Small vent...am I Being Unreasonable?

I know how difficult this must be for you and you shouldn't have to praise him like a 2 year old for helping out. But if you ask him instead of telling I think that works better. He might feel slightly unappericated becuase of all the work that he does. He doesn't see everything you do so he thinks that you don't do much. So he might think that he doesn't have to help out. You shouldn't have to do everything but if you yell and nag he just won't listen.
Whenever my hubby doesn't do what I need him to do I resort to boycotting and he then ends up doing it himself.

Or you could try serving all his meals on paper plates and so he doesn't have to worry about rinsing them and you can just throw out the old crusty stuff.

Sometimes it is worth giving the extra praise. I feel he should rinse his own dishes and if a little extra praise helps, why not? Sometimes we all need a little extra pat on the back.

S. - I agree with the others who say - just praise him and say whatever it takes for him to do a little bit around the house.

Men don't multi-task well like us women do - so they think it's a great accomplishment just to go to work and make some money. They can't work, take care of the house and do everything for the kids like we do.

So, all we can do is accept their shortcomings and move on - we are definitely the "better half."

Men - you can't change 'em so you gotta find a way to live with 'em.

S.-
You totally are not being unreasonable!!! I totally understand. He want's you to stroke him for doing one little thing that he should be doing anyways!! My husband does the same thing, but I have decided that if I fought with him about it everytime, in the end it would really add stress to our marriage and ruin it. I know there are some men out there that are very helpful, but some were taught or think that its not their job. All you can do is tell him it is one thing that is important to me and you would really appreciate any help. Hopefully he will come around and realize keeping you happy is what really matters in the end.(This has TOTALLY help me) Goodluck

After 13 years together i have learned not to sweat the small stuff, but i also learned to stop asking for things to get done. I just start cleaning like a mad woman and my husband will get off his butt to pick up. So now he have a 10 minute rule. we both have to pitch in 10 minutes a day to help with the housework. we usually pick differnt sides of the house to clean so it works for us, and we stay away from each other. also, we eat at the table now, no tv, no bed, and no phone calls during dinnertime. good way to set an example for the little ones too.

good luck.

First: about the ADD etc...my boyfriend has the same issues. Let me tell you that I understand how hard it is to live with someone like that--the UPS are so great...the DOWNS make you ready to walk out the door any minute. My boyfriend responds to any of my requests for help with a full blown temper-tantrum about how much he has going on in his life and how much he has to do--but its mostly stress he puts on himself. His issues often lead to some crazy fights: he says a lot of things that he doesn't mean in the heat of the moment--just last night he said that he "can't do the baby thing". What he meant was that he didn't think he was good at it--but what he SAID was totally different! If this is the case with your husband sometimes, you are still justified in letting him know that it is NOT ok with you--but wait until a few days later so he can calm down. Then just say to him "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to argue about it, I just want to tell you that I thought the F U comment you threw at me the other night was unneccesary and I really hope that in the future, we can have disagreements and discuss it without needing to resort to that kind of language." Don't let him engage you into a discussion about it, and if he does it again, refuse to continue the discussion. You probably already know the level of patience required to deal with someone who has such extensive issues--remind yourself why you do it--you love him!
My boyfriend is the same way about helping too: if he helps out even a little with the baby he wants KUDOS. A few days ago he changed the baby's diaper--you would've thought he saved the world or something! My mother (god bless her!!) gave me some great advice: just praise him. Tell him how great it was. Hold back your annoyance and say it...he will start doing it just for the praise and then you can start tapering off...hopefully the habit will stick. But, while the praises can get fewer and far between, make sure to ALWAYS take notice when he is doing something you like, and then send him a quick, light-hearted email at work or something: "Thanks for all your help these past two weeks, its really made my life easier--remind me to show you how much it mean to me tonight..." (what better rewards system for men than SEX?). Men can be like children sometimes: they work on a rewards system. Its stupid, but they will never see that. So like the other woman said--are dishes really worth it? Take a deep breath, VENT to all the women in your life--sometimes just talking about it helps! If anything--we're all here to listen :)

Hi S.,

I don't know if you have ever read the book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, but if you haven't, maybe you should check it out. Too often, we let the daily annoyances create communication barriers between ourselves and our spouse. Take a step back from the immediate situation and look at what your husband is trying to tell you. He wants your approval and needs to be appreciated. That is typically the way a man associates feeling loved, knowing that his spouse appreciates him (let's face it, we are all as fragile as a small child inside). Don't get me wrong, he ABSOULTELY should put his plate in the sink and rinse it, but if you want to keep him MOTIVATED to continue doing things that please you AND keep him happy, why not just praise him? It is a small price to pay to have a happy husband, cleaner dishes and a better marriage. That's just my two cents.

Good luck,

Denise

I agree with Richard on ALL counts--Richard, you sound a lot like MY husband!--except that I think not only is this not a "Man" thing, but also not a "depression" thing either. Sometimes people (men and women, depressed and not) are jsut jerks from time to time. Can he be fixed? Yes, but only if he's willing. My husband has depression and ADD and still has always helped around the house. In a BIG way. I have not cleaned my house or done laundry in YEARS, those are totally his thing, in addition to the trash-emptying, etc (we have our quirks--he will take out the trash but he will NOT put a new bag in the empty can--so that's my job). ;-) You say your husband has been diagnosed with al those things, but not whether he is being treated. Is he on medication? If not, that's a bigger issue than who puts the dishes in the dishwasher. Oh, and one more diagreement with Richard, though I love everything you had to say, cleanliness is not a male/female thing either! My husband gets grossed out by the bathroom long before I would--I know all I have to do is wait him out and he'll clean it! hahaha. S., you deserve a more equal partner. I agree with the other poster who said "respond differently and you'll get a different result." My advice woudl be to jsut go about your business and be self-sufficient and be grateful for when he does help, but cut any nagging you used to do. Treat him liek a child and you will GET a child (Which sounds like what you've got now). good luck :-)

Hi S.,

My fiancee is a really sweet guy who wants to do the right thing, but he is SO disabled in the housekeeping arena that it's stunning. When I vented to friends of mine, they all said what most of the women here are saying: I know it's annoying to have to treat them like a kid, but it WORKS. One friend referred me to a hilarious article in the New York Times, by Amy Sutherland, called "What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage." I found it by googling the title. While writing a book on animal trainers, she decided to try the same training techniques on her husband, and to her (horror) and surprise, they worked. Praise and rewards.

It's worked for me too. He does more and more around the house. No matter how small and obvious it seems (woo hoo! He picked up the nasty dirty dishes in the bedroom from last week!), tell him you really appreciate it and it means a lot to you. Look at it as an experiment. It can't get much worse right?

I wish you all the best.

S.

I think you are being very reasonable. Having a job, and being the caregiver to your children is a great responsiblity. Help around the house shouldn't be a chore to your husband. A little help counts and it is help!!! I am a mother of four have a full time job and taking 2 college courses. It wasn't easy at first! My inlaws gave some great ideas to my husband..help your wife out. He does help out, but you never know it will never be perfect we always find something else to nitpick about. He watches the children when I go to school and on the weekends when I volunteer at the church. Just keep trying to tell him how you feel, and how much you need him. They don't realize sometimes how a little help comes a long way. Sometimes I get surprised with all the dishes washed and the counter sparkling clean. It's a start.. and by the way my husband also has a full time job, sometimes he cooks. sometimes!

I have to agree with Richard, very well said.

Hi S.,
I'm a Life Coach and I just thought I would support you on a few items:
Congratulations on reaching out for support!
Yes, i would totally acknowledge your hubby. If you listen, he is really telling you what he needs. The other thing is boundaries. Setting them will really support you in moving forward and living the life you really want to live. It is not okay that he said FU to you. Ask for what you want...you just might get it!
J. B., RN, CFLC
Life Coach :)

My sister had a similar problem. Two things I would recommend. If possible, eat all your meals together at the kitchen table as a family! That way dishes won't make their way upstairs to the bedroom. Eating as a family and talking, sharing, laughing, etc. together might help him with his depression and ease overall stress in the house. Second, hire a cleaning lady! Decide is this worth arguing over and destoying a marriage, or is it worth the $$ to hire someone to most of the cleaning!? I also think counseling, or the life coach thing someone else mentioned is a great idea. Good luck!

We had a marriage counselor came and talk to my MOPS group. She gave us a tool that I have found to be useful. Instead of trying to talk in the heat of the moment, stop and say, "I want an appointment." Set up a time and place that works for the both of you. During your appointment, whoever set up the appointment has the floor. You state why you are upset and your partner repeats it back. You state how it effected you again spits it back, what you want, again spits it back, then go over everything in summary, again spits it back. Your partner may not bring up any issues at this time or become defensive and try to explain, excuse whatever. If your partner would like another appointment to discuss his stuff then you set another one appointment--and it can't be that day. I know this seems like a lot of work, but it defuses the situation, gives you time to think things through and gives you a forum to discuss in a respectful, calm way. Do you use this for every little thing, no, but we have found it useful. Keeps us from saying things we do not mean and keeps bigger issues away from the children's ears.

Good luck
K.

Hurray for Richard! If there were more real MAN like you, the world would be a is hardly home as he travels a lot for his job and we're lucky enough to affort a help in the house.

And S., you are not overreacting, you're husband should help out.
M.

Hi S.. I dont think you are being unreasonable either. And, I agree with that about men being like children. We dont think we should have to praise them, but I guess we must because men will do this to us. You know, my dh works 2nd shift, so it is always me and the kids eating together because he is not here. And on the nights he is home, we go out. When he use to eat with us before when he had more days off, I was lucky because he would bring the dishes to me and clear off the table for me. I did have to ask for it though and it did become routine, but not till after a while. So, from now on, when he does something you ask for, say to him good boy or good job or something like that.

S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

S.,

My husband does the same thing, although the dishes do make it to the counter by the sink or in the sink. I just refuse to rinse or wash them. They will sit for a week. Since he does not eat with dinner with us and chooses to eat later, it is his responsiblity to clean up after himself. It bugs the pee out of me, but it's his choice not to rinse/wash them and it's my choice to let them stand there. They eventually make it to the dishwasher. I would just leave the dishes where ever he has them; bedroom/coffee table - where ever. Although explain to your children that this is not appropriate to leave things laying around, but it's something their daddy is working on to improve. Did that make sense? Anyway, remember, we have to pick our battles. You have a lot on your "plate" and do not make his "plate" part of your daily load.

Good luck!!!

I do not want to justify his behavior but I will tell you one thing. Guys are not females. They are inherantly much messier as a whole (there are exceptions) but when they do something we want them to do, the only way they will do it again is if we "kiss their toes" - guys are babies. You have two choices: you can pout and be pissed off for him being a jerk, slob, immature brat... and never be happy because he will not change with that reaction, or you can support him when he does it once in a blue moon and maybe with time he will become a bit more sensitive. A veteran wife friend of mine told me once when I was in a similiar situation that you can either be pissed and divorce the man, or you can be happy, deal with it, and pick up after him because this is the man you married. Marriage or divorce. There is no point she told me to living a married life with someone who is always getting you mad over things like this. So I opted to staying married and trying to work on myself and staying calm and doing what I could do to make myself happy, even though my husband (and most men) can act like real genuine jerks. Just my two cents. You can take it or leave it. Please don't be mad if I sound harsh. Please read "The proper care and feeding of husbands" By L. Schlessinger. It will help you and strengthen your relationship with your husband. Good luck and hang in there!

Hi S.

I do beleive that men need a little praise, especially one that is suffering from so many illnesses. Men and women are different and everyone that has responded on here agrees with that. Men can be babies and act like children and there's not much we can do but love them completely. Every man wants a little praise, just like we as women, want our husbands to praise us and be the only thing that they think about. It's not fair to ask so much of men if we can't express more then a thank you to them. That doesn't mean that he should get away with not doing his share around the house, but when he does pitch in, show him how much it means to you.

Good luck!!

L. P

OK, so what can you do to make things different. I have a person who does "life coaching". She lives in Oswego. Her company is called Transformativejourneys.com.

She is so much fun. This Thursday she is doing a seminar at
Le Chocolat on 5th Avenue in Naperville. She called it something like, "5 things your wife wants for Christmas that will get you lucky" She seems to understand how men think most of the time.

Anyway, you can't change him, you can only change yourself. As you change, his response will change. Go to Felicia's web site (above ) and check her out. He does a FREE first time consultation. If not that, then start calling him honey, sweetheart.....respond to him differently, you will get a different reponse.

S.,
I do not think you are being unreasonable. I do find it interesting when reading the replies from other Moms concerning the male gender. Men are not inherently sloppier than women. Some men are slobs and some women are slobs. Women who believe their husbands are not capable of picking up after themselves are not doing their husbands any favors by mothering them. S., you and your husband are partners. You each have a very important role. I am a stay at home Mom and I find this job to be more difficult than my previous 60 hour work week life. I think you handled it PERFECTLY. Tell him thanks for picking up and move on. He is not three and he should not be treated like he is three. If he wants to be mothered, then tell him to give her a call. There is no need to be rude to him. and I think you handled it well. The silly comment he made to you was intended to get you mad. Do not fall for it. Re. the ADD and Depression/Stress. This is where it is important to keep up communication with your husband. If he has been diagnosed, maybe he can talk to the professional who diagnosed him. Stress is a part of out everyday life. He will have to learn new coping skills. But, this in no way negates the daily realities of being a married couple with a family. Keep up the good work and good luck!

Besides the deeper issues discussed already, if he wants praise like a two-year-old, you could do what I do - praise him like a two-year-old. I usually give an enthusiastic "Good Boy!" in a somewhat joking manner when my husband does something we've discussed such as picking up his socks. It lets him know I've noticed and appreciate it. I think it's silly but he responds well to it.

S.,
PLEASE, PLEASE read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman!! Here is the link to his web site : http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
I read in in 2 days, and shockingly my husband read it right after I did! It is an amazing book & it really puts your marriage into perspective!!
GOOD LUCK!!!!!

I have to admit I'm a bit surprised as to how many people say to "praise him" or "he's a man". Yea, I throw that phrase out there, too...but in all honesty I agree with Richard in as much as a person will treat you how you allow them to. My mom told me that for as looooong as I can remember. And, in my life I've found it to be true.

Personally, I think that eating food where ever you want in the house and leaving the dishes there is unacceptable. I wouldn't do it and I for SURE wouldn't clean up if Rich (my hubby) did it. But, you have to pick your battles in your own marriage.

Do I "praise" Rich when he does something "good"? Uh, no. BUT I do show him respect and say "thank you" as he does to me. I'm lucky because my husband is very helpful around the house and does his share of everything. Do I have my husband on a pedastal? Absolutely NOT. There are a lot of faults that he (AND I) have but we've learned to address only those that are absolutely a must. For me, (again) it goes back to picking your battles. Do I wish he would make the bed every morning as he's the last one out? Hell, yeah. BUT is that really that important to me? No. Isn't it more important that he's in our son's room getting the AM diaper changed and trying to spend some time with him before he has to go to work? To me, yes.

S., you need to figure out what's unreasonable for you and him together. Your message seems to hint at some other underlying issues and not just leaving dirty dishes everywhere (the F@*K you would really get me). Take a look at what you are really looking for and talk to him. If you both love eachother (and I imagine you do) then talk about some things. Who knows what you'll find out.

Good luck to you. :)

T.

Hi S.!

I agere with a lot that is posted so I will save you from repeating. One thing I would recommend is a book called:

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary D. Chapman. I found it in the Religious section at Barnes and Noble. To make a short story long, My hubby and I had extensive problems in our marriage and after reading this book I "get it!" We all have different ways (or languages) of how we feel we are receiving love, and until you can "talk" the appropriate language, your husband may not feel that you love him. It's a deep concept, but easy to learn and use to strengthen your marriage!

Good luck!
J.

P.S. Get those kids involved too with housework! My 6 year old has been helpful for YEARS with things that he thinks is fun but totally helps me out! My 18 month old love the "Swivel Sweeper" and uses it to clean up his own mess!

Not at all are you in the wrong.He's a grown man and needs to clean up after himself.He should also help out with other stuff.
You actually work 2 jobs as taking care of the kids is a full time job itself.

Hi S.,

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. I've only been married 2 years. However, my husband was never required to do housework or dishes growing up - his mother took care of everything. Hence, when we 1st starting dating & getting serious, I had my work cut out for me.

When I would comment to my mom about some of the things he wasn't doing around the house, she would would tell me that my dad doesn't do that either. (My dad does fix things & help with the outdoor chores - but scrub a bathtub...no way!) She's from a different era where the women still took care of the house, kids & full time job & that's the way it is so I shouldn't expect much. I tell her that I am not going to live like that & make my life more difficult than it has to be. I tell her that I can't help it if she didn't "train" dad to do things.

Anyway, I am fortunate, as my husband has beome helpful over the years. I cook, he cleans up. He's not very handy & has a low patience level with projects & I am the opposite (Heck, I buy or pick out the tools!) I do have him do chores on his day off during the week (he works retail). He does scrub the tub (more muscle power & the cleaning agents aggravate my asthma). He vacuums & does laundry, but I do have to remind him. When he complains that it is his day off, I remind him what my Saturdays are spent doing - going to Walmart & grocery shopping & other cleaning that he doesn't do. The more we get done on our days off, the more time we can spend together doing fun things on Sundays, our only day off together.

It's not always easy & not everything always gets done. It take a lot of patience & balancing. There is only gong to be more stuff once the baby is born. My hubby likes the praise too. I always try to notice what he's done in the house & say thank you before he can ask me if I've noticed.

Try to make a list of things/chores you know he's good at & post it on the fridge (as well as your chores). Incorporate your children on this list if they are old enough simple things like making their bed or putting away their toys. Maybe with being ADHD, he needs the structure? If the whole family is on the list, he won't feel singled out. Good luck to you!

No u r not in the wrong....boys...oh I mean husbands need to help out with that stuff. I would have done the same or worse...when my hubby refused to do dishes I let them pile up for a week as well, themn when they still didn't get done I threw them away...I'm not kidding...funny thing is he always gets the dishes done now:) By the way this was before we had a dishwasher, and we weer only 21 and 23 ( we are 31 and 29 now...if you have a dishwasher there is no excuse. One thing I will say is pick your battles, like you do with children, and remind yourself of all he does...like works full time out of the home, great dad, etc. Tell him directly what you need him to do, and ask him when he will do it...then let him him, if he doesn't do it by the time he alotted, then you can handle it how you see fit, or you could go on strike and see how he likes waking up to no clean underwear or socks one day. OOOPS u were too busy :) As u may have figured by now my hunny and I are very stubborn and bull headed. On another note, I'm sure the blowing up with the swearing has more to do with his ADD...I do that to when I am really stressed out, cause I swear I am more affected by ADD when I am stressed out, but I also do things to manage it, like a day planner, and notes, and a routine to help keep me organized( like a kid)...Telling you f&*( you is not okay, ADD or not...both of you learning to live with it is, maybe that would help your hubby. Good luckk I knwo us ADD types can be real pain in the a#$ to live with

No, you're not unreasonable to ask him to help. A housecleaning service to take some of the burden off would be a good investment, too.

I do understand his pique though - you shouldn't have to praise him to earn his help, but the fact that you "didn't want to inflate his ego" sounds like you were still feeling resentful at the time and it probably showed more than you thought.

Your question also reminded me of something else that might not apply. My husband's family of origin thanks one another for small things (cooking dinner, doing dishes, and so on), and my husband does the same. At first it seemed odd, almost laughable, to me, since we share all of the household tasks, but now I like it and try to remember to do it, too. Even though I know it's just the work that has to be done, strangely it does feel nice to have someone acknowledge it. Does your husband thank you for what you do?

nope u r not wrong! he should not not be praised cuz he is adult and knows right from wrong. they get use 2 us cleaning behind them like little kids. I am in the same boat as u!!!!!! p/t with a 6 yr. old and a 10 yr. old. plus, him (which in my eyes is a bigger mess then both of them) lol good luck with this!!!!!!

Hi. You are not unreasonable...BUT remember, he is a man. Men are like children sometimes. Yes, they need to be praised in order to repeat a desired action...JUST LIKE KIDS. I know this with my husband. He does the same thing. I gave up with the stuff that you did because it never gave me the desired result...BUT LOW and BEHOLD, he does it on a daily and meal basis. It is because I praised him, and I told the kids, Look, DADDY even cleans up after himself and he is helping mommy by doing this. Isn'[t he a good daddy! lol So, child psychology works with men sometimes.lol

Not unreasonable at all S.. Even with my being home all day with our 4 year old, operating our home based business, my husband will still help out around the house. I try not to leave things undone but he knows that between the business and our daughter, I'm just as busy as he is. Also, there's something you mentioned in your message that I'd like to address in a private message to you.

~M.

You are not in the wrong!
OK-- so why does he do no housework???? You are working a full-time job, being a mother, AND working outside the home!! Maybe ALL the dishes need to be his job. That is what we have done at my house. I cook so you do the dishes! It is only fair!

As for the praise--my husband did this when we were first married. I started doing it back to him and he stopped asking all together. Just a thought!