Can a Child Learn to Self Soothe at Night If Even I Can't Soothe Him Sometimes?

Your son, seems to be a sensitive being.
Meaning, to routines and stimuli. Even if that is him having an ear ache. That is still, stimuli. An icky feeling one.
And you, are the one thing that comforts him and is constant to him.
So, don't know, what will get him out of that.

My firstborn, was very sensory sensitive. To any sounds or smells etc. And she also had a sensitive tummy per gas.
Anyway, even a toilet flushing down the hall, would wake her screaming.
For example.
I also co-slept with her when she was younger. Then from about 3-4 years old, she just naturally slept better. And was less sensitive to noises etc.

Also, though I'd co-sleep with her at times, it was not all night. We also had a floor futon in our room. And THAT is where, she could, if needed, sleep. For any reason or if/when she was sick. We explained this to her. And this worked, for us. She got sleep, and we got sleep. She didn't wake us when she came in our room to go on the floor futon. She just went there and fell asleep.
It was a good sleep compromise for her, and us.
By then, I had my 2nd child. Who was a baby at that time.
*And NO... my daughter did NOT climb up into our bed, from the floor futon. She stayed there. With no battles. She was in, our room. And that was good for her. The floor futon was not next to our bed on the side. But on the other side of the room.

Your son is of a certain personality. Your 2nd baby is of another personality. Hence different sleeping abilities and habits and needs.
I know it is hard, but try the floor mattress thing.
It worked for us.

And stop blaming yourself.
And tell your Husband, to stop blaming you.
What is, is. Your son is his own person. And each child, is different. If all kids/babies were the same.... then no parent would have any difficulties or conundrums.

You also, need to talk with your son. In ways he will understand.
He finds you, comforting. Sure, you are his Mom. You are always there for him. Nothing wrong with that. But, perhaps, try encouraging him to be a "Team" with you. Meaning... telling him things like "Help Mommy... to sleep. You are a big boy, I help you but you also need to help Mommy. Mommy gets tired. I need sleep to take care of everyone. You can sleep on the mattress on the floor. That is your place now. And Mommy is nearby. In the same room. Try for Mommy, okay?"
And hopefully, he also has a Lovey????
If not, get him one, that he chooses.
My son, loved to sleep with a stuffed animal... and he would rub that, all night. To comfort himself.

And, tell your Husband, if he is a snorer at night... that HE may even be waking up your son at night. By his snoring.
Because, it is the parent's sleep noises too, that can wake a baby or child at night.

If your Husband is so "negative" to your son or about your son because of his sleep habits... if I were a kid, I wouldn't want to go to sleep with him, either.

Also, your son is 29 months. 2 years old, is commonly, a very hard time per age, per sleep. It is developmental and per all the changes they are going through.
Remember that, their cognition is also changing AND their imaginations. So, it is a lot to adapt to, for a 2 year old.
But I have found, that from about 3 years old, a child naturally.... hits a different stage, per sleep. And they become better at it with less wakings.
So remember that.
Your child, is not so, odd.
And, from 2 years old, a child also starts to have, nightmares and general "fears" of things or the dark or anything. Again, it is all developmental based. And you can't just turn it off like a light switch. Their brains/cognition and imaginations, are changing. And their emotions, are not even fully developed yet, nor their self control.

Right now no one is sleeping well. So really, you have nothing to loose by sleep training, and everything to gain.

1. Get some rest yourself, (whether it is napping during the day, or getting a friend/ sitter/ hotel room etc to get 3+ hour blocks of sleep).

2. Embark on sleep training. Some go cold turkey, and lock the kid in a room and let them CIO all night, and put earplugs in themselves. others use an interim measure like Ferber's graduated waiting, or the baby whisperer, or you could use the small steps approach of the mattress.

3. Whatever method you use, you have to be prepared to stand your guns for 4-7 nights. Consistency is key.

4. your kid is 29 months, he can be "sold" on the idea. practice and script going to sleep in the new big boy routine, whatever that might be.

5. if you don't try something different, things will likely remain the same.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I think that you got some good advice yesterday about sleep training him. You just have to do it. No, it's not going to be easy, but you can do it.

There are a few good books out there. If you are really upset by making your son cry (which I think you need to just get over, but that's just me), perhaps the 'No Cry Sleep Solution' might be for you.

I, personally, am okay with a child crying. They eventually sleep. Today I have two boys who are exceptional sleepers (10 and 12). They've slept through the night since...about 8ish months I think it was. But I never allowed them in my bed after 6 months (and even then it was only on occasion during a feeding).

You're going to have a battle ahead of you, mama. Fight it now, or fight it later...but you're going to have to fight it.

To answer your question, yes, he can learn to self soothe, but it won't happen overnight. I, personally, would put him in his own room at this point. You will need to be firm and consistent, but it will be best for everyone in the long run.

My daughter was a nightmare when we moved to a big girl bed. She got up, cried, begged for my husband to sleep on her rug, everything. It took about a week of being consistent and continually just putting her back to bed and closing the door, not giving into her crying (obviously listening to see if she was hurt or in pain), etc, but then she learned to fall asleep on her own. Now, we read her a story, sing a song, say prayers, and turn out the light.

Be consistent mama, it's hard, but it is worth it.

Sounds like your real question is whether or not you should attempt some sort of sleep training plan or whether you should not, is that correct?

What is your alternative--kick husband to the sofa? You never getting any quality sleep? What? Something has to give. I'm assuming since you are here posting about it, that you have reached your limit with the status quo. So of course you will have to sleep train. The only real question then, is how you plan to go about it.

You could use a mattress on the floor to start. But yes, you will have to be firm and not give in and let him into your bed. Or it will be a waste of your time to try.
Personally, I am thinking that a better method might be to do the opposite: Put him in a bed in his own room, and YOU start out in there with him and gradually remove yourself from his space. That way, your husband doesn't get disturbed during the inevitable wake ups and crying you may encounter. It sounds like you have taken the lead and full responsibility for night time care with your son, and so husband wants you to deal with the fall out from it. I don't know how you arrived at your original night time care routine, but from what you posted before, I'm going to guess husband was less than enthused about co-sleeping?

Many moms will tell you to insist on Dad being part of this sleep training, but I am not going to tell you that. I don't think it will help. Your son sees YOU as his comfort/soothing tool and only you can fix it. If you substitute Dad, he is just going to blame Dad and still insist upon you. But if you just slowly remove yourself, then he has no one to "blame" and will learn to soothe himself other ways.
Does your son have a lovey? (A special blanket, stuffed animal, etc).

Do you have the space to put him in a bed in his own room, and room for you there also, so you can slowly retreat from the space over time?

I don't think that putting him on a mattress next to your bed will work. You'll spend most of the night fending him off, as he stands next to your bed and cries. And then you'll give in out of exhaustion.

What kind of bed does he have in his room? If you can sleep with him in his bed, do that - with a lovey of some kind with you. Once he's used to being in his room, then start leaving after he is asleep. And put a gate on his door so he can't come out. At that point, you're basically doing a cry-it-out method, but in your situation I don't see much other choice.

Also, if he is starting to learn his numbers, put a digital clock in his room and tell him he can't leave until the first number is a 6.

I think you may have just answered your own question. Is this a battle you are willing to take on and if so, how far would you stretch it? I dont think you should just throw your son in his room and let him fend for himself. some kids dont have the ability to self soothe at such a young age, sometimes it comes a little bit later on. i wouldnt be so quick to put him in his room and say "there, now you soothe yourself back to sleep"... you might scare him. some kids have night terrors at this age and are just plain afraid to go to sleep. i can tell you right now, this probably wont be an easy fix as we are still battling this same issue at my house and my son will be turning four in july. just within the last week, he has started sleeping on the couch instead of his bed and that is ok because he usually stays there until about 1-2 am where he then comes to our bed. hey.. at least we get some adequate sleep. some kids are just not good sleepers until they are older... i think the idea of the mattress is a good place to start! i just cant imagine letting my kid scream it out for hours on end in his room. breaks my heart. he says that monsters pound on his window. i think he is just scared now.

Truthfully, mom? From your descriptions, I think you may have a child with ADHD. I may be totally off here, but so many kids who are diagnosed in the early school years are kids who have never slept well. The parents of those kids learned early on that sleeping with those kids was absolute hell and either would NOT sleep with them, or got them out of their beds early.

Yes, those 4 nights you were in the hospital were tough. Everyone in the house was trying to "deal" with your son. He had everyone's attention and he thrived on it. You weren't there and he let everyone have it because of it.

I could see staying with him if he were not keeping everyone awake. Though you did allow it in the first place by not moving him into a crib from the start, you didn't make your son this way. He is hardwired this way. Your husband is certainly frustrated, and I don't blame him, but he is wrong about you being the reason.

For your sanity and your marriage's sake, you do need to just bite the bullet. Your son isn't sleeping anyway. You and your husband aren't sleeping. You will have to just do this thing.

If you truly want to fix this, you will NOT let him crawl up off that mattress into your bed. You will say no everytime. Put your hand on his stomach and say "Stay on your bed or I will send you out of this room." If he continues to cry, tell him that if he does not be quiet, he can cry in his room. If he doesn't believe you, put him in his room and leave him there.

If you don't say what you mean and mean what you say, you are an ineffective and wishy-washy parent. Decide that you will be strong and save your health and your marriage by standing up to your little tyrant and showing him who is the boss. Enough already of letting him rule your home!!!

If you don't think this battle is worth it, then you are consigning yourself to many more categories of this child doing what he wants and you allowing it. What's going to happen when he starts fighting with his baby brother because you are spending time with him? Are you going to give up on that battle too? Of course you aren't. But it's all the same thing. He's determined to have what he wants when he wants it and make all the adults in his family jump through his hoops. This makes a kid grow up to be awful.

Don't allow it, mom. Stand up to this child and be the parent.

Hi. What a tough situation you're all in right now. Your son may be confused or threatened by the new baby in the family. I think sending him off on his own at this delicate time may not get you good results. I think you should speak to your pediatrician about his sleep habits. You could also try putting epsom salt in his bath before bed. Use at least 1 full cup and have him soak for at least 20 minutes. One of my friends tried this with her son and said it was like a miracle. I hope it works for you too, otherwise, definitely speak to the doctor.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.
R.

You'll do what you choose of course and I wish you the best with all of this --- but the truth is self soothing ideology is a fat lie. What will it produce in the long run?

What is happening during the day time? What is out of balance?

Have you read The Happiest Toddler on the Block, you may want to check it out. Another good one is You Are Your Child's First Teacher, another one, Simplicity Parenting, another, Beyond the Rainbow Bridge, Nuturing our Children from Birth to Seven

I think you'll get some real value from any or all of these books and will help you figure this out.

The best to you and your's

In short, I think it's really bad timing to launch into a new sleep training program with a newborn. I could nothing but more regression with that plan.

I do highly recommend that you put your 2 yr old son on a futon, or bed of blankets next to you, on your side of the bed. Place some of his favorite stuffed animals, or toy trains, and a few books. Read to him and baby down there, making it a happy space. And then have him go to sleep there. Yes, he will climb back up, but be firm and kind, and say no, you're busy with the baby. If he's truly that stubborn, and won't ever stay down there, then I've got nothing. My kids were always a bit reasonable. I'd probably buy a lock for their bedroom and lock them in to catch some sleep if I was that desperate.

GL!