Dont Know Where to Start a Few of Theafter Some Real Advice Re Resenting Husband

and what if he assents, reluctantly, and agrees to another child that he doesn't really want. and then you want another one. and another one.
if you're not already happy with 5 great kids and a nice husband, why will one more child get you there?
i've got friend who has 11 and is working on 12. when her uterus wore out after 9 she started adopting. she just can't past the 'i want another baby' phase.
at some point you need to accept that life has cycles, and as awesome as new babies are, they're not an ongoing cycle.
khairete
S.

I want another child as well, but for heaven's sake, I enjoy sex for sex and not just for procreation. Perhaps you need to relax and start enjoying sex.

I don't understand.
The only reason you have been having sex with your husband is because you want to get pregnant? You don't do it because you love him? Or because it feels GREAT? Or to show affection?
Your husband is 53. He is going to be 73 (!!) by the time your kid is out of the house. My grandparents died in their 60's. Your husband would probably like to stop having kids for a variety of reasons, one of them being his age.
You didn't marry your husband ONLY to have a whole bunch of kids, I assume. You married him because you love him, you wanted to create a life with him, you wanted a family.
You have all of those things, and more. You HAVE to let go of the idea of a 6th. Your husband has made it clear that he doesn't want more and if you were to have more than you are happy and he is resentful. Your baby is only 2. She/he is still a baby. (I know because I have a 23 month old and she needs me a LOT)
I don't know how you let go of the "resentment" other than you start looking at your blessings.
You are blessed to have 5 kids (a LOT of women can't even have ONE!)
You are blessed to be able to stay home
You are blessed to be financially stable
You are blessed to have a husband who loves you
You are blessed to have a husband who is communicating with you.
You are BLESSED.
L.

Sorry, but I take issue with your comment that you find it extremely difficult to accept that your family is complete on "somebody else's say so." Your husband is just as much a part of parenting as you are. He has just as much right to have "say so". And he is 53 years old and looking at being in his 70's already when his son graduates from high school. There is NO elephant in the room. There is just you trying to browbeat him into having another child, especially with really not wanting to have sex except to get your way.

You need to take the word "I" out of your vocabulary right now and substitute the word "we". He doesn't want another child. He's already got 5 of them. You need to allow him to move on to the next phase of his life, which doesn't include more infants.

Stop resenting him by showing appreciation for the 5 he has already agreed to and show him respect by understanding that at 53, he is DONE. That's how you can get past this and start having sex again for reasons other than procreation.

Dawn

First of all, did you not already ask this question? If it wasn't you, there was another person with five children feeling resentful that her husband wouldn't give her a sixth.

Second, what if it were a husband demanding that his wife have more children than she wishes? I know you're doing the heavy lifting on this, but that husband would never find support here.

Third, you need to be grateful for what you have. If you want to work with even more children, look into running a day care for a few hours a day. But if you can't get over not having more, seek counseling. But in my mind, I would think your husband would be much more resentful that you're pressuring him -- as it is, he will be in his 70s by the time they're all out of the house. It's another mouth to feed that he has to provide for on his single income salary. I totally see his side of this.

I don't know if this will be of any help to you - honestly - I don't know you. My question is - have you ever thought about why you are craving another baby? Is it possible that your now 2 year old is becoming more independent and you have a need to have someone completely helpless depend upon you 100% all of the time. Do you have some reason you can think of as to why you need to be needed? I'm wondering if your husband might crave a little more of your attention. With 5 children who are all pretty young, I'd imagine he might want some attention of his own. Children require a lot of our time/effort/attention and rightly so, but so do our husbands. There are some women who make their lives all about their children and forget that they were married first and they have a husband who needs and wants them too. It's a tough balance - especially with 5 children already. What if HE resents YOU for neglecting him (I'm only speculating of course) and possibly treating him like a means to having children? I'd do some soul searching and try to find out WHY your maternal drive is so strong and then maybe you'll understand your situation a little better. Best of luck to you.

I have 8. The oldest is 21 and the youngest is 3. I am 40 and the husband is 41. He wants at least one more...............hell no. I want to be able to enjoy our future grandchildren, I want to be in reasonable health when the youngest flies the coup. While I respect my husband wants another, it would be very selfish of him to force the issue. Marriage is a give and take, he gave you five, now it's your turn to accept that he is done.

ETA>>....................................

Maybe this will help some. My husband was done at #4, I wasn't. I wanted at least one more. Reality is, of our 4 I only birthed 2 of them. I wanted to have just one more, to be pregnant one more time. I was hurt, but I could respect that 4 was his limit. Then one day he looked at me and said "Let's have one more." I thought I was hearing things, there is 8 years between the older kids and the younger kids. Not only did he want one more we had 3 more after that.

Now he wants another and I don't. This is very common in relationships. You will get through it.

In this case I agree with your hubby. He will be 71 and you will be 61 when your youngest graduates high school. Your youngest will be in about 2nd grade when your husband is eligible for social security and 5th grade when he quailfies for Medicare. The age you are at now you should be welcoming grandchildren, not new babies of your own.

I'm not trying to be mean but I think you should be thankful for the family you have and start to look forward to grandbabies.

re-read your post. not one word of appreciation for your current children. not one positive comment about your husband.

i suggest therapy. not trying to be mean, i promise. seriously i think your children and husband (not to mention YOU- but imo your focus should be on them, not yourself) would be so much happier. word it to your husband (if you think he will argue) that if you're done having kids you need to talk to someone. whether paying for counseling, OR maybe speaking to your pastor or someone. because from what you've said you'll never be happy with what you have until you get some help. you really seem to have a very selfish outlook (i don't know you, this is simply by what you have written), you don't seem to appreciate your amazing life as it is now, and you have convinced yourself hubby is the enemy. maybe some couples therapy, quite honestly. you two are a team and he's the only partner you've got in this world.

we choose our attitudes. i feel bad for your family. but you can get help. if you choose to. the greatest gift you can give your kids and your husband is to BE HAPPY. how hurtful for them that you are placing such significance on a child that doesn't exist...when they are right there.

again, not trying to be harsh. just as i see it. sorry.

******

ETA: T., 22 people on here are telling you the same thing. ONE said that we were all mean to you - but she said the same thing too. that should tell you something. seriously. you're not right on this. sorry it's not what you wanted to hear. and i totally disagree that anyone was mean to you. the level of criticism was justly proportionate to your attitude in your post. take it or leave it. these responses are the reality. getting offended and hurt over their honesty is not going to change the facts. hang in there. i do hope you can come out of this feeling more grateful and blessed because you sure ARE blessed. if you realized that, you would not be on here writing this post, with this tone. good luck.

You want a baby, not a child. You want to feel needed, your focus is not on what you can give, but what you get from the experience. You need to start appreciating what you have, just because you want something doesn't mean you should have it, being a grown up means accepting that.
You can just say ok and get on with life, but you are choosing not to. If you are grieving so much for a child you don't even have, how well are you able to take care of the ones you have already?

You never should have been having sex just for procreating in the first place, that's just weird.

Part of being a grown up is accepting the fact that we don't get everything we want, whenever we want it.
And if you only have sex to procreate then I feel really, really sorry for both you, and your husband :-(

T., I am concerned about you. Please see a therapist ASAP.

There is no reason for you to be in this much pain. Your husband is telling you, your family is large enough. You are so resentful, you are forgetting, that you have a beautiful family and being able to now really enjoy them as they achieve their goals is a wonderful thing..once they are gone, the next chapter of fun begins! Getting to be newlywed a all over again. Hopefully your husband will retire and then you all continue to enjoy the freedoms of travel, grandchildren....it just gets better and better.

You are reminding me of my neighbor that had 4 children..she loved her children so much, but once they were preteens and teens , she craved a baby.. She was a great mom, but she had issues about not being able to accept, that if she could not have a baby in the house, she could not be happy. She became more and more angry, resentful and depressed...

She ended up with a lot of turmoil in their home... It did not end well, after 2 attempts, she committed suicide. , 2 years later their eldest son also committed suicide. She had really loved him as an infant and toddler, but once he started school, they started having issues .. She did not like that they did not need her for every little thing. This happened with each child as they approached kindergarten.

This not a healthy home life for the children you already have. They need to know, they are enough to fill your heart.

You feel strongly that you want another child. You're husband feels strongly that he cant deal with another. You both need to try to see each other's perspectives. That's marriage. I assume he supports the family. I assume he spends time with his family and tries to be a good father to each one. So no, you're not doing all the parenting. You are not a single mom. Go to marriage counselor where a skilled unbiased professional will help you see each other's sides.

I think all of these comments have been very judgmental and for that I'm sorry. There are two reasons to have sex. One is to connect with each other emotionally and the other is to procreate. Unfortunately many on here don't seem to understand that when someone you love has hurt you, it is difficult to connect with them with emotional type sex. Of course you do not have sex ONLY to procreate. (I really can't AT ALL understand the logic behind the comments that are making those assumptions. But you are feeling hurt right now. Unfortunately we live in a selfish world where children are limited, killed, and often considered a burden to have more than a couple. But there are those who believe, as you seem to, that children are a blessing that lasts for eternity. If you believe in heaven and that families can be together forever, then imagine limiting your family for selfish reasons that only exist in this blink of an eye time we spend on earth. That being said, your marriage is definitely first priority. I would explain to your husband how you are feeling. Explain that you are feeling resentful, hurt, and are grieving right now. But tell him you are praying about it and trying to get past these feelings. Ask him if he would be willing to revisit the subject in 6 months to a year and that you will completely drop it for now. In the meantime try to reconnect with each other. Go on some dates together and have long talks. Hold his hand while you're watching TV. Plan LOTS of fun family activities to enjoy the children you do have. Then in 6 months to a year ask him if he would be willing to pray about with you. But no matter what happens, it needs to be a three way decision. You, your husband, and God.

I think you are looking at this in a a very strange way. He isn't making his choice yours. You are married. You make choices together.

Please think about what you do have rather than what you think you don't have.

Look at what you have to look forward to rather than what you think is missing.

Consider the fact that your wants will actually harm your family at this point because your family's needs don't match up at all with them.

I thought I'd seen this question before, too.

I can appreciate what you're saying . . . have been there (though I have two children).

What helped me was to accept my role in the situation. Somehow I managed to pick not one, but TWO, men who for whatever reason (and perhaps they're valid reasons!) did not want lots and lots of children (I'm re-married).

In other words YOU PICKED HIM. Accept him and love him for who he is, and all he has done for you and your children. My goodness you sound like a millionaire mad because she's not a billionaire! Honestly I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I'm sincerely jealous! I would love to have 5 children.

Hope this doesn't come across harshly - hang in there and perhaps seek some counseling if you can't move past it.

All I can say is that I know so many couples whose sex lives ramped up into high gear when they no longer had the worry of another pregancy.
The wife had a hysterectomy or the husband had a vascectomy....
Their love lives got hotter than ever.

Your husband is 53. Think of him being 64 when your child is 10. 74 when your child is 20. Your new child will likely lose their father at a fairly early age. Maybe your husband is thinking of these practical things.

I'm one of those women who would have had a bunch of kids, but my body failed me. It just wasn't possible. The two children I have are the joys of my life. I'm a grandmother now and I still get those "pangs" of wanting another child. I'll let my kids bring the babies into my life.

I'm sorry....I'm a woman, but I feel that if one partner doesn't want another child, you have to defer to that person. What if pregnancies were terribly hard on you and you couldn't bear the thought of going through it again but your husband pressured you? You should have the right to say no to putting your body through that again.

Let the kids you have fulfill your days with joys and blessings. Let the husband you had those children with be the one you turn to for intimacy and physical affection. Human beings get to experience the joy of making love well into old age knowing fully well it's not about procreation. Allow yourself the intimacy with your husband. Heck, you've got 5 kids....you need to be strong and in love with each other. Every sex act shouldn't have to result in a child.

You might find a whole new world with your husband if you change your thinking. How bad could that be?

Just my opinion.

I totally understand the grieving. It's just like any other part of aging. I mean, I grieved when I saw that my neck was starting to wrinkle. I agree with putting the topic aside for 6 months. Some of our desire for more children is hormonal. I desperately wanted another baby when my husband and I were separated. Logically, it was crazy. But the desire was super strong. So I knew it was a combination of hormones and not wanting to let go of my dream. I suggest you write down all the things you want, including the baby, and put the list away to be reviewed 6-12 months from now. Then do a blessing count and focus a little more on building the relationships you currently have. In 6 months, pull out your list and see how you feel about each item at that point, see how you have grown, and have a new talk with your husband if necessary. Good luck and God bless!

It is clear how hard this situation is for you. I can relate because my hubby was done at two. I always wanted a huge family. I used to tell people that I will have at least enough for a starting line up for a basketball team. Well, it never happened. Not even close. Somehow I moved past the pain and disappointment. I think what helped is that I realized that my resentment was really hurting mostly me and my two children. The thought of that was too hard to take so I prayed my way past the sense of loss and focused on the blessings. I know it sounds trite but it worked. Also, my
best friend recently suffered two miscarriages and never carried a baby full
term. Watching her struggle brought me so much perspective. I wish you
the best! Blessings Mama!