Feeling like a Crappy Mom

I remember once 2 years ago when my son was in first grade, my son had a HORRIBLE morning ending with a crying, snotting episode in the car.
I was SO upset, I got to work and emailed the teacher and told her we had a rough morning and how was he doing?
Her response?
"Well, you wouldn't know it. He's perfectly fine!"
Enough said? LOL

I'll bet this is bothering you waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than it bothered him.

Just get him into a morning routine & try to stick to a set routine/schedule.

Chin up!

You did the right thing. Even if time wise it would have come out in the wash you did the right thing not going home for the corn dog.

The only reason you are considering the I am bigger so you have to listen to me is that is the parenting you received. That was not what you were practicing. You were practicing cause and effect. He didn't make his needs known therefore they are not met. Next time he will consider his actions, ya know?

Anyway going forward talk about the morning on the way home. Explain to him that he must make his needs known. If it was a matter of realizing on the way to school a corn dog would be great right now then he needs to learn sometimes gratification must be delayed. I would love a million dollars to appear on my desk but having a tantrum is not going to produce that million dollars.

In the end you are not being bigger, you are older and have the experience to understand you don't always get what you want when you want it. Learning that is part of growing up.

P., let me give you some advice from the perspective of having kids a lot older than your son. Feeling crappy because you don't put up with bad behavior is not doing your son ANY favors. Not setting boundaries because you don't want to look like your daddy is also not doing him any favors.

The way to find a balance is to first, stop feeling guilty. Second, ignore the crying, period. Give attention for good behavior, ignore when he has a meltdown. If you are in the house, put him in his room and don't dare let him know you are outside of the door during his tantrum. Deprive him of your presence because that only fuels his meltdown. If you are in the car, and you are in a hurry, drive through the screaming and don't let it stop you from getting to your destination. If you have some time, park the car in a parking lot and get out of the car, shut the door, and wait his tantrum out. Periodically, open the door and ask "Are you done yet?" When he realizes he isn't getting ANYWHERE with his behavior, he will quit crying. Then get back in the car and proceed with your business.

If you are out in public, drop what you are doing (hard, I know) and pick him up and take him to the car. Strap him up and stand outside the car. When you get him home, put him in his room and tell him no TV for the rest of the day because of his bad behavior at the store. If he's at the pool this summer and starts it, no more pool time for the rest of the day. Same thing at the park. Pack up and go HOME.

THESE are proper boundaries. They put a crimp in YOUR life, but they teach him a valuable lesson. What is more important to you? That he get to do things while he is screaming at you, or that he learns to behave appropriately in front of others? The ball is in your court here.

Finally, never and I really mean never, give him what he wants when he is acting this way. Don't even bother to tell him that he should have asked for a corn dog earlier while he is screaming. You cannot reason with a screaming child. That conversation is for later on. When you are in a store, never give into demands for something in the store when he is having a fit, either. There is a book called "The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmees" that you should buy and read to him very often. It will finally seep into his thought processes that having a screaming fit never gets what he wants, and instead gets him strapped into his seat with you standing outside the car ignoring him, and then sent to his room when he gets home.

As long as you feed him breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner, he is fine. As long as you take him somewhere after he has been fed and RESTED (morning or after nap), you are doing your job. The rest is him trying to manipulate you into giving him what he wants, and you must resist for the greater good.

Sending you strength, P.!
Dawn

Amen Dawn. She said everything I was going to say. Your son needs to learn, we cannot always have what we want.

Crying will definitely not get you what you want.

He needs to learn to take responsibility for not asking for what he wanted while you were at home and not on your way to school.

Hang in there mom.

Creating boundaries for children gives them a sense of comfort and control over a situation. Your son learned this morning that once you leave the house... no going back unless it's a dire emergency. A corndog (for breakfast?) is not an emergency. Tomorrow morning ask him before leaving if there's anything he wants. If he says "no"... head out the door and don't look back!

Being a softie will kick you in the coming years. He does have to listen to you because you are the mom- you have experience and knowledge that he simply doesn't have at 5. Personally, we don't use the "because I said so" line in our house- my 4 yr old is way too precocious for that and it results in 100 more questions. Instead we have set very clear expectations with respect to safety and personal behavior.

Example
Rule: In a parking lot you MUST hold a grown-up's hand.
Why?: Because it's not safe to run around. You could get very hurt.

Rule: You have to blow your nose when you are stuffy.
Why?" Because you get ear owies when you don't and have to go to the doctor (true statement for him).

Explain the logical consequence in short, simple terms. If he doesn't do what you ask, there is another logical consequence... when my son doesn't want to hold hands in a parking lot, he goes back into the car until he's ready to be safe.

It's not about "being bigger" than them... it's about keeping them safe and teaching them about the world.

There are frequently times you have to stand your ground. Those times will increase as your child grows. Standing your ground is not being mean. It's not even being authoritarian.

It is being authoritative, but that's all right because you're the authority. It's generally assumed that a parent is wiser and more responsible than a child, and therefore can manage the child better than he can manage himself. It takes anybody years and years to learn how to manage him/herself. That's what growing up is about.

"Because I say so" is a good reason for any kid when a parent is speaking. Of course, any parent who uses that argument more than just a tad is being foolish and counterproductive; but it's good for a child to know that what Mama and Daddy say *goes*. There are times when a parent simply may have to say, "Jimmy, stop doing what you're doing and go in the house right now," without explanations or pleadings, and Jimmy needs to realize that it's in his best interests to *go*. It's good when children can be trusting and parents can be trustworthy.

This whole area is good for you to delve more into, I think. Talk to your friends who seem to manage their children well, watch what they do and how they do it, and pick their brains. Tell the best and closest of them that you're out to take lessons from them. Don't let your feelings about your dad block your good mama skills.

Is the corn dog a breakfast? Or is it a whim on your son's part? Does he like to come up with demands of his mama? Is he playing a power game with you? Does he often melt down when he's unhappy? Life is chock full of unhappy moments! You're not clear on these things in your post, and I don't need to know, but you might ask yourself these questions and consider the answers.

You did the right thing. And we all feel like crappy moms sometimes because we want our kids to be happy. But teaching him, in small steps, that he needs to plan ahead and that others have needs too are vital live skills. Cars don't turn around because he wants something. Maybe you didn't want him to have a corn dog for breakfast anyway. Teach him to use his words (I know you're upset because of this, I get angry too, etc.). Acknowledge his frustration without explaining why you can't fix it.

And I think you are recognizing that your pendulum has swung the other way because of how you were raised by your strict father. So remember that you can over-compensate because of the pain you felt, but that's not necessarily helping your child in the long run.

And tomorrow will be better!

Yup, what Dawn said. I couldn't agree more!
My hubby has a hard time & always feels guilty when saying no. This has proven, over the last few years, to be counter-productive as my son has respect for me & my predictable consistency but he continues to whine & get upset with Dad. Loving your child is more than the cuddles, the kisses & the smiles. It's the boundaries, consistency & teaching them the proper ways to handle their emotions that shows balances and HEALTHY love. I once heard a quote, "Parents always say they want to be a 'good mom' or a 'good dad', but really being a good parent isn't nearly as important as being a responsible parent." It may not be easy, but it's right, and that's what really matters.

Oh, please, you're fine. Kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and we can't alter our plans on a dime just to suit them and cater to their every whim. You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. Would you have expected your own mother to such a thing for you if you pitched such a fit about something like that? You might have ended up just as late, but at least you didn't give in to your son's crying and demands and hopefully this will be one of many valuable lessons for him as he grows up. People complain about how many kids have entitlement issues these days and things like turning around to go back to the house just to get him a corn dog is how they happen. My daughter has had many a melt-down because we have left the house and she suddenly remembers something she wanted to bring and I've just told her too bad, she is not allowed to throw a hissy-fit and expect to get her way. That's just not how the real world works.

I would recommend "Love and Logic" for you - the book has been out for a while and often there are parenting classes available based off of what they teach in the book.

ETA: Just the perfect example this morning of what I sometimes have to deal with with my daughter (age 4). She asked for breakfast and I gave her a choice of toaster waffles or French toast sticks. She chose the French Toast sticks, but after they are toasted, she decides she has changed her mind and wants waffles instead, and when I tell her no, she decides to start crying and getting all upset. So she earned a time-out in her room to "pull herself together" and decide when she was ready to act like a big girl. She kept wanting to whine and demand the waffles instead, so I warned her that she said one more thing about it, we were not going to swimming at the pool like we have planned for today. That got her to snap out of it - she came out of her room after a few minutes and had a whole different (and improved) attitude, said she was sorry for throwing a fit, and then happily ate her French toast sticks. I gave her a hug, told her thank you for apologizing, told her I love you, and reminded her that sometimes "we get what we get and we don't throw a fit." If I kept trying to "make her happy" every time she decided to change her mind about something, I would drive myself bonkers, and my daughter would learn nothing except you can get your way by acting a fool. Plus, she'll be 5 in August, she isn't 2...your expectations of your children have to change as they get older and bigger. I have felt like a crappy mom at times, but this was NOT one of them! She can be unhappy about things and realize that the world does not come to an end. It's about making them resilient to life's ups and downs.

If this is not typical behavior for your son, keep in mind he could be overtired, or coming down with something. That happens with DD a lot, but she still gets disciplined the same way.

This is the first time you've had an "authority" issue in 5 years? And you feel guilty about it? Wow.

What if he had been screaming for a milkshake? Or chocolate? Would you have turned around for that? It's not JUST about telling you he wants something before you leave the house. As the parent, you have the RIGHT to decide what is/isn't good for your 5 year old. Even if my daughter had asked for chocolate/candy/whatever before we left the house, it doesn't mean she's going to get it!

Being the parent means sometimes making kids do things "against their will." This does NOT mean you aren't giving them independence. My 2 year old has plenty of freedom and independence, but she does NOT get to decide that she wants to skip brushing teeth/bath time or eat ice cream for dinner. She can, however, choose between peas or broccoli for her vegetable option. She can choose whether she wants to wear her mermaid or her butterfly pjs. Of course, at 5, your son has a lot more options open to him, but giving him freedom doesn't mean letting him rule the roost. :)

Chin up, mama. No need to feel like a terrible mom. There WILL be days your kid tells you that he hates you and you're the worst mom ever. Doesn't mean it's true. :)

I think you did just fine by not giving in! I know it sucks!

You know, sometimes the "sweet spot" between authoritarian and pushover is no fun for anyone. And when you do what's absolutely right for your kids, it's usually 20 years before anyone comes over and pats you on the back.

You did fine -- this is not a meltdown I would have honored either. If you want to really redeem the situation, though, you could sit down with your son tonight and have him plan his "lunch menu" for the rest of the week. That sounds like a fun activity for a 5-year-old and one that'll both build reading skills and give him a bit of a sense of controlling his own destiny, or at least controlling his lunch ;)

I also recommend Love and Logic.

Really, does he need a corn dog in the morning, especially after you've already left? You made the right decision. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. He was unhappy with the decision and expressed his opinion. Eventually he will learn that throwing tantrums isn't the right way to express himself. Stay strong! It doesn't mean your are being over the top autocratic.

The misconception about "I'm bigger so you have to listen" as a bad thing, is that it's not a bad thing! The more you instill the boundaries firmly when they are YOUNG the more freedom they can have as they grow into well behaved respectful humans. If you get all mired down trying to give too much freedom when they're too young for it, you'll have many more years of behavioral battles than necessary.

You said he couldn't have the corn dog. He should have had firm consequences for throwing a fit about it the moment he tried that even if it meant stopping the car to enforce after your FIRST warning to pipe down. He's much too old for tantrums. In our house, we have NEVER ignored a tantrum, that's why each of our three kids only tried one or two. There needs to be consequences for that behavior, not ignoring, negotiating, explaining, etc. Not trying to sound condescending at all, but I was lucky to have teachers in other parents who showed without doubt how much more confident, secure, happy, respectful and loving kids are when their parents are the BOSS while they are little. He will be a happier healthier person when he has his temper and "I want what I want when I want it" nipped. My 4 yo son and 6 yo daughter are practically completely self directing and almost never need discipline because all their boundaries were firmly enforced in toddlerhood. Are they brainless automatons with no critical thinking skills? No, they're just way past basic misbehavior and on to bigger and better things. It's not too late, but you do have to get past the guilt for being the boss. He needs you to be in charge. You don't have to be angry or mean to be effective.

Once his basic rules and respect are set: You must respect the teacher, your parents, listen, behave, etc. he will be MORE capable of good choices and critical thinking-not less. There is too much confusion out there these days leading parents to believe that knowing how to follow rules somehow inhibits kids intelligence. It's hogwash designed to encourage people not to discipline their kids.

A great book is Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. read it! It's awesome you don't want to be like your dad, and you sound like a really great, loving mom. So many people shy away form discipline when a parent has been too extreme. There is a balance. This book is a great balance.

Don't feel bad! I think you definitely did the right thing. Even if it made you just as late - you absolutely could not have turned around to get him a corn dog - that would have definitely taught him that throwing a fit gets him what he wants and send the wrong message about how the world works. I think it was fair to say that he already had lunch or whatever and it's now time for daycare (or feel no need to even justify why you said no) Just to not make a discussion or negotiation with him about it (so no "we'll get one later, okay?" or "how about a sucker instead?") It's best to say no one time and move on - ignoring all tantruming and whining. He will learn these things do not have an effect on you and especially not on him getting what he wants. :)

As far as the associated guilty feeling - just remember that teaching him these things is one of the main responsibilities as a parent. It is GOOD for him, it is what he needs to understand. Just make up for the guilt by giving lots of love, attention and understanding at other times. Just not when he is testing you :)

Good luck, Mama. You're doing fine!

You did right letting him know he needs to tell you before leaving the house what he wants for lunch. He is old enough to remember to do this, among other things as well.

I understand about being too nice and too firm. I'm too nice and hubby is too firm...in our opinions. We have recently found something that is working wonders with our 9yo. He is ADHD and we found a book about it at a Thrift Store. It said that some kids act out for attention. We do NOT need to give them a big lecture when they don't listen, the first time it happens, you put up one finger and say "Thats #1", second time, 2 fingers "Thats #2", third time "Thats #3 and you are in your room for a time out for 15 min". (You tell him this is what you are going to start doing. If he talks back, disobeys, doesn't do what he's told the first time, has a tantrum, etc) You tell him that he knows what he's doing is wrong, and he knows what is RIGHT and that you are just going to use your fingers and 1, 2 and 3 then timeout. You are not going to lecture him or give him any explanation. We do this and have seen a big turn around. He will push and test you. At first, our son would keep talking back so within a few seconds he was at 3 and in his room!!! He learned real quick we were not messing around any more. And its neither being too easy or too firm, its simply being consistant which is what works. Good luck!!!

I would have done the same thing. No way are we turning around because you decided you wanted something to eat let alone a corn dog for breakfast. You definately need to set your boundaries so that he knows and wont have the meltdowns because he already knows what to expect from you. With that being said my 5 yr old still has her meltdowns from time to time and I just dont give in to her demands. She has done this on the way to preschool to and was rude to the teachers and they and I explained that even when you are mad you cant be disrespectful and rude to adults. She now knows that if I hear that she was rude or disrespectful to them she will be grounded in her room for the rest of the day (she does 1/2 day preschool) with no toys. I will not tolerate it and I dont feel like a bad mom for it. I am helping her learn the correct behavior and how to deal with not always getting your way Because in life things will not always go your way.
YOu could always let your son now your expectations before you go somewhere and what the consequence will be if he acts up.

You're stuck in self condemnation for a situation that you handled just fine. Don't be so hard on yourself.

But...and there's always a but, now is the time for boundaries. The freedoms come later, as he earns them. No balancing act necesarry. You establish boundaries and he tests them. Such is life. Kids crave schedule, structure and dicipline. They respect you more when the rules and consequences are clearly laid out and consistant. It makes them feel safe and secure. You stood your ground today and suffered a meltdown. However, that will prevent many more meltdowns in the future. Good Job Mom

Hmmm similar stuff happens here daily. I deal with it the same way, BUT I leave the guilt at home :)