How to Manage a Very Adamant Two Year Old?

My mother-in-law used to put the child in a room and then record the screaming. When the child was done, she would make them listen to it. This stopped the tantrums after a couple of times.

Hi R., Your 2 year old needs to be taught that he is not in control, discipline is the only thing that works for behavior that is out of control or heading in that direction. Discipline is love regarless of what you hear or have heard. My kids are grown now so i have seen first hand that it works. Julia

Two ideas:

Look at the videos of Dr. Harvey Karp interacting with toddlers who "WANT!!!" and see how effectively he gets on their wavelength, which also gets them on his wavelength. From there, actual communication can happen. It's frustrating being a kid, and he knows how to acknowledge that. Here's one of the links to get you started: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g

Then reinforce those techniques by reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way. Much of the book presents situations with good and not-so-good ways of handling them in a clear and easy-to-read cartoon format. Try it; I think you'll like it.

My son is almost three and I've been going through a similar experience. I work with kids managing educational programs and I learned something at a recent seminar that really helped. It put an almost immediate stop to the whining. I know you're frustrated and sometimes my son makes me crazy. I try to remember that he doesn't have the communication skills yet to just say what he needs. But he is talking more and more so I am trying to use the technique that I learned to give him some necessary tools.

So first, I point out the undesired behavior by simply saying "Santo you're whining"
Then I tell him that behavior is not ok "whining is not ok".
Then I tell him what to do instead "tell me in your normal voice and mommy will listen"
Then I model it "say I need milk mommy".

We are at the point now where I don't have to go through all the steps. I can just say ok, tell me in your normal voice and he knows.

So the problem is when he is asking for something so nicely but that thing happens to be cookies for breakfast. I acknowledge him for asking nicely by saying "oh honey you're asking mommy so nicely but we still can't have cookies for breakfast" then I usually try to disrtact him by making a joke out of it and tickling him, calling him a silly boy for wanting cookies for breakfast. Then it usually turns into a game of tickling and playing and laughing about how silly it is to have cookies for breakfast.

He also had a problem hitting at daycare and at home. Part of it I think is just needing attention, testing boundaries to see what other kids will do, etc. And part of it is that he doesn't know what to do when he gets angry. I went through the same step with him telling him hitting is not ok and then told him if he gets angry to growl like a dog, squeeze his fists and say "I'm angry". This again usually turns into a funny exchange, especially if you practice when he's in a good mood. I had to remind him yesterday what to do because he was starting to have a meltdown and crying then he said tearfully "I'm angry!" I said "I know you're angry, come here and let mommy love you, it's good that you told me you're angry".

It definitely takes some practice and I have learned that you have to remember about teaching a skill for a desired behavior. I made the mistake of telling him to use gentle hands instead of hitting at first but I had neglected to give him something he could do when he was angry.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I have definitely seen a difference in my son's behavior and even though there are still struggles, the tantrums are much fewer and far between and when he does have them they are shorter.

Good luck and of course remember that you're not alone! It just feels that way when things like this happen in the middle of the grocery store!

When my kids start I put them on (or in their bed) and they can't get up until they are done throwing the fit. At first they spent alot of time in there but it is less and less now and the tantrums are further between.

Have you tried picking him up and putting in a different room and saying you be out here when he wants to talk? My son is 2 & 1/2 and I put him in another room and wait for him to calm down. He usually calms down within minutes and we get back to whatever task it was before his breakdown. By not having to hear the full on onslaught and him being away from his target, he realizes I will not acquiesce to his demands while he behaves like that. Once he calms down I have him explain to me what is he wanted/needed and then decide whether or not he gets it. I used get upset with these little tantrums but now they are fewer and far between. Good luck!!

2 is old enough for time outs. Also, make it a rule with everybody that "If you whine or cry, the answer is NO!" I stole that rule from my neighbor and it works great! I really hate screaming and whining - i get a head ache - so when my son was 2 I would cover my ears and turn my back on him (only if we were somewhere he couldn't run off) until he stopped. Now that he is older I ask him to use his big boy voice because I don't understand whining.
Tantrums are dealt with swiftly and I NEVER cave in to them and don';t allow anyone else to either ( gotta watch grandma on t his one).
At some point a tantrum got your little one the result he wanted so he is using it to communicate and manipulate now. Stick to your guns!

I recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. It will give you a whole bunch of ideas.

One tip about time outs -- whenever I put my daughter in a time-out she would scream "I have to go to the bathroom". I moved the time-outs to the the bathroom (being stuck in a bathroom for 2-4 mintues isn't so bad) and that problem went away.

Good luck

Try to redirect your child in this situation by suggesting he/she do something else. He may be frustrated that he can not fully express what he wants or needs, but in the end need you need to let him know that mom and dad are in charge and that this behavior is not acceptable and won't hlep him get what he wants. Start by telling him in a calm way you can't understand him when he whines or cries. Make a suggestion that he does something else like " I can see you are upset now about... but would you like to go play cars in your room. If he refuses when you are at home, you need to walk into another room and ignore the behavior as long as he is safe where he is. IF this happens at a store, immediately take him to the car and be ready to go home. Tell him in a calm, collected way when is is ready to stop crying and or whining then you will listen. It sounds like this is attention seeking behavior and he needs to know when he acts up you will not pay attention until he gains some self control.It make take 4-5 times of the walk away but it generally works.

It isn't easy to keep your 'cool' when dealing with this sort of behavior, but that is exactly what you need to do. Don't give in to his demands when he is acting this way. If what he wants is something that you'd reasonably give him if he asked in a proper way, point out to him what he needs to say and how he needs to act in order to get it. Do this calmly and when he continues to cry and act out, ignore him as much as possible. Perhaps have a designated place where you sit him down and tell him as long as he's acting that way, he needs to sit there, but that when he's ready to calm down he may get up. This is a self regulated time out. The only way in which you are setting the amount of time he sits is that he may not get up until he's ready to change his behavior. That may take less than a minute, or he may sit there for ten or more minutes if he's really persistent. Don't keep talking to him all the time he's sitting out, but keep a good eye on him ... trying not to let him know you're watching. If he seems to be calming down, ask if he's ready to get up yet. In my experience this often results in a "no!" and the crying and acting out resumes. But eventually the child tires of sitting and crying and will say they are ready to get up. Then quietly remind him that if he wants something there is a proper way that you want him to ask for it, and that having a tantrum about it is not the way to get it. Of course if what he wanted was not something he could have at all, you need to point that out to him, give a brief explanation of why and let it go at that. Doing this consistently eventually lessens the tantrums, but kids do tend to be persistent. It may seem like it's never going to work, but eventually your child will grow out of the tantrums.

Depending upon the reason for the tantrum, it would depend. My first suggestion is this - often times, 2 year olds have trouble with transitions (as in, they are playing with play-doh but now it's time for lunch). When you are approaching a transition time, say, "Bobby, in 5 minutes we will put away the play-doh and get ready for lunch." Three minutes later, "Bobby, in 2 minutes we will put away the play-doh and get ready for lunch." Two minutes later, "Okay, now it's time to put the play-doh away and get ready for lunch." I found with both of my girls that this helped them mentally make the transition from one activity to the next without throwing a fit.

My second bit of advice is this: often times, 2 year olds are not TRYING to be awful. They control very little in their lives, sometimes even including their own bodies. They try to do things that they see adults and big kids doing, but their little bodies just won't cooperate. They try to communicate, but they don't have the vocabulary and experience to be able to clearly let everyone know how they're feeling. So then some seemingly inconsequential thing happens (big brother uses the green play-doh) and the flood-gates open! A huge tantrum ensues that seems way out of proportion to what just happened. Try to remember that these tantrums are really about the straw that broke the camel's back - your son has just HAD IT and has no way to express himself, and is SO frustrated he could scream! (And so he does!)

That being said, the most effective way I have found to deal with these tantrums is to take the screaming child, calmly and quickly, to his room (or other safe place in your house where he can be alone). Tell him, "I can see you're upset about Josh playing with the green play-doh. You can sit here until you're feeling better." And then leave the room and let him sort through the tantrum on his own. With my girls, they might stay in there for 30 seconds, they might stay in there for 30 minutes (and end up playing with their toys, which was fine). The point was not to punish the child, it was to allow them a few minutes to cool down and get hold of themselves.

Ultimately, as a parent it's really all about teaching self-discipline, not just disciplining them. If you can teach them that there is a way that THEY can address their issue (i.e. I'm starting to get really frustrated, I'm going to go to my room and play by myself for a while), both you and your child will be better served in the long run.

As an aside, I have a lot of experience with this subject, as my youngest daughter was THE WORST terrible 2 EVER! She would throw, I am not making this up, 7-8 major knock-down, drag-out tantrums a day. Her grandparents wouldn't even babysit, she was so awful. So I spent a LOT of time calmly walking her to her room and letting her melt down in there. But take heart, they do grow out of it. My daughter just graduated from Kindergarten at the top of her class. She's still mighty "opinionated," but at least she doesn't throw tantrums anymore! LOL

My son pulled the same thing. I think my son was a little older than yours, but when he did the screaming thing with no tears, I told him he could scream as long as he wanted but had to be in his room with the door closed because I didn't want to hear it. When he was done, he was welcome to come out. Worked great. After a while when I'd say, "go to your room please," it usually just stopped. He does this for attention. If he gets no attention from you, he'll eventually stop.

Good luck

I highly recommend reading the book 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. There is another great book on sibling rivalry by the same authors. And their idea are based essentially on an excellent book 'Between parent and child' by Haim Ginot.

Two yr olds do not have the coping skills when they feel negative emotions or when they feel frustrated, bored, jealous, and angry. They do what they know best based on their capabilities - scream, or may even hit, bite, or throw things. All they know is their needs and want them met NOW. They don't do things to upset us or to whine as we label it, they just don't know any better. When we validate and acknowledge their feelings and quickly redirect them to another activity, they indirectly learn self discipline that they can do other things to calm themselves. A sense of humor and silly actions help a lot in redirection. Try screaming yourself with your child and see who can scream in different sounds - soft, low, high. It can become a game. ;)

Psychologists say that telling a child 'what to do' is more effective than telling 'what NOT to do'. We naturally lean towards the word NO when we observe an unacceptable behavior. NO has blame and accusation embedded in it. It confuses a child as that was not his intent to annoy you. He/she is just expressing him/herself. The child also thinks of disapproval of behavior as his/her disapproval or denial of your love. Try replacing your 'NO' with direction on desired actions. It is better to say, here take the paper to write (if child writing on furniture or walls) or play here, it is safe here, or simple acknowledgement you really want that, you really like it, I wish I could give it to you, It will make you happy, oh it makes you upset when I ask you to leave, etc.
Best,
-Rachna