Not Sure My Husband Wants a Second Child, but Should I?

I think I would start working on communicating with him (or more to the point, getting him to communicate with you) before pushing for another child or deciding to give up. I think he (and maybe you, too) had some unrealistic expectations about having children (such as, women automatically know how to take care of babies). I think a dose or reality/education is needed, but I don't think having a second child is hopeless yet.

I looked through a few comments but I haven't read them all so I am sorry if I am repeating something.
I don't think it would be a good idea to get pregnant without his full approval, at least as far as your marriage and life together goes.
But, here is what I think: sometimes you need to be selfish. You need to think about how you want YOUR life, and YOUR family to be.

Why do you have to get your tubes tied?
Stay on birth control for a year and then revisit it. It is not now or never. You have plenty of time to have another child.
Sounds like your husband has some growing up to do. And if you're having doubts, don't do it. Your child deserves to be born in to a family that will cherish him/her. Plus, does your husband want another child? Sounds like you're doing all the work and he expects you do it. He doesn't seem very supportive to me.
Good luck!

Looks like you've already gotten some great advice, but I just wanted to say that my church has a great group of young married couples with/without kids. We band together for support and encouragement. We have a wonderful pastor that my husband and I are currently going to for counsel. We've enjoyed our time with this church SO much. Their heart truly beats for others. Christ in the cornerstone of all that is done, thought or said. We live to serve each other in a loving and selfless way. I can rest in the knowledge that I no longer walk alone. There are always others there to help, share and heal. If you don't have a church home, then I would welcome you to join us. Our church is on South Robert Trail. It's right after it passes over 494 and goes in Sunfish Lake. It's called First Calvary Church. Come to church or Sunday school. Sunday school is at 9:15 and church is at 10:30. Tell the greeter that J. and Nathan invited you! Even if you come alone, I promise you'll be welcomed with open arms.

I would at least wait until I felt confident about it, if that happens.

It sounds like you are very willing to work on your marriage, and also to accept your husband, flaws and all. Would he be willing to go to counseling? If he would, it might be hugely beneficial for him to see your perspective, and to learn that not all childhood experiences are like his. I guess I wouldn't give up on the idea of #2 (two of my good friends had babies quite naturally into their mid-40s), but I know for my husband and I, #2 took a much greater toll on our marriage than #1--and #2 was the "easy" baby in some ways. The friends of mine who have gone the counseling route have only had to do a few sessions to get things straightened out--generally it was a matter of having a third party to "hear" each other better. Good luck to you!

I would agree with the others you should get counseling.
And I would not go behind his back and get pregnant unless you want to raise the baby on your own.

Good Luck

OMG I think our husbands are twins!!!! My husbands mom left him and his sisters when he was 1. His dad is a drunk. he hired a nanny to take care of the kids (She loves the girls but not my husband for some odd reason).I grew up with great parents and saw how a loving husband and wife act with each other. He was great before we got married and then he started to get irritable and craby all the time. Any little thing sets him off. We did go to counseling (everything became about him and his bad childhood) she gave him some sugestions on what he could do, but by the time we got to the car he would change everything so that it was something I was suposed to do. We had one son at the time and I did not want my son to think it was ok to treat a woman the way he treats me. So I finaly told him the way it is!!! "Look budy if you love me the way you say you do then show it other wise get the H### out!!!" I got tired of alway getting yealled at because he was craby. Any way things did get better. We had #2 and now are talking about #3. I do let him know that this is his chance to make his kids life better! He has started to do good stuff with our oldest son and becoming more patient and loving to me and our kids. Good luck!!!!

I would say if he isn't commited to the idea of having another child then it may be best to wait. The other thing is if your marriage is a little rough now may not be the time for another child, they are wonderful but also add a lot of stress and changes to a marriage. A marriage takes both partners working together and it sounds like you are really making changes but if he isn't making changes also it is going to be tough. Good luck in whatever you decide.

I would strongly suggest that you and your husband have some serious conversations before you think about another child.

Having a chid can be hard on a relationship, no question. We have three, and each time the transition was very hard for us and required some serious reassessment of how we saw each other and our responsibilities. It sounds like there may be some lingering resentments about how he handled you as a new mom, the pressures of trying to conceive, and lack of reliability of his income. If that's the case, you definitely want to handle those before you talk about trying for another one; in fact, you want to tackle those issues as soon as possible, because it's not good for any of you for those feelings to be hovering under the surface.

I understand your desire to have another child; we have three, and I always knew without question that we would have more than one. There was some tension when we started to talk about having a second one, once the first was already here. And it's still not easy much of the time. But I would not offer your husband an ultimatum, like another child right now or getting your tubes tied. First I suggest that you deal with any tensions you two are having now. Sit down and talk about what's already going on. Then when you've started to deal with that, you can begin a conversation about whether another child is a good idea, now or in the future.

It sounds to me like you are the only one putting any effort into the marriage. If you take a step back and read your post as though someone else wrote it, I'm sure you would be able to see that something is definitely not right here. You had to improve your efforts, and YOUR attitude, but it seems that he expects that of you and isn't doing anything to better himself. without judging your situation, all I know is that I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, nor have another child with him. But I do not think you should even consider having your tubes tied. I would try counseling, with or without him. If that doesn't work, I would re-evaluate even being with "a man like that".

I would not recommend tying your tubes! If he doesn't want more children let him get fixed. You are so uncertain and you may regret it later!! Your husband does sound like maybe a little counseling to release some of his childhood issues could help all of you!! Remember marriage is a partnership and although you may not always agree you have to talk things through and reach mutual decisions!! He needs to put as much forth as you do!!! Good Luck!

You really need to make sure your relationship with your husband is strong before having another baby . It sounds to me he is not sure what he wants out of life yet. I would not have my tubes tied not in a rocky relationship . That ends any chance of you having another baby . You need to sit your husband down and have a long talk before trying for another baby .

I sympathize with you as you're in a tough situation - not sure if your marriage will work in the long run, but not ready to throw in the towel already, wanting another child and approaching an age where you don't want to put off having another child... My advice would be: if you knew ahead of time that you would ultimately end up being a single parent and you would still want a second child, then go ahead (if you can get him to cooperate) and have your second child. If you would choose not to have the second child if you knew you would eventually be a single parent, then consider working on your marriage first. Even if you wait until 38 or 39, it will likely not be too late.

I was in a similar situation and decided that I didn't want my daughter to be an only child and that I would have chosen to have my second child regardless of whether I ended up raising them both alone or not. Also, it was important to me that my kids be full brother/sister (for personal reasons - no knock on moms of kids with different daddies) even if I ended up in another relationship eventually. So, I went ahead. We've worked it out, but I'm glad I considered my options, and also it is nice to know that I would be content if it were just me and the kids :)

Good luck!

i didnt read your whole post, but i had immediate comments:

first, respect your husband. you will only cause resent in your marriage if you force him to have a second kid, or trick him into getting pregnant or something. that is not good.

however, there is no need to take drastic measures.
get the mirena (its awesome) and just take your time. my husband took 2 1/2 years before he sounded more interested in the idea of another kid, but that doesnt mean we are jumping into it at this point. we think that if an adoption situation presented itself, we would do that. but we just wait.

its very important that you not feel resent for your husbands feelings. its probably not a permanent feeling. its ok! let him deal with the child that you have, and get used to being a fathter - it takes longer than you think! just have patience, pray (if you are religious) that you have patience and that God leads you in the way he wants you to go, and last but not least - mark gungor : laugh your way to a better marriage.
this dvd will TOTALLY CHANGE your marriage in a GOOD way. if you can get a copy, or even if you just watch a few clips on youtube, or listen to mark's radio show, its SO AWESOME.
you will love it.
bless you! and good luck!

L.,
I certainly don't think it has to be all or nothing. Sounds like you like the idea of having another child, so a tubal ligation is a very extreme measure that you will most likely regret. Tubals are very difficult to reverse, and it is unlikely that you would be able to successfully conceive again after you have this procedure, if you do try for a reversal. It sounds like you and your husband need to be on the same page about this issue, and maybe you can make it known to him that you want to sit down and have a serious discussion about this, as well as his reservations toward having another child. But getting a tubal, in my opinion, is way too extreme a measure for you, from what you have described. Don't limit your future!
Best of luck,
Amy

I strongly recommend counseling, either together, or if he won't go, you go alone. I know all about the age factors, but many of us have had babies at 40+, so I would try to put the "now or never" thought to rest and take the time to work out your thoughts, feelings, and the realities of your marriage.

Then, there's a question I would ask: How many children are you financially and emotionally prepared to raise alone?

When my husband and I were first married, he could be a royal pain at times. I know I chose him, but I didn't remember him being such a baby when I was dating him. Anyway, I finally got through to him when it came to our daughter. I explained that girls merry what they see in their father. I also explained that once we were gone, I didn't want my daughter to be alone. I wanted her to always have family.

If you husband doesn't like how his childhood was then he is a big boy and he can make his life different. He can make it better for his family. He was helpless as a child, but he isn't now and choosing to stay on the "pitty pot" isn't helping anyone.

I grew up with two alcoholic parents. The have sobered up and are wonderful now, but in the day it could be pretty rough. I have decided that those tough times have made me stronger and I am better for it. It has also made me see how I choose to be as a parent. I always tell my kids that they can't drag anyone with them to the gates of heaven to explain their behavior. Your one your own! We all get some suffering in our lives and it is what we do with it that gets us to heaven.

If you really really want another one I don't think the feeling goes away. My kids are 7 years apart and I always wanted the 2nd one and I wanted my 2nd one more and more as years went on.

I would make it a point to have a serious talk with your husband but make sure your relationship is rock solid before having anymore children.

It looks like you have gotten a lot of good advice about your husband. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents about having another baby. I was having problems in my marriage a couple years ago, but I knew I wanted to have another baby, whether the marriage lasted or not, I wanted 2 kids, so I had another baby. Our marriage ended up working out and we are still together. I guess in my opinion if you really want another baby, then I say go for it.

Just my thoughts, but unless you are BOTH wanting to add to your family, I wouldn't press the issue. If you did get pregnant with out him knowing you were trying to conceive-that would be wrong on so many levels. If you "talked him into it", would he only be doing it to apease you? Would it cause problems in the future? As much as we may want something for ourselves, you always need to consider their reasons and feelings for why they do or do not want something. Did you discuss family planning prior to marriage or your first child? Hard topic...good luck to you in what ever transpires.

You explained this all so well here, I have to wonder what he would say if you simply spoke to him with all that you've written here. Nothing in here seems offensive, just caring and honest. Maybe you can just bring it to him the way you've broughten it to us. You seem to be very caring and open so I'd like to think he wouldn't be able to get angry with you if you keep this attitude in the conversation. Good luck! I know it won't be easy but I think an open conversation is warranted. You're a hell of a woman being able to put his needs in such perspective!

My advise would be to not have another child. I "pushed" my hubby into have a 2nd child, and we ended up with twins. This has been the hardest (and most expensive) 2 years of my life. If we had not had a strong marriage, I can guarantee you this would have ended it. Keeping a marriage and family together is hard enough, without adding additional stress. If things have been a bit rough in your marriage, just be happy with what you have and keep everything together. If you would have multiples, or an unhealthy child, and your husband isn't going to 100% be there to help, you are headed down a scary path.

It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I have read some of the other posts but not all, and as one person said if you were to look at what you wrote as if someone else wrote it, the answers might pop up for you all on your own.
All I would have to say about the marriage aspect of this post is that a marriage requires both people to put in an effort, and you doing the improving on yourself or changing your attitude does not sound like both of you are making an effort. It takes 2 to make a marriage work, and work well. If you and your husband can agree, you can try counseling.
As for having another baby, I think if that's your dream you shouldn't let go of it. But I also wouldn't pose the question to my husband and then suggest to get tubes tied if he doesn't want another one now, it would almost seem like an ultimatum, which nobody likes to be given. Maybe just open up the floor on what his concerns are about having another one and try working on improving the communication in your marriage before you try if he says to give it a go. Maybe he's concerned about the money aspect of all of it.
In the end, if you decide you don't want to try for another child with "a man like this", I would seriously think about if YOU want to even be with "a man like this" and raise the child that you do have with him. There are a lot of men in this world. You should be happy!!! Good luck on everything and take care.

As a mother of two, married for 13 years, and now having some marital problems, I couldn't help but respond. If your marriage is struggling right now, a second child (when he clearly doesn't want one) will surely aggravate things. You might consider taking a break from this topic for a year, and really focus on the marriage...counseling, if you commit to it and both believe in it can really help rather than trying to sort through everything on your own. It can also help you with prioritizing things in your life as a couple, rather than as individuals. The best gift you can give a child is a solid and happy marriage so you pass on great relationship skills and secure their future happiness. I have a very close friend who is really struggling with her marriage and pregnant with the second child, and the impending birth puts so much strain on their relationship. It might have been better to get the marriage in order first - then, you can be the best parents you can be to this new child. You are still young enough to slow down and tackle one thing at a time!

Sounds like you have a rocky relationship on your hands. Have you thought about marriage counseling??

I have a friend who went through an unexpected affair, walking in on her husband before kids were in the picture. She says it was the best thing they could've done, the marriage counseling, and suggests every couple does it whether they think they need it or not. It opened her eyes in a lot of ways. I've gotten some piece advice from her and it has all been great. She is now still happily married with a one year old girl, planning to have more kids in the future.

The counseling might open some fellings for both of you and help you both decide on baby #2.

Good luck I hope you get what you want!

Hi L.

Sounds like your husband is trying to find where he fits in life--switching jobs and going back to school. Often when men are unsettled in their "provider" role it causes other issues regarding big decisions in life. He may REALLY not know if he wants another child or not! It does make it difficult to make decisions--and it sounds like maybe he needs some career counseling or maybe even just some good therapy to help himself get to a better place too.

If you are able to have a good discussion with him, maybe ask him to think about the "big" picture of your life--long term--rather than just the now. Is this something you discussed before you were married and what were your expectations? What has changed?

I really feel for your situation and wish you all the best. Just for my two cents, I love having more than one child. Good luck with your decision!