What to Do When Your Spouse Does Not Want a Baby?

I would get a councilor for the 2 of you. Many couples get divorced over this very issue. Personally, if he understood you wanted children before the marriage and is now changing his mind, I feel that is unfair to you, and in fact can be grounds for annulment. I could not imagine spending my life without knowing the love of my children, the love for and of ones spouse in just not the same. I love my husband, but would happily be a single parents before I would give up the chance to be a mother.

Go to counseling. I hope you will be able to work it out. However, a man who marries a woman who wants kids and then changes his mind is grounds for an annulment.

I think this is probably an area that a certified counselor would be helpful. While I am not usually an advocate of ultimatums this is what I eventually did with my husband. He decided after 2 years of marriage that he didn’t want to bring a child into a world that was so messed up. However he married me knowing that I had all intentions of being a mother. We did counseling for a year and he still wouldn’t budge at which time I calmly explained to him that while I still loved him as much as I always had I was unwilling to give up the chance to be a mother for him. I explained to him that he would need to figure out just how strongly he did not want to be a father and let me know within 6 months time. I then packed up and went to stay with my sister. It took him about 2 weeks to decide he was just being chicken and two years later we had our son. Of course it could have gone the other way but to me my child, even though he was unborn, was more important. I went against what the counselor suggested in giving an ultimatum and it could have blown up in my face but I got lucky. I think deep down I knew he wasn’t really against having a child as we had always dreamed of the day when we had our children, but I also know that it hurt every time he said he didn’t want to be a dad and I felt very deceived by him. I hope that you can solve this in a way that you are both happy and wish you the best.

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This happend to some freinds of mine. They got married planning to have a family, then a few years later with no children, one of them revealed they never wanted kids.

It was a major deal breaker and they divorced. I think that is totally understandable when a person can just pull the rug from another like that.

If you want a baby and to raise your own offspring and feel the joys of pregnancy, and your own grandchildren, no man should not allow you that, especially if he said he was willing to have a family with you pre-marraige. That is a major part of your life you are willing to give up based on what one man wants.

Now that he has you, he thinks he can just change his mind and lead you on? What else will he change his mind about over the years that you were lead to believe?

Whatever you do, do not get your tubes tied. Imagine if you agree, then something happens to him in a few years or so or he later decides he does want children, and you have a chance to start out and have a family. It would be too late. Leave your body alone so that you will have the chance when you choose it.

Also, if you guilt him into having kids, he could resent you, and if you agree to never have children, you could resent him of depriving you that. So, it's a gamble and it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. It would be for me.

Don't make any dtrastic decisions right now, either hysterectomy or pregnancy!!! Go on good birth control and re-visit the issue in 6 months or so (don't do it sooner...then it become badgering). If he still isn't there and you are willing to wait, then try again in another 6 months. There may come a time when you need to decide what is more important - baby or husband. See if he will go to counseling. If he won't budge and kids are a deal breaker, DO NOT get pregnant 'by accident'.

In the mean time, why can't you do those things your husband wants to do? He is right that you have much more difficulty traveling and spending time together once a baby is in the picture. If you want to do those things, DO THEM NOW!! There is no rush to have a baby.

When you talk to him, you may want to remind him that it isn't as bad as I am sure he remembers. I would bet he remembers being 'tied down' and all the stress of a new baby. He is older and more patient now. I'd bet he can't imagine having a baby and starting all over again. He also might be concerned about finances, so maybe you need to see why he doesn't want to have a baby.

Best to you.

I can't imagine how tough this is. Is he willing to budge? He already has a child, so he should understand your wanting one. To say you should just be a mother to his child is ridiculous. If you felt that way it would work, but you don't.
You may have to decide which is more important. Knowing you have always wanted to have a child, agreeing then reneging is quite self-centered and selfish. Be prepared.

You should let him know that he went into the marriage open to having children. Because of that, he should be willing to fulfill that part of his commitment. However, if he's going to resent a child -do you want that? I know people who have been in this position and chose to keep their relationship instead of insist on children. My advice has also always been -I had rather have the love I know with my husband than mess that up because of a desire for children. I have two children, but I told my husband when we married I wasn't sure I wanted any. I asked him to be really honest about how important it was to him. He said he wasn't sure either, but we both agreed we could be happy together just the two of us. I'm delighted and happy we decided to have our boys, and they are my heart and soul, but I would have been happy if I had never had them. I, too, love to travel, and I think ultimately I may have felt some emptiness if he was always against it, but I wouldn't have forced it.

Talk to him about the fact that he DID change his mind about an incredibly huge thing, but search your heart and soul as well. I don't know your age, but if it's something that you could put on hold for a few years -do -and see how you feel then. I had mine at 36 and 38 and most of my friends did too. Travel the world a little bit and enjoy yourselves!

Also -he should easily be able to see that being a stepmom to a teenage daughter is in NO way applicable to the experience of being a mother to your own baby from birth! That's a cop out!

Do what you have to do to clear this up--couples counseling, on your own, etc. There are plenty of reasons to not have children...and so many to do it. Decide what you can live with. If you want so badly to have a child, it will erode your marriage. I have some lovely step-children to which I am still close, but it isn't the same as having your own.

My ex-husband and I were in marriage counseling for some other issues. We had been planning on having children. I had already even been pregnant and miscarried the previous year. One day he says to the counselor...I don't want to have any more kids. Problem is...I had just found out I was pregnant that morning and was planning a special dinner to tell him that night. What a kick to the teeth that was...I don't think I stopped crying all day.

Long story short...he bailed and I am a single mother. He doesn't make much effort to see her (just once so far in 2010...only five times in 2009). My daughter is lovely and wonderful, but being a single mother is hard. I am lucky to have a good job and benefits, but I make a lot of sacrifices to keep my house and take care of my daughter. He is fairly good about paying the child support, but he refuses to pay every month so it is impossible to include in planning.

Good luck.

I don't think anyone can answer this but you. It is truly a double edged sword: if you acquiesce to his wishes, you will eventually resent him for not allowing you your chance to be a mother to your "own" child (which could happen biologically or through adoption - point being that you are the mom and he is the dad); if you go forward without him on board, he will resent you. Either scenario ends in unhappiness and likely divorce.

Good luck.

Please consider talking about this with a therapist - individually and also together with your husband. You both will need a safe place to discuss this (especially if you are considering a hysterectomy), with an impartial 3rd party that can help you both through this. This is a big issue to navigate. While your husband has a right to change his mind, he might need to realize that it could potentially change your mind about being married to him. It would be a dealbreaker for me personally. Only you know what is your path in life, and I truly feel a therapist would be very helpful.

Being a stepmom isn't the same as being a mom, *especially* if you want (and are able to) have children of your own. I am not negating stepmotherhood - I'm only saying that its different than motherhood, especially with a teenager. Chances are your husband realizes this but with a teenager, might not be sure about going "through the process" again with a baby. I'm totally guessing here.

Good luck!! I'm sorry this isn't more conclusive or helpful.

wow, first, let me say i'm so sorry that you are going through this, it has to be extremely tough :(

did he indicate prior to the marriage that HE wanted more children? or just kinda listen and nod when you expressed your desires for children?

i hate to say this, but this is something you do NOT want to "convince" someone of. having a child is one of the very few things in a marriage that takes "two yes's but only ONE no". on the flip side of that, it sounds like you were very honest and forthcoming in your desire to have a child someday. you need to really think about YOU in your decision making. i would absolutely NOT have a fertility ending surgery until you are absolutely certain that you don't want a baby and have had that certainty for at least a year - that is a bell that you can't unring. and you need to examine ALL possibilities in that decision. if this is a dealbreaker for you, you need to tell him that, not to change his mind, but to let him know that this won't work for you.

additionally, maybe explore very deeply and carefully the reasons for his sudden change of heart.

good luck!

Did you check with your doc, if you could even carry/get pregnant with your endometriosis? If not find out what your chances are. The point sadly may be moot. If there is a strong chance you can get pregnant I would have a sit down with husband. I would be calm and say I love you and I married you, but BEFORE we got married you agreed to have kids, I kind of feel duped as now I am married to a man during my childbirthing years and you no longer want kids, how do you expect me to respond? Also is he truly going to take you to "travel the world?" sounds to me he looked in the mirror and his mortality stared him back in the face and he thinks he is "too old". This is a serious situation as it would cause most women to second guess their decision to marry. Oh and a hysterectomy is no compromise and you will go through menopause and all the fun stuff that goes along with that. Does hubby want that?!

I don't know the medical implications of your issue, so I can't speak to that. You say you've only been married for a year. Do some counseling before deciding it's a deal breaker. If you are young enough to have some time to wait to become a mom, then take the time to travel and spend time with him. Have some married couple time before you do the kid thing, cause you won't be able to once the kid is there - vacations without the kids are just not the same thing. Good luck!

Geesh, this is a tough one. On one hand, it seem like since children were an agreed upon issue before you were married, you may have the right to push a little on the issue. On the other hand, having a baby with someone who doesn't want to, will not make for a happy marriage or happy parenting. I guess it's up to you to decide if having a biological child with your husband is worth a whole lot of backlash from him if he resents not getting his way.

My DH and I never talked about having more than one child, and now with a two-year-old my husband has made it quite clear he does not want another. It's sad for me because at time I really wish my son would have a sibling, but it's not worth it for me to push the issue and create a rift in my marriage.

Good Luck.

Your husband agreed to O. thing, then changed his mind. You've gotta decide if this is a deal breaker to you. If so...move on.

I have O. very good friend who was in very much your position. She decided to stay and has had/has a very full life with her step kids/step grandkids/hubby. They are free to come and go as they please and they travel all of the time. She has a great life and I don't feel that she has any regrets.

Good luck!

This is a major issue and bottom line, he's changed his mind which may nullify parts of your relationship. I would strongly suggest seeking-out counseling. Either something significant changed over the last year or he lied to you so you would agree to marry him. Either way, you need to find out what changed and move forward.

It would be a deal breaker for me if we could not work it out during counseling. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I hope that you end up happy.

I have not read the other responses but this sounds like a deal breaker. I would advise counseling if you are committed to the relationship. You personally have to decide if your committment to him is greater than your desire for a baby. I can say being a parent is the most awesome thing in the world and I wouldn't change it a bit. I would imagine that somewhere down the line if you give this up you will grow resentful and bitter. Is it really worth it?? Take this opportunity to really consider what is best for you. If your husband can't handle one child you'd love to have, sounds like he is being selfish. Good luck

Why can't you be a mother to your stepdaughter? I mean you can't force him to want a baby . Though with the fact you have only been married a very short time its a bit premature to worry.. As far as a hysterectomy goes isn't that a touch overkill? Last I knew there are better was of birth control than that and they only do that procedure if its medical needed..I say relax and give things time. A relationship changes after children come in the picture

Sweetie I understand where you are coming from. I just asked my husband a hypothetical question pertaining to your situation. I asked him if I had kept my first pregnancy and still married him and he told me he wanted a kid and I told him ok then changed my mind and then told him to be a father to my son from a previous relationship. He told me he'd be mad but still thinks I am in the wrong if he did that to me it's ok. I told him if it was like that in my opinion I would try counciling and reasoning but if that didn't work then I'd file a divorce because taking away wanting to be a mother is extremely wrong in my opinion. And he tells my that would be mean and being a word I won't mention here. I would sit him down and tell him what he promised you, and to work on a plan. If he still doesn't want to then I would have to cut my losses. That's my opinion don't take it if you don't like it. lol Sorry I get so avid about things like this because I feel for women who have a harder time conceiving and a spouse isn't being reasonable. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a baby soon. :)

Having a child is something that everyone should experience IF they want to. There is no way I would get a hysterectomy if I wanted a child. I would sit him down and talk to him about how he promised you he would have one child with you before you were married and how he cannot go back on that now. How if he loves you he will give you the miracle of life and birth. I would not sacrafice my dream for someone who broke his promise. I would be serious about it and maybe even do counseling. Babies are a miracle and are amazing! There are a piece of you!!!