Mother in Law Favouring Cousins

Hi Beth, I would just be open with her and tell her how you are feeling, she may not even realize she is makeing you feel this way. J.

my own mom favors my brother's baby boy more than my baby girl... we're home with them but i dont feel that they love my DD as much as they love my nephew... my sister in law is super lazy.. she cant even prepare meals for my brother, she lets my brother do the laundry and she always stay in the room whenever she's here... when my nephew learns new tricks they are so proud of him and i dont feel that kind of treatment from my mom... i clean the house, i do the chores i help out my mom oh and i pay the electric bill but still i cant feel the attention they give to my daughter is enough.. what i do is i treat my girl sooo soo special.. i let her feel i love her and my love is enough for her.. sometimes i cry to my hubby because of this...

AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED": In your OWN words"God knows their mothr's side is riddled with drugs and an intergenerational dependence on welfare - what chance besides their grandmother's guidance do they have?" You are right, God knows, they have no love or mercy coming from you at this time. How can you STOP yourself? Start treating your husband's brother's children as if they are human beings who have lost their father and deserved to be loved and treated like children, in spite of what you might think of their mother.

Your husband is alive for your children. Perhaps you and your husband can take the cousins for some family time and your resentment might turn into compassion and love instead of resentment and give some free time to a grieving mother and wife.

While you see the mother of these children as a party animal, she may be hurting far more then you, hopefully, will EVER have to experience.

Blessings.....

So I am assuming that the deceased BIL is your MIL's biological son. Two years is not really that long of a time. It is interesting that you say the mother is partying because of her "free time". It sounds more like she is still grieving.

How do you stop feeling resentful? Be thankful the father of your own children is still alive. Perhaps the cousins might feel "left out" because they do not have a father now, and your MIL is trying to shower them with as much attention as possible.

Life is too short for resentment. Let it go.

On the resentment... just imagine your husband dead.

Which may seem like a flippant thing to say... but do it quite seriously.

How would you react at the news? Do you have life insurance? How would you cope with his death? How long would you cry for? Could you keep your job, or would you be to grief stricken? Would you have to (no insurance or not enough money to be able to grieve, or paperwork screwups and it's going to take awhile)? Would you become so depressed that you were unable to function normally? How would you sleep at night (do you and your husband share a bed, now?) How would your children react? When they asked "When's daddy coming home?" what would you tell them? How would you look at families who are lucky enough to have a dad for daily living, for 'dad's and donuts' or 'father daughter dances'? Have you ever taken care of all 3 children on your own for a month or more? A week? ((if not, send you husband out fishing, boating, whatever for a week, if you have... then you know what a handful it is)). How do you deal with sympathy/awkwardness? What would you do if your children became depressed/ angry/ started acting out? If you started getting calls from the school that they were acting out? If their grades started slipping (or plummet entirely)? Or if instead they "stuffed" it and made no notice (seemingly) of their father being gone? How often are you physically ill, or cry in secret? Do you get passed over at work because people have new expectation of failure on you as a single mom? Do you even keep your job? Do your children's faces remind you of your lost husband so much that sometimes you feel like you're dying inside? How much energy does it take you to keep on "the happy face"? How many family members get angry at you for a situation you have no control over? How many offer their help and support? How long does the support last? A few days, a few weeks? Months? Or does your family really step up and help you through all the years of grief, and lonlieness, and transition. Your friends? How do they act? Do they keep trying to get you out of the house? To date? To come spend the night for a girls' evening in? Do they grow sick of you or do they become extended family? Do your inlaws blame you? Insist you aren't capable? Or are they loving and supportive? Do you listen to divorced people and WISH you had the headaches they suffer through? If you came into a lot of money, would you give it all back to have your husband back? Do you go through a period of trying to find yourself, or do you go through a period of trying to block it all out... keeping up appearances for the kids until you're alone? Are you easy prey for pedophiles who stalk single mothers? Are you desperate for support, for normalcy? How long does it take you to find it? (statistically, 3-5 years). Do you run through men/boyfriends trying to find even a glimmer that reminds you of your husband (slightly less half of widows do), or do become frigid... the sight of other men disgusts you (slightly less than half of widows do). How do you deal with others who tell you "It's time to _________." (be over it, get on with your life, start dating, grow up, etc.) who have never been in your situation. How SOON was the first time someone implied you should get over it? When do most? Are you able to afford therapy? For all of you? For just your kids? Who goes, and when? What things did your husband used to handle that now you have to on your own? Are you any good at them? If not, who can you hire? Which of your friends or family might you ask? Are you the kind of person who will ask for help before you're in a crisis? Do you accept help? How do you lay boundaries down for those who offer? How do your taxes work now? What do you do with cards and accounts that are in both of your names? Once you get everything switched over, what do you do when a piece of mail comes in his name? How do you handle divorcing friends who joke they wish they'd get a payout like you did? How much of that payout do you have to give back in taxes? Do you get irritated having to carry around a copy of the death certificate in your purse for the dozens of times you're required to furnish it? Do all the teachers know of your husband's death, or is it something you have to explain every year at parent teacher conferences in addition to all the sports, new friends' families, passport office, medical paperwork, college applications (esp in the financial aid dept). How long do you keep his things? How many extra hours a day, a week, a month do you deal with the aftermath of his death... and for how long?

These are only a handful of the questions the newly widowed (widowered) have to deal with the first few years. There are far far more. I'm sure if you actually sit down and run the death of your husband you could easily come up with 10x. Then you take that list of problems and questions and add in "MIL takes kids one day a week, and on vacations, etc.."

My MIL definitely favors my SIL's kids. Maybe because they were there first or because they live by her (and now with her) and there is just more opportunity or because their mother (her daughter) tends to be more needy than my husband. Who knows. He and I both notice it, but we try to focus on the good.

We invite her over, we make trips to see her (when we can), we help the kids get excited when the do see her and make a big deal about everything she does for them.

It's not fair, but that's not going to change. We try not to have high expectations and just really appreciate whatever we get.

Our kids are too young to notice, so that helps a lot. We will try to make sure we always stress the positive.

It sounds like she is trying to make up for them not having a dad. Try not to be resentful, the kids have been through a lot and if you say the mother has her own agenda, who else to they have? Your MIL probably just knows your kids are stable and they dont need her as much. Just feel blessed that you all have each other.

EEEkk.. THAT is a tough one. Maybe you could invite her over to the house to spend time with your kiddos. Wonder if that would help her realize what wonderful personalites your children have vs the cousins. I know you love those kiddos too, or it would not bother you so much. Keep the relationship open for all the kids. Spend time with her and the cousins...might change your feelings. GOod luck

In order to feel less resentful...remind yourself that these children LOST THEIR FATHER. Don't be so selfish. Your children have their parents...their cousins don't. Their father is gone, their mother is greiving and partying. Be thankful your mother-in-law has stepped in and stepped up. You ought to be thanking her.

Wow. Your feelings are very clear but you have you asked your children how they feel? Because they are so very well taken care of by you and your husband they may not even be feeling the way you feel about their Grandmother's attention to their cousins.

It does take a village to raise children. I would think that since you have such a stable home you would jump at the opportunity to give your mother-in-law a break and take your your neices and nephews for a weekend.

Different people handle grief differently. It is very hard to know the heart of a person. Perhaps your SIL is grieving in her own way. Sometimes it is easier to fill a void with a person rather than alone especially if you come from dysfunction.

How big is your heart for your SIL, her children and your MIL? What lessons about family do you want your children to learn?

Just a different point of view.

I'm sure she feels sorry for the kids and wants to help and do what she can to make up for the trials they have already had to face. Also, the mother may not work outside the home but has had to deal with a very traumatic situation as a single mom and a widow. Two years is not that long to work through grief and people work through grief in different ways.
Instead of seeing this all from your own point of view, you may want to try to see it from their point of view. Your kids are not going to be scarred by this unless you make it an issue. And if it's just a case of missing out on babysitting, just find a local sitter.

Was your BIL your MIL's son or the husband of your MIL's daughter? I would think that if it was her son who died, she is probably trying to hold onto her deceased son through his children.

It's too bad she is spending so much time with one set of grandchildren and missing out on time with your children. She will be filled with so much regret when your children are older and she realizes that they don't care to spend time with her because they hardly know her. But this is her choice to make. I wouldn't bring up the subject to her because there is a lot of grieving for everyone involved -- including your husband.

Like the other posters said, it takes a lot of time to work through such a devastating loss. Hopefully, your MIL will come around eventually and spend more time with your children. In the meantime, don't make it a big deal to your children. Your feelings of resentment are natural, but they won't do you any good. If you have a good relationship with your own parents, let them spoil your children :-)

Sounds to me like your MIL is trying to provide a little stability for these kids. It also sounds like (from your So What Happened) that except for their grandma, it is something these kids are sorely lacking. Kudos to your MIL for trying to step up and help these kids who sound like their mother doesn't care too much about their upbringing.

Maybe you could try to plan some joint activities for when your MIL has them so you could ALL spend time together as a family?

Well, thank God you have a husband and your children have a father. It may seem unfair that the other kids get more attention, but they have also lost something that they can never get back.
This is no time to start thinking about what is fair. Life isn't fair or those kids would still have a dad.
Your SIL doesn't work. She parties. She has no husband. She didn't divorce him, he died.
It might be nice if your MIL could have all the children once in a while, unless it's too much for her.
If you and your husband need time away, find a sitter and go. It doesn't have to be your MIL who does the watching.
I can understand feeling your kids are being left out, but left out of what? Their family is intact and I'm sure they wouldn't trade places with their cousins in order to have more grandma time.
My 3 cousins lost both their parents in a plane crash. Yes, they were given special attention. As they should have been. Even as a kid, I was glad not to be them. I still had my mom and dad.
There will come a time when they need to be treated like they are normal, regardless of the fact their father died. In the meantime, take care of your own kids and family, feel blessed you are all healthy, and let the rest happen as it may.
Don't ask MIL to watch your kids if she cancels. Find someone else and do your own thing.
Your kids need their grandmother too, but this is no time for keeping score.
Don't let one tragedy begin another.
Carry on because your life hasn't been irreperably altered and because you can.

Best wishes.

Let it go... she's making up for "lost time" with her grandchildren and trying to keep a connection with her son.

My MIL favors her other grandchildren too b/c we lost our nephew 18 months ago and she thinks that my neices need her more than my son does. It stinks b/c we pay for a sitter if we go out, but my SIL gets free childcare anytime she wants it b/c she "needs it" and we "don't".

Oh well. My son loves the time he does get with his grandma and we have started making a conscious effort to invite her over once a month so he gets some 1:1 time. Call her and invite her over for lunch and play time once-in-a-while and move on!

it's hard not to judge sometimes, but being widowed with young children must be an unimaginable nightmare. rather than focusing on how awful the DIL is, i'd try to redirect my emotions toward warmth and gratitude toward MIL for being there for those kids.
easy to say, i know.
if your kids are used to the status quo, they just accept it as how it is. they don't see it from your perspective. just try not to infect them with your resentment.
khairete
S.

You have received really good advice, which is to just let the discrepancy go. I think everyone else has put their finger on your MIL's reasons for devoting herself to your BIL's kids. And yes, it's not fair that your kids should be penalized or deprived of their grandmother because they have the benefit of having live loving parents, but there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe you and your husband can talk to your MIL about doing a group vacation with all of the kids? Or can you and your husband offer to look after your BIL's kids and let your MIL spend time with your children?

My MIL shows a preference for my SIL's children because my SIL is her obvious favorite child and one of my nieces has a heart defect. I know my place in the family and I am just grateful that I have healthy children and will not apologize for that. My husband has promised that if our girls ever express that they feel slighted, then we'll say something to MIL. It's not fair to hurt the feelings of kids!

If you really want to feel better just stop thinking about it. It's YOUR choice what to think about. Also try being more thankful for what you have. You are married and have your husband and your children.

The fact that the mother of these children runs around doesn't matter to this situation and shouldn't matter to you. As far as MIL, she lost her son for Pete's sake. She has a right to deal with that any way she pleases.

Hire a babysitter so that you can get some time with your husband and then problem is solved. Life just isn't equal or fair. My mother lives with me so she's closer to my children and our grandson then my brothers children and his grandchildren. We are not a wealthy family. So we can't make things equal. My brother lives 4 hours away and he hasn't brought his kids or grandkids up this way. I hope they don't all feel bad that my mother isn't a doting grandmother to them. It's just life. Circumstances dictate the actions of people.

I assume you like your situation and your job. Don't make this a mommie
wars fight. Perhaps if you were proactive with your mother-in-law about
how your family can participate in being with this family who has lost their
husband and father and make them happier you will be happier yourself.
You kids can do things with and for their cousins. You will be setting an
example to them of how a strong career woman does it all.
Don't keep score. Your mother-in-law is probably just doing what she things
is best for those who need it the most and admires you.

You're going to have to make the CHOICE to stop feeling resentful and not pass this anger onto your kids. It doesn't matter that the parent broke up years ago - this situation is NOT about parents. Her son died, and those children have been royally screwed by life and your MIL is doing her best to give them some stability, love, etc. Seriously, kids need parents more than grandparents (no offense to grandparents) and the cousins don't HAVE parents - yours do.

Once you can calm yourself down resentment-wise, get together with her and tell her what a great thing she's doing. Maybe YOU could have the cousins over to play with your kids and your kids can hang with MIL, or your kids AND the cousins could spend time with MIL, or you can all go out as one big lump and have fun.

I can see where you're coming from, and I commend you in trying to get past your feelings that do noone any good. People cannot choose their feelings. If that was the case I would choose to feel relief over the death of my father last week (from a long battle with cancer). Instead I just feel an awful sadness. I think that some of the comments here such as 'stop being selfish' are not helping and have missed the point that you are actually trying to change yourself, not the situation. So how can you change to deal with this? Try to focus on other positives in your life, set up other family time that will not cause resentments, and remind your children that their grandmother loves them, nomatter what. Try to avoid bringing your own feelings to the fore by making snide comments in order to vent. This will make you feel awful as well as your husband and children. I am sorry that when the cousins lost their father, it seems that your children also lost their grandmother. A death will always be hard on the family, but the only person you have any control to change is yourself. Be a good mother, be kind to yourself, and make your relationship with your children and husband the best that it can be. Good luck to you.