Thanks for all of the input.
You need to walk away from this guy and find one who wants the same things you do. Don't expect him to change. You know that. The hard part is following through and doing something about it.
I'm sorry, but I agree with other posters. If you talk to him and he really doesn't want kids and you really do than it sounds like a deal breaker to me. There is no oops I got prenant and talking him into having kids. Sorry!
I just read what I wrote below and I realize it's harsh, but it's truly what I beleive you need to hear and realize.
He doesn't want children. You need to listen to him. There is nothing you can do to find out why he doesn't want more children, when and if the time comes he will tell you. At this point in your relationship, quite honestly it's none of your business. He's being up front and telling you he does not want any more children, the reason doesn't matter.
Your boyfriend doesn't need counceling you do. You need to learn how to accept him as he is, or to end this relationship and find someone who shares the sames dreams as you. That's when your needs will get recongized.
Whoa! He's being honest with you. That's a GOOD thing. Another thing I can offer is that "men don't change." Stop trying to change his mind. Trapping him (as you know) is a bad idea. I would question the maturity level of your friends. I'm also O. of those people that believe that children need stable, MARRIED parents with a solid foundation.
As an outsider I can easily just say move on and find someone who will want a child too...but obviously it's just not that easy. I understand your feelings about your biological clock, but you do still have a little time. I think ultimately you need to decide if that's a deal breaker and if it is, adjust your life accordingly. Also, bring it up to him...tell him your feelings and that it may make you question your relationship with him if he truly doesn't want kids and see where it takes you. Maybe if he knows he could lose you, his feelings might change. I totally agree with you about not getting pregnant without his knowledge...not cool. You are making the right choice about that. I wish I had more sage advice for you, but you have to do what is in your heart and kids are pretty wonderful. Don't settle for anything less than you truly want.
My BIL found a woman who sounds a lot like you...everything was milk and honey, sweets and roses she wanted kids and he did not. She didn't listen and "oops, got pregnant" and it has literally ruined his life. And it's been hell on my nephew.
Your confusion lies in he is saying something you refuse to hear. You need to move on and find someone who can give you what you need. Sorry, it's not working out with him, but kids are a deal breaker. GL.
Your needs get recognition when you are with a partner who has some shared goals with you. This doesn't make him a bad guy; it just makes him not "the one" for you.
Yes, he may be perfect in your eyes, but if you are really wanting children and he is dead set against it then it may be in your best interest to move on and try to find yourself a partner who shares these same life goals as you do.
And you're doing the right thing by not listening to your girlfriends. Building a relationship on a lie is deceitful and selfish.
You need to find someone who wants what you want - to have and raise a family together. And you can't waste your time on anyone who does not share your goals.
Ditto Tori.
This is your life.... and if 2 partners do NOT have the same paths/life plan/ideas about kids... well you will either waste your time, be disappointed, have relationship problems, and not be happy. Truly.
There are many good men out there.. who would like children. You just have to choose wisely.. not just get hooked up or bank your entire life on a man.. that may not 'fit' your own values/ideas about life.
Getting pregnant on purpose, is NEVER good. That is 'entrapment.' Any person, would resent that. And it is underhanded.
You said your relationship with him is very NEW. So you cannot plan your life with a new relationship. It is too new.
Next, DISCERN your 'need' for a baby... between just wanting one with whomever... or with actual real facts on your relationship and your partner.
Do not just have a baby... just because you want one.
The relationship, should be mutual... and the 'future' of it..... not manipulated or accelerated because of a "biological clock" ticking away.
all the best,
Susan
Several things in your post caught my attention.
1) You are divorced partly b/c your ex didn't want children. Consider the reason why you are now in a new relationship with another man who does not want kids. Is there something about you that is drawn to the same type of man?
2) This guy does not want kids, he's already made that very clear. I believe you are setting yourself up for a serious heartbreak. Since the relationship is new and "you've been there done that with your ex" cut your losses now if you want your needs to get recognition. Why put yourself through this a second time?
3) I think your focus is on the "now" and you think your time is running out for having a child. May I suggest that you look beyond that? I didn't read where you guys are in love; you want to get married, etc. Probably b/c it's too early in the relationship which could be a red flag that it's too early to want his baby.
4) I'm willing to bet that this guy will fall in love someday and out of that love with want a baby and a future with the mother. And I say that because that's how I knew my hubby was the right man for me. When I fell so in love that I wanted what I said I never wanted....a child. We celebrated 10 years of marriage yesterday. We married at age 31. I had our first daughter at 33 and our second at 37. So you can still have children beyond age 31. I know that's not your plan but it's possible.
If you really feel your clock is running out of time, don't choose to settle. Make the short term sacrafice (i.e., cut this guy loose) for long term gain. You will be so much more happier!
Good luck!
Just wanted to give you my personal story, maybe it will shine some light.
When I was young, 19, I started dating a guy, 31, and told him that I did NOT want kids, did NOT want to get married. He said, COOL! After two years I changed my mind. He did not. He had been married before and had a son and the wife died in childbirth. A really horrible story, and I felt so bad for him. I thought that if I waited around long enough he would see how super fabulous I was and WANT to marry me and have kids. Unfortunately for him, he did not. I finally went to him, after 4 years and said, "are we ever going to get married and have kids?" He said no, I helped him pack up and move out that very night. It was horribly hard because I loved him and we had a great relationship, we never fought, also good sex life, things were good. But I didn't want to waste anymore time waiting for someone to change their mind when they had made it CLEAR that what I wanted was not what he wanted.
SInce then I have met that special someone who knows how super-fab I am and did want to marry me. I have two sons and one more on the way. I never would have met him if I had continued to stay with the first boyfriend.
If he has made it clear that he does not want kids and you do, then you need to break up. One of two things will happen. #1-he will realize that he made a mistake and DOES want to get married and have kids with you. #2-you will be free to find someone that has the same family goals that you do. This is not to say that you are giving him an ultimatem (sp), you say, "John, I love you very much. But I also have dreams of being a wife and mother. I know that you do not have those same dreams. As much as it hurts me, I need to leave and see if I can find someone that has the same goals in life that I do." Then do it.
Good luck, I know this is super hard.
L.
PS. Didn't read the other responses yet, but I know if you haven't yet you WILL get some people that tell you not to be having a sexual relationship with him since you are not married. While that very well may be their morals, they are obviously not yours. I would be peeved if someone felt it was their business to say something about something you haven't asked advice for. Just my 2 cents! :)
You're confused because you're not hearing what you want to hear... there's nothing actually confusing going on.
You want kids, he doesn't. End of story. You have as much a right to change his mind as he does to change yours. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want, your hopes, dreams, & desires. They just don't work together.
One of my aunts thought she'd eventually be able to wear one of my uncles down. He was a *FANTASTIC* uncle, loves kids, is phenomenal with them. But he did not want any of his own. So much so, that he had himself clipped after a "scare" years before she met him. But she STILL thought she could convince him to reverse it if they got married. So she went along with the no kids thing (which we found out was/is her ONLY dream in life -to be a SAHM-). She just couldn't believe that as wonderful, blah blah blah that he was serious. She ALSO didn't see that it was a RESPECT issue.
I mean... anyone can see that a husband demanding that his wife get pregnant when she. doesn't. want. to. is completely and totally disrespectful, demeaning, and out of line. Thank god I was born in this country where I have power & rights over my body and I'm not forced to be pregnant against my will because my husband wishes it.
But it's just as disrespectful to demand the same from a man.
My aunt and uncle, btw, were in divorce court when he was killed.
He's being honest with you honey, respect him for it, and his wishes. Something I've found out the hard way, more than once: Love isn't enough, and you can love a person and not have them be right for you.
You say you are just staring with the relationship. How long is that?
Have you ask him why he doesn't want kids? Is because he is afraid that things don't work and leave another child in a broken home or it is because he just know that he is just not into kids and he is just trying his best with his child but not want more?
If he is just afraid to bring another kid to a broken family, maybe he would change after he feels more secure in the relationship.
But if he just don't want kids because he tried and he didn't like it, then I think you should really re-considerate.
Your friend's idea is the worst, you don't trap a men with a kid, you may trap part of his wallet but not the guy, and your poor little baby will pay the consequences, the guy is saying he doesn't want him.
My advice: ask your boyfriend why he doesn't want babies, if he just need more time, take it easy, you have around 10 more years (maybe even more). Live every part of your relationship to the max, get engage, get married, enjoy your honeymoon, then have kids.
It may old fashion but it works.
He if just don't want have kids and you do then...NEXT!
EDIT: I am sorry but 6 months is probably to soon to talk about kids, he may just be scare that you ask now, he may think that you want them soon.
You said your relationship is new but didn't mention how new. If it is so new that you haven't really talked about a future (not engaged or planning or at least considering to be soon) then it is too soon for counselling for this topic but not too soon to discuss this especially the next time it comes up. Example, assuming he is a good dad, you could observe his interaction with his son and say something like "you are such a good dad I can't believe you don't want another child one day" and go from there. What he doesn't say, you should ask. But you should also be upfront that you would really want to be a mom one day. That way, you both know what the other one wants and then you know where to go from there. If you neither one are willing to consider the alternative (him not consider another child and you not willing to not try to be a mom) then you will know that now/sooner rather than later.
Good for you for not wanting to "trap him" because that really only traps you and the baby anyway.
Not sure of the details but I know how he feels. I had my son unplanned at 18 and it completely changed my life, altered my direction and all that stuff kids do. Once I refocused and got on a new tract I was not willing or able to go thru the work of changing the new path I was now on. Don't be too harsh on his choice, it's his life and if no more kids is what he wants u must respect that and if u are set on having them, I would end the relationship because it will only end badly. Y'all will argue about it, if u do get pregnant he will be angry and bitter with u and the relationship will be strained and likely end. You have tough decisions to make stay and NO kids or move on and seek a better fit!
you need to tell him what you need and that you cant budge on it. it sucks, but wasting more time on a relationship that wont give you what you want out of life sucks even harder.
Seriously? You've been with him for a mere 6 months and you are asking about kids? I'm surprised this didn't scare him away!! You're only 31, you have plenty of time (I'm a new mom at 43 - by choice). How long ago did you divorce? Is this a rebound relationship? You need a man who wants children and marriage. Do NOT get pregnant and hope for the best. For fair to the baby and, quite trashy. Good luck.
You ask "when do my needs get recognition", they will get recognized when you put yourself first. And your old enough to know that 6 months into a relationship is suppose to be wonderful.
This evening my 20 yr old dghtr & I talked about her definition of what "love" means. I was so pleased to hear her say that it's more than the excitement you get from seeing the person & wanting to be with them all the time. She said her definition is about looking into the future to see their goals, how much support you will get in your endeavors, do they have good values, etc. So maybe you should write down & think about your wants & needs from a significant other. And when a man is telling you they don't want children don't try to figure out how you can change his mind just let them know this is a deal breaker for you & get out of the relationship before you get emotionally attached. And although it may be inappropriate to tell a 31 yr old woman this but 6 months is way to early to be sleeping with a guy, if you want to be respected at least.
I certainly would talk to him about this, if he says definitely no children and you want children it is time to break off the relationship, don't hope that he will change his mind.
My heart goes out to you as I too felt time was running out when my husband and I were initially trying to get pregnant at 31, but now at 33 and expecting our first is truly amazing and I couldn't have been happier having waited to "sort" some things out first. Being an intelligent, responsible woman, the ball is in your court. Please re-evaluate your relationship with this man whom you share your heart with. Starting a family is a very wonderful, but stressful time in a woman's life, you certainly won't need the added stress of working out a rocky relationship or unstable finances. I've seen various friends whose marriages/relationships had underlying issues before children and starting a family only caused more tension, frustration and sometimes even divorce/separation unfortunately. From the sound of your message, you sound like a smart young woman with her head on straight- simply just wanting to know where the subject of children stands in the relationship, but i agree with some of the other ladies- 6 months is a pretty young relationship. Yet, if starting a family is what your heart is set on, then by all means follow it and be on the same page with your significant other about it before your relationship moves on any further and you get more involved. Best of luck to you sweetie and the beautiful children you will someday have with this man or another lucky, deserving guy in your life.
Sounds like something to talk to him about. That would be a deal breaker in most relationships if you want some. You might have to decide between him and the life he'd offer and the life you'd want.
This is exactly why God designed sex to belong inside of marriage, not outside of it. Once a woman has sex with a man she is connected to him emotionally even if he's not right for her. So you are not married to him and yet you think you belong with him. And yet you don't really want to give up having a child for him. Having a child is HUGE. Most people would never be happy without a child of their own and they wouldn't give that up for another person unless they never really wanted kids in the first place.
He's not likely to change his mind. But whether or not he might, I can tell you right now that he's not worth loving and being married to. I feel very strongly about this. A decent man or woman does not ask another person to give up having a child just because they themselves already are a parent. In fact, most decent parents will usually want another child beause they just love their first child so much that they want that again. Even if two married people make the CHOICE not to have another child, it's because they BOTH have a child together and they have many reasons to just stick with the one. I might not be explaining this well.
If this guy really loved his own child he would NEVER be capable of denying that experience to another person. So that means he really isn't happy about being a parent. Do you want to be in love with a man that doesn't really love his own child and never wanted a child in the first place? He sounds like many BAD men out there today. My grandson's father whines and complaines about my grandson ruining his life. He wants nothing to do with him and that's just too sad. If he didn't want a child he should have kept it in his pants!
I may be a little harsh here. But this is the way I feel about it. LONG before a person is emotionally invested in another person there are certain things that should be found out. Couples need to be on the same page when it comes to religion, kids, and things like if the woman will work after becoming a parent. Those things are way too important to just figure it out later!
You need to decide right now before any more time passes. Do you love your potential future child more or do you love this man more? Are you willing to give up children for the man?
Have you told him this? What was his response to you wanting a baby, mostly his? Have you told him how great of a dad he is to his son? Are you wanting a child so bad that you will find a man that does? Honestly you have to tell him now if you want a child that bad.
He does need to consider your wants if this is going to be a long term relationship. Perhaps a compromise? But if you guys don't want the same things in life, it should end.
