Carpools, Am I the Only One Having Problems?

I would just let her know this isn't working for you and she needs to make other plans. Life is too short...

I do carpool and the division of labor is clear. She drops off in the morning, and I pick up. Even when my daughter is out sick, I still honor my commitment and pick up her daughter.

It sounds like when you made the arrangements the expectations were not clearly set. Time to discuss it with her.

With 4 kids in activities I can tell you that carpools work in theory but when push comes to shove someone always ends up doing more than their fair share. The way that's always worked for me is to call the other parent and be very straight forward. "Hi. When we set up the carpool I was to drive XXXX days and you were to drive XXXX. It seems like something has come up that makes this schedule no longer work for you. Would you like to change something that fits your schedule or should we pull the plug on carpooling?" If you deal with it like a business transaction instead of getting emotional then the other parent will either change the schedule or agree to drive his/her own kid. If they change something and they fail to follow through my next and last call was to say "Sorry but carpooling isn't working out as planned so I'll just be driving my own kiddo."

Some of my kids friends had single moms so I would drive both ways and let the kids stay at my house until their mom picked them up. Its hard to raise a good kid so I felt that since she was doing her best it didn't hurt me to help out a little more. But that was communicated up front before any driving happened so it was totally my choice.

Sounds like this isn't working.
So end it.

I don't like carpooling. I'm happy to give any other kids that need rides a ride, as long as I have the availability to do so, and it's not hugely inconvenient. But I don't like to depend on other people. I've had issues that the other kids are not ready on time. Or other families not telling me until the last minute that they have another commitment that would put my kid at practice 20 minutes late (but they'll still come?). Or the kids have a tiff and pull the "we aren't driving you" texting and parents are left to soothe it over or change plans at the last minute so everyone drives their own kid. I've also had kids miscommunicate and tell me the other parent was picking up, when in fact, they were expecting me to come, so the coaches had to wait around extra late. I just told my daughter if any of your friends want a ride, tell them they need to be at our house at X time. If anyone needs a ride home, I take them. But I like to drive every time when at all possible.

Call her and say "hey, (insert childs name here) hasnt been coming to practice. whats going on? would it be more convenient if we switched days for carpooling?" if they go to different schools, then im assuming you two live in two different cities which means you are going out of your way to bring her child home. if this is the case, then you need to let her know that youre not going to spend your time driving her son home if shes not willing to follow through on her commitment of driving the kids home on her day. where im from, we dont really have this issue. me and the other moms dont have any issue with dropping off kids and helping out. if one of the kids friends calls and asks for a ride, they know ill be more than willing to give them one if its not too far out of the way. if im already heading in that direction anyways i tell my kids, let them know ill be there at this time so they have to be ready by then. this normally works out fine because my kids friends are willing to drive my kids places and help out too.

I've never done car pooling. I like to have too much control.

Did you ask her what's going on? Or, after one of the days when she doesn't show, did you give her a call and say (firmly but politely) hey - can you let me know if you aren't going to be at practice so I can plan my day? I was counting on you to be there on Wednesday, and it really put me in a bind when you didn't show.

I agree it's annoying, but you need to communicate before you really get frustrated.

ETA: The alternative is that you could accept that maybe she's flaky, stop counting on her to help you, and keep helping out her child. Don't think of it as a favor to her, think of it as a favor to a kid with no control over his situation. It's not his fault his mom is a flake.

I'd ask her very directly because this has gone on for a solid month now:

"The past four weeks, every Wednesday, YourChild hasn't been at practices so I have stayed and driven MyChild home. I haven't gotten a call from you on those days that YourChild wans' staying. Has there been a change in YourChild's schedule that means we need to rearrange our carpool? Wednesday was your day to drive both kids home after practice and if you are not there I have to stay and drive, which wasn't in my plans. But if things have changed, I need to know so either we can rearrange some days or we stop carpooling."'

That will get her attention. Just be direct but also polite in your tone. They might have hit a slew of doctor appointments after school, or other family problems might be creating a storm of Wednesdays where practice got dropped, and they might not even realize that it's been a whole month of this. You do have a right to know whether they are going to participate or not. But I've learned that sometimes when people flake out or drop out of sight there are bigger things going on with their family.

Frankly, if you would be there anyway on Mondays and the other kid's home is not out of your way much, I'd still bring him or her home on Mondays, especially if NOT having a ride home with you would mean that her kid would have to drop this sport. In other words, make sure that you don't inadvertently deny the kid this activity if you could do this without mom's reciprocation. Not "fair, " I know, and not the deal you made, but until you know more or the mom steps up again, I'd still give the kid a ride if possible.

I was in a situation with a family where the kid would have not made it to a class each week if I didn't take him (due to parents' work schedules), and that would have created real problems at the activity he and my kid do; however, in that case, the mom provided rides to mine just on an as-needed basis when something comes up for me--not on a weekly schedule like your carpool. So there wasn't a week by week reciprocation that was missing, in our case.

If this other mom's kid is expected to be at practices twice a week and isn't going to be there, you're soon going to be just driving your own child anyway -- hers will end up off the team if he or she isn't practicing as required.

Have you communicated with her? If she's that flaky I'd probably just send her a message letting her know you won't be able to carpool anymore, no explanation needed.

I totally understand. We were in a carpool of three families to and from school that slowly dwindled to only two of us doing all of the driving due to a horrible divorce situation in family 3. They needed help, and we were glad to provide it. However, the kid slowly became the rudest and most intolerable nightmare in the car. We tried and tried to talk to mom about it and tried to understand their circumstances but it was awful. Always holding us up to the point of being perpetually tardy, constantly having to turn around because she forgot something. It was unbearable.
We decided to just end the whole carpool at the beginning of a school year, and she had to start riding the bus. After about 6 months, her attitude toward her private taxi sure changed! We slowly started giving her rides again, and this time around it was a lot better.
I would really talk to the other parent and let them know you feel like things are a little one sided. Maybe ask if switching nights would work out better for their schedule (as long as it works for you, too).
Good luck!

You are being taken advantage of.

On Monday's she shows up but NOT on Wednesday's? Have you asked her WHY she doesn't show up?
What does she say when she shows up to YOUR home??
I'm confused about what is happening here....you are to pick the boys up from WHERE and take them WHERE?? Her son is WHERE on Wednesdays???

I don't have problems with carpools. I try to make sure that my expectations are stated as well as the other people involved.

I drop off and other mom picks up. She is in the medical field so is sometimes on call. She lets me know this in advance. Still keeps her days unless she is called in then I am understanding and she picks up a drop off to "make up" for my double duty.

So far so good...but it has only been sense January should go through May.

It happens sometimes, but since the kids I am driving don't live out of my way it doesn't really matter too much.

Have something come up on the day you drive them. That way she's left high and dry too.

If she has a valid reason for it happening, like she got called in to work or something then I'd feel like letting her know she needs to pay for your gas or something. But if it's just "we didn't feel like going" then on your day "I don't feel like driving your kids home" becomes a valid excuse in my book.

Sounds like you got suckered. Tell her this week is the end of carpooling, no need to give her a reason. Or you can 'man up' and tell her the truth.

I've been waiting to share my story but was trying to stay positive in real life, and not express how irritated i am with my hubby and the other carpool family.
hubby arranged for me to car pool with another family. ( In his mind he will be doing some of the driving, but in reality he might do it 2 x a month if his past work and activity schedule is any indication there rest of the time 2x per week it will be me.)
2 nights ago was the first practice, I went to the girls house, no one was home. walked over to the neighbors thinking maybe i had the wrong house ( hubby hadn't given me an address just his verbal directions from the time he was there over the summer.) neighbor says yeah looks like the family isn't home they dont have set hours. I go back adn wait some more, after a total of 20 minutes i decided to just take my dd with out this other girl and the family drives up.
opps sorry just got out of work, didn't know where dad had kids. I gave her my cell number since i had her kid at this point. i should have taken her's but she told me she would call soon and let me know if her hubby would be picking the girls up.

practice is close to being over, i never heard anything from her.

the whole thing made me insane, now she is supposed to come pick my child up tonight and practice starts in 10 mins and we live 10 mins away. now i have to decide how long i wait for her to show before I just take my kiddo. and then do i trust she will pick up on time?

hubby wants the 2 girls to be best buddies since they like each other but this isn't worth it to me.

So yes, i am having carpool trouble too. and /*thank you for lettign get my story out.

Ask to switch days and see if that helps. We carpool a lot and only cancel if our child is sick. We text often with the other families to confirm pickup times and days, since the sports aren't always on set days. Maybe a text on their day to confirm would be helpful? You could even say that you have something going on and can't drive home, so you are confirming that they are picking up.

Could you switch days with her?

I wonder if this is intentional. I would think a normal person who say "You have been driving my child every Monday and I have not returned the favor as planned. I will be happy to drive your child on Monday since I seem to not be able to get my act together on Wednesday."

I personally do not mind driving other kids. What does annoy me is when I go to drop them off as planned and the mother is MIA. When I make contact via text she wants me to wait for her in the driveway until she returns. I drove to the store and made her come out to get her son. It was extremely rude since she is a known offender of this. She was not even close to being done grocery shopping. Honestly super rude since she knew the time.

Updated

Could you switch days with her?

I wonder if this is intentional. I would think a normal person who say "You have been driving my child every Monday and I have not returned the favor as planned. I will be happy to drive your child on Monday since I seem to not be able to get my act together on Wednesday."

I personally do not mind driving other kids. What does annoy me is when I go to drop them off as planned and the mother is MIA. When I make contact via text she wants me to wait for her in the driveway until she returns. I drove to the store and made her come out to get her son. It was extremely rude since she is a known offender of this. She was not even close to being done grocery shopping. Honestly super rude since she knew the time.

You need to ask her. "We agreed on me picking up Mondays and you picking up Weds, but for the last month, my child has needed me to pick up both days. Is this temporary - was there an illness or schedule conflict - or is it just not going to work for you?" You might also consider swapping Mondays if her kid is there Mondays more often. Bottom line - if it doesn't work, speak up and end the arrangement.

So it's been a month of her doing no driving? Well then it's not exactly carpooling. I would just call her up and ask her about it. Just say something like "Just wondering if so and so will be coming on Wednesdays or if I need to plan to drive my son both days.".

For me, carpooling has to be fair and if someone's situation changes, they need to be the ones to approach the others and explain what the new situation is. If it's just a week or two, no biggie - but how do you know this won't continue, so just ask :)

ETA: We don't carpool much here - but we offer drives and take drives as needed only with people we know quite well. I find people's schedules change or kids are sick - so unless you have a really solid family to carpool with, it's not always worth it (as you may have discovered).

One thing you left out - How well do you know her?