Last August, I was diagnosed with an aggressive Stage 4 Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It was traumatic in the beginning. I was transferred to three hospitals. I received my treatments in the hospital for 4 to 5 days every few weeks for a few months. I was an hour away from family, and I only saw them when I came home. It was a lonely and scary time. In January, I was declared in remission and except for minor pain every now and then, I am doing very well.
My neighbor also had the same type of cancer, she finished treatment last year and is also in remission. She reached out to me during this time. She texted me in the hospital, invited me over to her house to talk, gave me advice, listened. was very supportive. We were not friends before this. When I was stronger, we started walking together in the mornings, sometimes several times a week. It was therapeutic to talk to each other. She was always giving me encouragement. Her and her husband have been very generous and they give us food, books, advice, etc. My husband occasionally helps them repair their cars. I haven't been as good as reciprocating, but I'm trying to do better. I never sought out this friendship and I don't have any good friends here (FL), but I am grateful that she reached out to me during my cancer journey.
My neighbor is very talkative and I'm the quieter one. I describe her as the type of person who would talk to a wall if it would listen.
Anyway, the kids are out of school, and we haven't been walking very much anymore. It's hot, we're busy, etc., etc. A few weeks ago, she signed up for the Livestrong program at the YMCA and asked me if I wanted to go. I joined with her.
Sometimes, I bring my older kids with me. They work out on the weights, while I do the 1 hr weight program. It's been great for us. Now the kids have a place to workout and swim free all summer.
On the downside, my friend talks politely to me there, but I'm sensing that she is no longer invested in our friendship. She often tries to talk to the others in the group. Sometimes the leader notices, rolls her eyes and redirects her to her weight training. I notice that she's trying to befriend another slightly older woman in the group. She leaves our program without saying goodbye to me (like I don't exist) and chats with the woman.
Honestly, I am not sure why my friend asked me to join. In my mind, you invite a friend so you can support each other. But I get the impression, she wants to ditch me and talk to others. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. We are both scared that our cancer will come back. Maybe she is using this class as a way to talk to others about her experience. Maybe she feels we have burdened each other with enough cancer talk and wants to talk to someone else. I don't think she realizes that she's hurting my feelings.
It's kind of confusing to me. Just the other day, she and her husband asked my husband for a favor. Then later, she runs back over and gave my daughter a chair and sheets for her bed. Her daughter didn't use them anymore.
Is it normal that she is treating our exercise group like a social gathering and support group? Should I just let her do her thing and stop taking it personally?
Thank you for all the well wishes and great advice. She has been doing all the work in the relationship. I have been trying more to ask her to walk and trying to reciprocate with gifts. She and her husband have been giving us so many material things- food, clothes, etc. I like to give my time not so much material things. I don't want to buy a friend, just be there for them. I recently gave her some shorts that were too small for me and some herbs from my garden. She seemed really happy about it.
Some of you have made me realize that she may not be a lifelong friend, but just someone who helped me get through a bad time. That's fine. I will try not to read to much into this.
I think she is an anxious person and when she feels pain, she like me thinks the cancer is back. I think talking to anyone calms her down. I notice that she will talk to anyone and everyone on the treadmill who will listen. I have no objection to this class being social for us, but I don't see how we have time to make it happen because the leader keeps us so busy. The class runs into the fall and then after that we don't see these people again, so I guess I don't try as hard to start up a conversation. Most of the women and men are grandparents and I am not. I am considering a cancer support group or talking to a therapist because what I went through was very scary and difficult. I need to work it out with someone besides constantly relying on my friend and husband for support.
First off I am so happy you both are in remission.
I have to agree with Dana...just ask.
Blessings to you
So glad to hear you are in remission. That's wonderful!
I, like you, am more of a quiet person. Most of my friends initiate outings, call first, talk more, etc. I have to remind myself that if I were my friend I'd question whether I was interested in a friendship. Maybe it's simply that - she just needs you to initiate a get together, visit, or whatever.
Absoultely don't take this personally. You are friends so she wanted you to join the class with her. It sounds like she is just a very social person and is enjoying meeting new people.
I believe she would be shocked to hear your feeling are hurt.
I am very happy you are both in remission.
You said yourself 'she would talk to a wall if it would listen'. Are you really surprised she is talking to everyone and anyone at the YMCA? She sounds like a very social person and she is trying to make new friends. Nothing wrong with that. Don't take it personally. Maybe you will meet some new friends there too. Congrats on being in remission!
First of all, I am glad you are in remission and I wish you a complete recovery.
As for her, I would not take it personally. I am sure you are both scared about the cancer coming back. She may be reaching out to others to ease her mind and share her experience as well.
Do your own thing, continue to be friendly with her. It sounds like you both helped each other through a hard time.
Best wishes to you.
When I became ill, I had a number of neighbors do this to me. We weren't friends before either.
I call it being someone's project. It doesn't always lead to real friendships. Sometimes, it does - but I learned to not become dependent on them or mistake that for real friendship.
It was more about favors and doing things (made them feel good) over actually being there for me. And they were kind of into it with everyone - not just me.
I just focused on my old friendships - the ones who just asked me what I needed as opposed to all the favors and trying to make my life better.
I wouldn't take it personally. I did at the time, and then a good mutual friend told me what the deal was. Said it would be someone new in a few months' time. She was right.
I would go and enjoy myself, let the kids have fun, and just meet new people. Be friends with her still - just recognize she's social and not intending to hurt you. She just has a different view of friendship, different personality and different needs than you.
The really intense - then feel ditched - friendships are usually kind of warped in my opinion.
Good luck and congratulations on being in remission!
ETA: Question for you - has she ditched you as you say, like you don't exist - or is she just caught up in talking to new people she's met? Not the same thing at all. I may have misread the question.
First of all, so glad you are in remission, yay!!!
Second, I agree with the others. Please don't take it personally. People are very, very different when it comes to social skills/style, and really the only way you can know what anyone else is thinking is to ASK them. If you feel hurt then communicate with her, that's the basis of any healthy relationship, be it friends, family or romantic partners. Likely she is just very social and reaching out to meet new people, that's all.
she probably is finding support and finding more people to connect with, and shes probably hoping you do the same. she probably invited you to the class so you could meet more people.
It does not sound like anything changed, you sound insecure. You are part of a group, just as you could talk to other she talks to others.
Up at the top you sounded almost annoyed that she talks to much but in the end it is her not talking your ear off that seems to offend you. Of course she doesn't realize she is hurting your feelings because it shouldn't be hurting your feelings. You have your one on one relationship and you have their group relationship they are different. She is not treating you differently, you are in different settings.
Don't take it personally.
I think she's a welcome wagon type.
She'll always be meeting and greeting new people.
It makes her and others happy (admit it - she made you feel happy for awhile) - and - if she talks all the time - it keeps her from burning out the people around her.
I wouldn't view her as 'ditching' you so much as she NEEDS to greet new people.
Most friendships are not exclusive relationships.
She just likes to play a wider field than you do.
I had a friend like this in the 4th grade.
When I was the new girl in town we were best friends for a year.
And then a new new girl moved in - and then I felt like I was chopped liver.
I felt a little hurt for awhile till I figured her out.
It's just something she does, she doesn't mean anything by it, and there's no point in feeling jealous of her new focus of attention because as soon as someone new comes along, she'll be moving right along to her next conquest.
Just relax and enjoy the ride!
How wonderful that you both have regained your health! It must have been very frightening and a tremendous emotional and physical strain. And it's wonderful that you had a friendship to sustain you both.
You are more introverted, she is more outgoing. That may mean that more of the effort at conversation falls on her. The invitations fall on her (she asked you to join the group, for example). You say you haven't reached out much, so she's doing all of the initiating. Is it possible that she is seeing your reluctance to reciprocate and reading into it that you're not interested? You say she isn't that invested in your friendship, but also say that you aren't either. You get mad when she talks to others, but you don't invite her to go walking, you don't do things for her (yes, your husband does, but it's not the same thing unless both couples are equal friends), you don't issue invitations.
If all you had in common was cancer, then maybe it's time to let this friendship cool off. If you want it to be successful and to flourish, then you have to do 50% of the initiating.
My exercise class is very social - we support each other, call each other if someone doesn't show up for a while, have pot luck dinners, and so on. But I think we're unusual. However, if your friend had that sort of experience before, it seems normal to her! There are a few super chatty people in my group who the instructor needs to redirect on occasion because it can make the group lose focus and result in no one getting any training done. It also ties up the machines/equipment longer if people are dilly-dallying. But we do find that the group experience has been very motivating and has resulted in some nice friendships. If that's not for you, fine. But I do think you have to pick which side of the fence you're going to be on. If you don't reach out to this neighbor, you can hardly have hurt feelings when she reaches out to others who are more responsive. And if you are the quiet one who never says much, there's just no way she's going to know that you want more.
Why not just ask her?
I want to first say how happy I am that both of you are in remission. I can't imagine what you went through, and I'm sure that life is now very different for you in so many ways, having been through the fear and sorrow you went through.
But I'm also sure that you are still going through a lot of psychological trauma. You both probably are.
She had a need when she sought you out. You fulfilled a need for her and she also fulfilled a need for you. She is trying to figure out what is next. And for people who are ambiverts, like her, a lot of verbal stimulation is so important. You are more quiet, so she is probably seeking out more people.
I think that she probably invited you for your health, and that's a kind thing to do. She isn't trying to stay away from you or she wouldn't have invited you to join. But she probably just needs to broaden her circle and have some people outside of the sphere of "the cancer". You can understand that, right?
Try to be understanding and not push her. You admitted that you haven't reciprocated as much as you could have. Give yourself permission to let her control the friendship and go from there. Maybe she will accept your invitations ever so often.
If you can, talk to the hospital social worker about finding a support group or talking to a therapist who works with cancer survivors. I really think that it might help you navigate some of these feelings.
Your remission story gives us all hope!
Initially sounded like her friendship was a burden, I think maybe she also got that feeling. Invite her and her hubby over for dinner and try to rekindle. I'd love a friend who could empathize with my situations.
You sound like a very strong and independent woman and perhaps the meds, cancer, and fear have changed that strength in you. Sometimes friendships come and go and we just have to appreciate the time spent together.
Dont look so deep into the friendship and try to make friend with others as well.
Best wishes.
You weren't friends, a situation brought you together, you're growing apart and going back towards where you were before. You are both different though and will always have that bond. I'd say just do things with her and make other friends and be around her and enjoy.
