best friend's family who knew thier son would die at or before birth. He did pass away when her sister-in law had a newborn. Very hard on them all. The mother did not want anything to do with her nephew as you can imagine nor did she want to discuss the situation with anyone. Unless you are sure she feels otherwise, I would give her space. Offer "thinking of you" opportunities for her to reach out to you, but this will be very hard for very long.

When I lost my twins, the heartfelt notes from people who were mere acquaintances meant the world to me. People closer to me didn't make the effort, largely because they didn't know what to say. People with more distance felt more comfortable expressing their sorrow, I guess.

Please consider making a donation to the March of Dimes, St. Jude's Hospital for Children, Newborns in Need (a great charity that provides assistance to premature babies and their families, but also provides burial clothes for babies who are too tiny to fit regular baby clothes--that meant so much to be able to bury my babies in beautiful, handmade clothes), or really any worthwhile charity. One acquaintance made a donation to his alma mater. I have no connection with that university at all, but it's sort of neat to know that my babies made a difference there, you know?

And, as hard as it is to eat and sleep at such a sad time, the family does need to eat. Home cooked meals, delivered meals from a restaurant they like, even gift cards to restaurants so they can pick up meals to go can help. You are so kind to be thinking of ways to show that you care. Bless you.

I think sending flowers for the bereaved is morbid. Think about it. Flowers are cut, thus killing them, and you get to keep them around and look at them until they start to .... well, decompose!?! Ick.

My go-to is the fruit basket. More of the "continuing the circle of life" mentality.

You want to do whatever you do for the couple, not solely the grieving mother. Especially since your husband is closer to the father. Gift certificates for restaurants that deliver are a good idea as they are both not likely to want to go out for a long time to come.

Condolences.

I think i'd like a donation to a baby charity or something like that in the babies names. How sad! Sorry for their loss. I can't imagine.

Tough situation. I would probably send a fruit basket to the house. And a nice card saying that your thoughts and prayers are with them. Very sad.

My daughter wasn't a baby, but I "lost" her 4 yrs ago. Flowers or a basket would be fine. At the beginning you are so numb, you really don't know what is going on. I saw someone post about a gift card for a restaurant. Someplace that delivers would be even better. It takes a while to start doing normal things like grocery shopping or eating a real meal. Friends and family are there at the beginning. It's later that they will need help. Send a note letting them know you are thinking of them around the due date. They will need people to acknowlege it is an important, HARD time for them. The upcoming holidays will be also. I am part of a wonderful online support group if/when she might be ready. You never get over it, but in time it gets easier to live with it.

That is a hard situation for all, your friends who have lost the twins and you being too far away to be there with a hug. I think I would send a gift certificate for a restaurant or caterer in town that delivers so that they can order a meal to be delivered at home at their convenience. Did they suggest a way to remember the twins?? If so, I would follow their lead. I would also consider a donation in their daughters memory to March of Dimes or Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which is a non-profit group that volunteers to take pictures of stillborn babies (depending on age) or those not expected to live. Perhaps the hospital contacted them to visit your friends. They take remarkable photos as keepsakes. This loss will not go away, so hopefully they have been connected with a parent support group in their area. Another suggestion would be make a donation to a parent support group for those who have experienced a prenatal or at birth loss. Is there one in their area? In the DFW area, there is a group called www.mend.org (mommies (&daddies) enduring neonatal death and in the Tampa Florida area, there is a wonderful group called AMEND. Remember that both the mom and dad have experienced loss and may grieve in a different way. Your husband might want to follow up with his friend too.

Flowers are just beatiful reminders of LIFE. Don't send them!!! I just lost my husband. Even though I appreciated the "thought" for each plant/flower arrangement I got. It was a struggle to watch them also DIE!! It tore me up!!! I threw them ALL away come trash day!! BUT that is just my honest opinion.
My coworker's wife lost a baby when she was 7 mths pregnant. It was so emotional! I cooked them dinner and delivered it to their house. It helped them not to stress for that one night what do for dinner and it was a good home cooked meal.
This is just hard ground to cover and you never know what is right. Being that it is close friend to your husband. Send a card for now that shows you care. Then keep a close eye. In a week after they are home, take dinner to them. There is too much going on right now, after they are home and things really start to sink in, then she will need some help.
Good Luck and GOD Bless!
D.

I would send a plant. Something that doesn't require to much attention. Maybe a really pretty large Ivy plant. I never liked receiving flowers after a funeral because I didn't want to see them die too.

Having had a similar experience (I had twins but lost 1 of them the other is a healthy 11 year old now) I would send a gift card for food or find a house keeping service and arrange to have someone come do house work in a week or 2. Be sensitive to their needs right now and just because your pregnant doesn't mean your friend doesn't want to hear from you. Trust me she needs to know you care and love her right now. You don't need to really say much but I phone call to say your thinking about her is a good thing.
I'll be praying for them

I would definately send a card. No flowers. And I wouldn't mention "as I carry my child....blah blah blah" just a simple, I'm here, I'm sorry, I am praying for you (or sending good thoughts or how ever you want to word that) and then in 3 months, check back on her. Send a little note. It's not RIGHT AFTER the loss that's the hardest. She'll be covered in people the first month...it's the months AFTER her loss, when the people leave, and life settles in, that you'll want to say, I'm here...I'll listen...I care.

Sending comforting and healing thoughts to you, her and her family.

Hey, that is hard to imagine but because you are pregnant and married. I would think that she and her husband feel as though they don't have the perfect life like you and your husband. So as a... couple- condolence please just send flowers. If you had to be in their shoes that would be all I would want rather than giving fruits, a life book, or anything else.. Be happy for them.. that they still have each other.. :)

Y.

When my cousins baby died she kept things like blankets and picture frames to remember her. If they are having any pictures done maybe you could get a frame for her? Other than that, I think gift cards to resteraunts would be good since they'd probably appreciate not having to think about what to make for dinner!
Also, don't just assume that she wouldn't want to talk to you! Sometimes we tend to feel like we need to "give them some time" and they really NEED to have friends to talk to at that time! I think everyone will react differently and maybe she DOES want some time but maybe she needs you now! Could you send her a message on fb or text her or something where she can answer when SHE'S ready? Just let her know you are there if she needs anything, even just to talk! My friend lost her baby at 34 weeks shortly before my son was born and she came to see me at the hospital. I was SHOCKED! I thought she would be the LAST person who would want to be there but I think it helped her! She talked about her son a lot while she was there. (when she lost her son, I painted a picture frame with angel wings on it)
I hope this helps. It's always so hard to know what to do in these horrible situations!
(I also have a friend who lost 2 sons in a tornado a few months ago and she talks about it every time I see her so in MY experience, the mothers have all needed to TALK about it!)

Send a card with a personal note. I lost several babies and the thing that meant the most to me was when an acquaintance said, "I'm sorry your baby died." I hated being told "So sorry you lost your baby." I didn't lose any of them; I know where they are. If you want to do something else, make a donation in the girls' names to March of Dimes, or something of that sort. Do not send the book, "Heaven Is For Real". I know my babies are in heaven but immediately after a loss is not the time for something like that.