Cheater Boy Friend

God may want you to forgive this guy but he may not want you to get back together with him. I know how hard to break up with someone and how much it really hurts. One thing I have learned that each day that you stay away from someone who does not know how to treat you well, is each day that your heart has more of a chance to heal. To stay in a relationship just because he nice to your sons is not a good enough reason to stay with a cheater. There are other guys out there who can treat your sons well and treat you well also. Give yourself sometime to heal and keep your distance from this guy if at all possible. Let's find someone a little bit better for you next time, possibly someone that you can have a full-fledged relationship with.

Feel better soon.

Once a cheater, always a cheater!

And please don't let your kids pick your man. As a matter of fact, don't even introduce them to the next O. until you're VERY serious. They don't need men coming and going from their lives.

Good luck and God Bless.

I am not a bible expert. I am interested in hearing where in the bible God directly speaks to humanity and says, "Thou must take back cheaters." However, what I do recall is some conversation God had with Moses. Part of it went something like "Thou shall not commit adultery." And for the record, adultery can be committed outside of marriage and it is not just physical adultery God and Moses were talking about.

You and your children are better off without this man who seems to come and go from your life when he feels like it is convenient.

I don't mean to sound harsh but for two years, you let your father be more important than the man you loved. You didn't want to disappoint your dad, so you treated your relationship as something to downplay and hide-?! When people cheat, it's because they feel unfulfilled, there's a void that is trying to be filled. Did he cheat because he was looking for total acceptance? Was he craving someone to be excited and proud to be around him?

I wasn't sure after reading your post whether he wants to come back? If he does, then I think you need to decide what kind of relationship you will have with him. Who is going to be the man in your life that you strive to impress--him or your dad? Usually, I think 'once a cheater, always a cheater' but I'm not sure that applies to this situation because your never really treated it like the priority relationship in your life. Depending on whether you can offer him a real relationship (where you introduce him fully to your relatives and walk away from anyone who won't accept him), I think you should be able to offer him a fresh start. You give him a 2nd chance, he gives you a 2nd chance... See where it takes you. If you can't step out of the shaddows with him, because you fear your family's reaction, then you really can't offer him a relationship with any future... And let him go. Your child will get over it.

Good luck.

If he cheated on you once for a bogus reason, he'll do it again. I'm not sure how he defines a "full relationship", but it sounds to me like he made a choice and got caught in a situation.

Forgiving him is not the same as being able to trust him again. Just my opinion here, but cheating is a deal-breaker. You're not married to him and he's not the father of your children...he's not a "part" of your family so in time your connection to him will fade and you'll move on.

Think of your own self-respect here as well as the possibility of STD's being introduced into your relationship. Think about whether or not this is the type of person you want around your children.

Look...if this guy loved and respected you AND your children he wouldn't have cheated. Period. If he cared about their lives, feelings, protection, he would have gone off and slept with someone else. He wouldn't have exposed their mother to STDs, emotional pain, and total dis-trust. He wouldn't have turned HIS wrong-doing, into something caused by YOU. (classic cheater behavior, by the way.) He is finding ways to justify his wrong choices. He is showing no remorse. He will most likely do it again.

Forgiveness, does not mean you need to invite him back into your life. It does not mean he is worthy of you and you children. It does not mean, you should expose you children to more hurt. (which will probably happen, if you take him back. It will be worse the second time around.) Loving someone, does not mean they are right for you. Just because you love him, doesn't mean you should be with him. Yes, it hurts. BUT, It does not mean you should open yourself to being cheated on...again. Or, inviting more hurt, into you children's lives.

Move on. You and your children will be better off.

He's a cheater -move on! All you will do by getting back together with him (if that's an option) is show your children that it's okay for someone to cheat on you. At ages 4 and 8 they are absorbing EVERYTHING and watching everything you do. You've been in relationships before and even though you may still love him now -it will go away! Concentrate on the fact that he cheated on you and betrayed your trust. The other concern you should have about that is what have you told them regarding your (ex) boyfriend and their grandfather? They obviously know you've been lying for 2 years. Have you also asked them to lie to their grandfather -or at least say nothing? If you have a 4 and an 8 year old, then you should be a grown up. Being a grown up means that while we probably still want our parents to be happy for us -we aren't living our lives to please them. If you're going to date someone Daddy won't approve of, then you need to be upfront and clear with Daddy. If you can't bring yourself to do this, then don't date black guys or anyone else he wouldn't like. What would you have done if you had gotten pregnant with the boyfriend? It would have been pretty obvious to Daddy that the father of his newest grandchild was black. Where did you see the relationship going? Either it was bound to end or you were going to have to come clean with Daddy sooner or later.

Don't try to get back together with this guy. Like I said -he cheated on you. He should have told you he was no longer willing to be in a relationship where he had to be a secret -and then gone on to do whatever he wanted, but he tried to have his cake and eat it too.

Also, please think long and hard about dating and who you introduce your children to. Not only can boyfriends present a danger in your childrens lives, but you see how the 4 year old is acting -it's very upsetting for children to lose someone close to them. You may want to keep things in the future very casual and not have your kids meet who you're dating until your kids are a lot older.

Your children will get over it. You didnt love him enough to share him with your family and he could see that. I mean, you love your dad, and dont want to disappoint him, but if this was a good man who just happened to be black, he would have gotten over it or you would have been better off.

You may love him but he sure doesn't love or respect you to do what he did and will continue to do. I know your kids may be attached but for their sake and yours move on. You deserve better than what you got regardless of ethnic backgrounds...Doesn't matter. If your kids continue to be bothered and upset about the loss of this man in their lives, get them some counseling to address the loss. In the future when you begin dating and developing a new relationship try to avoid tons of interaction with the kids to protect them emmotionally. There will be nothing wrong with saying that you new beau is a really good friend of yours until at such time he is a permanent part of your life. Your boys are very impressionable at their ages still. Put them first. Blessings.

he's a BF, maybe you just need to help your kids get past this, and be more careful how quickly you introduce your bf's to kids...how old is your child?

you can forgive him but still say "we're done" and have nothing to do with him...if you go back, your setting yourself up for more disappointment

If you loved him that much, you would have told your father...no matter his reaction. Parents want there kids to be happy and he would have been able to see that. The fact that you hid this boyfriend shows that you really weren't committed to the relationship. You "wanted" to be...but deep down you knew it wasn't right for whatever reason. Your kids are sad of course, but they will be fine. Look for someone who you are proud to be by your side and the relationship will be stronger for it.

You'll get past it. Never get involved with a man who you can't be honest with your family about. I am not condoning your ex, but I'd be pissed as hell if someone kept me "hidden" yet wanted to be in a full and committed relationship with me. As a matter of fact I was your ex BF, My ex was like that. I never met his friends, nobody. He even had a seperate phone line. One day I picked up his phone when it rang and his friend asked if I was the roomate. I was with my BF for 5 yrs at that point. Shame on me!!! Don't even look back and don't bring a man around your kids until you are in an open and loving relationship. Let him go.

God may want you to forgive this guy but he would not want you to be mistreated with unfaithfulness. Re-read Laurie D.s response over and over. There are a lot of great, caring and faithful guys out there.

I don't understand how it can be defined as cheating when you had broken up with him?

While he may be good to your kids, he is defnintely not good to you, and that will be worse for them in the future. Cut your losses, even though it hurts like crazy. Things will get better, and there is a man out there who will treat you like a queen.

My husband cheated on me before we were married, but we worked through it with a LOT of counseling. It has taken a LONG time, and even though his love for softball gets in the way of our happiness sometimes, he treats me like a queen. I'm only saying this because people can change, but they have to want it. I mean it really took about 5 years for my husband and I to work through it completely. And I still watch more carefully for things because I can't help it. But he has not done anything since that event 7 years ago.

And as far as your father, he sounds ignorant. If he is so stuck in time that he can't see people for who they are, I'd cut my losses there also.

The fact that you had to hide the relationship says a lot. What about holidays, family gatherings...all of that when you would like to take your boyfriend but cannot. How does that make you feel? In a relationship like that you spend so much time not involved with each other that it kind of takes away from the "relationship". Anytime you have to hide something then is it right, is it worth it? Those are things you must weigh. To say that so many cultural differences also come with this relationship must be weighed. On the flip side what if you were dating a married man, the relationship was great (to you) but you had to hide everything that the two of you did? Same thing. If you have to hide it then it probably is not "yours" to begin with. Just a comparison though.
Your kids will get over not seeing him. Make smart decisions about those you date and those that you bring to your house that the kids might meet. They know no better. They love unconditionally so it is up to you to decide what type of man is right or wrong. Missing a man is one thing. The reasons why are another. I say you will look back months from now and find yourself in a much better place. Get involved in something else - much more positive for the good of all of you. He will indeed cheat again, btw.

First, you need to find out if he loves you. If he does loves you and you can take a stand and tell the whole world you love him (including your father) then maybe you two can have a fresh start. If not, if he doesn't love you or you can't face your father, then maybe it's time you start a new life without him. Teach your child that in life we loose some friends and we gain some others. That this is just part of growing up. But please don't rush yourself into another and new relationship. Give yourself time to heal.
Blessings

Run as fast as you can. This man CHEATED on you and he is blaming you. That is not love. You can and should forgive him in time but without getting back with him. That is what God would want because you were not married there was not a commitment there. Just pray and in God's timing he will send you a good man and never let a man meet your kids until you are serious enough to make the commitment of marriage. That way you spare the pain on the kids.

His cheating is NOT because you weren't in a full relationship with him. That is an excuse. Now if he is truly and fully repentant and you are willing to take on the risk that he's just saying it to make you happy and you are willing to commit to forever with this guy, then try to work things out with a full and open commitment. But if you or he are not ready or willing to do any part of that, then you need to move on. Your children need the security and comfort of a solid commitment.

I TOTALLY agree with Denise P!!!

RUN!!!!! AND DON'T LOOK BACK! You sound like a person with a good heart, and you deserve a man who will have the good sense to cherish you. Take care of your yourself - guard your heart like a bear! If you don't, every one who can will walk on you, and a good man will think you have no boundaries. I know you're sad right now, but "fly little bird, FLY"! It will get better.

I notice some of the answers are about who is the priority, him or your dad.

First, God is the only one you should please. Live life as He has set out for you, as would please His eyes, and you will find happiness.

Second, your kids should always be considered when going into or being in a relationship. Their demeanor in the future in their own relationships will surely mirror yours. Prove yourself as the greatest role model for strength and love and compassion (to your kids) and that should be your only focus.

Good luck.