Breaking Bad Habit

I might be on the liberal end of this argument, but that sounds like a really big, difficult transition for a one year old to take place all at once. To go completely cold turkey, from the comfort and security of sleeping snuggled up next to mommy, able to nurse when needed, to a completely different room, all alone in the crib. Personally, I wouldn't do it. I didn't do it. I co-slept with my son, and he is still in my room at 4 1/2. He sleeps in a twin bed that is pushed between the wall and my bed. We have our own space, but are still close. He has a bed in his room, and he has slept in there, but in general, prefers to be close to me. And I'm fine with that. I know there will come a time all too soon when he will not want to be sleeping next to me, and that's ok too, when he decides it. But for now, I am going to enjoy having my son with me while he wants to be.

I know this doesn't work for everyone, and if it's not working for you, then you need to find a way to change your situation. But I think you need to give some more thought to the change you're requiring your son to make, and hopefully someone here can give you some less abrupt ideas for how to transition him to his own room. I wouldn't feel good about sending him to his own room cold turkey. And at 1, he's had plenty of time to get really used to having you next to him... And I don't call having my son sleep next to me a "bad habit." We appreciate the time to connect, and it is a wonderful bonding experience. I know not everyone sees it that way, but co-sleeping isn't a "bad habit" to everyone...

Best wishes.

A little crying is completely natural and probably even a healthy workout. But if he works up a real hard, gasping roar or wail, he's in real emotional distress that has physical and psychological implications. The large release of the stress hormone cortisol into the system during a cry like that has a direct effect on the brain, and repeated events actually change the size and functioning of some brain regions. Increased stress makes sleep more elusive, too. There's a fair amount of recent research on this; google "cortisol and infant brain" for more information.

To think of a one-year-old as "stubborn" may keep moms from recognizing that all behaviors (even in adults) are strategies to get some need met. Needs, whether physical (comfort) or emotional (connection) are legitimate; we all have them. But babies have very limited ways of making their needs known. Hard or sustained crying in a child so young is always a signal that some need is not being met.

That doesn't mean you can't gradually coach him to become accustomed to sleeping away from you. But I wouldn't do it "cold turkey," which could really tear away at trust and bonding, and result in an even needier, more demanding child. Or, what is even sadder, a child who has given up on getting his needs met, and learns to settle.

I learned during long talks with my mom that she let me and two of my younger sisters cry, quite a lot, apparently, because she thought that was the best way to train us. At least partly because of that dynamic, one of my sisters became intense and demanding (she was the "stubborn" one), and was constantly creating havoc in the family, in spite of extremely harsh and almost constant discipline. The other sis and I became sad, quiet, and apathetic. It took me many years as an adult to work my way through that early training so that I could take hold of my life and understand my deep conviction that it was never okay to ask for anything. Ever. From anybody. My childhood and young adulthood were hard, lonely, and sad. And I doubt that I will ever feel close to my mother. My sis joined Scientology to try to work through her issues, without much success.

I tell you this as a cautionary tale, and realize that all babies are unique and family dynamics add layers of complexity that cloud simple answers. I hope you'll keep in mind that the "habit" you are describing is really a pattern that you established and that your son has become reliant on. Your sudden decision to alter it won't make any kind of emotional sense to him.

Might you consider creating more space between you in smaller steps? For example, it sounds like his crib is a place that now represents separation and possibly desolation to him, certainly not a place of comfort and relaxation.

So, if he's currently in bed with you, how about having him spend some parts of the night in his own crib but near you, so you can quickly comfort him when he cries? As he adapts to that, extend the time periods in the crib. Once he becomes able to relax in his crib, you can move it to another room. As he matures, he'll be able to accept those changes better – in fact, many co-sleeping babies never have trouble making a transition to their own beds once they become more mobile and are able to use speech to express themselves and understand explanations.

This does not sound like a bad habit to me! This sounds totally normal and so does your son. In no way does he sound stubborn. At one, he should be nursing a lot still and prefer you to any cup. He's nursing for all kinds of nourishment. His physical needs and emotional needs are intertwined. I would encourage you to read Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution to gently adjust your son to his own bed. I co-slept with all three of my kids and they all sleep on their own in their own beds now. What we did was first move them to a futon or mattress on the floor. That way I could still nurse them to sleep or at night and still get some rest myself. Gradually, that happened less and less and they slept on their own more and more. For my middle child, who gave me the most challenges, I used No Cry Sleep Solution when she was around 1 year old to help us encourage her to sleep longer periods and help my sleep deprivation.

Good luck. And please remember your son is not stubborn. He is only trying to be close to his mama, which is most normal and natural.

My suggestions may not be completely helpful, because I didn't breastfeed past 3 months, but I still wanted to share what we did. Our little one hated her crib. We would pick her up and just hover her over it and she started kicking and screaming, so I completely understand the whole stubborn part. I simply just had to move her into her own bed, not a crib.
I have a love/hate feeling about co-sleeping. I started doing it because I was traveling with her to visit my ill mother. We had no choice but to sleep together the first 6 months of her life. So, I had already gotten her used to it. When we couldn't take it anymore (she's a wild sleeper, and so is my boyfriend, so I literally got beat up every night), we moved her to her own big girl bed. We waited until she was steadily walking, and moved her, and she's never looked back.
I realize that may not work for everyone, but its worth a shot. Maybe put the crib mattress next to your bed for starters? We did try the "cry it out" method, which our ped told us about. It didn't work for us. She really just hated her crib, plain and simple. Even the ped came to that conclusion. She never has, and still doesn't like to be confined. Good Luck!

Hi, Proud Momma -
Sounds like you and your son have some transitions to make. It will all happen, partly when you want it to, and partly when he wants it to. You'll be in synch soon enough, and he will grow out of these things. I don't have any specific advice to offer on HOW to make the changes you talk about, but I want to offer something about WHY. The why should be only because it's right for you, your husband and your son. How long your son nurses or co-sleeps is up to you, and should not be dictated by the opinions of others. Do it when you and ready, when it feels natural for your son, and not because you feel any societal pressure based on some arbitrary timetable. Relax, Momma. It will all be just fine. Enjoy your beautiful boy.

Sounds like a "high need baby" rather than a "stubborn baby". Please take a look at Dr. Sears' book The Fussy Baby, before you make any sudden sleeping arrangement changes. Some children are just more needy of our attention than others. They don't adapt well to sudden changes to their routines or arrangements. To let a child like this "cry it out" just adds to their insecurity and stress so I do not recommend it. Gradual change with their needs and personality in mind is much better. Another helpful book is Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.
My first child was a lot like your son and so all the advice from well meaning parents and books just didn't apply. So, my husband and I just had to muddle through parenting her. We learned that change in routine and habits had to occur over weeks to months instead of days, "crying it out" made things worse, and consistency was the key to lasting success. Today she's 5 1/2 years old, puts herself to bed after a simple bedtime routine, and sleeps 10 plus hours straight. Hard to believe that this is the same girl who didn't sleep through the night until 18-20 months old, and woke 4-6 times nightly between age 6-18 months.
Every child is different so sometimes parenting books don't help. Follow your instincts, go slow with change, and offer lots of reassurance. There's really nothing wrong with rocking a child to sleep at night either. I did it with all my kids until around age 2 when they asked to fall asleep in their own bed. Best wishes. R., nurse-midwife mom of 3

I encourage you to read, The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.

It is ok for him to cry. Do it for 5 minutes at a time, I used a timer to be sure I did not cave and go in early. After 5 minutes go in and comfort without picking him up if possible. I used to rub my sons back and sing or talk softly. Once calm, leave. If he starts to fuss put another 5 minutes on the timer and repeat the process. He is one, so he has learned some bad habits that will take some time to break. It will be a hard few days, but once he gets it it will be so worth it in the end to have some good sleep and to have your marital bed back!

If you want to make the transition a little easier, maybe get him sleeping in his crib in your room first, and than once he can handle that move the crib into his room.

HE does not sound stubborn....you have just prepared this wonderful environment for him now you are changing it on him:) You need to give him time and you and your husband time to adjust. I personally do not think cold turkey works for these little ones:) I have a one year old and eight year old.
I recommend the no cry sleep solution book- gives great things that work and in time it will happen.
I personally would not let him cry more than 10-15 minutes...you can tell if he is just wimpering or a full blown hysterical.
Put yourself in his shoes and think about what it would feel like if someone out of the blue said, OK- time for a sleeping change:) when all he knows is your comfort and love. IT will take time. No rush, it will happen:)
I think it is great you still nurse and co-sleep! Best thing for you and him.
But the main thing is to look at the situation and ask yourself who is wanting these changes- if it is you- then awesome but if you are getting pressure from outsiders that this is not normal you need to look at that too.
Hang in there- it will all work out- you all just need a transition time:)

so many wise mamas!

I am in complete agreement with the moms who wrote that he's not stubborn. Being stubborn about something means that he is very sure of what he wants and he's sticking to it. It's a great trait. He knows what he needs and likes and doesn't understand why all of the sudden it's changing...warmth and cuddling and milk are wonderful for babies. Why would he cooperate about being moved to a cold crib where he's alone?

Comfort is a legitimate need, too. We forget and label our babies, but we all like to be comforted. He's still navigating this big world, learning new things every minute and sometimes it helps to be close. We co-slept with all three of our kids, and one of the best times in my life was when I stopped feeling guilty about it. It's natural and helps attachment, which leads to healthier, happier kids. Sticking him in a crib when he doesn't understand losing this comforting tradition of being by his parents can be a harsh lesson for a child. What they take out of it can be an idea that their needs don't get met, or that mommy goes away, or that they should just give up, or get more clingy...it depends on the child. But I would really research crying it out before you do it. It's hard for a reason. It causes damage. When they finally give up and go to sleep it's because their body has released a narcotic in response to the incredible levels of stress hormones. It's not a pleasant experience for anyone, and there are kind and gentle ways to make the transition.

We still have my 3 year-old in the bed, and we are slowly transitioning her to a chair/ottoman in the room (with blankets and a pillow, it has soft sides and it's pretty perfect as a toddler bed. We don't push it too much, and she doesn't mind when we put her there. She usually winds up back in our bed sometime in the middle of the night. But when it's time she won't have negative associations with it--no memories of screaming and feeling abandoned! We have two older kids who also slept with us and they are so well-adjusted, independent, attached, and easy to parent. It wasn't a big deal. Sleep is never a big deal. They all like to sleep.

I hope you find what you're looking for. I agree that the No Cry Sleep Solution is a good resource. Just spend some time looking at it from his point of view, and consider why you are feeling like co-sleeping is a bad idea. I'm sure you got a lot more sleep this last year than most of the parents who stuck their kids in a separate room. I'm sure your little boy is more bonded to you both because of it. I'm sure you got some really sweet cuddle time that you'll always treasure! A year is just an arbitrary age. I hope you continue co-sleeping and breastfeeding for as long as it works. I wish you lots of luck and I support your decision to co-sleep with your little angel--you were being a good mom! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

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Well, I co-slept with my oldest (now 6) for many years. #2 (who is 2) is in his own bed, but his Dad has a bed in his room (we don't like him to wake up and freak out for other reasons). #3 (who is 9 months) is in my bed at 9 months.

I both love & hate co-sleeping. If it were me and I were ready to stop, I'd try talking to him about the crib being his very own bed now (he may not understand, but he might, and hey - you'll feel better) and I'd nurse him down. If he woke and cried, I'd definitelty comfort him (rub his back) while leaving him in his crib, and tell him it was time to go to sleep. And yes, with your goal, at some point you are going to have to let him cry.

You'll know the difference between hungry (or scared) screaming and "I am sleepy, where's my boob" crying. The second just doesn't escalate even if it goes on for a long time.

As much as I like cuddling with mine, you can imagine that with 3, the two youngest sometimes just get to cry.

Here is my take:
It's okay to co-sleep. I think we have deep instinctual reason for doing it. BUT it's also okay to let him cry (especially when you KNOW he's only crying because he doesn't like being in his crib). It's not like his crying will attract tigers. He's safe at home and our instincts are based upon different conditions.

The only thing that is not okay in this whole sleepy time scenario is if we neglect to let our kids know we love them. And no, letting him cry sometimes doesn't say that - it says you are human and have needs too.
when I sometimes have to let #3 cry, I remember what a friend of mine told me he said to his wife when he decided it was "cry it out time" - "As long as you can hear her crying, you know that's she is fine."

You didn't do anything wrong. And you aren't doing anything wrong to make a change.

I would try to make it a bit gradual for him (say, over a week or so) in that I'd nurse him down nightly, and come in and rub his back when he woke up and cried (but you should probably not pick him up, just rub him and say "it's okay, go back to sleep" and leave the room). Let him cry for up to 20 minutes before you go back and try again. He'll know you'll come, but that's enough time to get "calling for Mom" crying over with.

There are sooo many takes on this and sooo many people are SURE they know the right way. But you need to do what works for YOU and YOUR BABY (and oh, okay, hubby too: ).

By the way, my 2 oldest should be in the dictionary next to word "Stubborn". But a strong will is a good thing to have as an adult, so try to remember that!

Best of luck to you!

Steph has it right, we also used a bottle now sippy cup for our 1 yo foster child (since we can't nurse him ;-). He eventually gave up and went with it though he still fusses at bedtime it is usually only for about 5 minutes and he drops off. We do use water however; this is because his 2 yo brother (also foster child) was diagnosed at the dentist with bottle rot when we got him, so we were worried he had the same weak teeth.

My thoughts are what others have already said. Do you think it's a bad habit to co-sleep and nurse to sleep because others have told you that or because deep down in your intuition you feel it is harming him in some way? Listen to yourself as a mother & not what society expects. If your intuition really does say he needs to be in his own bed, then that will give you resolve for a tough transition.

Whether it's time for him to cry to sleep can't be determined by anyone else. What works for one kid may not work for yours. And it sounds like your son has an intense need to be comforted by you. The theory of attachment parenting (recognizing their dependence as a need) is that is their emotional needs are met when they are young, they will be more independent when they are older. (Secure & stable = independent.)

My daughter also liked to nurse/suckle at night and had a very hard time sleeping alone. I compromised by letting her have a bottle (then later a sippy cup) full of milk when she went down. I'd go in a little later and she'd be completely asleep, the bottle empty. You could use water as well, if tooth decay concerns you (it's the ONLY reason pediatricians preach against bottles in bed). But my kids both have great, healthy teeth so I wasn't concerned.