Help!! - Port Arthur, TX

He's set a pattern and won't change without drastic & consistent,long-term therapy - and maybe not then. Either consider therapy involving him or determine if you can live with his ways. I wish you luck and strength.

let me tell you something A. you are so much better than that. You do not deserve to be treated like that. it is hard to hear but if yo have the strength you should leave. even if its just for a few weeks. to get your head together. i know how hard that is because i have been through a similar situation. and i got out. and i am so happy now that i did.

I know I am late, but I just wanted to throw something in there. Do you ever think men hide this type stuff because men and women are not suppose to be friends in society's eyes?

Then women find it, are hurt, words get thrown around, pride takes over and everyone is divorcing. MInd you, I realize there are times when none of it is innocent and there is definately something going on.

We do live in a society that believes if a woman and man are friends there has to be more.

I tend to be one of those women that had lots more male friends than female friends. It messed up alot of my relationships when I was younger. SO I point blank told my husband and it hasn't ever been an issue. He has women friends and I have male friends.

Pride just tends to take over in these situations and can ruin a family very quick.

It is good to hear you guys had a heart to heart talk about it all. I like the idea that came from a husband about inviting them over for dinner. Maybe they both could use new friends.

Good luck!

Hey A.,
Well, it sounds to me like your husband may not be having a physical affair but emotional he is having an affair. Heis clearly interested in this woman as more than a friend and that is totally unacceptable. I think you need to sit him down and explain that if he continues to be interested in her, write her, spend time together, including in classes, that you will leave him. And you have to be sure that he is willing to totally give her up. You can't allow this to take place in your marriage without doing something about it. If he still sneaks behind you back being that way with her you might have to separate from him, as painful as that sounds. Hopefully he will realize he still wants to me with you.
Good Luck, S.

OK MY DEAR I AM SO SORRY TO SAY IT BUT YEAH THAT FEELING YOU ARE HAVING IS CORRECT THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING GOING ON. I WENT THROUGH THAT A FEW YRS AGO AND WELL THAT GUT FEELING YOU HAVE IS EXACTLY RIGHT. MY HUSBAND STARTED DOING THE SAME THINGS, HE WOULD REJECT ME AND THAT HAD NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. THEN HE WAS VERY SECRETIVE ABOUT HIS PHONE SO I THEN KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON. I WOULD CONFRONT HIM AND LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND THAT YOU DO NT DESERVE THAT. AND THAT IF HE CONTINUES TO DO WHAT HE IS DOING HE MAY BE AT RISK OF THROWING AWAY ALL YOU HAVE BUILT WITH ONE ANOTHER. I DID THAT AND I MOVED OUT FOR A LTTLE WHILE. HE WOULD SEE OUR CHILDREN ON THE WEEKENDS AND HE HATED THAT SO MUCH THAT I HAD CONTROL OF WHEN AND WHERE HE WOULD SEE THEM. WE THEN HAD 3 CHILDREN 4 YEARS LATER WE NOW HAVE 4 CHILDREN. IT WORKS BELEIVE ME.
BYE YR FRIEND K.

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. It hurts to know that your husband has conversations with other women and when they include workd like " I'm thinkin about you" it must hurt real bad. I would tell your husband that you feel uncomfortable about the way he has written to this girl and that you would prefer that he not socialize with another women this much. It seemd to me that if you are a SAHM and he is going to college to earn a degree he may find it interesting to hang out with people who are interested in school and such. This can lead to major issues. I would suggest that you tell him to stop seeing this girl and e-mailing, and talking to her. Tell him the reason is that it makes you feel bad and worried ever since you read the letter. If he doesn't then he is definatly up to something more than friendship. ALso there are many software programs which can be installed on your computer that can monitor, take screen shots, and view passwords all were you can look at stuff that has happened everytime the computer comes on. You can see the software installed so it is perfect for someone wanting to find info. about a spouce or child's use of the computer. To find it search "how to find passwords" "how to monitor computer time" on the internet. The software is usally priced around 37.00 and is easy to use. I really hope that for your sake your husband does stop flirting with this girl and remembers that you (his wife) need letters of affection. Good luck.

I got in touch with an old friend from school he tells me all the stuff my husband use to tell me and it felt so good. I almost had an affair but I didn't because I want to save my marriage. Maybe your husband is thinking about it because she makes him feel like you use to,I am guessing he still loves you and don't want lose his family or he would had slept with her already. Sometimes when we are in a relationship so long we forget why we are with our spouses But with children and everything else it is hard,tell him what you are thinking or you will always have that doubt

I would also move out. You can't let him walk all over you like that. and if he wants you back make him go to a therapist with you. Maybe he can figure out why he has to flirt like that. Some people are just big flirts and they will flirt with ANYONE, I have several friends like that, but he knows you don't like that so he should respect you. Notes and letters lead to opening a big can of worms. Even though I would move out I love the idea of you inviting her and her husband over! I wonder if he knows about their notes? I think I might let that slip. :) Anyway, sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I am a spiteful person and you sound really sweet, but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and your children.

Hi A.,

Well oviously you guys need to talk more. Anything whatever comes to your mind start a conversation with him. And if you really are worried about this other mom tell him!! Don't care what he thinks or if he's going to get upset. And if you guys do get upset, don't let it get to you, because it's the anger that will mess you up! Bottom line he still has to go to school, so you have to talk and want to want to trust him again, tell him it will be hard for you!! We'll be here for you! Message me whenever, and i'll try to respond asap!

CJR

ps. where you from?

I hope things work out for you with your husband. I had faced a similar situation with my ex, with whom I was with for 11 years. Same song and dance. I realized though that I can forbid him to talk to her, or see her or whatever, but what really happened is that he learned to get more secretive about it and able to hide it better. If I had known then what I know now, I would have sought some counselling for us with a marriage counselor. I think that things like that put up walls between people that are almost impossible to bring down and it takes work on both your parts. Jealousy and trust issues are the hardest to get past.
I wish you all the luck. One more thing. When you're talking to him about these things, keeping cool and remaining calm is so important. It's the hardest thing to do but guys think that when we are all upset and trying to explain how we feel about their behavior, it goes in as "just another hormonally emotional woman thing". If you're able to stay calm and stay on the subject and get the issues across that concern you and the reasons it hurts your relationship with him, he'll be able to "hear" you better.
Just from my experience.
*My ex was a cheater before we got together so I knew what I was in for and accepted it for as long as I was willing to settle*.

Well I smell a rat... something is up wether is physical or emotional something is funny. Just stand your ground and always keep your eyes open, your kids are the most important thing here, and they can sence things a mile a way.

Good Luck...

his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. tell him unconditionally that this must stop, he cannot speak or write to her anymore and if he cares about spending his life with you, he will stop persuing spending another second of class/ other time with her. if he violates your feelings, he violates your marraige. HE IS CHEATING ON YOU, if not physically, then emotionally. Your marriage deserves the last chance of being honest with him and standing up for yourself at the same time. Tell him there will be no other chances after this. If it happens again it is because he has made the decision to end your marriage and it will end.

I wish you a lot of strength.

I went through something recently with my husband (who was a terrible flirt when we were younger) where I found old love letters, a book of them actually, in his desk from a woman he still sees every couple of years. They were good friends and at one point she'd asked him to father her child. He declined and didn't want to be in a committed relationship with her, though he still slept with her (he was about 20 -- this was more than 15 years ago). SO when I found the book, I was crushed. I asked him why he had it. He immediately went to his desk, apologised and threw it away. He explained to me that he was using some of her thoughts as reference for a character in a novel he's writing. I believe him and he proved himself by getting rid of it right away.

I think that as the mom of your family, you're smart to keep your eyes peeled. Confrontation isn't easy, but your family deserves a chance. You do your part and if it doesn't work, that's his decision. Your hands will be clean. Good luck.

If I may be so bold, even if he hasn't touched her, he's cheating. His heart is somewhere else. You don't say those kind of things in a letter to another woman without those kind of thoughts and feelings. Why does he want all his classes with her? Desires like that mean his heart isn't in the right place for a married man. I am married to a wonderful man. When we got married all of our other friends were put on the back burner. He is the only one that I want to spend all my time with, and vice versa. He wouldn't dream of talking to another woman that way. He has female friends at work that I know flirt with him just from the conversations he tells me he has, but he wouldn't dream of flirting back. Even pretending is cheating. You don't have inside jokes with another woman when you're married. You two should be bestfriends, and bestfriends don't keep anything from eachother. He is acting childish, and he might deny, deny, deny, but he knows exactly what he is doing and how he is feeling. And you know it too. Once a cheater always a cheater. He's not going to stop until he realizes he is wrong which it doesn't sound like he does. If I were you I would seek counseling. You're not being paranoid. He's not being totally honest.

i would definitely not put up with this! my husband is in the army and at one point was on these 24-hr shifts with 3 other people, and one of them happened to be a woman. he started coming home talking about her all the time and talking about things he and she had talked about or whatever. it bugged me but i didn't think much of it. then one day we were taking a walk and he called her just to ask how she was. that was the last straw! i told him he was having an emotional affair and it took awhile to get him to see it, but i tried to explain that it wasn't that i didn't trust HIM but i didn't trust the other woman. i know that he just saw her as a friend, but she saw him as something more. i had to tell him "how would you feel if i went over the the neighbor's apartment (a single guy) while you are at work and then come home and talk about him all night to you and call him just to ask how he is doing?" after that, my husband understood and agreed that even though they worked together he didn't have to be so close to her outside of work. the main piece of advice i have is just communication. and if it seems like he doesn't get it or doesn't care, then just leave

I have been through that numerous times sad to say. But all you need to do is talk with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel from you heart. Don't get upset or start accusing him just talk with him. If he sees how hurt or concerned you are about this then he may just subside or use better boundaries when it comes to other chics. It's okay for him to have a female friend but when it crosses the line then there is an issue. To me it does not look like it has gotten to that point yet but it may go there. Just talk with him. See what happens.

Hi A.,

I'm sorry that you have to go through this and are probably thinking about it constantly. Even though he might not be cheating physically on you, he's doing it emotionally. It's hard especially because they have a history together. And if they end up getting classes together, it's only going to get worse. Do you happen to know her husband? If so, I would maybe call him and see if she's doing the same thing(being sneaky, etc) But like the other responses, you need to focus on what is best for YOU and the kids. Don't settle, live it too short.

Good Luck!

I have been in a similar situation, my husband and a co worker had been emailing each other... (I remember now him telling me that there were romers going arround work about them having an afair) well when I found them I was devistated... I didn't remember him telling me about the romors...I just couldn't take it... but then I remember he has an off sence of humor... it was mainly me blowing it out of preportion...

have you read the book the five languages of love? if not I highly recomind it. have you talked to him about your fears? find out if there is something he needs from you. it is hard to rebuild trust, but if you love him, you have to make the choise...

I do believe that this is possibly a start to something. However, the only way that you will win his attention back is if you make your self busy outside the family. I mean leave him home with the kids and go out with the girls take up classes even if you are not interested in obtaining a degree. For some reason guys like women who are always busy and who seem unobtainable. I believe you should stop being so predictable. By all means I do not mean that in a bad way. But, I am a single mother and I know use mothers pick up routines and routines are predictable. Spice your marriage by indulging yourself in yourself. It is time you start demanding it. Cause if you are not happy neither is the people around you. However, what ever your husband is doing is NOT at all your fault. But, this is the time to stand your ground. Do things for YOU YOU. And if you start focusing only on you and your kids not him, I do believe he will change his behavior. Because when you take away the norm he will start to appreciate you instead of another mother. Because I am quit sure you do the same thing the other mother does if not more. Well, this should be a new day for you A. V. because start dressing up everyday. Start being stand offish and start telling yourself you are a wonderful catch. Cause you are!
You need to start this change as soon as possible. Get your nails done, put some make-up on, and main thing start creating things you have to do and places you have to go all sexy, and dressed up. Buy yourself some new dresses. He will say, “Where you going all dressed up,” you say out with friends or I have to run to the store. Say “Watch the kids for a second I will be right back.” You can even take the kids with you or get a babysitter. But the point is you got him realize what he is missing out on. Even if you cook dinner for him be nice and do not even bring up the other women. Even though it is itching your tongue. Don’t say a word. Oh and working out helps you take away your anger. I usually use my anger to motivate me to exercise. Believe me it works. It does pay off for you and your husband in bed. At least when you do this. I promise that he will change. However,
if you love him and want him. Do this. If you are fed up with him and do not want anything to do with him file child support before he knows what he hit him. And file before you move out. That is the most important. And if you do move out do not let him know where you go. So he can wonder what you are doing instead of you worrying yourself to death. I mean come on we women have the true power to persuade men. Use it but, also listen to your gut-feeling it never steers you wrong. Just a little a piece of advice from an experienced woman and mother.

Hi A.,
Does he write you letters? YOU are his wife, he has no businnes writing these things to other woman.
And this is the second time, with another one?
Maiby you should moove to your parents or friends house for a while, when he misses you( if he does), maiby he doesnt want to write lletters to other woman anymore.
The only thing i can say, is that people that violate your
boundaries, and obviously he is, get worse instead of better, if you accept it.
The truth is you want to believe, that it was an insider joke, cause you love him.
If he has respect for you and his kids, you would be the one getting the letters.
The best thing is, dont say much, see if he continuous not having sex with you, and if his behavior with this woman percists, just moove out. Don't threatten it, and dont do it.
And dont just stay for 2 weeks or so. Let him bag you to come back....and then you can tell him the conditions.
The thing with men is ,that you can cry, whine and complain as much as you want, or have a nervous breakdown, they dont see how much you are hurt.
About the woman, she probably needs some kind of attention, and ,it is sad to say, doesnt know better, than to talk to married man. Why don't you talk to her, and ask her to respect your family.
I really hope he comes to his senses. I wish you and your family the best.

How do you really know he has not touched anyone else? He is not touching you and the things he says to these others are way too intimate! I think you know better, that is why you don't trust him. Go with your gut-if he is willing to flirt with other women, it is not a big leap to cheating!

I too have had to deal with women my husband works with. He is a traveling salesman and has to go to great sunny locations with some of them. I try my hardest to trust and I don't think he's that stupid-2 child support checks wouldn't be fun for him! LOL I also make sure that my pressence is known in his company, and sometimes I travel with him to company meetings not only for fun but to show these women that I am around and I am paying attn to what is going on. I can always tell when another woman may be eyeing my man b/c they can't seem to look me in the eye or talk to me and I go out of my way to be friendly. I actually called hubby in here to read your post and see what he has to say and he had a good point, he said invite the woman AND her husband over for dinner one night and enjoy yourself!!

I have always been told emotional cheating is still cheating tell him exactly how it makes you fell let him know it not anything about be a jealous wife cause that will probably come out but that you don't mind him have friends that are women but there is a certain line of closeness a married man should draw when it comes to the opposite sex My husband works with women and the one thing I told him when he asked me if it was alright is that as long as you don't make me feel uncomfortable than we are fine and it has been working fine. Flip the view ask him how he would feel if he was in your shoes and found a note like that to you or that you had written.

Sounds like you have one of two things:
1) A cheating husband

or

2) A husband who is trying to cheat

I would suggest leaving this man right away. Just from the things you write it is obvious if nothing physical has happened it is on the verge of happening. His behavior is innappropriate and disrespectful to say the least. You are the only one who can decide to leave your husband. I wish you the best.

Well, this is not what you want to hear but I personally would not trust him and would do something drastic like move out.

Here is a direct quote from the Bible:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28

I can't tell you what to do, you have to trust your heart. Pray for God to lead you to do the right thing. He answers every prayer, all you have to do is ask and believe in His power to help you. Maybe there's still hope for the two of you, but this type of nonsense has to stop.

Blessings to you and your family,
J.