Worried My Trouble Making Friends Will Rub off on My Daughter

I am the same way. I'm good at making friendly acquaintances, but have a hard time jumping to the next level of friendship.

I don't know what to do about it, besides maybe trying to invite kids (or have your daughter invite them) over to your place so they can play together...

I think it's important to consider what you are doing that might be making it difficult for you to maintain and grow friendships. Self evaluation to determine where and how you can improve is a positive step.

I would consider signing your daughter up for some groups or activities based upon what you know she already likes. Is she always putting on a little show? Theatre. Does she love to sing? Choir. Is she super active? Sports. Is she a thinker who loves to learn new things? 4-H.

She'll meet lots of great people and it's likely that she'll click with someone. So don't worry so much.

I understand where you are coming from, and often feel that way about myself. I see groups of women get along, and wonder why I'm not "part" of the group. My question for you is : does your daughter seem happy with the status quo or does it look like she is unhappy about the weekly playdates? If she is okay with the way things are, you probably don't need to intervene at all. Some people are naturally more gregarious than others. If she is bothered by it, why don't you initiate and invite some kids to your house? Depending on the age of your daughter, this might be something she has to initiate.

Some people have a social "gift". They love being social, they are social, people are drawn to them, and they effortlessly collect lots of friends. I know some people like this. I don't have that gift. Most people don't. The average person has to work at being social. And some people have an extremely difficult time, especially if something is "off" or off-putting about them.

You seem perfectly nice. And you have lots of acquaintances, so you must not be off-putting. So you need to ask yourself when relationships have not progressed to the next level, is it because you tried to reach out in a meaningful way for more than just casual stuff but were rejected? Or did things just somehow not progress and you didn't know why the people were making other friends but your were excluded?

I have overcome this hurdle. I am a hermit by nature who used to have very few friends into my mid-thirties. Now at 43 I have LOTS of friends. AND I'm a very busy (overwhelmed) single mom of three young kids. I could EASILY be lost in the mommy vacuum of my comfy home too busy to deal with people. That would be my comfort zone. But I have learned that because I'm not a natural social magnet, I have to APPROACH and initiate relationships with people and I have to maintain them, and I have to not get miffed when I seem to be doing most of the work. It's not about cliques or popularity for me, I've learned community is important, especially with kids, and LOTS of nice people are out there, equally busy and with just as much trouble making friends.

Do my efforts sometimes go unnoticed while the more magically social people meet up and do stuff without me? SURE! but I don't mind, and I keep initiating other meetings, etc. And I don't have much time to socialize, but I can at least send a personal FB inquiry, or make a call, or make a visit, or ask someone to meet several times until it really happens. Over time, it has gotten more natural and once the relationship is established it becomes more mutual. I have learned lots of people just assume I'm too busy for them with kids and all, so I have to make a point of being available.

I have neighbors I am close to and ones I wouldn't know if I ran into them. ALL the ones I am close to are ones where I MADE IT A POINT TO APPROACH and be nice to them. I lingered in the yard and talked when I didn't feel like it. I asked for help from them. I left thank you gifts for helping me. I shoveled their walk when I shoveled mine. I raked their leaves when I raked mine. (They have since reciprocated many times) I smiled and waved and said hello rather than hiding... I walked over and introduced myself. No one came to my door and tried to meet me. I had to do it. This is naturally the way for most people.

There is a group of moms in the waiting room for my kids' taekwondo class 4 nights per week. They've always been friends since I started my kids there. They meet up for play dates and always sit together etc. They never invited me into their group. I don't know how they all got so close. But I nosed right in there. Sat with them, asked them questions. Asked questions about their kids. Paid attention to their kids' accomplishments in class so I could make genuine comments and cheered for them in tournaments. Facebook friended them, and now I'm one of their friends too. They didn't invite me though. So what? I'm used to not having the "gift" of easy magnetism, but I've also learned that being sincere and nice and brave goes a long way and almost no one rejects your efforts-I actually never have been rejected since I started making an effort. I also reach out to the quiet or new people in the waiting room even if it's a smile or to chat. Its not my nature, but I can certainly do it. I know all too well you can sit in that waiting room for months and none of those nice people will say anything to you if you're new. I do though.

I got one reminder along these lines from my VERY social friend a few years ago. I got her to join my gym which I had been a member of for three years. She knew NOBODY there. Several weeks later, we were walking in together and she HIGH-FIVED the guy at the desk, called him by name and asked him about his girlfriend's college exam..??! I had been signing in and out of the gym for three years and had never exchanged more than a polite "hello" with him. I didn't even know his name. Likewise she knew most of the ladies in our Zumba class by name and was making lunch plans with some...??!! I knew NO ONE IN THAT GYM!!!! So you know what I did? I started looking around, smiling, making small-talk in classes, learning names, chatting with instructors. And voila. I have lots of friends there now. But I had to change my natural behavior.

Sometimes shyness and a history of being introverted keeps us from being the fun and caring people we need to be to attract and keep friends. And some of us are just happier with less friends. But if you want more, go make them!! And it's a great example for your kids, who probably don't have your "problem" yet. But even if they are somewhat introverted, you can teach these lessons and show them a mom who has lots of people in the community who are friends.

Invite yourself into those weekly play dates if you want to go! Or the next time something like that happens if that was in the past. Unless these people don't like you guys, they're not going to refuse to let you attend! They somehow just figured you weren't interested, or they didn't think about you at all. Or you weren't as bubbly and engaged when the meetings started or whatever the magical spell is. but go, be fun, and have fun, and invite yourself several times if you must. And you know what? Since they all know each other better, you may be the odd man out for a few play dates. No worries! Just be cheery and don't try too hard. Say a cheerful goodbye after. Unless you're magic and magnetic like some, you're not the only one who has to do this.

Not sure how old your daughter is-but regardless I would suggest getting her into activites. Soccer, girl scouts, etc. And it's good that you've realized that this is a problem for you. Push yourself too. Maybe volunteer to lead sone of these activities. Or try to invite others for play dates, dinner etc.

There have been times when I'm focusing on teaching my kids a skill-say manners when I realize I could do a little better too. One of the benefits of being a momma.

ETA: I have a neighbor who seems a little socially inept. She has tried to bring the kids by a few times and were always very welcoming. She doesn't get any of my clues (i.e. When I told her I needed to make dinner she didn't realize that it was time to go). Her kids seem very effected by this. One doesn't talk in school and the other two are very meek in front of adults-but my kids report that they are very rude and bratty when out of earshot. So, yes-I would say that if I was in your shoes I would want to work on this.

I am sure everything with your daughter is fine, she is very young still! My daughter played alone quite a bit...more like...near others with occasional interaction for a long time. She is 6 now, and this year has just now had a big interest in girl friends and visits and such. That just now changed. My son, just witnessed him yesterday at preschool, sat and watched a while...(he is 3) he was definitely just doing his own thing! I would say that 8 out of 10 kids there were doing just the same thing though, its very age appropriate! So, at 5, yes my daughter was social, but not overwhelmingly so. If your daughter is expressing that she feels rejected by others, that's one thing, but if shes perfectly happy doing her own thing, so be it! It may be an intelligence thing. Really. Now, as for you, I can identify with your insecurities. Becoming a mother really complicates the social life, but it can also do the opposite. We moved to TX from CA when our oldest was 2. We did not know a soul! I had to get my shy self out of my comfort zone and start meeting people. The very first friend I made actually was from this site. (Awkward? lol) I met a few others through her, and after a while, I knew more and more people. It is such an odd thing really to try and reach out to other grown women in friendship....it does almost seem like dating...you never know what to say really...I get that...going for coffee is always a good excuse, if you're into that :) A lady I know saw me in the Starbucks line one day after dropping our three year olds off at school and so once she knew I liked coffee too she asked me to join her the next time we took our little ones to school. That is probably honestly the first time I have been asked by someone else, in real life...not started somehow online. Anyway, it takes effort. You don't have to be embarrassed to ask someone to do something like that...its not creepy...I don't think an acquaintance would be creeped out by you asking to go have coffee sometime! Or you could say something along the lines of wanting to get your littlest ones together for a playdate at the park or a local playplace? Then just see what happens from there? Good luck...don't get down on yourself, I have been there and still sometimes am. We moved here almost 5 years ago and I just finally now feel that I know a good group of friends. It takes time!

Mama Llama ~~ you could have written this for me. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Down to the neighbor part :) I also feel like I see friendly faces around and have nice acquaintances, but how to build a friendship from that? Isn't it odd to invite someone you see on occasion, have nice chit-chat, think maybe we'll be friends, to coffee or something? To me it feels like asking someone out on a date. I feel awkward, and I'm sure that awkwardness makes the other person feel uneasy around me. IDK either.

Activities outside of school. Classes through your park district or pool or other community center. She'll be busy doing things she likes and no one will be home thinking about the play date they are not at. She'll also get a chance to interact with other kids outside of school. Then all of a sudden she's so busy she doesn't have time for them anyway.

Friendships like any other relationship take trust, time, and nuturing. Since you have had trouble in the past with friendships are you holding back and unable to trust or afraid of being hurt? Are you willing to put time and energy into a true freindship? This means spending time with your friend going out for coffee or lunch or a girls day/night out. It also means helping and listening when they need you. If you are holding back and not really investing your time and attention to friendships you won't have any close friends.
I admit I am sometimes a guilty of doing this very thing. I want friendships but I have been so hurt by people I put my time and trust in, I tend to back off when I should be getting involved. I am working on it but it is hard.

I see that your daughters are five and three. I know this is easy to say and hard to do, but you need to hear this: Please don't let your own issues color how you view your kids and their interactions with others. You have to step back from your emotions, your memories of not fitting into those cliques and your feeling that you are "doing something wrong." You have to be able to separate those issues and feelings -- which are about you and your past and your personality, not about her or her future -- from your child's everyday life.

It's very, very telling that you refer to "I don't know what I'm doing wrong." You say, "...my problem--whatever it is...." "Since I don't know what I'm doing wrong...." Would you seriously consider getting some counseling for yourself? It sounds as if you have some serious self-respect and self-doubt issues and unless you can resolve those and stop thinking of yourself as "doing wrong" and having a "problem" you will project that onto your kids and see yourself as failing them, and them as having a problem that needs solving. I truly would advise you to see someone about your own relationships to others and the way that you talk down about yourself; handle that, and get yourself into better emotional shape so that you don't worry yourself sick, or telegraph to your kids that they have issues when they don't. You can do it; you CAN stop seeing yourself as the problem, as being or doing wrong, but please get an outsider to help you do it. This may not take years of therapy -- it could be as simple as pastoral counseling if you're involved in a church, or a few talks with a counselor at a women's center, etc. But look after yourself first, now, so that you don't find your mind turns every little instance of overhearing about a playdate into a spiral of "Why wasn't my child invited? What's wrong with me, with her, with us?"

It's also normal for kids at three and five to still want to do some separate play. And it's normal for some people simply to have personalities where they will have fewer close friends and that is OK. But you don't see it as OK and it worries you--hence the idea that maybe you can get yourself to a mental place where you are not projecting your own wishes and worries onto your kids. If they have normal outlets for meeting and interacting with their peers (preschool, school, activities that interest them and interest is key...) they will be OK, but they may or may not have "a lot of friends."

As you are different people, you may have different hurdles and barriers to overcome in forming closer friendships.

If she's alright with playing on the sidelines leave it be. While you felt a void for lack of close friends, she might. Be careful not to make your issues hers.

Best,
F. B.