I Want to Have Another Baby but DH Doesn’t

That is how I felt after my two boys and it had nothing to do with wanting a girl, I just felt I wasn't "done" having babies! I was 33 and my husband was 41. My two previous births were "planned". Well, my third pregnancy was my only unplanned one (no, I didn't trick him). My husband had all the same fears and reasons for not wanting another child. I told him that he would be too young to retire in 18 years anyways so we may as well have something to keep us busy until then! Let me tell you, he was a much better father to the last one then he was to the first two. My husband died unexpectedly when my youngest was 13 and I can honestly say that she spent more time with her father in 13 years than most girls do in a life time. He let her do everything with him, right down to teaching her how to re-pipe the bathrooms! Good luck on this.

I agree with the DH. The planet is overpopulated enough. It's just not environmentally responsible.

Hi M.,

I was in your husband's shoes, so I wanted to share my perspective.

I am a full-time working mother who is the primary breadwinner. I have 2 wonderful children (5 and 2yrs old); however, I do not want any more. There are a few considerations: cost to properly raise a child, quality time with the kids, quality time with your spouse, quality time for yourself, time to maintain/build your career, and time to manage their schedule in addition to yours.

I am very aware of the cost to raise a child -- and it's quite a bit when you're in a higher tax bracket and don't get any financial breaks. In addition to the obvious costs of food, housing, diapers, clothes, childcare, etc... there are "hidden" costs like additional health care expenses,cost for life insurance, etc. My DH is almost 41, I turn 40 this year. I wanted to retire yesterday; he would be happy to work until the day he dies. At this point, I need to work for AT LEAST another 25-35 years to support/help support them through their college education and fund my retirement. I'm tired already! ;-)

It's also very challenging to spend enough quality time with each child, devote enough time to grow at work, manage household and family obligations, take care of yourself, and care for your relationship with your spouse. The kids need your absolute attention as much as possible -- and there are only so many hours in the day.

Re: work, I find that I work off and on 24-hours/day, 7-days/week. It is very difficult to stay current with business requirements/trends/etc... and it makes it challenging to squeeze this into our daily lives. It's also very challenging to function on a couple of hours of interrupted sleep. even if I didn't have to get up each and every time, I would still be awake for part of the time each child wakes up. the ad-hoc sick days don't help here either. AND in today's competitve work environment, you're competing with everyone for a small bucket of money for raises/bonuses/etc. Not fun!

Time with my spouse is almost nonexistent. most conversations revolve around sports activies, birthday parties and play dates, family obligations, doctor appointments, health, etc.

Me time -- doesn't exist!

When my husband pressured me about it, I explained my concerns. I would be happy to have a 3rd child if I could spend more quality time with my children. This means that he would need to become the primary breadwinner so I could work part-time. In addition, he would need to figure out how to manage investments so that I could retire at a "decent" age and we could pay for or help the kids go to a good college in addition to whatever funds are needed to ensure they have a well-rounded life in general. AND he would need to become more active in managing and being responsible for the kids well being and activities (e.g, doctor appointment, school registrations, party invitations, purchasing of clothes, food preparation, laundry, homework, baby proofing, etc.). That was the end of that discussion.

hope this helps give you additional perspective on how your husband may be feeling... you may want to identify each of his concerns and propose ways to address them.

good luck!
--h

M. - This is one of the most difficult things to deal with, as I've been through this same journey. Having another child doesn't mean that one person compromises on an issue. It's a huge life-altering addition to the family, and it seems as if one person 'wins' and one person 'loses' with regards to having another child. It's not a part-time change to your family. I know you said you'd resent him if he doesn't let you have another child, but he might also resent you if you force him to have another when he's already said he's happy with the two you have.

My situation is/was a bit more complicated, since we had to do IVF for our children. Our 4yo daughter was from cycle #7. We did a cycle after that (husband wasn't too keen on the idea, but did it anyway) with the frozen embryos and I got pg, but miscarried. I'd thought that if the cycle didn't work, that would be it for us. But getting pg and then losing it was more than I could bear. I honestly don't know how I convinced my husband - other than I believe he did not want to be married to the angriest woman on earth for the rest of his life - LOL! - but we did another cycle, to the tune of nearly $40,000. Not something to be done on a whim, that's for sure. Anyway, cycle #9 worked and I gave birth to boy/girl twins a month ago. It's a ton of work because my husband has some major health issues, but I knew what I was getting in to.

As for the age factor, I turned 51 just 5 days before I gave birth to the twins, who were 5 weeks early. Hubby turned 62 last November...so I never buy the age factor as part of the argument. If I did, I wouldn't have had any kids. In my case I think it's a plus. I work for the government and will retire in less than 4 years with a good pension and full medical coverage for life...and the twins will only be 4 years old!

Again, having a child - whether it's your first or 10th - is not something that only one of you can decide. It has to be something you both agree upon. Maybe once your youngest is through the sleep depriving stage your husband will feel differently. However, I get what he's saying about travel. The past couple of years have been very easy to travel with my daughter. Now we're back with infants again, and all that goes along with traveling with babies.

Good luck, and I hope that things turn out in such a way that is best for your family.

I just read your response... and its great your Hubby opened up to you.

Ya know, the way he feels is not only him. LOTS of men/dads feels that way. I see it in my own husband and my friends' husbands too.

My Husband tells me the same thing, yours told you. They miss their wives. They love their kids too. But it's hard... a woman is SO busy once she has kids and all her time is devoted to them. The man, is often "lonely" even though you are all in it together. Since my Husband also is open with me... I have to make a conscious effort (even though I am SO busy and tired), to spend time with him, and for intimacy, and just talking story and "connecting" again. Men NEED this. It is a valid feeling... and it is natural. Otherwise, yes, a man gets frustrated. They have "needs" too. It's valid. We, as the "wife" have to realize this, and even though we are multi-tasking CONSTANTLY... we have to manage our men too... and want them to be happy. It's like the Husband/marriage is another "child." It requires daily taking care of.

As a couple, I'm sure your Husband would REALLY appreciate, if at least once a month, you BOTH go out for "dates" just by yourselves. A couple needs this. Get a baby-sitter or have Grandma babysit... and you two go out. A marriage needs this, and spouses need this too. Or, once the kids are in bed... then you two spend quality time together... watching a movie, talking, re-connecting, having intimate time together. (we co-sleep too, but me/hubby go to another room in the house and just do our thing). So, there are ways around the marital bed and having fun elsewhere).

The thing is, you have 2 children already! How fantastic! I have 2 kids too, and this is a full life already.

Some women just 'miss' being pregnant and having a baby as their children grows up... but the "solution" is NOT always to just have another baby & get pregnant again. Just manage and understand your feelings. It's only natural that we 'miss' the baby-hood of our children. But its a rite-of-passage for us, the Mommy, to grow up with it too and grow through it...differentiate between this NORMAL emotional maturity, and your just wanting to get pregnant.

Your Husband sounds like a great rational thoughtful man. You are lucky! Don't pressure for another baby. Consider all aspects in a level headed way. Manage your "couple-hood" and respect his feelings.

All the best, just some thoughts,
Susan

Hi M., I just wanted to share with you my similar situation. I talked my husband into trying for a girl after our first two boys. Well, we ended up with another boy, and while he is the sweetest of the three, and my older ones adore him, life is SO MUCH HARDER!!! The work doubled when we added number two, but that work doubled again when we added number three. I am a SAHM and let me tell you, there are not enough hours in the day for me to spend quality time with each one of them! My sixth-grader needs help with math (which I barely get!), my fourth grader needs a ride to guitar lessons, and my five-year-old can't play outside by himself and I need to make dinner! Life with two was SO organized and much more peaceful. I know you miss the babies, but you will not miss the work. Two is perfect. Each one can be with a parent and get his/her full attention. I have to take one out alone to do that. I can't leave the two older ones home together or disater will strike, and 11 is not old enough to babysit the youngest one (unless he is napping). It is really very hard in our times when every event is planned and must be supervised by an adult. I barely have any free-time for myself and my husband tells me all the time how much he misses me. Unfortunately I am really too tired to say that I miss him too. I LOVE my baby who is five today, but I really miss how the four of us used to do so many things together and how each child had one parents hand to hold. Thank God for what you have and really think about whether or not you and your hubby have the mind-set to add a third child into the mix. Good luck!

I am not readin g anyone else's comments before I post...forgive me if it's already been said.

I have 3 kids-#3 was a huge oops. I love all my kids, of course. But, 3 is exponentially harder than 2. It is more expensive, vacations are harder, you need to get a new car. Plus, one on one time is near impossible. You may resent him, but, he will also resent you. What do you want more, another kid, or your husband? only you know that answer.

Hi M.,

I would recommend counseling for the two of you since you both feel so strongly about the number of children you want to have. Either you will resent him or he will resent you--so I think an objective professional is a good idea to help you sort this out.

I don't think it's selfish to want more--but I also don't think your husband is selfish to not want any more, either. He has good reasons for not wanting more kids--they're not excuses--they are reasons. His reasons are no less important than your reasons for wanting more.

Good luck to you,
D.

You're in this together. I understand you want to have another child but you need to listen and be respectful of your husband's wishes as well....unless you're prepared to confront the possibility of raising 3 on your own. You speak of resenting your husband if he doesn't give you what you want, but what about him later resenting you for forcing him into a decision he tried to tell you he wasn't prepared for?? You asked the question so I'm going to answer honestly. Yes, I do think it's selfish if you continue to persist on such a serious issue that your husband has clearly expressed he's not ready for. You can't force another child on him just like he can't force you to stop wanting another one. However, both of you must respect the others wishes, with love and compassion - and ultimately, one will be asked to sacrifice unless you both come into agreement on a decision. You view his reasons as 'excuses' but that's unfair and it belittles him. In my opinion, his 'reasons' are legitimate. He may feel old/tired - after all, you have 2 small babies you're both caring for and that takes a whole lot of energy. I know as well - we have a 2 year old and 18 month old, both boys. I'll be 40 this year and my husband is 47. Our situation is reversed - he talks about having another but I'm just not ready. And I can completely relate w/ your husband's reasons. Please don't feel like you're racing against the clock! There IS time. If/when you do have a 3rd child, it should be because you're BOTH open to it. I'd encourage you to just LOVE your husband - listen to him, validate his reasons instead of minimizing and/or contradicting them. Let him be real with you, without feeling like he's going to be punished for it. And, continue to let him know in a loving manner that you'd really like (someday) to have another child w/ him, when/if he's ready. If he knows how much it means to you and he's not feeling forced, he may very well change his perspective about a 3rd child. Pray about it - and trust. You said it well, we are very blessed to have the children we do, so just keep loving the family you've been entrusted with - with all your heart. God bless you and your family!

Give it a rest. There are serious risks to pregnancy and childbirth, maybe your husband is thinking of the big picture, what if he had to raise them without you? You have five or six more years, probably, before you couldn't have anymore, unless you come from a family with early menopause. It is much more expensive to have a big family today than it used to be, everybody needs a college education and they don't enter the workforce and start contributing to the family income at 12. Enjoy the life you have. Your baby is still young, the feelings you are having may be hormonal. Besides, all the child experts say that it is best to space children three years apart, so that the last one can be out of the baby phase before the next one comes. Don't miss out on the precious days you are living in now by worrying about the future. I have discovered in my 50's that there is another way to get babies, though it is not anything I ever considered when I was younger. There are thousands of children in your own county that need adoptive homes. If you decided when your are older that you haven't had enough of childrearing, there are always babies that need parents.

Kids deserve to be THE BABY of the family for a while. You have an infant and a toddler now. It's important to consider their needs as well as your husband's when thinking about adding another child to the family. Being pregnant takes a toll on your energy level and changes the family dynamics quite a bit. It affects everyone and your finances.

Why don't you damp down your baby fever and enjoy the two you have, giving them all the attention they need and want until they are bigger? Perhaps in 3 or 4 years when the first is in school and the second one is in preschool, if you still want a baby, your husband will change his stance and be happy to welcome another child to the family.

Until he changes his mind, you'll just have to accept and respect his answer. You're not selfish for wanting another one, but you will be selfish if you completley ignore his feelings. You mentioned how you would resent him, but think of how he would resent you if you forced a baby on him when he wasn't ready.
Chances are he is feeling overwhelmed right now with the economy and adjusting to baby #2. Tell him that you are open to having another child and if he changes his mind, let you know, then drop it. If you let it go for a while, he'll probably change his mind. After our second, we decided we were done so I had my tubes tied. Fast forward 6 years and my hubby is so sad we decided that and didn't have more kids.
In the meantime, take joy in your children and focus your attention on what you do have, not what you think is missing. Otherwise, you will truly be missing the joy of your family.

hey M., Let your hormones calm down and give him a chance to enjoy the two babies you have now. You will only resent your "dear heart" if you allow your mind to go in that direction. There is no complete family if you are nagging for "another baby" all the time. Give you and your husband a chance to get on the same page and if he never says yes to another child then you have to respect that, He doesn't sound like a selfish man at all, he is being responsible in looking at the whole picture and even risks your ire to maintain his thoughts.
Just consider this...he may be right!! He has a say in this too! He is not just a paycheck and part time Dad, he wants to be able to be with the kids and not be exhausted!! Good luck and take a break, D.

Hi M.,
I have the opposite situation in my house. My husband wants more children and I don't. I never had a biological clock and I actually had to be convinced to have children at all. You really need to consider your husband's worries and concerns because they are all valid to him. Plus you already have two happy, healthy children.

When we got married we agreed we would have 2 children. I gave birth to my son 3 months before I turned 40, my husband was 44. I also had to work full time and didn't have the option of staying home. I work for my family business and was only able to take off for 4 weeks for maternity leave. My husband is an independent producer so he works when there is work - he stayed home with the baby and put him in daycare when he had to work as well.

I work from 8:30 to 5:30, come home at 6:30. From 6:30 until my son goes to sleep, I eat with him, play with him, read, take a bath.....he gets my full attention. I finally sit down at about 9 PM after he is asleep so I can give my husband some attention. When my son was about a year old my husband started talking about the 2nd baby. I was exhausted. The thought of having another baby was terrifying to me - both physically and financially. After avoiding the subject for months, I finally told my husband that we can be a happy family of 3 or we can have another baby and I would have a nervous breakdown and probably wind up divorced. Although he still would like another baby, my husband saw that my concerns and feelings were valid and agreed to only 1. Originally, I had every intention of having 2 kids but I just couldn't do it.

My son is 6 years old now and he's the love of my life. I couldn't live without him. But I cannot even for one minute think about another baby. However, because we only have one child, we are able to take him travelling and to restaurants and plays and movies. If we had more children we couldn't give him the things we are able to give him. I feel guilty a lot about not giving my son a sibling but I think he needs a happy mother more than a sibling. He has friends and cousins so he is not lonely. And I'm still his favorite playmate.

You should sit down with your husband and try to see his point of view. Especially if he is financially responsible for the family (as I am a lot of the time), it is extremely stressful to think about another mouth to feed.

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck with everything whatever you choose.

Marriage is a journey together that involves a lot of compromises. For now, he might not want another one, but if you focus on the family you have now and enjoy your blessings with each other, eventually he might want another. Why must it be so soon and why must it be about resenting him for not getting what you want right away? I hope I don't sound mean or condescending, I just want to show you another way to look at it. I've wanted more kids than my husband from the time we were dating. We have an 8 and 3 yr old (and believe me, I love the space, although I know this plan isn't for everyone), and just this year now that I feel ready to have another one, he has so warmed up to the idea and it's a decision we've now made together (even though I had already planned this long ago and he just needed time and to know we could handle another financially). It's okay to not race to get pregnant to make sure your husband and you are both ready for the next one. If you have a good, openly communicative relationship and a happy marriage, how can he not want to have another baby to make you, the most important person in the world to him, happy?

Consider how YOU would feel if he went out and got a vasectomy, and you've got an answer to your question. If you'd feel hurt, betrayed, baffled, confused, lost, and basically come over with verbal diarrhea (What about...why did you...how could you...but what about...), that's probably how he is currently feeling and reacting to the idea of another little one RIGHT NOW.

So that's a way to approach it. How would YOU want to be come at/talked to/be convinced. How much time would you want to get used to the idea.

We have a HUGE extended family. Like, we get asked if we're mormon, huge. One of the trends I've noticed with the Dads is that after the first couple of babies...they want their WIFE back for a few years. Then they get all thrilled about the idea of being new dads again.

Not saying this is always the case...just something I've noticed in 16 or 17 cases (out of around 20). Even in small families with just 3 kids...it seems like there are 2 close together...then a gap of around 3-5 years...and then the "baby". In bigger families, the sibling groups (that aren't twins/trips) tend to go 2: 1-3 : 2 :1...with each colon marking a space of a couple years.

Anyhow...men are frequently stupid...so be gentle with him. The ones who can actually think out the REAL reasons behind their actions and then actually TELL US are few and far between. I say stupid, because the "real reason" is usually one that we can not only understand & sympathize with...but that makes our hearts melt. Men!

M.,
All the mommies are right, you can't force it if he doesn't want another. Both of your feelings count. And they are right that you will be happier if you focus on the blessings that you have.
That said, I have been in your shoes and totally understand the longing that you feel and how hard it is to accept his opinion. I think my second daughter was the same age as yours when I was going through this too. Maybe it is natural to want another baby right around the time the youngest is starting to crawl and is becoming less baby-like.
Unfortunately, for me, I learned that the reasons that my husband said he didn't want a third were not really the ones that he told me (same as yours...he told me it was money, time, sleep, etc.), but really were related to his feelings about our marriage. I'm now in the middle of divorce (long complicated story) and my image of what my family will be has had to change from 2 parents with 3 kid to single mom with 2 daughters. So, make sure you are taking care of your marriage first and foremost.
Good luck and know that I understand where you are coming from.
M.

With situations like this someone will end up unhappy and possibly resentful forever. It is sad not to have a child you want, but how much sader would it be to be the child that someone didn't want? You may end up with two very unhappy people in your life if you force this into being.

Hubbies need to be on board. It will not be good to make a decision like this without him. I wanted 4 children, luckily I was able to conceive and we had two. I am truly blessed with having the two that God gave me. It really needs to be a decision made together so that there isn't any resentment on his part toward you or the children.

Having three children will complete your family? What about his family? I guess it should have read "our family".
You may have resentment towards him if he does want another, but he may be resentful towards you if you do have another child. The old catch 22 in play again. Time to talk and work on this situation. Keep in mind your baby is only 8 1/2 months old, give your DH some time and when your baby is about 2 1/2 DH may feel differently.
Good Luck

Ok, I am not saying this to be rude, so if you take offense I am sorry, just trying to enlighten you from another point of view. Your very last sentance was, "How do I get him to see that having 3 children will complete my family?" MY family? Isn't it his family too? My husband only wanted 1 child when we were married, and I desperately wanted at least 2 or 3. As much as I wanted to resent him for not wanting more I knew that he might resent me if I had another child he did not want, or even worse he might resent the child. So I surely understand your position. Luckily when our first turned 5 he decided he wanted another, and now that we have baby he is already talking about a third. But you have to do whatever is right for your family and that includes your husband. Good luck and I hope you can find happiness with whatever decision is made :)

The thing to take into consideration here is if he doesn't want another child, is it worth it to trick him and get pregnant or to hound him about it and have your marriage break up because of that (note, my family vs our family). You are not being selfish, just need to know that this is a partnership and needs to be agreed with by both partners. Take some time, you are still young (was 35 and my husband, 52, when we had our first one), and there can be more discussions.

Feel blessed with your two boys and know that it will work out for a reason whatever happens.

This is the hardest situation to be in. I should know, I'm in it now myself! We only have one child and my husband does NOT want any more. We have gone back and forth. I assumed that because it was so important to me, he would eventually give in. But his opinion is just as important to him. I had to consider that our compromise might have been to have any children at all, and if that is the case then I won. Asking for another on top of it seems like a lot to ask for in my husband's eyes. You have to consider that it is possible for another child to put a wedge between you and your husband, and is that worth it? During our talks about this, my hubby and I made a deal - the person who gets their way has to offer the family something (in order to help with the feeling of resentment). I told my hubby that I would go back to school and get a better job so that I could pick up some of the expense of the second child. He told me that he would take the family on additional vacations each year.

You are not being selfish wanting another child, but you are being selfish if you are not considering that your husband's opinion is as important as your own. Don't wreck your relationship with him over this, you have two beautiful boys, it could be worse. You have to consider that you might not get your way and you have to find a way to deal with that resentment. I know it's hard! Good luck.

Hi M.,

Your last question "How do I get him to see that having three children will complete my family?" sort of made me take a step back...

It should be "OUR" family not "MY".

Your husband's idea of a family is already complete...

I don't think either one of you is being selfish. But his feelings on this are not any less important than yours. It's definitely something you should have talked about before marriage, then you both could have made a more informed choice about whether this was the right person for you. But that didn't happen, so here you are.

You need to be a little more respectful of what you call "his excuses". Feeling too old, worrying about finances, the sleep issue, and traveling-These are all VERY VALID fears/concerns.

Your husband wants to be able to comfortably provide for, and enjoy, the family you already have. Adding another child will make that harder, and presumably, he's the one going out to work and making the majority of money that you all live on. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption)

Please stop being resentful toward him. Really, really think about what he is saying to you when he brings up his REASONS (not "excuses") for not wanting another one. You have the power and control over how to feel about this. Be thankful and appreciative for the two wonderful kids you have, and just shower them with all that love that you wish you could give a third. On big, life changing decisions like this, if one spouse says no, the answer is no.

Sorry for the length and if it's a bit harsh. But you made a wrong assumption in the size of family he wanted, and now you're being upset about it. That's not fair. You need to change your attitude and count your blessings.

Good luck!

I think ur so lucky to have two healthy boys already! I only have one precious beautiful boy 7 months old! Husband doesn't want anymore either! At least u have siblings mine will be an only child! :( It kills me inside too! I know I will resent him but I wish I was in ur boat! Two is perfect! Men are stupid they don't know what they want! Good luck I will be praying for u! My husband did get the vasectomy which killing our relationship! We were happily married for 10yrs now I can't even stand to look at him and sex is a whole other story! He says if we want another one in a year he will get a reversal! But I hate him for what he has done! This baby we have is so perfect smiles ALL the time sleeps through the night! Such joy! He has a big family too! I want another one soooo bad I can't even tell u! So be very thankful that ur not in my situation! Your husband just might change his mind give him some time! I hate mine right now and I don't think I will ever EVER get past it!

Gosh, All I can say is, it takes two to tango. I know my husband was WAY more involved with #1 than he was with #2. Since I basically was on my own with the second one, I know that I am pretty well done having kids. He has actually hinted at having a third, but I tell him that it is his turn to care for the next baby. You will resent him if he does not let you have more AND you will resent him if you have another one and he is of little help.

Hi there... I am so sorry you feel this way. I have two beautiful sons that are almost 4 and 2. I would love more than anything to have a 3. My husband just turned 45 and does not want another. It breaks my heart because deep down I hear deep in my heart the laughter of a 3rd child when we are all together. However, I would/will never force my husband into having another. We have been blessed with two very active and healthy boys. Try and turn your resentment into love and gratitude for the blessings you already have. : )
Good luck to you.

WOW to your comments. Some real hard core ladies here. I have been dealing with this issue for the last 8 1/2 years. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful and healthy kids the 3rd a Boy. Mine were 5 years apart, my spouse didn't want any so he says. But dating him, he was 28/29 and had 2 little sisters 4 & 5 he loved these 2 little girls and toke them on Big brother dates and did fun stuff with them. I thought he would be a great dad. He knew I wanted kids but I can't say we ever talked about how many. (Now if you knew you didn't want any kids don't you think you should date those that don't want kids. And get yourself fixed so you wouldn't have any). No they still date us and marry us with false hopes.

I think that when a woman gets that desire to have another, there is a baby in heaven pulling our strings saying I'm ready mom. That has happened 2 major times since I had my 3rd. And it totally rips me apart.

I wish that men could understand that we were put here to be mothers. We want this when we are old enough to carry our baby dolls. Men think they were put here to get sex. Not true. That just the perks that come with the job. I wish men could understand that the way they need sex is the way we feel about babies. We just need them. There is no controlling these feelings, when a man can't get some from a girl he takes care of the job himself. But if we did that, got pregnant without his ok we become these aweful women to resent. I guess that's why God made us the strong ones. It is nice to know that other women feel this way and that I'm not alone. But it doesn't make the longing for those missing babies any better.

I love my husband, I have given up alot for him and sometimes wonder if it was truely worth it. I can only say wait a month then tell him your true feelings how you can't controll them it just aches inside and you don't know how to make it stop. As for his age. My hubby would say I don't want to be an old man walking to my kids graduation. I told him that is the way of the world today, if you weren't old then people would be looking at you funny, because everyone is having kids later and older.

I see it as having 3 beautiful oooopses/Miracles. He loves them all you can't help but love them when they are small & wrinklie and smell so good. This next one could be the light of his life. Like another lady said her daughter and hubby are best buddies. I do understand the economy and if that is an issue then wait another year. My prayers are with you. I totally feel for you. Always know that your not alone. The pain does get better but it's always brewing like a volcano. God bless you. J.

Hi,

I don't think you are selfish for wanting another one, that is perfectly ok. And I don't think he is selfish for not wanting another one.

My thought is that if either of you says no to a third child, it means you shouldn't have another one...unless he were to change his mind down the road. I think resenting him if he says he doesn't want another one is under your control and you can choose not to be resentful, but instead thankful for the 2 beautiful children and wonderful husband you do have. :)

M.

I am going through the same thing right now! I was glad to find somebody who can relate. I only have one child and she will be 3 in August. We tried 2 times to have another baby... both ended in miscarriage, which was completely devastating. Each one took a long time to convince him to try again, then I finally got him to agree (the miscarriages were 9 months apart) and I lost both. Now I'm pretty sure he wont be wanting to try again for a long time, if ever, and my daughter just keeps getting older (don't you hate how that happens?) I never thought she would not have a close sibling. I'm only 26 and he's 32, so it's not like we are having kids late or anything!! But it seems he already feels that way.

I have the resentment issue also. I cannot help but resent him if I end up having an only child, ESPECIALLY because we DID talk about how many children we wanted before we got married. We always said 2-3... never just 1! Also, others have said that he would resent you now for not agreeing with him, but I think that's wrong because he can control getting what he wants, which is no more kids, without you agreeing with it... but you can't get what you want without his approval... he kinda has to be there, haha... it's pretty unfair. Sorry, this whole topic makes me upset. Hang in there! I think that women should be able to decide how many children they can deal with because they are the ones taking care of them all the time. We do all the work and we're the ones who want more. Men should not give us issues when they aren't even with the kids most the time. But they always end up being the ones who can't handle another one. Gotta love them though, right?

Your situation is not uncommon. I feel for you. I had the opposite problem: my husband wanted a 5th (yes 5th!) baby and I did not. After two years of battling with him and much prayer, I gave in to him. Well, we just had our 6th baby 8 months ago and it was my idea! Imagine that! My recommendation to you is to pray about it. Don't bother your husband about the issue anymore, bother Jesus! Seek to love your husband, to help him where he needs help, and be supportive and encouraging to him because what your two children need more than another sibling is a mom and dad that are happy together. You can choose NOT to be resentful, but to prefer your husband's desires in this matter and keep praying. God hears and he cares. God bless you.

You have two beautiful children....understand the want for another, but I think the general rule of thumb should be if one doesn't want it....no is the answer...put the shoe on your foot ...he does you don't!

Respect your man!

Good luck...

P.

Let the chips fall where they may! Children are a blessing and not a burden!

Dear M,

these things you should have discuses before having children. You and your husband should have talked about how many children you wanted to have prior to marriage. If your husband does not want any more kids then you should be happy with the ones you have and give them the love you would a newborn. It is not just about you- it is his life too (not to mention your boys). You have two beautiful children so--- Let it be and enjoy the little ones that you have.
Good luck,
S

oops did not see that you had solved your problem ..
good job!

Congratulations on the two children you already have. Please do not take your marriage or them for granted. Spend some 1 on 1 time with your husband. Hire a babysitter every once in awhile and go on outings with your husband to have couple time. You definitely need to strengthen your marriage so that you can be a better parent and partner to your husband. Be supportive of him. While I understand that this conflict about whether to have another child is significant right now, if you don't take the steps to strengthen your marriage, things will only get worse. You are not wrong to feel the way you do nor is he wrong in feeling the way he does. You are just having a difference of opinion. Before you even bring the subject up with him again, I would volunteer to babysit for someone who has a younger child than yours for awhile, so you can see if you can truly handle another with your own. And I agree with the person who said to pray a lot. Don't specifically pray for another baby, pray that you will continue to be a good wife and mother and that you can have a strong marriage and family. In time, your husband may change his opinion, but in the meantime, it is wrong to have a baby again without his agreement.

The very best to you.
J.

I struggeled with this myself when my second child (who is now 3) was an infant and toddler. We had talked about having 2 or 3 kids when we were dating and engaged, and I felt like I might want one more, but my husband adamantly opposed it. I think I even sent a similar email to this one. The bottom line is, you can not have another child if both spouses don't want one. My mother suggested coordinating and "accidental" pregnancy, but your husband would always resent you. You said you will resent your husband if you don't have another child - I guarantee he will resent you if you push him into this. I am at the point now where I actually am glad we only have 2 - I still look at little babies and feel that longing to have another baby, but not at the expense of my marriage and my 2 beautiful kids that I have now. I would see if your husband would be open to counseling to help resolve the issue. Also, men aren't as into tiny babies as women - maybe as your kids get bigger and he sees the joy he gets from spending time with them, he will be more open to another. But if he really doesn't want another, you will need to accept it. At least that is my opinion.