Am I Being Unreasonable?

Hi D. Q.,

It looks as if you have a lot of varied opinions... I read some, but I have to say that the two I agree with are Julia G.& Joy A. This is a two person decision and it should never be taken lightly.

Best Wishes!

It sounds like he is just scared and fear does odd things to us. Plus, men want their wives. I to had/have probs being the best wife I can when trying to be the best MOM... but it will all work itself out.
I'm sorry ya'll are stressin. I hope you get really great advice. I say, have the baby. No way will he NOT love or accept it. It will be fine, IMHO

D., I am 71 years old, when young had only one child and I have a friend who is an only child whose mother just passed away yesterday. Her father died in 1987. Her mother was a demanding person and she was a spoiled child and they had battles daily (both had the "I") syndrome). She is 64 years old now, never been married and of course never had children. She is totally alone now and no one lives here in this area, she barely knows her cousins and only has two favorites but distance keeps them apart much of the time-she barely knows her cousins' children and I am afraid she will die alone and probably buried by a cousin or a cousin's eldest child. Have your baby, now while age difference is small so that they can be close all their lives, keep in touch and care for each other when you and your husband has grown old and passes on. Make every effort to keep them close, celebrate holidays religiously to keep them together so that they will not be totally alone when you and your husband passes on. We had 42 relatives over at our house for Christmas, My sister and I live together and we keep the family together with birthdays, holidays, etc. I hope this helps you make up your minds about the second child quickly.

My husband is a wonderful understanding guy. He stays home with our 14-month-old son, and he's the best daddy I could ever want for my child. However, when we talk about having another, he says just what your husband does. He just can't get excited by the prospect of pregnancy, new baby, etc.

I think it's just really different for men. They have to watch us suffer with morning sickness and then the pain of labor. They see us exhausted from taking care of a newborn. They hear all of our complaints about being lonely and bored when at home and missing our babies when away.

The things they don't see are the wonder of being pregnant. The closeness you feel to the little one moving inside you. The amazing power of giving birth and how strong that makes you feel. They don't know that the the days you complain are hard ones, but that they are surrounded by such amazing moments with your baby that it's all worth it.

I don't know that there's much you can do other than trust that your husband will get into the pregnancy when it happens and that he will love the baby when it comes. If you're really worried about it then maybe you could have a conversation about when he would want another one and see if you can stand to wait that long.

Good luck! This is a tricky issue!

D.,
You are being reasonable, but so is your husband. He has expressed his feelings the best he knows how. It sounds like he loves you a lot.
I would not ignore either of your feelings though. If you go ahead, you will be walking on eggshells and with every disagreement your marriage has you will feel like it is your fault. He has already voiced that he feels isolated when there is a baby and is afraid with 2 children he will disappear from your attention.
In my opinion, mariatial counseling would be a great idea for both of you to be able to come together and work through your feelings, fears, and come to some agreements, plans, comprimises. That way nobody is left out or left holding the guilt bag and your marriage will be stronger and you will gain some help with the children as he becomes involved, not just a sideline observer.

Just my opinion.

Hi Danielle,
Your question, am I being unreasonable, doesn't matter and isn't the true issue to be considered. For hubby to say go ahead and have another because I'm holding up my end of the bargain sets up concerns. Having a child demands that both parents be enthusiastic, ready and more than willing to do whatever it takes to welcome that child into this world and merge it into the family unit. Families with little money and several children who are cherished flourish. It's not about the money. I know as I'm one of 5 children raised on a very tight income with two parents present. I'm approaching sixty and I've seen so many women end up single with several children due to a split with the "boyfriend" or the husband. Don't have a child because you want one... have another child because it is desired by you as a couple. Change your thinking... it is not about you, it is about the children. Unless your partner is encouraging and talks about wanting more children without your prompting or bringing up the bargain made, don't bring another child into this family. Trust that if it's not solid between both of you now for a larger family, it will never be. Be joyous that you have a healthy, robust child to love and grow into a wonderful adult. Your husband has all but told you no. He told you he lost his wife with baby one... don't let baby two cost you to lose your hubby and your child's father due to resentment. Don't live in the past of wishes and wants. Live in the present with your child and hubby and nourish this family of three as it will only get sweeter if that tension is removed from your lives.

Bev

Oh, honey! I know exactly how you feel but it was a little different for us. I am 36 and my husband is 48. We already had two great boys, now 6 & 7, but I wanted another one. It was hard to have such a desire for another baby with my husband so dead-set against it. I ended up pregnant by accident anyway and the first 5-6 months of the pregnancy my husband wouldn't even talk to me about it. I felt guilty for being happy about the baby. We had the most perfect little blond-haired, blue-eyed baby boy almost a year ago. He is a joyful baby, much easier than the first two boys. My husband is better with this child than he ever was with the first two. Our baby was also born 9 days after my husband's mom died of a stroke, such a shock. The baby sure did help us through that. I know these circumstances may be different than yours will be. I just want you to think about talking with your husband about whether he really ever wants another baby. If he doesn't, you may want to really think about it. I wouldn't want those first 5-6 months of my pregnancy back for anything in the world.

D.,
this is just my opinion and its hard to say so hear me out! I know the pain of wanting a baby..we tried to get pregnant for almost 4 years...its a tough thing to go through. My situation isn't exactly like yours in that your husband isn't exactly "on your side". My suggestion is to wait on the baby; you don't want to have another baby in the house and have your husband resent you. It's hard b/c the urge is so strong in you, i can tell! Pray for him; that he would get on the same "page" as you. Marraige comes first, then your kids. Marraige is tough enough on its own, adding another child in the mix when he isn't ready will only make your marraige harder.
good luck to you!
S.

You are not being unreasonable. You should try to have that baby...just stop talking about it.

It sounds like you guys are having problems communicating, I don't think that the baby is the real issue and if he says "I am just doing this to pacify you." Then he is likely just trying to get you to talk to him even if it is by saying things he knows will set you off.

NOTE: As the mother of three, do take a minute to remember the challenges a baby brings to the home...up all night, dirty diapers, morning sickness...how is all of that going to affect your new job? Are you planning on quitting when the baby comes or putting your newborn in daycare?

Now back to your husband, he may be like mine and get cranky because he doesn't get sex. Then we fight about the most ridiculous things. Once he told me he didn't like me performing in local theater because all movie stars cheat on their spouses and marry each other. That was a load of hooey! After we had a knock-down-drag-out (not literally), made up and had sex, he told me he didn't really mean that, he was just thinking I didn't love him.

I am always too tired and never in the mood, but I just realized recently that when I am not intimate with him, he thinks I don't love him. Also, don't always make sex about procreation (which it definitely is!) but most men get hangups and feel pressure about it. Valentine's day is a great day to start...buy something sexy and take some time to remember what it is about your husband that you love or think is sexy.

I know this sounds simple, but get a babysitter and try to have a date-night with your husband once a week. Sit and listen to him talk about his job, sports, whatever but just listen, think and ask him questions about what he is talking about. As women we usually never shut up and actually listen to men (most of the time because we could care less about what they are saying). Anyway, it doesn't have to be an expensive ordeal, just sit in Taco Bell and talk or go to a movie and discuss it when you get home, go bowling or picnic by a lake. Spending time with friends is great, but they won't get up and feed the baby or change it's diapers...you need to work on your relationship with your husband, you will have him forever!

Dear Danielle,

The decision whether or not to have a baby rests with each couples ability to handle the responsibility that comes with having a child. Take a look at your life and analyze it. Generally, when we question something, it's because we have already made up our mind and we just want someone else to support our decision.
Having a child is a very personal decision. It is your body. Your husband did make a promise to have another when finances improved. But, this should not be the only reason to have a child.
Will you have time for another? How focused are you on your career? This is why I said analyze your life and your goals.
Having children is a blessing, as you already know. I give you gigantic kudos for waiting between children (I have 4 children spaced 5 years apart and the last, #5 is 17 months from child #4).
My advice to you is to sincerely ponder upon this life changing event. If you are religious, pray for guidance. But as I already stated, this is your decision to make along with your husband. Do what is right for you and your family.

Sincerely,

P. Sims

you are not being unreasonable. it just sounds like you all are having a hard time working this out together. ug! so.... do this- see a marriage counselor. there are really good people out there who are trained to help partners communicate. please do it!! because it doesn't matter how many girlfriends you gt advice from, or how many guys he talks to (or not, because it seems like guys never talk about this stuff with each other!)the problem is that the two of you don't see eye to eye. and if you are going to hvae a family, you must be able to talk about this, and all of the other curve-balls life throws at you. do it, it will help!

Keep in mind he is a man, and most men view babies totally different than us women. Yes, there are some men out there that just go all googly eyed over babies, but the rest of them just don't know what to do with them. If he is giving you a green light, and you want another one....GO FOR IT!!!

Good luck & God bless,
J.

Trust me you both need to be on the same page on this. Plus with you starting a new job, you need to concentrate on learning the requirements of it before adding to your family. Give yourself and your new employer at least a 6 - 12 month adjustment period. While I understand not wanting a large age gap between your little ones, sometimes life has other plans for you. You and your spouse need to work on your marriage first before thinking about adding a second bundle of joy.

So my advice is to take a deep breath, exhale slowly, step back for a few minutes and think. There should be no sacrificing, bargaining, pushing, ultimatums, or emotional blackmail involved - just love.

You are not being unreasonable. What you ar feeling is normal women stuff. You are, however, not listening to your what your husband is saying. he is giving you all green lights. I read in three statements that he WILL be happy and WILL love you. He said that everything is in place, money etc., so he IS on your team on this.

Men don't typically "jump for joy". But he will jump for joy when ya'll are trying for that baby! :)

You'll do fine. Go for it but only if you are having a BURNING desire for another child. :) If you are unsure (not because of your husband) but if you personally are unsure, then don't do it just yet.

D.,
Please work on the "wife" part. You must be a wife first and a mom second, or you could loose him. That happened to my mother-in-law. She was a mom first. Pray about this and ask God to show you what to do. Wait for Him to direct you.
God bless!

D.,
Have you heard of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? read it!!
MEN think logically, it's a given!! WOMEN think emotionally. In his way he is saying "lets do this". Some men do not bond with their own kid until it's past the spitting up, bottles and diaper stages. How was he with your son at birth and now?
Has he ever been a warm fuzzy feely guy? If not then this is probably the best your going to get. Take him at his word, he says OK. He is not going to get excited because he is thinking logically. DO NOT try to figure him out, you won't be able to.
Happy baby making!!

You two are still so young! Having two is a big change. Make sure you focus on your marriage first. If he isn't 100% wanting a second right now you will only regret it later if you do decide to have one now. It is a lot of work and he has to be willing to help too. My advice would be to wait until you are both ready.

D., sounds like a little counseling might be in order. If he won't go, then you should go alone. Having a child is a decision you should both be comfortable with because it isn't just about you - there will be others that suffer if you two make the wrong decision or can't be grown-ups about it. Yes, having babies is messy and you lose sleep and your lives change and things will never be the same - but if you cannot agree that things are better, I would hold off until you are certain that he is genuinely ready and not just giving in. You are too young to even grasp just how much time you have. I am 51 - my first child was born when I was 21 - my second child was born 23 years later, after the first one was married. Different husbands, but still - even that fact should make you aware that things change, people change, and times change. You aren't too old until your body says you are and you need to be truly committed to each other before you start talking about more babies. One step at a time. You have lots of time.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting another one now AND I don't think HE is being unreasonable by how he feels. It is very, very, very, very important for you to make sure you are a wife to your husband at the same time as being a mother. If you don't "wife" your husband, you could easily end up only being a mother and not having a husband...it's something I've seen others go through. The husband leaves saying that his x-wife was a great mother but not a good wife. I think it's a tough balancing act for all of us.

I think it is SO easy for us as women to focus so much on our children (especially our first) that we neglect our duties as a wife. It's important for your husband to still feel important and loved and like he belongs. If you look at it almost from any angle, it makes total sense why he's not very excited about another baby. To him it means that he is being replaced again. I know I wouldn't like it if each time we had a baby, my husband grew further and further apart from me and only focused on our children. So, we should try really hard to not do that as wives.

Anyway, so back to your question, I do not at all think you are being unreasonable in wanting another baby now. I also do not think he is being unreasonable in how he feels. It's in YOUR hands to fix the problem. I know it can be very hard to figure out how to balance it all. I imagine it's a problem many of us have had and have to keep focused on to keep things balanced. I know with my first I really really focused a lot on our baby and my husband felt similarly to yours. It did cause some problems and I do feel for your situation and understand the feelings you are dealing with. With our second, I was able to balance it out more. It's hard to figure it all out!

I try to do little things that i know make my husband feel loved - he feels loved when I take the time to cook a meal for him (doesn't always work! especially not right after having a baby). There's other little things that I try to do to help him feel like he's still important to me. Think about those things between the two of you and make a promise to yourself to do them for your husband. Make it a HUGE priority to do it. Make sure to walk the walk and I'll bet he'll be just fine with baby #2's arrive if he doesn't feel replaced.

Anyway, there's my rambling advice! Good luck:-) I hope that all came across as kindly as I meant it. Please know that I am in NO way saying you are a bad wife or anything like that. I feel like I've been in your shoes and can understand how confusing and difficult it is to figure it all out. You are wanting to be a great mother, and that is very easy to see! So, if by chance anything I said hit you wrong, please know I didn't mean it that way! I think you both can be happy with the situation:-)

I just read what the momma before me said about being intimate with your husband, and I thought I'd add a little bit. Men overall feel very loved when their wives are intimate with them. After having a baby and feel exhausted...odds are, you won't be in the mood. But this is a VERY easy thing to do to help your husband feel loved. It doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be in the mood or anything like that, just look at it from a different view - that he is very important to you and you want him to know how much you love him. For me that makes it really easy even if I'm not in the mood, and it keeps my hubby feeling like a very loved man and happy with things - and I've noticed he's very helpful and involved with things. I figured this out after baby #2, not after baby #1 and there is a huge difference! Anyway, so that is another suggestion - don't worry if you're in the mood or not, just think how awesome you think your husband is and how much you want him to know that you love him...and it makes it a pretty simple thing to do even when your not in the mood.

First of all he should never have to reassure you that he'll love the baby "once it gets here". Secondly,if he isn't jumping for joy now, then honey, he never will be. Third, it should not be a sacriface for EITHER one of you!!!!! You are young, wait. Enjoy your four year old and your new carreer!!! Don't make HUGE decisions when you both feel so differently and you are confused. Enjoy what you do have!!!

Men are built to be logical, don't fault him for it, take comfort in knowing he has considered all the factors and said yes. Men never enjoy pregnancy, they are outside of the circle and don't feel the joy and connection you do. They often just see a tired cranky wife. Have the baby and make a huge effort to be as pleasant and joyful in the process. Be an attentive wife and know that he will come to love and enjoy the baby after it arrives.

The best gift you can give your children(current and future) is a happy home, with a mommy and daddy who love each other. If you put your husband second to your child everyone loses. If your husband is primary everyone wins. Of course, babies have needs that are often immediate, but I sensed from your post that your a smart enough women to know the difference.

I say don't try just let it happen, if it's God will he'll give u another, beside's u both know what to expect now. And u still have plenty of time by the time u turn 30. I was 25 when i had my first son, and 28 when i had my daughter. Now my son will be graduating this year, and thank God for letting me keep his all these years, his year is here to finish high school, I still have a daughter and she has 3yrs to go. Sure u have the money to afford a child, but remember this, it's not a merchandise ur buying it's a life, one that both u and ur husband r making. Let him be apart of this one if he wasn't before since u mentioned he didn't have a wife let him get involve, my x-did second time around. So u want to be a mom again b-4 u turn 30 u still have plenty of time for ur husband, for ur first child, and to save. I have a brother in law who is a lonely child he doesn't regret not have a sebling, not everyone is blessed, u see my sister his wife is 45 and was never able to have a child, and they did everything money can buy, it's all in God's hand I had a miscarrage at 42, it just wasn't ment to be, and excepted that. Now I enjoy just telling my children u know how to cook, taught them how, or I leave them something before I leave, and just ride my motorcycle.
So communicate his not ready, and neither r u. Give urself's time, besides there's more time, than life. Be patient he'll hear u, and he'll know when it will be yours remember we don't belong to anyone when it's his calling, at whatever age, time, and place, he'll take us.
So share what u have now, and enjoy it like it will be ur last never go to bed angry, and always say I love u, those are our last words everyday to eachother, because if it's our time we know what our last words were.
My God keep u and ur's safe
P.S: spend as much time with ur first child, so he/she doesn't feel left out when the new born arrives.
Sincerely,
V.

All I can say is WOW! What a difference of opinion! On the mothers perspective I say your husband is the selfish one. Complaining that he didn't get any of your time after the baby was born. Wow! I can't believe that was something that would come out of a grown man's mouth. And my husband seconds that! Part of starting a family is sharing the wife/mommy. And sometimes the Mommy side takes over, and sometimes the wife side. You instictively know what side you should be on.

And as for having kids. If you wait till you are financially perfect, well then, it's never going to happen. But you two seriously need to be on the same page with this. You don't want him to resent the baby...even though something so perfect as a gift from God seems,to me, hard to resent.

Our children only have us for 18 years, our husbands have us forever. I think your husband could be willing to share you a bit longer, then he'll have you for the rest of your lives together.

I would not have another child if my husband was not fully on board with it. I think it will make for a big mistake. Your husband is being a big baby, but if that is what you want, and you don't want to have a single parent home for your four year old, suck it up and enjoy what you have. If you were going to try for another, it's nearly too late anyways. By the time you got pregnant and had it, your other child would be, maybe 6, and that is too big a gap for them to really be close.

I am a mother of 5 children children. We basically have two "families" with a 17 and 16 year old, then a 6, 4, and 2 year old (all with the same husband!). It has been incredible to have a large family - yes, difficult at times but mostly tons of fun. I have seen tremendous growth in both my husband and I as we've adjusted to the demands of more children - more patience, generosity, and unity. First, I think a sibling is one of the best gifts you can give your children. It develops all those desirable qualities in them as well, but also gives them a companion for life. Second, I don't think you should worry about what society tells you is the "ideal time" to have children. No time will seem ideal for any number of reasons. That said, I do think having your husband on board is very important. Your relationship is the foundation of your family and being unified is paramount if you desire a peaceful home environment. When we returned from living overseas for a few years (with just our older two) and decided to have more children, everyone said we were crazy. But it has been amazing for our older children. They really love their younger siblings (not always) and I think it has helped them in so many ways, not the least of which is to understand the amount of work and commitment that are needed to have children. I don't think they would enter into a relationship with someone or take the gift of their sexuality lightly. Hope this helps.

I think you are being too "now or nothing." You and your husband are VERY young. You look on a family even younger. Give yourself and your husband a break. Enjoy what you have, build some financial surplus, learn your new job ...

Have that second baby in a few years - you will still be younger that most mothers I know.

My ex-husband thought about everything in life in terms of "what's in it for me?". He never really wanted to have children, but as our first was unexpected, he went along with it, with the constant undercurrent of "YOUR son needs his diaper changed", or "Can't you make THAT KID stop crying?" Our son is now 14 years old, and I can count up the times he's had an actual dad available to him on one hand--and have fingers left over!
I also have a friend whose husband never wanted children. She did, and so he reluctantly agreed. HER three children are all grown now, with the oldest daughter expecting the first grandchild next week. In all the years since their children were born, my friend's husband has never been there for them. Yes, he paid the bills and kept a roof over their heads, but he was never emotionally available. Everyone in the family is excited over the imminent arrival of the new baby, and my friend's husband just wants to know why she wants to put up a bassinet in "his" den.
I thought this was a pretty normal way to be, until I met the man I am about to marry. He not only loves my children (over the last several years I've adopted three children in addition to my two biological sons) and his own son, but he enjoys spending time with them, individually and all of us together as a family. He knows that being a mom is part of who I am, and doesn't expect me to ignore that part in order to meet his needs. Our first date included every one of our six children, and that's pretty much the way we continue to do things. (of course date night is necessary, and I've told him our honeymoon must NOT include potty chairs!)
Obviously, not everyone feels the same way about having children. What looks like good parenting to one person might look like smothering to another. What looks like the normal bumps and bruises of life to one person might seem like terrible ordeals to her husband. You and your husband are very young, and I agree with you that it's important to be on the same page before creating another living, breathing, needing, human being together. Don't worry about the age gap between your children. I'm pretty sure your son would rather have a pair of relaxed and fully present parents to go with his baby sister or brother, no matter how old he is when that happens.

Good luck with your decision,

d2

It is not unreasonable to want a second child or feel that you and your husband should be on the same page about things. I am a mother of two boys and we planned for our boys to be born close together, about one year and seven months apart in age. The hardest part of being a first time mom is finding time to be the wife you were before hand while being the mother you want to be. By now there should be some sense of balance between the two and managing another child should come with some ease of knowing that you are a capable mother and wife. If your husband is not 100% yet then wait a month and discuss it more. Pregnancy is hard enough without the fear that he is resenting the little life that is growing. Both of you should feel ready and happy about a new baby and sometimes our men just take a little more time to come around to the idea. I hope you two can find a middle ground and that your family is blessed with another child. Best of luck.

I don't feel that your feelings or your husband's are unreasonable, but that they are what they are. You feel the way you feel and he feels the way he feels. Both of your feelings are valid and should be respected. Now to the baby issue. You said that you know that you haven't given your husband the attention he needs since having children. That's not fair to him. Afterall, you were a couple before you became parents and you will be a couple again when the children are grown and out of the house. It's so important to foster the couple relationship or risk becoming that couple that have nothing left in common when you are empty nesters. I'll bet that once your husband no longer feels in second, third or fourth place on the list of importance, he will come over to the light so to speak and support your desire for another baby.

FWIW, I went through some of the same stuff - ignoring my husband after the birth of our oldest. That was one of his major complaints when we started discussing having another. I can honestly say, though, that I recognized my ill-treatment of him so I was much more sensitive to that with baby #2. I didn't want history to repeat itself so I made a special effort to balance baby and husband the second time around.

For all of us, it was the best possible experience. My husband was much happier so he went out of his way to be a good father and husband which made me happier so I was a better wife and mother which made him... you get the point.

I don't know if this holds true for others, but that's how it went for us and #2. Live and learn, you know?

No offense but it sounds like either way your husband can do no right by you. He's agreed to have another baby and now you don't like his reasoning. It sounds like you need to make up your mind and lay off him. Your never goinog to know if you don't try. Goodluck and try to give him a little bit of a break. After all, men are still like little boys themselves, regardless of what age they are.

My husband and I are in the opposite position. He wants to try for number 3, and I have fears that I am not ready and won't be able to handle a third (I am a working mom of a 4 1/2 yo boy and a 9 mos. girl). I think it would be a mistake to go ahead and have another one if he is not ready. It is possible that he is feeling a little overwhelmed by his responsibilities and doesn't want to admit it. It sounds like you do have plenty of time at only 24--even if you want to have two kids before you are 30. If you don't agree it will probably always come back to haunt you. Maybe it will change over time, or maybe you should seek counseling to sort out the issues. I love being a mother, but without the support of your husband a second child can be extremely difficult. Good luck with what you decide.

wow that is a tough situation. As much as I would love to give my opinion, it doesnt matter what we think. The last few question you should ask your husband. Communication trully talking through it is going to be your best solution. Try date nights without your child strengthen your relationship so he is not feeling so insecure. It is a lot of work in the infant stage but once you get through it gets easier. I do know that my husband his happy when I am happy so remember we cant change or controll anyone but ourselves if you try he really will resent you. If this is trully what you want you will find peace in your heart. Good luck!!

The part that stuck out to me in your write-up is that your husband "looses his wife". I bet if that was not the case he would be more open to it. Your going to have to be his "love slave" during the making baby process but also do things for him during the pregnancy and after the baby comes. A lot of woman become moms and forget about the husband (as you said you did). He may be thinking that he just got his wife back and now he is going to loose her again. I bet if it seemed "worth his wild" he would be a lot more open to the idea. Be a wife first and a mom second - I know that sounds bad, but it is not. One day the kids will leave (the husband should stay) and you want to have something in common with the man. You may want to set up a date night (babysitter for your kiddo at someone else's house) and have a nice "romantic" evening (i.e: candles, handcuffs...whatever your turn ons are). Show him he will not loose his wife and I think he will be happy and you can get baby #2. Good luck!

A lot of men are jealous of their own children, or at least jealous of the time their wives spend on their children. It sounds like your husband feels like he's making a huge sacrifice in "allowing" you to have another child. Sounds like he needs some reassurance that he's loved and important to you. Going back to work is going to take MORE time away from him because you'll be gone all day and still have all the responsibilities of wife and mother. I know what I'm talking about because I dealt with these same issues - my husband wanted children but he resented the time it took away from him. It's just important to make sure he knows you love him. Get a sitter and have a weekly date night with him. Spend time with him after you put your son to bed. I hope this all works out for you. :)

First, listen to your husband. The communication between you is so important. You are both so young. Having another baby is the easy part...balancing wife, mother and mommie-to-be is tricky, especially if your mate is reluctant. We were blessed with four children, 10 years difference in the first to the last, with 13 months difference with the two in the middle. Give respect to your husband for another year. Enjoy the family God has given you and He will make room in your hearts/home to prepare you for a second child. In time, it is possible that your finances will improve, along with the anticipation of having a second child. God bless!

I can sympathize with that.

My husbad was less than ecstatic at the news of the second pregnancy. We'd planned number two, and we always knew we wanted two. And I did the math and figured out when we were safe to start trying (I wanted them spaced between 2.5 and 3 years apart), and we only got one try! We were pregnant and had number 2 on the way for an exact 2.5 year split. He was painting (walls- indoors) when he asked the result of the test. I was afraid to answer, but he knew anyway. He just kept painting these long even strokes of this beautiful sage green I'd picked out and didn't say a word for a moment or two- long moments!

We had a long conversation that day about it. I could tell he was less than thrilled, even I felt a little nervous about it. With the second you know what you've got to look forward to. It's harder than the first, looking into it from your and your husband's perspective (and from mine 5 years ago).

Ok now you know I've been there. Ready for the good news?

It's actually easier- all of it. Honestly and truly the whole experience is lighter and more easily managed the second go-around.

And my husband's relationship with my second-born is easier and closer than with the first. I can't really explain it but it's true.

A friend of mine told me once (during her third pregnancy) that to her it seemed like the first child is born to the mom of the mom, the second child is born to the father, and the third child is all for the mom. That makes sense to me, and it almost made want a third. We're not going there, but it applies here because the second child gets much more room to be parented by Dad. Mom and Grandma are always so wrapped up with the first the number two (and the whole family) must rely more heavily on the father. It's really cool like that.

Trust me that baby will be his from the moment he/she gets here. It'll be good. And you're doing a great service to your first child... but that's a whole other post.

Best of luck!
J.

Danielle,
It sounds like you need to both either get some marriage counseling to enrich your marriage or look into going to a marriage support group that will enrich your marriage. There is a course called Dynamic Marriage that is excellent for couples. www.familydynamics.org is the web site where you can find out about classes being held near you. (This is a faith based course.)
When children enter the family it is always challenging on a marriage, but you don't have to settle for mediocrity in your marriage just because the children have come along. You were a wife first and really need to work on building up your relationship with your hubby!
Another great course for parenting is Growing Kids God's Way, which helps parents with both parenting and marriage. You can find out about classes in the area by going to www.kingdomparenting.org. My husband and I are beginning a class this Sunday, Feb. 2/10 in South Grand Prairie.

On a positive note, statistically, having children in the home gets easier once they begin to go to school and marriage satisfaction goes up.

Bev O.

No...I don't think you are...my kids are four years apart and that seems to be a good age spread.

How did your husband act when the first baby came along? Excited to meet him? Joyful? How is he with your son now?
Good Dad? Loving & caring?

Don't take this the wrong way...but he seems to be a little selfish in this one particular area...all men lose their wives for awhile when a new baby arrives...it happens to everyone, not just him...it takes patience and maturity to work through it. Does he understand how guilty it makes you feel when he says things like 'he will make the sacrifice, because you really want one'? What about all the things that you sacrifice? Does he really only want one child? When my husband and I were at the point where we were deciding about when, or if, we wanted baby #2...we thought about all the work involved and starting all over again...but then we thought about how our family would feel complete and our daughter would have a sibling to grow up with...we decided to do nothing, no birth control and if we have another baby...great! If not, then we already have the most perfect daughter. I will say now...nine years later...I have absolutely NO REGRETS about having my son...and I know now that I would have regretted not having that second baby when I had the chance!
All the work and hardship goes away...eventually...and you're left with two beautiful children!

I wish you the best...I know this is a tough time...I hope I helped a little.

S. :)

okay the main thing about this is that men have a need to feel needed. You need to give him a job with the child you have now and with the new baby. Men think we have it all handled and they don't know where they fit it. You need to give him responsibilities such as bathing, feeding and putting to bed. A lot of time this makes a huge difference because then your husband will feel like he is a part of what is going on. However be careful having a baby if he is not 100% supportive. It could drive you further apart.

I believe he will resent you. He already feels threatened that you are not completely there for him. He will probably love the child but not like a parent that is excited about them being there. It will be a strained relationship. You shouldn't have children with the hopes that things will change. Men don't change and you shouldn't try to make them. You only walk away sad and angry and resentful yourself. It is in the best interest of the child to be, your marriage and your 4yr old.

Honestly - sounds rocky. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. If he resents number 1 and how busy you are now - you could be up for a big marital showdown if you are not careful.

My husband is pretty much the same about how rough the first years are... always talks about the day they will graduate.

It is normal for couples to go through periods of adjustment, I can remember days when I just wanted to call a lawyer and get it over with. However, we have worked through those moments and we are happly married with a 10 and 7 year old.

I don't know you and the strength of your relationship - however, I would watch out if he is saying things like this right now. "making a sacrifice for you?"

Wow.

Men are the 'bread winners' for the family, this is the way God designed them to be...It is naturally for him to look at the financial side of things, as their is not a new baby to fall in love with. You are inheritly the nurturer of your babies, so your focus is naturally different. I would as him if he wants a baby, other than holding up his side of the bargain. Let it be known what you are wondering about him feeling resentful after the baby is born. Take him at his word, keeping in mind his character strengths and weaknesses. If he is sincerely not ready for another baby, then I would consider waiting until the time is right for him as well, as he will need to share his life with the child as well. Take Care,
~K.

Dear D.,
I find that reducing decisions to their most basic form is often helpful because people tend to try to justify what they can't explain or understand. Either your husband does or does not want another child now. Your husband does not seem excited about another baby now. Period. I think women should have the whole-hearted support of their husbands before getting pregnant. In the best of worlds, the husband would be the one to beg the wife to please give him another child. The difference between having one child and having two is enormous in many, many ways, often unexpected. You need the eager support of your husband for another child.

Hi D.,

As a wife, mother and Parent Coach, I would offer that this is a big decision and it sounds like more discussion with your husband is in order. If the two of you can't get to the point that he is a bit more "on board" before trying to become pregnant, you might be facing resentment from him in later years. If open communication on this subject is difficult, you might consider getting someone to guide you through more discussion.

When I work with clients, I emphasize the importance of a couple becoming a strong team in rasing their children and in other major life decisions. Part of what helps you become stronger as a couple is the willingness to discuss your views openly and listen and try to understand your partner's view. Hopefully with a bit of "give and take" you can reach a decision that you both can support.

I know you may feel the urge to start trying tomorrow, but know that spacing and timing of pregancies is not a big issue at your young age. Many folks have kids 10 or more years apart and are 35 and older when the child is born. Whether you have children close together or far apart, whether you are a young parent or an older parent, there are many benefits and some detriments to each situation.

Children are a beautiful blessing no matter when they come. There is no "right or wrong" parental age or spacing between children. No matter what you decide, you and your husband will adjust to what you end up with as long as you both go into the pregnancy willing and ready for another child.

If you have questions about my post, you are welcome to email me.

Good luck,

J. B.
Parent Coach

My suggestion would be to make sure that you are prepared to raise these children on your own as a single parent should he decide to "run away" if he becomes too unhappy. I would hope that he would not do that, but sometimes people will do just about anything when they are unhappy,I would know, I can not even tell you how desperate my ex husband and I got before we split up! make sure you want this baby "even" more than you want your marriage, because he is trying to give you every possible clue that it's going to make him very unhappy. I wish you all the best!

From my experience (which isn't much, but just from observing father, husband and brothers/brothers-in-law), all men have difficulty with big life changes, especially those that cost a lot of money, and let's face it, babies cost a lot of money. My husband became an emotional nightmare when we got married (it cleared up almost immediately when we were actually married), when we had our first child (who he loves to death and takes on bike rides all the time with him, and interacts in other ways with him), when we were in the process of buying a house and the entire time I was pregnant with our 7 month old child. My husband is practically the sole provider for our family, so that is part of what stresses him out. He didn't seem to keen on having/planning our second (our first was a suprise) but she has her daddy wrapped around her little finger.

So, if I were you (based on others responses) is I'd figure out what it is for sure that's bothering your husband - does he really not like kids, or is it simply the financial stress that's worrying him. With our first, we were both still in school, but it worked out, and we graduated (amazingly enough) with less that $2000 in debt, and with our 2nd, we were financially capable, but it was still stressful to him. If he's like my husband, I'd say, there's never going to be a good time for him to feel comfortable with it, so if he's willing, go for it, and he'll be perfectly happy when the baby is here. As far as him not having a wife for a while - you need to just plan on how you will work through that. THe first month will be hard, but perhaps after the first month, you can plan lunch or dinner dates on a regular basis and get a sitter for about an hour or so. Even if it's just a home packed picnic at a nearby park. (Of course, if your baby bottle feeds, it will be a lot easier to get away for a little longer) but if you plan one night a week where you have 1+ hours of couple time, and then DO it, that will help with the not having a wife part.

Good luck with making your decision, whatever it is.

No, I don't thing you're being unreasonable. Men are weird about stuff like that. It's like some women just don't feel like they're full women until they have at least one child of their own. Men on the other hand sometimes are against another baby until it's a son, and that changes the whole complexion. Other than that--you have the men who want sons but when a little girl is born they become putty.

I would recommend that you check into adoption, there are millions of babies, children out there who need homes and love. That would eleminate the morning sickness and the other difficulties you encountered in your pregnancy. The other reason I would recommend this is that you're starting a new job---in this day and age it's not wise to take a new job then get pregnant. Bosses and employers are just not loyal like they were years ago.

D.,

I'm not sure I have the answers you're looking for - but can relate to some extent. My husband and I have gone back and forth around the same issue. His joke is that I can have my 2nd child with my 2nd husband.

Although my husband and I are in a slightly different situation, I have found it helpful to talk with him on a deeper level (off-hand comments, jokes, and flippant remarks aside). I have found that my husband will talk more about what he loves about having a daughter (she's 3 now) and his real fears and insecurities about having another baby.

Like your husband, mine would oblige if I pushed the issue - but I choose to respect him when he says bottom line - he's not ready for another, since we're both important parties / parents here. Whatever it is that my husband struggles with re: not wanting another baby - I can't make him change it - we can only keep working through it together until he's ready to change his mind. I don't really care so much if he's resentful of me for deciding to have another child - but I don't want to get to the point where I hold it against him for the choices he's making.

It's important to reconnect with your husband. I agree with the other mothers about getting a babysitter for date nights or meeting for lunches. I myself am have issues of feeling distant from my husband. You have to make time for yourselves, just like you make time to go grocery shopping or getting a haircut. Time away from the kids is IMPORTANT and will allow you both to refresh old memories of the reasons why you fell in love, why you two are together. It's easy to fall into the mother role and be totally about baby. We get our emotional fill with touching, hugging, and kissing our babies. That leaves dad out in the cold. Before baby you did all that with him. Dad will warm up to baby when you two warm up to each other again. And who knows, bonding time means romance which leads to increased intimacy and that can lead to your goal of a new baby. You have to put in effort and nurture your relationship with your baby AND husband. They'll both return the favor.

hmmmmm. this one's a tough one. part of me wants to say that he is being selfish but then again.....maybe he wants to have a little time to grow with you before "losing" you again. Being so young, you guys are no where near really knowing each other. You guys are married and need it to be BOTH of your decisions. You do have to take his feeling into consideration. It's not just you that is pregnant-it's part of him too and he does have a say. A good foundation in your marriage is the best gift you can give your children. A happy home is awesome-I hope this has helped you. I hae been married for a while and I am just speaking from experience. You just have to look at both sides of the situation & hopefully in doing this he will maybe come around to your way of thinking a little sooner.

I'll cut to the chase. Your husband is immature and selfish. But also, HE is your husband. My husband was the same way at this age, and I wanted to strangle him. We had a third child, which I thought we'd agreed on, and then he told me that he loved our son, but wished we'd never had him. That was hard to hear. But do you want to know something? That son is 17 years old now, and his dad says that he is his favorite. This changes from one day to the next, but he definitely grew as a man and a husband because of our children. Stick in there and remind your husband that having two children means than your first will have someone to play with. That means that, even though the child will temporarily take your attention, that eventually it will free you up from having to be your first child's constant companion.
Men, unfortunately, never completely grow up, but he's your companion when you are old, and by that time, they change so much, just like our kids. When you have grandkids you will be glad that you were patient with his sometimes selfish desire to keep you to himself. As a woman, it seems selfish, but it is absolutely normal. There are a few men who are different, but they have their own flaws. Be glad your husband loves you so much, don't sweat the day-to-day concerns of your husband, because it will change, just like your kids, and just enjoy him and you child and future children at each stage. It goes by so quickly...

We were in a similar situation when we lost a codom and whoops it was the right time of the month. My husband does not resent her and loves her just as much as our first.

Now, we're accidentally preggo with a third and although neither of us planned nor really desired another he's cool with the idea even though I suffer from horrible fatigue and morning sickness. He even cleaned the WHOLE kitchen for me last night after her got off work late and helped put the kids to bed.

Keep in mind they don't experience preganancy the same way we do, and the ache for us when we're sick, etc.

If it's God's will, it shall be done.

Good luck.

All I can offer is that I had child #1 when I was 28 and child #2 when I was 38 (which I don't recommend, I felt every minute of that extra 10 years) and the two kids got along just fine. Probably helped that they are both girls.

It was really nice having only ONE child in diapers at a time. And when the younger child made periodic raids into the older child's room and made off with toys, the older one just said, "Oh. You want that? Sure. I'm finished with it."

I never had to monitor my older daughter's dates. When they watched TV they always had a little chaperone. We called her "hears all, sees all....TELLS all". Worked fine.

So having kids far apart is not necessarily a bad thing.

Cathy

Sounds like lots of people have been through this. He said yes, right? He would have said no accross the board if he was deadset against it IMHO! I agree with the other ladies. Work on the wifey part. Have your baby and enjoy the process! You may regret the huge spacing later if you wait! Also the children will be in your life for longer then the baby years and will be your legacy. There's my thought FWIW. Best Wishes

I don't think your are being unresonable --- but it doesn't sound like this is the best time to have another child. I think if both parents are not on board, then you shouldn't purposefully have a child. The resulting situation will not be fair to dad, you, or the new baby. The famliy tension will also negatively affect your son. Wait - pray - and see if your husband has a change of heart.

D.
Men tend to think like that. I think if you are ready to have another one then you should. There is never the "perfect time", there will always be bills, there will always be school, sports, etc. He will come around but you will have to try harder to have mommy & daddy time. Maybe suggest a "date night" and get a baby sitter. It might seem silly but I think then he would feel like he is getting attention and not just on the back burner while you play mom. Also get him more involved w/ your 4 yr. old. It is hard because the men tend to think the little ones are not big enough to do the things they do but that would help him to feel more like dad too. On the bright side, your 4 yr. old should be out of college/high school, etc by the time the new one is ready for that stage!

My, my, my, you are a busy girl. When would you fit a second child into your life? You are just starting out in a new career and you want to have a baby is that fair to the new job? You want to spend time shopping with friends and being in the middle of things. Oh I forgot was there something about buying a house? Look at yourself. You are 24 years old and want to have it all right now. Well let's see, you are a woman first, a wife second, a mother third, a friend fourth in that order. Your husband is only doing this to make you happy but he is not a willing participant in the idea and he may resent the child taking you further away from him and possibly move on. Babies grow up and move out; who will be with you when you are old and gray? Build your relationship back with your husband get to know each other again. Plan a future on paper for the two of you and check off the accomplishments as they are completed. Baby two can be a little younger. People have babies later in life in the mid 30s and early 40s and such. What's the rush? Life is not a rush to the finish line. Allow for flexibility in life. NOTE: Should you go ahead and have baby 2 this will put you guys in a different income bracket while trying to buy a house as to how much you can afford. Home ownership is not just buying a house it is also the upkeep and maintenance and insurance and such and also the furniture.

My daughter would love to have her first (31) but she won't because she does not want to bring up baby by herself she has seen too many friends do this.

Good luck on your decision but please weigh the pros and the cons to all and then make a decision. Let us know what you DO decide.

My life qualifications are: retired military wife (lived in Europe and Canada), mother of 2 grown children, a grandson and homeowner who loves crafts (sewing and soaping) and age 60.

You're thinking like a woman. Men really do think differently. But if you are really worried, find a good time to talk with him about it. Maybe now isn't a good time for him or maybe he is trying to prepare himself for when he "loses" you. If you decide to go ahead with trying for #2, try to be more attentive to your husband during the pregnancy. And during the negative times, try to use them to strengthen your husband's relationship with his son. Unlike the first time, this time he has a companion - your son. But otherwise, if your husband says it's okay to try for #2, ignor the other stuff.

Hi D.,

Children are the supreme gift of marriage! The greatest gift you could give to your family and to your son is another sibling! Children are amazing and change our lives. I have two right now and we want a lot more. I have a 2.5 yr. old and a 15 month yr. old. They are 18 months apart and love each other. They play all the time together. It is so exciting to watch them interact together. When children get too far apart in age, they don't ever want to hang out with each other and they end up never really knowing each other as well. Also having more children can bring you and your husband closer together. Children are signs that your love is strong in your marriage. Your love is so great that nine months later you have to give it a name! It's beautiful. Well, that's my take on that. I hope you are having a wonderful day with your son. Take care.

E.

Dear D.,

It's hard to advise in this situation since I only know your side. But from the information you have given it sounds to me like he still feels resentful for being neglected the first time you had a baby. He's already in contract mode saying he will do it to hold up his end of the bargain. That is a red flag. Men in love don't do things to "hold up their end of the bargain" they do it because they are so crazy in love that they would never think otherwise. I would say that you should tell him you will not consider having another baby untill you have made it up to him for neglecting him during the first one and your first priority will be making him feel like number one from now on, instead of last on the list and you won't bring up the subject of a baby unless he does. When he sees that you are truely his wife first. He will do anything to please you.

I truly feel for your situation. It must be hard with maternal instincts pulling at you. We waited for years with my clock ticking away at my heart! We wanted to be in our house before we had our second. Ours will be 7 1/2 years apart which I'm told is a good gap. I do think that if I were you, I'd wait till you were both at the same place about another kid. If he feels that strongly about it, I'd be afraid he'd eventually resent the situation with the new baby coming. That could tear any marriage apart no matter how strong. I also agree with some of the other posts. He could be a little stressed about the prospect of a new baby, house, bills, etc.. It's certainly a decision to be made together as a family, and I hope you are able to make the best possible decision for your future. Best of luck! One other consideration, I see you just started a new job. You might check and see when you'd even be qualified for maternity leave. That might play a factor in your decision. If it's one year from now, you could wait that one year an reevaluate then. That way you get paid while you're out and the money is one less stress you'll have to contend with! That way it's not a no to baby permanently, but a compromise for now. Again, best of luck. I know it's a hard situation to be in.

I know you have gotten a lot of responses - but I wanted to weigh in on this one.

About losing his wife -- that is a very valid point. I imagine ya'll got married b/c you love each other, and b/c ya'll were "best friends". It's easy to blow it off as a husband/wife issue -- but when you think of it as a friend issue, it changes. How would you feel if you lost your best friend? If he/she suddenly didn't have enough time for you, or didn't confide in you anymore, or wasn't there to support you anymore, or if something else was always more important than your needs?

Your husband should be your best friend. It is good that you recognize that you need improvement in that area. I do completely agree w/ everyone who said you need a date night. I think once a week is great -- unless it puts a strain on the whole date night idea. I know for my dh & I , we could never do once a week, we are just too busy and it would just be stressful to *have* to do that. We go out about once a month by ourselves. But we also have a once a week league bowling night that has been so nice for us. We bring the kids and they play and hang out in the gameroom (and w/ us), we get to hang out w/ each other and other adults, we know that our kids are safe, we don't have to pay for a babysitter, etc. It's a nice "almost-date night" for us that we all enjoy.

Since your son is only 4 -- he's not really "fun" yet. What I mean by that is, perhaps so far your husband only seems the pandemonium involved in having children (b/c lets face it there is a lot of pandemonium) -- not the fun stuff yet. Like taking your kids to football games, roller skating, to the batting cages, movie theatres, etc. etc. Now that I no longer have baby fever, I can't imagine having another baby, my children are finally all getting old enough that we can start doing "bigger kid" things and it is so much more fun (not that I don't love babies and playtime, but it is nice being at this next stage in our family).

As your son gets older, and has new interests and is able to do more "big kid" things - then having children will be more "fun" for your husband. Lets face it, babies are fun for mom, b/c we love that "cuddle time" and that adoration that our young ones give us, but I think typically dads much prefer the bonding time, the throwing around the ball in the yard time, etc, etc

I'm going to be opposite of most of the posts here and say that I think it's great that your husband was willing to comprimise and give you what you "want". Isn;t that what marriage is about? Compromise?

I doubt he will resent the second child, he may resent in some ways the idea of it now, but he won't resent the child once he/she is born. I think he recognizes that the both of you want different things and he is willing to do what you want to make you happy.

Ok - so there is fault in his wording, but he truly is "giving" you something that you want , I think that is a big step. Of course, you want pretty words, but he is probably saying the best he can think of, men do not speak like women and women do not speak like men.

I can relate to your feelings of wanting your children close together. I have 4, who are 11, 9, almost 6, and 3. I wanted to have all my children b/4 I turned 30 - that was a personal choice, I did not want to have any after I was 30 b/c I started so early, so I wanted to finish early. I wanted all my children close together, so that we could go through each "phase" together.

I think your husbands concerns about finances are valid. Even though you have a job, men typically feel that they are the primary ones who have to support the family. If you look at that logically, then that sure is a huge burden for him to carry. Esentially your primary job is taking care of the children, you will be the one who is pregnant, you will be the one who is going to be off to give birth & recover from that - so he essentially is the breadwinner. I am not saying at all that you do not contribute finacially to your family, I am not saying that and am not minimizing your contribution. I am just saying that men typically carry the burden of working forever to support their family, and it's valid for him to worry that he may not be able to provide what he likes for his children. The more children ya'll have, the more expensive it is of course, so he may just be worried that he is going to have this children that he can't "give everything" to, and does not want to be like that. Now, I am sure that everything will be fine and that yoru children will have everythign they need (and a lot they don't , lol), but as a more logical creature, he has different concerns.

He is probably not going to say what you want to hear, b/c you hit the nail on the head when you said he is looking at it logically and you are looking at it emotionally. Once you are able to stop waiting for the emotional words that you want to hear, you will find peace w/ his and your decision. He is probably not going to say what you want to hear b/c he doesn't speak/think in those terms.

Boys are raised to be "tough" and strong, and not to cry, to "deal" w/ their feelings on their own. Girls are raised fragile creatures, who cry and are comforted, we're told to talk about our feelings, etc, etc. I so many times hear women complain that their husbands won't talk to them abuot how they "feel" or situations like yours where he isn't expressing himself the way you perhaps might like. Perhaps he has other feelings, like a feeling of finacial inadequacey, that ya'll had to wait to have another child b/c "he" isn't making enough money. Or perhaps he is worried that he is not a good dad, so why have another child? You already know he is worried that he is going to further "lose" his best friend (you)? Perhaps he can't see past his own personal worries to give you the emotional affirmation that you need. I hear so many women say, "my husband won't talk about his feelings" -- and I think it's simply b/c of what I already said, they don't know HOW b/c they are not raised like we are.

You said, "do I give up my desire for another baby b/c he doesn't want one?" -- based on what you've said, I don't think it's an issue of him not wanting another child, he just doesn't want everythign that comes along w/ that, lol -- lets face it, dirty diapers and nightime feedings are not fun! But I seriously doubt he will resent ya'lls next child!

The only child(ren) my husband (and I) have ever regretted are the ones we didn't have! I think most people would say that. No one regrets their children (unless they are seriously mentally disturbed of course) -- but you may regret not having more if that is what you want! My husband was very weary of having our 4th child, for the same concerns as your husband -- money, money, money and no house. Here we are and #4 is 3 1/2 , we bought our first home just over 2 years ago, and neither of us could imagine life w/o our 4th child!

Ok - I've said a lot of stuff and rambled on and gone down many different tracks (the side effect of having 4 kids who are interuppting me every 5 minutes and a husband who has called me 4 times since I started this email, lol) -- but I just wanted to bring up another side of the issue.

Be sure to make time for your husband, and be grateful that he is giving you what he wants, so yeah it's not the ideal wording - but he is willing to comprimise for you, that alone shows that he loves you very much and cares about what you want in your family as well. Love each other and make time for each other, everything will fall into place the way that it is meant to be :)

Have fun trying to get pregnant, but don't make getting pregnant the focus of your intimacy or that may only stress your husband (and you) more. Enjoy Valentines day and God Bless you and your family!

--S. (Incredibly blessed, very happily married to an amazing man - celebrating 10 years of marriage this year, and homeschooling mom to 4 amazing kiddos ages 3, almost 6, 9, and 11)

If he is that negative about having a baby, it probably is not going to improve...remember, your first is still going to need you. You will have even less time for dad than you did with the first. Slow down!!! Stop putting deadlines on yourself. If your firstborn can adapt to a sibling at 4, he will be equally able to adapt at 6, 7, 8, etc. Maybe if you get rid of the pressure of your deadlines, your husband will relax, think about it, and decide that he is ready for another baby. But pushing usually just breeds resentment in a marriage. And, should the second one be "needier" than the first, he really will be resentful. Good luck.

Hi D.. My name is S.. I just turned 30 in January and am pregnant with my second child. My daughter will be three this May. I, like you, wanted to have my whole family finished by the time I was 30. God had different plans for us(do you believe in this?). We were married nearly three years before getting pregnant with our first one. We didn't use any form of contraception and didn't do any planning or anything. People would ask us when we were going to have children and we would just tell them, "when knows we are both ready." The same thing happened this time. It has been nearly three years and we never tried or prevented. I personally don't think that it would be a good idea to bring a child into a relationship where both parents aren't really ready for a baby.
I do know a couple of families who had surprise babies. One couple's oldest child was a senior in high school, the second a freshman, the third in fifth grade, and the youngest three years old. The other couple had a seventh grader, a fifth grader and their youngest turned one last may. Both families had much older children with babies and were happy because of what God gave them not because of the timing.
These days some women don't even start having children until their thirties.
Obviously, this decision has to be made between you and your husband. And it may need to end in some kind of compromise. I don't think that you are being too unreasonable, but I do think that you and your husband need to have a good long talk and make a decision that is going to benefit everyone in the family, not just one or two people (and don't forget to ask your son how he feels either, just to make him feel like he has a little say - lol).
I hope that my ramblings have been somewhat helpful to you. I will be praying for you and your husband to make the best decision for you family.

I think you should wait until you're both on the same page - but that may never happen. So I guess you have to decide what you want more - what you have now (happy? marriage, financial security), or what you think you will have (another baby, financial stress, marital stress). It sounds like your husband considers fighting about having another baby NOT worth the strain it would put on your marriage - is having another one worth it to you?

S.

To me you both have to be on board to have another baby as it is just not one persons decision. If one person of the partnership says "no" to a big decision like that, the answer should be no. Even though your husband isn't saying "no", he definitely doesn't seem like he is really commiting to it. Maybe try some counseling to see if you can get on the same page.

Wow. It sounds like you are telling my story. My husband was/is the same way. He has said all of things that your husband has said about having children, but I have to admit that he is a great daddy. We had the same conversation. My little guy is 3 and I didn't want him to grow up alone. My husband thought that we would be able to provide much better with just one. I did a lot of praying about it and we ended up pregnant!! I am due in May and my husband could not be more excited. Yes he still worries about the money, but that is just who he is. I say that if you want a second child, go for it. You don't want to give up your dream of having that baby because you are worried what college will cost in 18 years. You will cross that bridge when you get there. You can always start to save now. Those early AM feedings don't ;ast forever and besides they are so worth it. Good luck.

I do really think that it is very important to be on the same page for the same reasons, esdpecially in this area. I don't think that it is getting to late for you two. At your age I wasn't even married. I just turned 30 a couple of months ago and have two kids 3yrs and 7 mos. We still plan on having more and we do not own our own home yet. When you start putting time frames on things is when stress enters our lives and marriages and thats when problems are welcomed in. I think that you both need to think about this together and separately and I will be praying for all of you (you, your husband, your child and any unborn that you may have).

Hi D.! Sounds like your husband does love you and wants to please you but you need to do better in the wife dept. I have 8 children (19,18,16,13,13,11,3 and 20 mon.)and they do take a lot of time and money and patience! :-) Sometimes the babies stay up late or wake up too soon but for the most part we always make it a point to spend alone time together every night. Sometimes this doesn't happen until nearly midnight but it's worth it! Love making 4-5 nights a week is a must!We also schedule 4-5 night trips a few times a year (our goal is once a quarter) for the two of us so we can just be with each other without any distractions or preoccupations. Once a week I have lunch with him and the two youngest ones. It's good for both of us. We always seat together in Church and hold hands and hug each other. It brings us closer and feeds our love. Demonstrate your love for him by making him a priority, be affectionate, sexy, look your best. If you strengthen your love, the baby will be a blessing for both of you from the beginning. Too many couples fall victims of the "parents only not spouses," and when the kid(s) grow up they split as they killed their love from inattentiveness. Talk to your husband and reassure him he won't be losing you anymore or that he already lost you. Then show him! :-)

Best of luck and God bless!

Hmmm, this is a hard one. I think it really depends on what you know about your husband. Does he like being a dad? Is it a part of his plan for your lives? I think feeling like your wife is suddenly not your wife but your kids mother is a common feeling for dad's. Our focus does change, but I can tell you it's only while they are little that they need us so much. When they get bigger, you'll be able to focus more on him. My husband wanted 1 kid, and we ended up with 3. We had to adjust accordingly. When they were little he loved them but mainly they were "mommy worshipers" and I was their whole life. They are 10,11 and 12 now and he absolutely loves being with them. At times he's more into playing football, chess, sports, ect. with them, than I am. He is very much enjoying the reward of all those years of sacrifice. And yes, maybe the baby is more for you, (nothing like a little one in your arms) but eventually it's for both of you. The gift he gets from another child loving him, needing him, being a little him running around is not something he's seeing right now but maybe you need to be the visionary. Then again if he can't stand being a dad, then why would you give him more of it?
Again, it really depends on what you know about his heart, not necessarily the words he's saying. There is nothing wrong with him seeing this as a sacrifice he's giving you. One day when your old, he'll know it wasn't a sacrifice just for you. The reward of having children and grandchildren surrounding you both with love far exceeds any temporary discomforts you went through. It's one of God's biggest blessings.

Hi, D.:

I so know how you feel about wanting another baby. Having children is the most amazing thing a woman can do. Your husband's feelings of being excluded/neglected are not uncommon as men can either see the power of giving birth as something to fear and denegrate or respect and revere. It seems your husband is at least being honest with you in telling you he does not want another child. Your choice now is whether or not you will listen to him. If you go ahead with another child, you may be raising the children on your own whether he lives with you or not. You are at a fork in the road, honey. You have to know if this is the time to part ways with your husband, go down your own path or find a middle road. That middle road may be giving him some time (and you!) to rediscover your love for eachother and bring yourselves to a place in a couple of years when you'll both welcome a new baby eagerly.

I am not sure that you want to have another baby until your husband is fully on board with the idea. I have a friend that did not listen to her husbands concerns and got pregnant anyway. She is not longer married...and is a single mother to 2 children.

I married my husband when we were 22 and our daughter was born at 24, before her we wanted "a house full" of kids. Shortly after bringing her home we were both starting at her wondering how in the world we made such a beautiful baby and we both said at the same time that she is enough. Kaela is 11 now and we still feel like she completes our family.

But had one of us felt different about having another baby it would not happen until we were BOTH completely ready for a second child. Marriage is about love, support and partnership. He is holding back for a reason and you need to give him the time to reason with himself that he is just as ready for the second baby as you are.

This might not be what you want to hear, take some time and put yourself in his shoes and then talk about it again in say 6 months. Let the idea cook in his head.....

Hope this helps

Jenny

Hello again,
I'm glad things are doing a bit better for you financially.

I think your husband would have said NO the first time if he really didn't want a child. My husband will do this to me "Well, if you really have to do such and such." He won't be mad at me or resent me for whatever it is that I wanted to do, but he says it that way in hopes of changing my mind.

He didn't really want children but he wanted ME and he knew I wanted children. We now have 4, ages 10 months to 5 years, and he wants more! Ya just never know!

Do make sure that you spend time with your husband and don't neglect your marriage. Tell him your game plan for when the new baby comes on how you are going to invest in your relationship. That will make him more comfortable with the baby thing.

S.

There never is an ideal time to have a baby. There will always be reasons to not have one or delay having one. It is important your husband does not feel left out (you both are the core of the family). Make certain you and your hubby have dates once in a while. My husband and I have 3 children and we get a babysitter and do lunch or an afternoon movie a couple of times a month, because we were both too tired to stay out too late. For some reason, the Daddy feels closer to baby # 2 than baby #1. I am not sure why that is, but I have read this and it applies to our family. Your son will be so happy to have another sibling and is past the jealousy age (3) and can also help you out.