Recently, I have been down about by appearance and started to upgrade my personal maitenance by getting regular haircuts, wearing a dress to work and makeup.
My husband thinks that this change is because I am having an affair. I tell him I just want to feel good about myself and pretty, but he doesn't believe me.
I just need someone to tell me it's okay. I understand that he is insecure but I would have though 16 years of marriage would stand for something. He says that it doesn't, since people cheat on each other all the time...but I try to get him to focus on us, not others. Perhaps longevity means more to me than it does to him? But it should stand for something, I think it means we haven't given up on each other and value our marriange and family.
But wearing a little makeup and trying to make myself happy shouldn't get in the way of that.
We have been to counseling, he thinks issues are all mine, not his and therapy only becomes a bitch session with no resolution.
We haven't had any problems intimately, so I would think he would be more suspicious/insecure if I change the routine.
Since we met he has been insecure and very jealous. Because of this, I avoid any contact with men outside of his friends that he trusts. That means no friends at work or outside work that are male, not even husbands of a girlfriend or even the regular waiter at our favorite restaurant. I have had depression problems since the birth of our first child (6yrs) and have occassionally been on medication. I thought therapy would help, but it hasn't. Perhaps I should go alone? Then I would think think that he will berade me for "talking behind his back."
I used to use my girlfriends as sounding boards, but spending time with them has been minimal lately. Mainly because it causes a fight with him whenever I want to plan any time out for myself, even if it is planned and with another woman.
I am starting to wonder if I should suspect him of cheating. He has done it before, and we worked through it. But then I think he's just stressed out. He is unemployed, trying to find work now since Dec 09. But money has always been a stressor, I don't think it would be any different now.
You are so right! You go girl. Tell him to grow up. Mother's Day is coming up and a new necklace would look great with that lovely dress...
He should be saying: "You look beautiful honey" instead of bringing you down. Don't let him do that to you.
Your husband is surely feeling insecure. I don't know how old you both are, but you've been married 16 years, so you're not teenagers by any means.
If you haven't really been in the habit of taking extra care of your appearance, it may seem odd to him. But, it doesn't have to equal red flags either.
Men think differently than women. That's a given. I personally tend to think that women get better as they get older. You get your kids raised, you start wanting to put some focus back on yourself and thinking about your own needs for a change. It doesn't have to be the same thing as thinking less about your husband.
I've been a single mom for a long time and juggling two kids and a job, I got to where I never wore makeup unless I was conducting a meeting or something. Then, when I had to go on disability for a while, I just threw on anything comfortable and clean for my physical therapy appointments, etc. I didn't care. But, I realized that I'd been slacking when my son came home from school one day, and I actually had makeup on, and he said, "Mom! You look really pretty....where are we going?"
We weren't going anywhere.
And you know it's bad when even the mail lady says, "Wow, you look really nice today."
I don't think men understand that getting gussied up once in a while really is something that we just do for ourselves. When you look good, you feel good.
At least your husband notices! I gave my friend an awesome new haircut because she wanted to surprise her husband and he didn't even notice. I cut 8 inches off her hair and it looked so good! He didn't even notice until she finally handed him the ponytail that I had cut off.
Men!
I think what you should do is find a couple of women's magazines that have make up tricks and hair ideas and articles about how to look your best at 30, 40, 50, 60......
New hairstyles, new clothing styles, new trends in nail polishes and makeup. Many mags have makeover tips. Find some that have articles about looking your best for your man, how to keep your marriage sizzling, stuff like that. Have him look at them with you when you're laying in bed watching TV.
It might help him to see that it's a "woman" thing....it's about feeling pretty and looking pretty and feeling confident. If he says he doesn't "need" you doing any of that, say thank you, but YOU need it for yourself. Other women get their nails done, other women wear makeup, other women get new haircuts. It's a woman thing. It's not just you. Wearing makeup and dresses to work doesn't mean you're not happy in your marriage.
My sister has been married 15 years and gets every new hair style, different colors, the newest glasses, manicures and pedicures and her husband always tells her how sexy she looks. He's not worried about her going anywhere and she's not a priss. She'll throw on a flannel shirt and sweatpants with no makeup and her hair pinned up to go camping, fishing or clamming, rototilling the garden....she's not a slave to beauty, by any means. But she does like fixing herself up.
One thing I like to splurge on when I can, is pretty bras and panties. Even if no one but me sees them, I feel pretty wearing them.
You might want to invest in some with your husband knowing he's the only one to ever see them. One of my male friends buys his wife pretty things from Victoria's Secret every year for her birthday without fail.
Try some of these things.
If your husband is truly afraid that doing things for yourself signals trouble in your marriage, you might need to go to counselling to help him get over that. He may be worried that you are coming into your own and beginning to flourish and to him, that means he might get left in the dust.
What does he do to make himself feel like he's evolving? Does he have hobbies? Does he tend to be afraid of change in general?
Depending on the level of his insecurity, anything you do could be seen as a threat to him or his comfort level, but that doesn't mean you have to supress yourself or your happiness.
I hope you get some good responses and I hope that he will come to see things from your perspective a bit.
Rent "Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed".
It's funny, and he talks about the differences in how men and women think.
I highly recommend it and it might give you a chance to open communication with your husband.
I wish you the best.
I will admit that it is usually one of the first "warning signs" that you hear about... your spouse suddenly being more concerned with their appearance.
So I would try to see it from his viewpoint. If you suddenly decided the way to feel better about yourself is to take more time on your appearance then ask yourself: 1) Did he KNOW that I was unhappy with myself before this? 2) Do I ONLY do this when I am going to work and not in my time around the house?
Perhaps if he feels like you are doing it for HIM, he would feel more comfortable. Generally speaking, we tend to get more lax about our appearance the longer we are together (men too), not the other way around. So maybe he has zeroed in on that and is worried. Try reassuring him in other ways besides just TELLing him that there isn't anybody else.
Just make sure you get all dressed up for him on the weekends as well. Men don't really understand the "mommy slump" and how we feel as women on the inside when we get all dressed up...just keep reassuring him and maybe schedule a lunch date during the week sometime...maybe surprise him at his office/job with his favorite lunch and tell him he is the only guy for you...over and over again!
I wouldn't let this get you down too much...chances are your hubby is just realizing how hot you are (again) and is worried that other men are going to recognize that as well :)
I don't think your hubby is out of line for feeling this way...he is right, after all...people do cheat all the time...and changing your appearance is a tell tale sign of something "changing"...just keep reassuring him that the only thing that is changing is how you want to feel about yourself!
I would tell him he is the only man you could adore and that when you feel better about your appearance, you feel friskier WITH HIM.
This, though, is more of him being insecure. It may sound ridiculous, but what about getting him a makeover as well? So he knows how it feels to get "glamorous". Remember that he probably doesn't look the same way he did when you met and he may be feeling a little down about his own appearance.
:)
EDIT: I just read your update - Are you sure he is worth staying married to? We only get one life to be happy - are you happy?
I guess that if my husband decided to get new underwear, new hair cut, dressing up. I would be asking the same as your husband. I would wonder why he didnt do this for me at home. So maybe you can dress up for your hubby so he knows that he counts as well. I think its great to want to look good, makes you feel good. Go buy him a new shirt and take him out!!! Kiss on him and hug him all night!!!
A massive change in appearance/grooming IS a red flag for an affair, but it's also a sign of exactly what you said: Wanting to feel better about yourself. Just as suddenly not caring about your appearance can be a sign of depression OR a sign of just being happy with who you are.
As long as you both can acknowledge the validity of where the other is coming from, I suspect you'll be fine. I'd be willing to lay $50 on the table that he's been talking to others who have had their spouse cheat on them... and the sudden change in appearance is usually the first sign. People who have been cheated on tend to be hypervigilant about OTHER people's marriages, and they DO tend to stick their noses in. It's just going to take a little time to build up faith and trust.
One thing that spouses who HAVE cheated and are trying to reconcile do is to be as *transparent* as possible, to show that they're not hiding anything. AKA... share passwords/ texts/ random calls. No, you haven't cheated... but showing that same transparency (aka nothing to hide) can help.
As to the 16 years of marriage, unfortunately that's in your disfavor. 15-20 years is a HUGELY COMMON time for adultery... just as the 3rd year together is usually the hardest... and 40-50 bdays tend to be the whole midlife crisis thing.
Do I think you should quit doing what you're doing? Heck no. Keep it up. :)
Just be sure you are doing this for him too, and not just for work. 16 yrs of marriage doesn't mean anything, if it has lacked communication. Talk to him about your feelings and why you really decided this new change. Also, be flirty with him, be the one to initiate intimacy. Make him feel loved, wanted, and important & I'll bet you he won't question you anymore!
It's OK!! But I think you need to talk more with your husband about this, perhaps with a counselor present that can help mediate. Obviously he does feel insecure, but don't invalidate his feelings. Instead try to get him to tell you why he feels like that. Also, try to get him to see your point of view. Ask him how he would have you look, then tell him how that makes you feel. Use descriptive words and liken it to something he might identify with.
16 years is something to be proud of!
I completely agree with Victoria. Be sure to communicate with your husband. If out of no where you changed and never shared your thoughts with him regarding your new look, he is forced to jump to his own conclusions. There is nothing wrong with dressing up and looking your best, just include your hubby in on your thoughts.
For example, my hubby decided that he wants to be in better shape. He has been going to the gym after work several times a week. If he hadn't shared his plans with me, I am sure I would have jumped to conclusions about why he stopped comming home on time. I am so glad that my husband took the time to share his thoughts with me. Be sure your hubby knows what's going on in your head. Also, dressing up for him is great idea. Go have a date night and dress up!
Not at all. Maybe there is more to it and as with most men, he's not communicating. Maybe on your next date night get a new dress etc for HIM. That way he'll feel included. Thenb maybe he'll be more able to understand why you need to feel good about yourself for YOU. Which is not only normal, but healthy!
He needs to trust you, period. If he is having trust issues it may do you some good to do some marriage counseling so he can find the true source of his feelings.
It's okay to feel good about yourself... Men sometimes don't understand women and how we work... We get into the "mommy slump" sometimes and when we get out of it a man might automatically assume it's for different intentions..
I understand what you mean (in a different way because I'm a SAHM) but I don't wear a lot of makeup anymore (used to ALL the time before my son but I feel "what's the point because I'm home") but in order to make MEEEEE feel better; I will do my hair, put all my makeup on and actually a normal outfit so "I" feel prettier...
Maybe you should do something sweet for him to make him feel more secure... It's an insecurity of his (a pretty normal insecurity) and he needs to overcome that but with your help :0)
It's definitely okay for you to take better care of yourself.
If you suddenly changed your behavior/appearance without his prior awareness of the feelings that led up to the changes, I can see how he might feel distressed and insecure.
If you didn't talk to him about what you were going through, then I would make sure to open a discussion about WHY you didn't discuss those "down" feelings with him.
If you DID talk to him beforehand, and he still is insecure, maybe picking out some new clothes for him and acting like you care about HIS appearance as well, would make him feel better?
I think he is only afraid of losing you, based on what you have written...
Men are insecure naturally and a sudden change in your apperance would be hard on him. I'm not saying he is right by accusing you of cheating. Just looking at both sides.
Maybe you should plan a special night for you and him. A night where you can focus on him. Make him feel special. Hubby's are a lot like our kiddos and they need a lot of one on on attention!
I don't know if your hubby would be up for it, but you could also involve him when your making changes to your appearance. When your getting your haircut, ask him what he thinks. Not that you'll go with that, but at least he'll know you care what he thinks (not what someone else thinks, like he is assuming now.) When you go shopping ask his opinion too.
Good luck!
Tell you husband this story. I met a woman in a bible study class. She always looks impeccable. Perfect outfits and make up, and she has three small kids! I told her one day how good she looked. She told me how during her last pregnancy she started to develop depression. Her postpartum depression was bad and lasted over a year. She said she never wore make up or dressed up. (She got therapy and recovered). I don't know if its the therapy or her taking charge of her life, but someone invited her to one of those make over pampering things where they sell product. She went, and afterward decided that she was going to wake up and just put her face on every day. Thats where she started. She said the way it made her feel different, carry herself different, and the respect she in turn got from her husband started to make a real difference. It was a simple outside thing to do that really got her going in a better direction. Sometimes after slumming around as a mom, you just need to take steps to look better on the outside, and it helps you feel better on the inside. Sorry you married someone jealous who can't enjoy a woman who is taking better care of herself. I have also been working on "just putting my face on" and let me tell you, it makes a difference in my day. So from another woman who is faithful to her husband to another, sometimes you just need to make these changes, keep with it.
With the response you gave in what happened, I think going to therapy for yourself would be best. He's not willing to see what's going on, he's not willing to change and you can't force him to, he has to decide to do it for himself. I would say, work on yourself, get some strength back, you need it. No one is an island and you can't shut yourself off from other people outside your marriage just so you won't have to fight about it, it's not healthy, you need your life back sweetie, take it!!
Your essentially putting yourself in a bind now, you need friends, you need people, to have a healthy, balance relationship and if he's not comfortable with it, it's his problem, not yours, take your life back!
Yes, suddenly getting into shape, dressing up nicely, or redoing yourself is a serious signal of having an affair, but if you're not, you're not, and you can't prove a negative. Make sure you're eager to go out with your husband and your new look, encourage the two of you spending a lot of time together, and try to reassure him. But if that doesn't work, then you have some serious trust issues in your family and you need to seek counseling.
I dress up when I go to work. I never get a chance to do that at home or for my hubby with 2 little ones.
But I have a right, as do you, to feel good about yourself.
Do it! I try to keep my nice clothes on once in a while after work or wear nicer casual clothes so that my husband actually sees me in something other than spit up and sweats! :0 However, that's just the reality of things right now.
Eventually my little ones will be old enough for us to go on date night and I will dress up for him too...
My husband doesn't dress up for me.....but I L. him anyways!!!!
Does he dress up to go to work? If so, ask him, "Should I assume you are having an affair?" Explain to him how you feel, and yes surprise him by dressing up for him.
Sounds like some marriage counseling is in order...if your hubby woul agree to go. Your upgrade in grooming and clothes should not be such an issue. Now if you had other behavior changes...like going missing for periods of time,or being secretive about e-mail/mail/calls etc that's another matter.
Your husband says people cheat on each other all the time. I hate to sound insensitive, but I am wondering if he knows about this first hand to be so confident to say it up front. People also have a tendency to project their own feelings and actions onto others...even those they say they L..
A hard case...can you point out to your husband any self-care or indulgence that he has done that you could have protested? ( pointing out a double standard might at least bring some logic into the picture..but even facts and logic does not always win the day.) Good luck in your relationship.
tell him you're trying to look good for him and yourself..say u have one life and u have decided that you weren't happy w/ how you were looking and decided to fix that..then surprise him with some sexy lingerie and a fun night maybe that will calm him down..u must be looking great for him to be getting jealous!
It absolutely does not mean you are cheating. I know how you feel. I went and still going through a phase where you feel down, depressed, and you don't like yourself. I spoke to my husband about it and he incouraged me to dress up and do what I need to make myself feel better. We are no good to our families this way if we can't even L. ourselves. I feel much better now that I am changing the way i dress and carry myself around people. I am starting to L. myself alot more and I could tell how it affects my daughter and husband. So keep doing what makes you happy, cause even if your husband doesn't think your are doing it just to make yourself feel better than he doesn't understand you and is being selfish.
And about him being so jealous, i think it is not healthy to be in such a one sided realtionship. If you have never given him a reason that you had or have wanted to have an affair then he shouldn't act the way he does. But in your case you have more reason to suspect him of cheating, since he's done it before. I would be very careful, and make sure he is not cheating on you again.
You deserve to have your time too. You don't need to ask for permission from your husband to do everything. You are your own person. You need friends and family. Doesn't matter if they are male or female. I work with all men at my job, and my husband has 6-8 women working under his supervison. Neither one of us has a problem with this. We know we trust each other and our marriage is everything to us.
Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you. You need to be happy to help your child have a happy home too. God Bless!!!
It's wonderful that you want to work on yourself again. as a mother and a wife and probably a career too, we dont make enough time to pamper ourselves and help ourselves feel better by dressing up a little. ive gone through those phases of not caring or having time to get ready and then changing my appearance and caring about it. people even treat you differently when you take the time to put yourself together. more power to you. im sorry that husband doesnt understand or just compliment you on how great you look!
I like to dress-up just to feel pretty. And that is what I tell my husband. I think you should tell your husband to stop being so negative and take you out.
