What Can I Do to Help? (Death Mentioned)

My friend just lost her preemie baby in November. (Only lived for 1 week.) When I asked her if she needed anything, she just wanted "time".

So I just dropped off 3 freezer meals on their doorstep when they were home. I texted her ahead of time to let her know I would do it but did NOT ring the door bell or anything. She just wasn't up to seeing people yet. Along with the meals, I also left a few basic groceries and a plate full of goodies/desserts. (2 gallons milk, a couple dozen eggs, some tuna, ect.) So if she didn't have to go grocery shopping that week.

I also like the idea of a card with some cash in it.

On the one month passing of their daughter, a friend and I sent a card with a flower arrangement. (Arranged around a star-gazed lilly since the baby's name was Lilly.)

The best thing you can do is just be there for her. Do not tell her that you know she feels or anything like that unless you have been thru the same experience. The house cleaning thing is a great idea. Also, you could make a few meals that are easy to heat up. Taking things such as paper plates, plastic cups, toilet paper etc is always a great help too. I know it sounds silly but just being there for her and holding her hand or putting a hand on her shoulder to show comfort is going to mean more to her than anything.

Well, here where I live, people do give money at funerals & for the family. It is to help the family with costs. It is customary here though. Culturally as well.

I would not sent a gift card.

We lost our first son to SIDS and no matter what you do, she will appreciate it. I'm still upset that a few of my so-called friends did not even acknowldge our loss, not even with a card. Needless to say, they are no longer friends. We did have significant medical bills (not to mention funeral expenses) but my parents helped there. But my husband and I wanted to get away. We couldn't stand to be in our house looking at the baby things. Money may seem crass, but I know that it would be appreciated. We also receieved a couple of books that were a huge help. One was called Tear Soup and it was geared towards the loss of a child. I can't remember the name of the other one, something about Letters from a ??" It was about the loss of a loved one in general, but I read it many times over the years. I highly suggest a simple book like that. Lots of people will probably do food. We also appreciated people donating money in our son's name (to the hospital) or SIDS research so the March of Dimes idea is good, but I would wait a while before bringing it up. Remember, the most important thing is to let her know that you are sorry for her loss. She will remember that more than she will remember what you did.

I love the idea of the March of Dimes walk. Perhaps you could send flowers for the funeral or a plant, then in a week or so send a card letting her know what you would like to do regarding the walk and asking her if she would mind?

I like the idea of sending someone to clean the house, that's nice. Could you buy a gift certificate for that though? I would at least call her and express your condolonces, as hard as it will be, and mention that's what you'd like to do and have her pick a date and then you call and set up the appointment. I wouldn't just send someone unannounced, which you probably wouldn't have done anyway, just b/c she might have things she needs to deal with first. I also like the idea of March of Dimes, that's a very nice gesture. In the end, I honestly think any thing you do will be generous and hopefully well recieved. If you send a gift card for groceries or something I think I would call first and just say that you're sending it b/c you're sure they're swamped with things and don't need to worry about groceries for a while. I think you're on the right track, I'm sorry this happened, such a sad time.

The March of Dimes idea is wonderful, but if possible wait at least a month to bring it up. Having lost our young nephew just over a year ago, just some thoughts...
- No flowers b/c they will be overwhelmed by flowers and for some reason most florists feel the need to make the arrangements "childlike" and I can't explain why but a teddy bear in the arrangement somehow made the whole arrangement very sad.
- B/c you aren't close, she may be offended by cash
- Gift cards to local restaurants or a pre-paid Visa would be very welcomed... there will be some days when they simply don't want to cook, clean, laundry- whatever- and they will be able to use the $$ to have someone else do it.
- "freezable" meals are great
- if she has older children, gift cards for places to go "do things" and maybe offer to take them

Most importantly, make sure to keep checking in on them... people are great during the first month, but then life moves on for others. I have a girlfriend who will still call me randomly to see how we are doing 15 months later and I will always love her for that... 10 minutes randomly reminds me that someone outside of my immediate family knows that we are still hurting.

I would most certaily attend the service unless it is private & family only.Do send flowers or a plant that can be replanted outside & comes back year after year or one that stays in doors.
I'm so sorry this happened to you friend, March Of Dimes is a great organization they help thousands of people.Giving the walk a name is great but this will have to ultimately be her decision she may want to start her own organization in her babys name.Sending a donation to the funeral home,sending money in a lovely sympathy card,being there for her to cry on calling her or going to her home to see that she is ok for months years to come (being a friend)not just on FB.You can prepare a meal for her over the weekend & take it to her & her family.Don't leave out the daughter give her a little something bake her a batch of cookies,add in a coloring book,bubbles,side walk chalk something just to cheer her up.

i haven't read the other responses because i'm short on time right now. but my suggestion would be to make them a few meals to keep in the freezer. i know a lot of women who do this for births deaths or any other major life event like that. if your husband wants to do something more money oriented, you could start a fund in that child's name at hte hospital to help other families like theirs.

Do they have any other children? I would suggest POssibly paying for THEIR childcare provider to watch the kids for an evening out whenever they are feeling up to it. (they may not feel safe to leave the kids with a sitter or even you if you are not all that close) You could also look up a sitter agency in their area and pre pay for a day for her to use at a later date. If they have no other children, then here are a few ideas.....
A gift card for dinner out
A gift card to use for take out and dinner in so they don't have to cook
Pay a cleaning person to come and clean the house for them. They can use it whenever they want
A couples massage or spa day for both of them. A great way to relax after a horrible and draining experience
prepare some meals that can be frozen and just heated up when they want to serve them, as well as a few side dishes. Make up a basket of snack foods to go with it and write a nice card that includes your personal contact info. Let her know that you are available anytime that she may want to talk. Although you can't say that you know what she is going through, you can be there to act as a shoulder for her. Everyone needs to know that they have friends at a time of great loss.
Purchase a nice plant or bush for outside their home to be planted in their child's memory. That way they can care for the plant and watch it grow when the child will be in heaven watching it and "raining" down to help it grow.
Get your friend a special journal, something nice. She can use it to record her thoughts, write down everything that she is feeling as she goes through the healing process. Most therapists will tell you that writing is a great way to help you heal. It will also serve as a nice memory for MUCH later in life, when she is in a better place and is strong enough to possibly go back and read about the things that she wrote. Who knows, she may be in a position to help others who have lost a child someday.
Be there for her. No matter what else you can do or get for your friend. Simply let her know that you will be there for her. It doesn't matter if it is in the middle of the day, or the middle of the night. If she is having a tough time, and needs to talk to someone, you are only a phone call away. Sometimes it is actually easier to talk to people that you aren't as close to at times like this, because you may not feel like you are bringing up their grief again. She may need to have a friend who was not as connected at this time. I think you are a wonderful person and a wonderful friend for putting so much time and thought into what you are trying to do for this woman and her family at this tragic time. God bless!

Leaving meals is a great way to help. Also, if they have other children volunteering to watch the kids a few different times so the parents can have time together would also be a huge help. Money is always a great option.

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there is never enough money and so many expenses i would be relieved to recieve a gift card or a prepaid visa card.

I am so sorry, losing a baby hurts. I like the ideas of making food, paying for her childcare or going to her home and taking care of the kids for her. While you are there you could straighten up, do dishes, maybe toss in a load of laundry and make dinner for her and her family. I would contact my boss and explain the situation and say I won't be in tomorrow, I'm taking a personel day.
I know everyone greives differently but here's my story. I had a miscarrage in 1994 , I had to appear to sail through it because I had an emotionally dead BF at the time, and kids to take care of. One of the things I never got past was the need to hold a baby. Gently talk to her and ask if she feels the need to snuggle a tiny one. Luckily for me grandchildren started to come along in 2001 and they are still coming. But I never got past the need to hold a baby. I have always loved to take care of tiny ones, feeding, changing, bathing, snuggling have always been fun for me and had looked forward to having a baby to take care of and then suddenly didn't have one. Talk to friends and tell them that instead of withholding tiny ones for fear of hurting her she may be feeling 'empty arms'. It hurts and a lot of the time people never think about it.
She may need someone to come in and put away the baby things for her. Some Mom's want to do it and some can't look at the baby's room. Again talk to her about it. You can return some of the stuff to the stores they were purchased at or just box it all up and put it in storage for the next baby.
In 1952 my Mom had twins, my sister was stillborn. When she went to Penney's to return the baby girl items, Mr. J. C. Penney happened to be at the store for a visit. He overheard my Mom explaining why she was returning the items, he came over to the store associate and told her to take care of this customer personally and return her items. He said she (my Mom) had been through enough and to make everything as easy for her as possible.

You could do a grocery store service that delivers to the house like Safeway. Get some of the staples delivered, milk, egss, bread, and lots of easy to make stuff.

we lost our daughter thru her 2nd day of heart surgery. The medical costs were prohibitive, the battles with the insurance company went on for 1+ year, & it took us years to pay off the debt. For 3 weeks of NICU/ICU, our expenses totalled almost $150,000....& that was 18 years ago. & our daily living expenses....back/forth to the hospital....ate up every penny we had. & we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. This is what you do for your children.

That said, I like your husband's idea to donate $$. A gift card seems a little cold to me. Giving $$ allows the family the freedom to use it as they deem best.

As for the housecleaning, I like the idea of a gift certificate for this....again, allowing the family the freedom to have this done at their leisure. But, honestly, I would consider this an "invasion".....I know that during my grief, I hated having anybody in our home.....& a stranger cleaning my home would have sent me over the edge!

The March of Dimes is a good idea, but the family may be requesting donations to other organizations. In our case, we chose "gift of body" to the hospital's research school, with cremation following. Our daughter had a very rare heart condition, & we hoped that thru our loss something could be learned to save the next child born with this defect. At the time of her death, we were unable to donate organs/etc.....& this seemed to be the next best choice. 18 years later, we are still completely comfortable with our decision.

As for flowers, we received many plants & flowers. Because we did not have a burial, we chose to have a memorial service. One of the sweetest gifts was a grouping of single pink roses in matching glass vases. Our entire group of friends chose to do this .....one rose in a vase for each family. It was beautiful & I still have the vases!

BUT, the gift of a "memory tree" was probably our favorite....it was given along with a book about planting a tree in memorial.....& the whole gift was geared towards our son who was 6 at the time. We read that book over & over again....& I still have it today. & most precious to me is that it was given to us by an elderly Aunt who'd just lost a granddaughter months prior. She had been given the autographed book with her own memory tree .....& she thought it was important to pass the book along. Loved it then, still love this now! Hope all this helps!