PLEASE Help Me Find Out What I'm Doing Wrong

Where do you live? I am involved in a Mom's Club in Maple Grove. I can probably track down some info for you if you are interested. My email is ____@____.com.

Hi N. - I too moved - now 7 years ago and while it's tough to make new friends - I think it's even tougher to make them when you're older!! I joined a mom's group by looking on meetup.com. I've made great friends through my group!! Hope this helps!!

Hi N.,
Don't give up! It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. I grew up in Kansas City all my life and had a ton of friends when I moved to Omaha at 32. It took quite a long time to make friends. One reason I think is because people here, while nice, tend to keep to themselves at first and the second reason was my age. Most people my age had families and their circle of friends established already, so it was hard to break into these groups.
I was a teacher also so after awhile I started to develop friendships there, but it took a good year I would say before I did anything outside of school with anyone. When my son was 6 weeks old, I enrolled him at Gymboree. It was fun for both of us because it got us out doing something fun together, but also I met other moms with the same interests and kids the same age. I am on facebook and found a great local mom's/playgroup and do a ton of stuff with them now. I am involved with MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and that provides another opportunity to meet women around my age with similar interests. Don't give up. It took me several years before I felt like I had friends like I did in KC. Hope this helps!
A.

Is there a family center in your area? If the kids are in school-join the parents group. Are your kids in any groups? Try volunterring for them.

Hey N.,
I am kind of in the same boat, I moved back to Wisconsin last December after living in Dallas for 6 years. My husband and I are from Madison but now live in New Berlin and I too have not met many new mom's and would also like to join a mom's group or enjoy a Mom's night out once in a while. I just had my first baby in July and love being a mom but would like to have some "me" time outside of the house. I was working part time before baby and met some nice ladies there but decided not return, I'm actually looking for other opportunities, my back ground is in retail/visual merchandising-I know work is a great outlet to meet new people so maybe you can network with the people you work with. I also belong to a health clubwhich is full of mom's. Freinds of mine in Dallas who were Monther's belonged to a Mom's group where they went to dinner once a month for a Mom's Night out, it seemed like a lot of fun! Maybe we can use Mammasource to coordinate something like that?

What about the church that you attend? Do they have Bible studies, women's groups, or family activities? That is where a lot of my social interaction comes from! I am a very shy person so I have no other advice for you. If it wasn't for my church I would be in the same position as you.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have lived here almost 22 years and my best friend lives in FL. I have a friend here and that is it. I know other people but I wouldn't say they are friends though. I don't really associate with parents from school even though I have 3 kids in school, everyone is either old, way too young or our parenting style clashes. I am very old school, I don't freak out that my kids might hear a swear word, or that they might get to watch a pg-13 movie, I grew up in the 80's and my parents & grandparents were a lot older than my friends' parents by at least 10 years but they got along...I think sometimes if you don't conform to being politically correct people won't include you, so I am content on being with my kids and husband who is a lot like me. We don't live in a dictatorship (yet) and I'm sorry but I think every parent is entitled to parent their children how they see fit. I don't necessarily agree with a lot of what I see but hey it's not my kid, not my place to criticize. But that doesn't mean you can't be friends or does it?

I do agree that you will probably have to do some reaching out to people, it may turn out that they feel the same way you do.

You got a lot of great responese hun & I hope you explore alot of those great ideas. What kind of a Church do you go to? Are you involved in any small group or anything in your Church. I know I kinda have a hard time finding friends I to am a busy mom with a new Christian outlook on life and that in itself can make it hard to make frieds. Try getting involved in your Church there is always great people there with a loving outlook on life! If not in the church your going to go look around at others you will find a place that you fit in. Pray GOd is always there when we are on the mountain top and when were in the valleys. If you ever need to talk my email is ____@____.com

It's really hard to date and make friends in the TwinCities I read somewhere once that people are in their clicks and unintentionally aren't out looking to make new friends.

My only friends are either from school back 10 years ago or from church.

I don't really get it either. I feel I'm so different and different in my parenting style I just clash with people.

Single Mom, Tomboy, and can be really strict with my kids doesn't click with alot of mom's out there.

It's really hard :) I'm in the same boat as you are - since I moved down here last year, I've met moms and neighbors, who have all been very nice and friendly, but haven't seemed to make any real connections with anyone. I am also telling my kids that they need to make friends, but don't set a very good example myself for them.

I think it is really hard as an adult to form friendships. It's easy to chat with some moms at football practice or wrestling, but to take it to the "next level" is difficult. I feel very left out at alot of these functions because moms will come up and say "hi" and chat for a minute, but then they tend to "clique" up with the same moms/friends they have known for years and sit with them and chat for the rest of the practice. It is especially difficult where I live because this is a really small town and most everyone has known each other for years.

I don't have any real advice for you - being in activities like community ed classes gets you around people with the same interests as you, but as a working mom with kids, there hardly seems to be enough time for those kinds of things.

I wish I could be more helpful. Just wanted you to know that you aren't the only mom out there facing this issue :)

I have the same problem... we moved here 5 years ago, and the only friend I have made is because my husband is in a band. The singer and his wife moved here not very long ago, so we quickly became friends... but they live 2 hours away.
I don't think it is you, or me :) I think that people get older and don't have enough time to invest in a new relationship. This makes it really difficult for people who have relocated.
I wish I had advice for you... I will be reading all of your replies :)

HI N.,

I'm in the same boat too. I'm forming a group for newcomers at Mother's Day, which is a place I just opened in Chanhassen for moms of all kinds. If you're in the west metro you can look us up. Best wishes,

G.

Does your church have ladie's circles you could join? Is there a mom's club in your area? Have you checked into book clubs at your local book store? How about joining a bowling league, volleyball, etc.?

Sometimes it is very hard to meet new people. But some suggestions that I can make are: One of people's favorite subjects is themselves so be prepared with questions when you have introduced yourself, Join a group whether it is a church group, book club or some other group that interests you. Having a common interest with others makes it easier to talk to them and get to know them. Another way to meet people is to volunteer. However it sounds like you are out there I think you just have to take the first step and introduce yourself and strike up a conversation. Once you talk to someone a few times then ask them if they want to do something like get a cup of coffee, go out for a drink, have lunch, or maybe go to a movie.

I feel the same as you. I have many acquaintances but not many I really call friends. It can get lonely, especially when I overhear other moms talk about their girls nights out. I am not an out-going person so that makes things tough. During my last few years since I started being a SAHM I've found that I need to crawl out of my shell and initiate friendships, otherwise I find most of the time no one wants to take that first step. So the few friends I do have I've had to assert myself. I've also stepped outside my comfort zone and have gone solo to my kids events, school activities etc, and this has helped some. Still though I don't have a core group of friends that do GNO or even just meet for lunch, etc...I think a lot has to do w/ the fact that many of us still have young kids at home and are juggling multiple kids so it just makes it tough. I hope that once my kids start getting into more sports, girl scouts, and other things I'll have a chance to meet and get to know lots of moms. Just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone and lots of us feel this way.

Did you try face book and look up friends on there! Also I think you are trying tooo hard! I go to my childrens social advents at school too! Try the Childcare Connection in the area they have playdates that you can bring your kids too! Also When your kids are invited to birthday parties bring them and get to meet the parents by talking to them. I never know what to say either. But Hi how is it going works for me. Good luck meeting new people!

YOU need to take the first step. And don't let your feelings get hurt if it doesn't work.

Random example: Tell a few targeted friends that you will be walking around Lake Nokomis on Sunday. If they want to meet you, you'll be in the southeast parking lot between 1 and 1:15. If they show up, great! If they don't go for a walk yourself. If walking's not your thing, choose another activity. Just choose something you truly like to do.

In short: Live YOUR life first, and let others join YOU.

P.S. Here's a local mom who had the same problem. She started a walking club. Group brainstorm some themes to use with children www.happytrailsclub.net

At this stage it so hard to make friends. It's not like Jr. High and High School when we are all so eager. It just doesn't come easy in this time frame of life because as women we are so focused on our family life and being exhausted we don't have time to go out and make new friends. It's a lot of energy. So we just kind of stick to the ones we had before family life happened because we don't have to cultivate anything. Sounds sad I know, but that's how things land. Especially if you move some place during the winter months. Hang in there, you are doing everything right. Once you meet one person then you will meet others through them. Like a chain reaction. You will most likely have to meet someone in the same boat as you are where you have a common ground. I guarantee there are other women in your situation some place near you. But it's just not something you go out and say - HEY! I NEED FRIENDS I'M LONELY! So you guys wander around each other not knowing there could be a great friendship there. Once you find them you will have so much to talk about in regards to how hard it is to meet friends at this stage. HANG IN THERE!

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I moved here three years ago, and I am just now beginning to connect with soul friends. During those years I have met lots of nice people, but nice people is not the same as good soul-friend-sister-buddies. The less you worry about it, the more you will attract people.
Please email me. I have some more suggestions for you, and I'd love to help. ____@____.com

Girl I feel your pain. I moved away from home 10 years ago and aside from a few acquaintances I didn't have much for friends. The friends I do have are older ones from school that I keep in touch with. Within the last year or so I started making 1 really good friend. I guess it was persistence. It seemed like we both were interested in making a friendship but it was quite awkward to begin with. We just kept inviting each other over to our houses (probably a couple of times a month) and little by little we became good friends now we meet up a couple times a week for walks and coffee.. So any advice I have would be invite them over or out to dinner or something. Just get some one on one time with someone that you feel a little closer to. Hope it works out. It can be very lonely there are many of us out there that are well too aware of that.

Hello N.,

Hang in there. I am a 42 year old Mom of 2 (a girl 3 and a boy 4) and I have found since I had my children I do not socialize as much as before. Most of my "friends" either don't have kids or have kids older than mine and don't really have time to get together. It is hard. I also find that it is hard to make new friends since families are so busy these days.

A lot of parents tell me that when my kids start getting involved in activities that I will meet many new people and will become friends becuase of our commom activities. In the mean time I try to enjoy the time with my kids and my family. I am lucky and have a large family that gets together often but I too wish I had a closer friend to do things with.

I am not sure if that helps you any I just want to let you know that it is not just you who finds being a mom sometimes a loney thing.

M.

My experience has been that going to church services alone, I didn't make friends. Getting involved in small groups, and teaching the toddler's class, I did make connections that were a blessing to my life. I am quiet and not outgoing, and it still worked!

OK, you are not alone. I am having a horrible time meeting people. I am a single mom, have gone out to meet people and it just seems people are not welcoming. I have been unable to find other mother's interested in play dates or just a girl's night out. It is sad. I have NEVER had issues making friends or meeting new people. The other side to it is I moved from a very large city in the South to Appleton and the culture is different. Im planning on reading your posts to see how people respond as I am at a loss as well.

Hi N.:
I know where you are coming from. Been there done that. I have a couple of ideas for you:
1) next time you are at an event for your kids invite some of the kids and their parents over for a party to celebrate the kids (soccer victory--good concert etc)
2)volunteer to work on a committee at church
3)find a networking group through your side business( I am a minister and just found a networking group for wedding professionals)
4)volunteer at the hospital or a museum
5) invite the neighbors over for coffee and danishes
6)talk to people--I know it's so difficult but next time you are out at a business or kid event make a comment on someone's cute purse or shoes or outfit or hair-do.
I hope these ideas help.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It's very difficult to make friends in a new place especially in the winter when everyone stays inside. I've moved several times to new cities and found that each time is harder than the last. Now that I have a child, I try to meet other mother's by signing my baby up for parent child classes and going to the park frequently. I just joined a club that has playgroups and other activities. It doesn't always work, but I just keep trying. Your church might have activities if there are lots of young families. Making friends as an adult is different from children making friends.

Meet the moms in the neighborhood, your kids' friends moms, just strike up a conversation, find something that you are both into and go for it. It doesn't have to be anything huge, just be yourself.

Hey N. -

Have you ever thought about joining a mom's group in the area? There are actually quite a few of them. There is also a website called www.meetup.com and there are tons of groups on there to get involved with. I had a hard time finding other moms that had kids, but once I joined ecfe in Woodbury I found a great group of mom's. I also work out at Lifetime in Woodbury and have met many other mom's there as well. How old are your kids?

'

I have the same problem. I moved away and didn't have any "real" friends for many years. Then I had my 1st child and stay home and I needed adult interaction. I went online and searched for moms groups. I found a great group through Yahoo groups. I really connected with them and most of them had kids around my kids age so we had playdates, moms night in / out, family nights, and before we moved the dads were starting to go out with just the guys. We moved in June back to where I grew up and I don't have any friends with kids and its hard. I've created a Yahoo group for moms but it isn't working the way it did where we lived before. Hope you have some luck and can make some friends soon.

Hi N., I am D., you can email me sometime at ____@____.com, I am in college at ITT Tech and have four great kids!

It looks like you got a ton of great support and responses. I am so glad! Feeling rejected sucks. I don't know where you live, but I live in S. Mpls. I moved around alot as a kid, and I am not good about meeting new people. I enjoy people very much, but I am not too crazy about superficial chitchat. I have a few great friends and some neighborhood friends, but would enjoy hanging out with you if geography allows. I have four kids and work very part-time as a social worker.

Hi Nikki-
I am sure it is nothing you are doing "wrong". I think many women do retreat socially when they have kids, especially young ones. I was always very social before kids, and I am still with kids but in a different manner. I am too tired to stay up late with my single friends or frinds with older kids whoi want to go out late. So I tend to get left out of the invites to those activities. That is fine with me for now but I am sure there will come a time when my kids are older and I feel ready for more "me" time.
I also think working moms can struggle with time spent away with friends and time with kids, when adding in time at work. That also may impact the availability and interest of other moms.
I think the easiest way to connect with new people is to be involved in activities you enjoy as this will natually tend to draw people with the same interests. This might be c-workers, clients, etc. or it might be mom's groups, pre-school functions, or other kid related stuff, or it might be topic related such as a book club, investment circle, business networking groups, chambers of commerce events, etc.
Usually someone has to be the organizer and the assertive one. I am often the mom who gets asked to join play dates with our son. I am not usually the organizer. So if I wanted more opportunities to get to know other moms, I would expect myself to initiate more playdates.
I think in today's busy, over-committed, internet dependent, community disconnected world - it is hard to make friends especially in a new environment. Just keep putting yourself out there in the places that make the most sense, be open to new interests that others might enjoy sharing with you, and initiate opportunities with others.
Good luck.
D.

yeah im taking it that this is a common question if you got no responses before.

i have the same problem. around here, it seems that all anyone wants to do for social activities is drink, and im a non drinker. i dont like parties, i dont like smoke, i dont like alcohol, and i dont even like hanging around where alcohol IS (boy im sounding SO MUCH like my mother right now)..

so i feel your pain. if i knew a quick solution, i would give it to you. i feel like im a rather friendly person, but im constantly intimidated by the idea that i might sound stupid to someone else, that i will be rejected for saying something, (its happened, i was the uncool kid in high school, and im assuming that you were too...)

so, the answer is ... nonexistent. it sounds like you are doing a lot, and none of it is helping. not quite reassuring, as i dont do much right now, and i see that even doing a lot might not help.

im kinda a loner anyway. i would rather have one really close friend than a bunch of superficial ones. im pretty picky about who i let in (hence the no smoking/drinking environment thing) and i tend to come on strong about my feelings on things and that apparently doesnt jive with someone who doesnt see it that way. i dont know. perhaps i dig my own grave here. :P

anyway, write to me. its nice to just have someone to talk to, even if its someone you dont know. we as mothers always need an outlet. ;) you say you are creative, what do you like to do? im a photographer (kinda) and i love to sing. :) im pretty creative that way too... though neither talent gets really expressed a lot right now... its not like i can be a photographer or singer and make a lot of money at either. but its what i love! :D
so anyway.
i would love to just talk too, you know? :)

I have the same problem! I am new to the GA area and I am a stay at home MOM. I am finding it very difficult to make friends and also make friends for my kids! I am very far from you but I posted something on this site and I got a few responses so I am hoping sometihng works out. Don't give up! It will happen in time!

N. - I think many moms are in your similar situation. I also think time can be an issue when it comes to getting together. I have found that most of my fun with friends have been through church groups, school groups (through my kids' school) as well as activity clubs. My dtr is in dance and I have found a great core group of friends there. WIth practices being often and at times long, it gives us moms actually a chance to talk. Maybe have a party at your house after some of your kids' sports/activities if that is what they do. Or plan a fun playdates with your kids and kids' families from school. I also just became part of the PTA just to meet other moms. I have found that my closest friends right now are the ones I have the MOST in common with. Even though I live near my oldest friends (ones from HS, family friends) - because they don't have kids yet or are in a different stage in life, I don't get together with them as much because it's hard to find a convenient time OR it just feels weird sometimes. It's hard juggling a toddler in your lap when the person across the table from you has no children and has a difficult time with distractions/interruptions. It sounds like you are already quite busy. Are you just bored with what you are already doing?? Maybe get involved in an exercise group. Best of luck to you.

I just want to respond and tell you it is not you. I moved to MN 4 years ago and have the same problem. I have lived in multiple places and have NEVER had a problem making friends. Not to sound like a Debbie Downer but what I have kind of figured out is that most the people in the midwest dont move. They have all their friends from high school and all their family lives close by. They dont let "extras" in to their groups. The friends i have made here are not from here. I have tried Moms clubs and Mops group (which is out of my element anyways, but I tried). I feel your pain. Hopefully joining some kind of group or meeting people through your childrens school will help.

People in MN can be what is called "Minnesota Nice", meaning they say hi and do small talk, but don't further the relationship more than that. You have to find a way to break through that initial superficiality. I would encourage you to not just go to church or these other activities, but to really get involved. Go to specific events and then make it a goal to get to know one or two people. Volunteer- that's a great way to get to know others. Then, once you've established rapport with someone, take the initiative to invite them out for coffee or to dinner. Many times, people are waiting, like you, to be invited to do something. Everyone needs friends, not just you... Best wishes!

I go to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. You can look for a group in your ____@____.com. Sometimes I just strike up random conversations at the park or with other parents at my kids' school. It is hard but sometimes I just have to go out of my comfort zone and schedule a "date" with another mom I know of. I have to be intentional. Good Luck!

I am not sure how old your children are but you could try finding a MOPS group and that would help to connect with other moms. Also you could join a bible study or I know the church I attend has a ladies night every month. It's not much but hopefully it will help a little. I have been there it's not fun! I kind of in the same predictiment but I at least have my family near by so it's not so bad.

J.
mom to 3 wonderful kids and a full time paraeducator to a wonderful high school boy!

I am sorry no one contacted you about making new friends...I see here many have written to you. I would think that you could mention where you live since we are not all from the same area, and that might help finding friends here online. I live in Muskego, WI and work part time and am free on M,W,F. (____@____.com)

Sorry you are having a hard time in a new place. Growing up moving from place to place until I was 13, I understand how hard it is in new towns. I was shy also so wasn't comfortable making the first move towards friendship. I started being a leader for my daughters brownie troop and that was the world of difference to me. I learned to be outgoing and was able to force myself to make the first move in a lot of new situations. I also found that new people in town feel that our town has it's little groups that is hard to get into. I was surprised because when we moved here at 13, I never felt so accepted in a new place before.

When you go to church or you are at the school, pick out someone friendly with kids your kids ages and ask them if they would like to come over some afternoon for coffee. Do this with one person at a time and let them get to know you. When you want to go shopping, call one of them up and ask if they would like to have a womans day out shopping with you. Buy their lunch if you can afford it to show a open friendly togetherness. Next time you go out and she says she was buying lunch since you bought last time, say thank you and let her. It is easy to get lost in a busy life and without a weekly get together, it is easy to lose touch with friends. Once you get a group of women together, make it a weekly get together or at least a monthly one. My old co workers and I have a group that we get together at least once a month (well most months.. even though summer seemed to fly by to fast) and we celebrate those who have had birthdays that month and just visit over dinner out. We also go to fun places, movies, concerts whatever is going on that we would like. A few of us get together when we can to do our crafts and visit.. or to garden and work in each others flower beds.

So don't wait to have someone ask you to be a friend, make the first move and you will find that you aren't alone in feeling lonely and together you and your new friends can become sisters.

Hi N.,
I grew up here in MN and I still have quite a few of my friends from school but I have found some of my newest bestfriends through some of my kids activities! I have 2 kids, my son is in Boy Scouts and my daughter is in Girl Scouts. They both play numerous sports and I have found I have a lot in common with their friends parents. Most of my newer friends are 7+ years older than I am but we are all in the same spot in life, raising our kids and being involved as parents! I would suggest sending an invite to some of the acquaitances for a girls night out to Applebees or Old Chicago! Where do you live?
Best of Luck!!!
~M. C.
I have 2 kids 12 & 10 years old, my own photography business and just stay super busy!

You have LOTS of responses. Are there other families in your new neighborhood? If so, contact a few of the moms, OR get their email addresses. Then send a group email, reminding them who you are, and invite them to a mom's night out. Poll them for a good night/time and give them plenty of notice. We do this in my neighborhood and we LOVE it. We do it once a month--once we got going we just said, "Okay, 2nd Thursday of the month" and we go alphabetically through local restaurants so we get a variety. some months only 2 or 3 of us make it and sometimes there's as many as 7 or 8 of us. Usually it's just dinner, cocktails/happy hour optional for those that partake; some carpool from the neighborhood and some just meet us there right after work. It has been great for me to do this b/c I moved here (WI) from out of state and knew NOONE. Met my husband here--he is a "lifer". And while his friends' wives are all very nice, it's obvious that I did not "grow up" with them. So it's nice to have friends that are not from work or "his friends's wives" all the time) Ironically, one of the families the mom is my sister in law's (husband's sister) best friend! But oh well! Anyway--the email route is nice b/c then you get a running dialog of the plans and what days do/don't work. Same would work for small play dates where you invite the parents to stay--email, while impersonal, is sometimes most practical and allows people to respond without worrying if it's too late/early to call, etc.

I meet most of my friends through church. Even though I have a lot of them, I rarely get invited out and it DOES get super lonely. Moms just get busy! I figure if I don't have time to invite someone over, they don't either. Someone has to do the reaching out. It might as well be you. That's what I do. Good luck! I know what you're going through.

Have you looked into joining a MOMS Club in your area? It is a great way to meet other moms who live in your area. That is how I got to know other stay at home moms in my neighborhood. We have quite an active group with even a monthly mom's night out event on the calendar.

I can relate. Moved here 12 years ago. Went from being single with lots of friends I went out and did things with to a husband, baby (who's now 9 years old), and new area where we knew absolutely no one. My daughter was very sick as a child; we discovered she has Sensory Processing Disorder when she was 5, which explained a lot of the neediness and meltdowns she had (and still has, to a degree). So when she was younger, my life was dictated by her moods and what she could/could not tolerate.

I'm a writer and joined a writers' group in town right away when we moved here. While I see everyone once a month, trying to get someone interested in going out and doing something is a totally different matter. This year I joined a group for gluten intolerance/other food allergis. Again, I see these people once a month, but trying to get together...

Times are not like they were when I grew up, when neighbors came over and hung out and had coffee and cookies and visited. You'd think joining groups where others have the same common interests as you would help. It helps me in the way that I am able to get out and about and see people and talk to them, even if it's only once a month. So I'm not totally isolated, and if I genuinely needed help, there are a few people in my two groups I can call on for help. Just no one to go to the mall with once in a while, or do other things with.

I do a few things at church, when I'm able, but I'm also battling some health issues. Fatigue wears me down a lot, so on my end, I'm just not that up and able to do many things or go many places. And, just about anything you want to do when out and about costs money, so that also is an issue to deal with. I love to just visit people, so I wouldn't mind inviting someone over to chat, etc., but many people these days need something to stimulate them, like a mall. Many people aren't interested in sitting around and visiting.

One reason, I think, for the dearth of friendships these days is that everyone's so busy, no one has time for friendships anymore. Husbands, work, kids, activities, errands, household chores, you name it, everyone has them. Some are single and have to single parent or hold down two or even three jobs to help pay bills. I have a business and work at home; most of the people I know work full-time jobs. So getting together to do things becomes complicated. One friend I have, we met in our birthing classes. We haven't seen each other in probably almost a year. She got busy, I got busy...she also takes her son places to do things, and being on a budget, I just can't hardly afford for my daughter and I to join them very often.

I'm a fun, out-going person who is a sort of introvert/extrovert. That is, I have no problem sitting at home alone, day after day, editing in my office. Yet I love people and every once in a while, I need to take a day off and just go out. Go run errands, go look at little boutique shops, go walk the mall. Anything to get out of the house and go see people. I also have no trouble approaching people and striking up a conversation, so sometimes, that's how I get my "people fix."

There are many reasons, but yeah, I hear you. My husband's hobby is Civil War reenacting. He's been able to connect and make friendships easier than I have...probably because they spend an entire weekend, out communing with nature. Who knows. The nice thing is that, through him, I know these people as well. But most of the reenactors are men. So.

I have done extensive reaching out to people but haven't seen too much reaching out back to me. It's like I feel I am working very hard to connect and make friends, but I'm always the one calling, checking in, making appointments to get together, making playdates for my daughter (with moms that I get along with)...and the other day I realized, I'm not having anyone call me to set up playdates or to get together to go do something.

Like you, I'm very interested in this topic and would be very interested in hearing what other moms have to say on the subject. My life doesn't totally revolve around my daughter; I have my own life, with my own interests and hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily equate or trickle down to "friends." And I still think the biggest hurdle is the time factor. No one has any. But maybe some other moms out there have some ideas, like maybe why people just aren't intersted in reaching out and establishing friendships anymore.

Mmm, that might be a good research topic...

Hey N.,
Sorry about that - you really do need good friends in your life! I have found, for myself, that I often need to take the lead in making friends. Most people in our stage of life are just so busy that they don't go out of their way to start up new relationships if they already have a core group of friends. Since you just moved here, you do not. You are doing the right things by being active and involved. My only suggestion is for you to take the first step. Find someone who you think you may have a bit in common with (kids the same age and someone with the same hobbies is a good start) and then just be brave - invite this person and her kids to a playdate. Either over to your house or to a park. Then rather than waiting for her, start asking her about herself, her family, etc. You may have to do this many times, but the effort will pay off. If your kids are young enough, consider trying to start up a playgroup in your neighborhood. A neighborhood park is a great place to meet other moms as well. Take your kids there and introduce yourself to the other parents. But dont' stop there - engage them in conversation. That way you can say later that you 'know them' and you'll feel comfortable later on maybe even inviting them over.
Good luck!

Have you talked to you kid's friends? I have found friendships with my daughter's friend's parents.

Have you bonded with anyone at work? Are your hobbies something that is social, like scrapbooking or knitting; there are groups out there for that and many scrapbooking stores have crops. I've met people there also.

It's hard to make friends as an adults. I do go to events alone sometimes (like scrapbooking events or doll collector events) because it forces me to be outgoing & meet new people.

What part of the city do you live in? I'm in Bloomington.

Hmm...we moved to northern MN two years ago and remarkably, I've found the opposite. But, this is after 6 years of living in Washington state, where we had the SAME problem...and I think here's what we learned. In WA, we lived too far away from our church to truly commit to being there. We attended every Sunday, and participated in things that we could, but we didn't have "room"--like emotional room--to add a long list of friends to that huge commute. Now that we live close, we teach Sunday School, have started a mom's group, my husband attends a men's group, and bring meals to new families and families with someone in the hospital. We are WAY more connected. We also try to attend all the potlucks we can! :) The other place I've met a ton of people is ECFE. I don't know how old your kids are, but even in our small community, they have night classes; I would guess that might be the case for you too. I taught also when I was living in WA, and I know my husband was constantly after me to eat lunch with other teachers. I preferred not to; they were very negative and made my day much harder to bear (when I ate in my room, I had kids there that thought I was the bomb--a much more positive lunch experience)...but I know I missed out on socializing with other teachers. In our new neighborhood (we lived in teh country before), we take walks and bike rides regularly and find ourselves getting to know our neighbors that way. The more chatty ones will stop and talk (for 30 minutes sometimes!) and the less chatty ones simply nod to acknowledge that you exist. But...when I see those people in and around town, we have one more thing going for us, and eventually we sometimes realize it might be worth trying out friendship. And finally...I think a lot of moms are afraid to put themselves out there. I know a woman who has lived in this community her entire life, and is so nice and fun and generous. Yet she says she has no friends! But then I think...she's never invited ME anywhere; maybe she doesn't like me?? Then why does she come to the park with me every week? I don't know...so the other day, I invited her to go to Ely with me one day when the kids were in school--and she lit up!!! Success! I've never invited before, a) because I'm busy b) because I'm afraid my kids will screw it up for me and c) because I'm afraid everyone ELSE has these busy, social lives. The reality is they don't. Try to keep in mind how you probably have been invited places--even in a group. If someone's including you, it's because they want to get to know you. Oh--one more--if you are attending school events, like concerts and sporting events, those aren't necessarily the best place to get to know other parents. Figure out how much time you have to contribute, and find a group/committee/situation where you can be of service. My oldest is just in kindergarten, but I'm seriously considering joining the PTA, for two reasons: one, so I can have friends, and two, so I can get my name circulating around the schools and hopefully get a job! Notice none of my motivations is "improving my son's school"!! :) Anyway--that's a small group where people HAVE to talk, not focus on the game/song/concert whatever. And one last thought...you sound VERY busy. If you are constantly talking about how busy you are, you might be putting people off--they assume you have this full, social life with very exciting things to do (your "a little about me" sounds daunting to me!) and that you don't WANT their friendship. Sometimes tossing out an idea..."gee...I'd really like to get into ...scrapbooking...cooking...gardening...does anyone know where I can...?" might be the opening someone is looking for to get to know you. Good luck; I know how frustrating it is; ultimately, this is the reason we moved back across the country--but we learned a lot about ourselves, too!