Carpool Woes-- Need Advice on How to Handle!- New to Mamapedia.

I'd be tough on this kid and I'd tell his mother what is going on. If you were her, wouldn't you want to know?... If she doesn't want to know, then in the long run this might be someone you actually won't adore and want to be friends with. Might as well now know. If you think about it, the alternative to her wanting to know is she thinks it's ok for her son to be a brat. What does that say about her no matter how nice she seems?...

You absolutely need to "parent" this kid.

It's unusual that he acts this way with you and not around his parents. Usually kids are worse with their parents than with other adults.

If you are going to continue to drive him, lay down the law. Don't put up with his behavior for another moment. If you really want to help your neighbor, help her child learn proper etiquette.

Come on mom, he's only 5, and you are an adult. You should be able to fix this behavior in a couple of weeks. No 5 year old would act like that in my car for very long.

I would gladly want you to parent my child if they were in your car.

If I am volunteering to teach at school, at a Cub Scout meeting or have kids at my home or in my vehicle I EXPECT them to follow my rules. That is not parenting that is expecting respect for basic rules and my free services.

I would lay down the rules tomorrow of your expectations and tell him that if he does not obey the rules then he will be taken straight up to the door and you will talk to his mom about his inappropriate behavior.

I would be mortified to know my kid was acting this way and I would be upset if you did not talk to me about it. I know it is hard to talk to the mom about it but this is what friends do, this is what parenting is about, and it will be a good learning experience for you and this family to deal with this. Please help this boy to learn appropriate behavior when he is away from mommy.

Good luck...keep us posted on how things turn out. You are not the only one that deals with this and everyone could stand to learn from your situation.

Just want to add...

I carpool, have friend's kids over alot to play and swim and host a weekly Homework Club at my home with about 12 middle schoolers. I tell everyone up front what the rules are and I expect them to be followed or they are not invited back. One of the rules is to have fun. Guess what? I do not have problems...they usually only need one talking to and then it gets them back on track.

Something to try with this kid. It is a parenting skill/trick I learned from a child behaviorist. Once you tell the boy the rules then from then on you ask him a question about the rule if he is breaking it. Example. "Johnny..what did I say about kicking the seat? Where are your feet suppose to stay?" You get HIM to state back the rule and once it is said then you say, "Thank you..that's right. Thank you for choosing to follow the rule from now on."

It usually stuns the kid for a moment because they just stated the rule themself. Then if they do it again you repeat and then say, "And what did I say would happen if you kick the seat?" Then he will say(most likely in a mumbled voice) "Take me to my mom and tell her what I did." Then you say, "That is right Johnny. I will take you to your mom so thank you for choosing to follow the rules." It forces them to state the rule and not just have the adult harping "stop doing that" "stop touching him" Kids tend to ignore that...have him state out loud your expectations.

Good luck!

If my son were behaving this way in someone's car, then my God, I would want to know.

Just tell her, "'Max' is such a [vibrant, dynamic, spirited, pick your euphemism] kid, and I'm so happy to help you out, but I need some advice on how to handle him in the car. What do you do when he does XYZ?"

Know, too, that some young kids (especially boys) respond to unfamiliar situations by getting aggressive. So this is a normal (but un-fun) reaction at his age.

If a child is in my car I do "parent" them.

Use a commanding and serious voice and explain the "rules" of you car. If he doesn't follow the rules he gets a warning and if he does it again you tell his mom. You'll be doing this kid a big favor as his behavior will not win him any friends he needs to learn common courtesy.

Kids behavior in the car is a safety issue. I have had children of all ages in my car regularly for well over a decade and no way would I put up with this!

I agree with Rosebud. You should be able to handle this one.

I once had an issue with my friend's three year old son. I offered to watch him so she could volunteer to help at her daughter's preschool. The kid was a holy terror jumping on my furniture and being mean to my kids. I cut him some slack, but after the second day of him misbehaving, I sat him down and told him what the house rules are. (Why didn't I do this from the get-go? I never had a problem with other kids before.) I also told him that if he couldn't behave himself, I would have to tell his mother that I couldn't watch him any more. He was quite well behaved from there on out.

Don't let this five year old push your kids around and be disrespectful to you. You don't need to take that kind of BS voluntarily.

He may just be doing the freak out because it's not mom. So approach it from a "he's having a hard time adjusting" as opposed to "your son is a giant brat". Let her know what's happening. Heck, you could record it if you need to. She needs to deal with this on her end. Let her know that if your son is being challenging, you want to know so you can deal with it. Put your heads together and come up with "Carpool rules" and talk to both boys.

I think you need to find time to talk to the mom privately. Say that her son's behavior is out of control and it has become a safety issue (which it is - you need to drive). That if it doesn't stop, you will no longer be able to bring him home. I would not continue to tolerate it. If she is as nice as you think she is, she will understand and/or control her child. I would also have her come to the car when you arrive and extract her own son.

And I wouldn't sugar coat it, either. Tell her what he is doing. Being "loud" is different than "screaming". Being "spirited" is different than grabbing your son's lunch and kicking our seat.

If you have to tell him to knock it off all the time, and/or he doesn't listen, then you need to talk to Mom and not carpool.

I have had to car pool for the past 10 years and I have another 4 to go. This is about safety. Do not worry about hurting anyone's feelings. Tell her that you are worried that someone will be hurt (pedestrian, your kid, her kid) if this behavior continues. Ask her to speak with her son, ask her if there are any specific things she notices when she is driving with her kid and what works to keep him in line. Let her know you will give him a couple of days to settle down but that if he doesn't that you cannot drive him anymore. I would not feel bad about this. She seems to be taking advantage of you a bit.

I would not give up on driving him just yet (though I would keep that in my mind).

It is possible -- especially since he acts fine anywhere BUT your car -- that the issue is he's hungry and tired. This is immediately after school. He likely has not eaten since lunch, or if he buys school lunch he might hate it and eat too little, or his mom might not be packing him enough lunch if she packs it. It really is not all unusual for young kids to have rough afternoons immediately after school due mostly to being over-tired and hungry. He's five, not 15, and probably doesn't even realize he's tired and hungry; he's just mad at the world and doesn't know why.

Yes, do lay down the law with him before he enters your car (I hope you walk to the school to get the kids rather than having them leap into the car in a "pickup line") but also -- talk to his mom today and tell her you have noticed that he is cranky and argumentative right after school when you know he is well-behaved otherwise. Tell her you plan to bring both kids a snack to eat as soon as they get in the car. She can provide it or you can. The snack does two things: It occupies them for a few moments and it gives them a needed boost. Protein snacks like cheese sticks are excellent for this. Find out what he eats, though -- you don't want to make him fussier by offering him a cheese stick if he loathes cheese. This is why his mom needs to be involved here.

When a kid who is otherwise fine has sudden behavior issues that take place at the same time and in the same location consistently -- the issue may not be that he's a "devil spawn" as someone else posted. The issue may be that his blood sugar is crashing. That makes even an adult mad as a hornet.

I'm not saying this is solely a physical issue, or that he does not have any behavior issues. But it's worth talking to the mom, telling her that his immediate after-school behavior seems different from what you see otherwise, and telling her that you want to try an in-car snack for both kids and see if that helps.

Give that some time and then if he still cannot pull it together, you need to ask the parents to talk to him about "car manners" and tell him that when he is in your car, YOU are the boss of him. He also is just starting K, a time when many kids who are not used to obeying ANY adult except mom or dad realize that they are being told to do things and obey new adults, namely their teachers; he may be lashing out at you because you're yet another new adult telling him you are in charge. That is not an excuse! But it is another possible explanation. His parents need to be the ones to tell him that this is the way things are -- in school, the teacher is the one he must listen to and obey; and in your car, you are the one who's in charge.

But I'd go with the snack strategy first.

I had the same response for another mom on here not too long ago.

When he is in your car, your home, or your care, he follows YOUR RULES. That is not overstepping your bounds or "parenting" him. Nobody in this world can fault you for expecting him to follow your rules when he is in your care.

I really think you should talk to her in person or at least on the phone today. Let her know that you have been having difficulty with him following the rules. You want to help her out but in order to do that he needs to follow the rules because as this point it is stressing you out. Spell out the rules for her. "I need Max to do what I ask the first time. When I ask him to do something, he argues, slams the door or keeps on pestering".

Remind him of the rules, nicely, right when he gets in the car.

If he does not follow the rules, he needs to be aware of the consequence. Drive him home, walk him to the door, and tell his Mom that he did not follow the rules and you had a difficult day again. When he sees that you will report his misbehavior, he may well shape up.

If he does not start behaving after a few more times, simply tell gis mom that you can no longer help them with driving as he still will not follow the rules and it is too difficult. If she does not understand, she is just not a good friend.

I would just tell her it isn't working out for you and you won't be able to commit to doing it on a regular basis.

I was in a similar situation with dance carpooling two years ago. When the mom asked if I wanted to continue last year I told her I was not able to do it. It didn't go any further than that. A lot of times these things don't work out and it's not even a good idea to start them.

I would just flat out tell her you can't do it anymore. If she asks a reason why you can decide to lie or to tell her that you're having problems with her son behaving in the car.

I agree with the other moms. In your car, you're the mom, even if you're driving someone else's child. Kicking, screaming, and grabbing are not allowed in your car, and you need to lay down the law with this kid. If he doesn't act like this with his own parents, then my guess is that they don't allow him to act this way, and discipline him accordingly. I would also guess that if you were to tell his mom, his behavior would turn around immediately. However, it doesn't even need to come to that - just tell this child point-blank that he is to sit quietly and behave himself for the drive home. Good luck with your carpool!

you're not 'parenting' someone else's child by expecting and insisting on a child following reasonable safety and sanity rules while that child is under your supervision. i'll take it a step further and say that you are (with niceness and the right motivations) abdicating a necessary responsibility to that child and your own by permitting unacceptable behavior.
i'm sure you would NOT want another parent to 'shield' you from the knowledge if your child were behaving this way, would you?
you don't have to present in an accusatory fashion. be matter-of-fact about it, simple but honest. 'mary, we need to come up with a coping technique for my driving days with percival. my rules are no screaming, kicking or grabbing other people's things while i'm driving, but he's not listening. what consequence should WE give him for breaking the rules?'
don't ask him to knock it off. tell him. in your momvoice.
if he slams the door, you bring him right back and tell him to shut it correctly, and if he refuses or slams it again, you march him to his mother and she'd better deal with it. they both should know that if he does it again, the rides are over.
shorter responses if he invites himself over to play. 'nope. time for you to go home now.' you can decline the argument. you're the adult. attitude isn't your problem.
boundaries are your friend.
khairete
S.

Well, you;re not technically carpooling since she doesn't drive your son anywhere. You're just doing her a huge favor. I would have a stern talk with this boy the next time you drive him. Spell out YOUR rules for riding in YOUR car. If he acts up again, talk to the mother and tell her what's going on. If he still continues to act up, tell his mother you aren't able to deal with it and she'll have to figure something else out.

I always had to wake my little ones up early, or skip naps altogether to get the older one(s) from school.

"Dear spawn of the devil child - I realized today that I completely forgot to inform you of the rules that apply in my car. When you are in my car, you are not allowed to scream, hit, kick, throw things, slam doors, etc. I'm trying to drive the car and keep you and my son safe and I can't do that if you do any of the things I just mentioned. So, here's the deal - you will follow ALL the rules starting today. If you decide to break the rules, I'll inform your parents and they can decide a punishment. My punishment will be that I won't drive you home from school any more."

I'd have a quick conversation with the Mom ahead of time and let her know that the boys have been making it impossible for you to concentrate on driving the car safely and you've established some basic rules. I'd also tell her that you will have a close to zero tolerance for broken rules since it's a safety issue and you want to be able to return her angel to her at the end of the day. THEN STICK TO YOUR GUNS!~ good luck!

You are going to have to establish your own authority with this child. I would tell the mom what's going on and that the next time you have to drive him, you are going to stop him before he gets in the car and let him know that there will be no seat kicking, grabbing of anything/touching anyone else's stuff, use inside voices, and no arguing/backtalk. If he does not mind these rules, then you are going to tell his mom that you can't drive him anymore. And then that's what I would do. If he continues, I would simply tell the mom that it is not working out. If she really values your help, she will get him under control

I had a somewhat similar situation when one of my sons was in Kinder, except the other mom did reciprocate - and my son was acting up too.

I was honest with the other mom and said "I think our sons are just not ready to carpool yet - they seem to get each other wound up and out of control." She readily agreed LOL and it was no big deal.

I think you need to flat out tell this mom "look, I wish I could help because I know you have little ones still at home, but this just isn't working. It seems like he's not ready for carpooling yet - he's really acting out on the way home. Let's re-visit the issue next year perhaps."

Take charge - be kind but honest. Again, be kind.

I wouldn't subject my kids to this any longer, even though it is only 2 days a week.

I would tell the Mom.... about what her son is doing.
And that you can't do it.
Beyond that... you NEED to think about liability and about car safety and while driving. If something should happen while you are driving that boy in your car.... and while he is acting like a nightmare... you will be at fault.
And, he does not listen to you... so even if you did "parent" him and scold him... he would not, listen.
So you are then back at square one.
So, I would TELL THE MOM, about her son's behavior and how you cannot drive him anymore.
AND, it is causing misery, for YOUR son. So if that were me, *I* would not, continue to drive that boy.

And do not have that boy invited to your house after school. IF you do, even just one time... it will then become a HABIT... and a continuous ordeal of that boy wanting to invite himself over after school.
And then the Mom, will also see it as a routine. You will then have that boy, in your car and driving him home, plus him coming over to your house after school. AND your son, will be miserable. And you too.
Why put yourself, in that position? Because this boy is bossy and ill behaved.

Video the boy, acting like that.
Because, if the Mom does not believe you, then you will have proof.

lol " you straighten up or so help me I"ll pull this car over right this minute!"

You need to lay down the rules of the car for the little boy, and make sure his parents are also aware of the rules (no screaming, no kicking the seat, no arguing with adults, no slamming the door etc.). Write the rules down if necessary. Tell the parents that there have been some issues you need to work on, and keep them appraised of the progress. Let them know that these issues need to improve if you are to continue with this arrangement. When you drop him off you can tell mom "I had to talk to Johnny about screaming in the car again today." Hopefully his parents will work on it with him as well. Whenever you have care and control of another persons young child you do need to parent that child to some extent.

I sort of have the same problem. I am driving two kids out of the kindness of my heart to school and back. The family is in a bad situation, so I feel good helping, but the Kindergarten daughter screams on occasion, kicks seats, wouldn't get out of the car, etc. Today she hit my 1st grade son because he just waved his finger at her in a silly manner.

I have threatened to tell her mom but not sure what good that's going to do. I think the girl acts out because of frustration at home. She also begs to come over and I do the same thing as you- try to say another time or maybe. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

If it keeps happening, you may have to tell the mom that he is acting up and maybe she'll discipline him. If he still misbehaves, then you may have to stop driving him.

I think this kid may be frustrated with something and is acting out in your car

Didn't read the other replies, but it sounds like you've gotten some good advice. If my son was acting like that in another person's car, I would absolutely want to know about it. So I don't think you should feel bad at all about telling the mom. Tell her you are more than happy to continue driving him if she can help address the behaviors in the car. I'm thinking that he realized he can get away with it so he's continuing to do it, and probably getting worse, because there haven't been consequences yet.

Also, if he has several younger siblings, he's probably screaming for attention. I'm sure he wants to play at your house after school because his mom is busy taking care of the younger ones. Not to say his mom ignores him, of course, but just because it is hard to give everyone the attention they need when you have more than one child.