Ex Husband - Whittier,CA

How long have you guys been hanging out again? If it hasn't been that long you need to be patient. You're probably just excited and have that feeling of "rightness" (if thats a word). In other words everything fits for you, and for him, even with similar feelings, it's probably really scary.
Basically he is dating you but without saying the words because he can pull away whenever he wants when he gets scared. Sounds pretty normal, he will take the leap when he feels he is ready.
The fact that he has let you back in his life, has loved you all this time, and has let you into his kid's life says a lot! I would just enjoy things the way they are right now, and be patient.

Just let things keep going the way they are, dont push, only time and you acting grown up will prove to him that you have grown up.

Whats the rush? Just keep doing what you are doing and let your relationship get stronger.... it obviously needs that time. Your ex is smart to go slow, you will both enjoy it so much more. Pretend like you are a virgin... that ought to be fun.... and if he does propose you can have sex on your new wedding night. I doubt it was that way the first time, but you can correct me if I'm wrong :)

It is hard to trust someone after they cheat, give him time, let him set the pace.

Remain doing what you are doing. Don't push him away or force yourself on him, but be there for him. Patience is a virtue. He wouldn't have come around had he not still had feelings for you, but he is still probably lacking in the trust department. Time will only tell.

I would back off. If you want to be part of his life even if it means that you two may never get serious, then you need to follow his cues or he will probably back off. If you are looking for more in a relationship in the near future, then he may not be the one. I don't know your age, but if you are looking to have kids of your own and your clock is ticking, this may not be the relationship for you. People change...he's not the same man you married before...he has kids now and those kids are his #1 priority. It sounds like he's careful. I respect him for that. I can't blame him for being cautious; he's been through two divorces and probably lost alot both emotionally and financially from them. Plus, now he has the children's emotional well being and stability to consider also. He's a package deal. Adding to that, honestly, if you cheated on him before, maybe he feels he can't trust you if he gets too serious? Please don't take this wrong as I'm not trying to be harsh, but here's what I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions: If you left him once, why would you want to go back to him if it didn't work before? Is it because you have not found any other suitable man out there? Are you feeling so guilty for how you treated him that you are trying to seek his forgiveness so that you can feel justified? Sorry, I'm one of those people who believes that an ex is an ex for a reason, just my opinion.

-M.

M.

Wow, what a love story! Thanks for your very interesting post. My heart aches for you and this man. Okay, it's been 21 years and he STILL won't let his guard down? He needs to!! Tell him that you are not young and dumb anymore, that you have grown up and know EXACTLY who you want(obviously him) and what you want out of life, and that you don't want to waste anymore years of your life that you already have. Promise/vow to him with all of your heart that you would NEVER EVER cheat on him ever again, and that you will be faithful to him until the day you die, and that you are so in love with him, never stopped loving him, and want a life with him as his girlfriend/wife. Have him over for a very special dinner (dimmed lights, candles, his favorite meal, wine (or whatever he likes to drink), and tell him everything I just wrote. Maybe this is all he will need to hear and he will jump into your arms right then and there! He really needs to stop thinking about how you cheated him in your 20's (I assume you were in your 20's) - he needs to let it go and trust you again 21 years later!

So, can I assume you never remarried? What an incredible story. I really hope things turn out your way! You deserve it! All the best!

k.

he is still hurt by what you did. he needs to get over that before he can become serious with you. through counseling or something.

It sounds like the one thing missing from your relationship might be handing things over to God and seeking to put God first in your relationship. I don't mean to sound like some holy roller sitting up on some pedestal. I really mean that if you put God first, the rest will follow, because this has been something God has shown me in my life. I have not been through what you have been through in my own marriage, but we have been through some horrendous trials with health and finances, and I have to say our marriage wasn't always rosy at times. But we have trusted God and leaned on Him, as well as sought pastoral counseling through trials which has really helped.
My husband put up a bit of an emotional wall between us after I got really sick and almost died. Not because he was mad, or wanted to hurt me, but he was really afraid of losing me and completely traumatized and didn't know what to do. (Men always want to fix things, and when they can't fix it, they have a really hard time!) Counseling has helped a ton for both of us.
I am going to personally email you the name of one of our pastors at our church who oversees pastoral counseling and family and marriage life. He's super nice and loving and genuine, knows we are all imperfect and just wants to be there to help people grow in their faith and relationships. You live close enough that it would be worth the drive :)

Perhaps some pre-relationship counseling is in order. You are in such a great position being friends and having pretty much the worst thing that could happen already over with. See what he thinks about it. It's such a waist to be right in front of each other and not enjoying each other to the fullest. You are in my prayers.

Best wishes!
Pam A.

All's I can say is I agree with Grandma T. J.

What a story! I'm rooting for you guys, for sure. I agree with all the other moms: keep doing what you're doing, take your time, and don't push it or you may just push it away. My guess is that you ruined this man's trust 21 years ago and that's probably why he never married the mother of his children, too. You're in a good place right now, but you want the whole enchilada, I understand. But he needs to set the pace right now. Have you two really had a heart-to-heart and have you gotten down on your knees and begged forgiveness and told him what an immature fool you were two decades ago? I'm only half-kidding here :) I wish you both the very, very best and hopefully this new year will bring your love back into your life. Happy Holidays!!

Continue as friends. Exercise patience while you wait for him to feel secure enough to go the next step.

Stick with it and give him time. Trust is a hard thing to earn back, but just keep proving to him that he can trust you and he will come around! Good Luck and really, you DO have him back if you really think about it, doesn't sound like he is going anywhere!! Just take your time and build that trust back.

Why not enjoy it for what it IS right now. You wouldn't want to rush him or push him would you? Don't try to make him fit into what you feel a "real family" should be. There's been a lot of water under the bridge and it's now going to be something completely different.

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