Advise on Trying to Get 2 Children to Be Nice to Each Other.

Acknowledge (& sometime reward) the POSITIVE behavior...helping one another, being kind to one another, etc. Talk about situations and HOW THEY COULD HAVE BEEN HANDLED DIFFERENTLY. Talk about how others perceive their actions. How do they WANT others to perceive them.....mean, bratty, rude??? What kind of behaviors are necessary to help people understand WHO they are and their personalities? Talk about situations on TV, in the store, etc. EVERY opportunity you get. They HAVE to understand how things are perceived. When you talk about somethin THEY WITNESSED, how did that come across to them? etc. etc.

Try reading 123 Magic. It's a discpline system for ages 2-12. It's great for sibling rivalry! Good luck!

My advice would be stop being the referee and let them work it out on their own. Ignore the behavior!!!
If it bothers you that they bicker and fight---send them to a different room where you can't hear the bickering, and it should stop after awhile. Sounds as though they are doing it for attention.
Good Luck

If the girls argueing bothers you , then you can tell them everytime you hear them they both get time out. That stopped my friend daughters fast because they each had to go to their beds and sit with no toys or anything else in the total quiet for at least 20 minutes. They were about your girls ages.
As a big sister I know all siblings fight and argue but that is part of growing up and yes the youngest i usually the boss because the older one will give in because she is more mature.Eventually they will realise that being sisters is like having a best friend forever and stop the argueing.My parents were strict and I always got the blame every time but I rarely if ever was the cause, back then we got spankings. She would sit there and watch me get a spanking and smile, at about 10 I just ignored her and would tell Mom or Dad what she did and they took care of it.Her behavior improved until I discovered she was stealing stuff every time we went shopping , one day I turned her in and Mom took her back to the store and made her tell the store owner what she took and why.The store owner acted like she was going to call the police and she never stole again.She also had to give the store owner her 50 cents a week allowance for about 4 months , it was like a $8. item. That meant she couldn't have any candy or new toys either until it was paid for in full.And we worked for our allowance, our dad had a dog kennel and we lived on a farm so whatever work needed done we did and got paid an allowance for it.We took out the trash, fed and watered the animals, raked the yard, watered the garden, helped keep the house orderly etc.On top of that we had to keep our rooms picked up and our school grades had to be at least a C+ .If we got A's we were rewarded for our extra efferts with $1. per A. I was a straight A student.By the time my parents got divorced when I was 13 the reward system disappeared.

I have three boys and when they fight I put them together in a room and have them talk about it and they can't come out until they have resolved the problem by them self. It really helps them bond. Now that they know the drill. They say to each other: "let's talk about it so we can get back out". But other times they stay in there talking it out and really come to a conclusion. It works wonders. The important part is not to get in the middle of it. They have to resolve it without your help even if you think they are so mad at each other.

Good luck!

-a

There are several good books that I have for "reference". Here are a couple that would be good with the issues you are having. VERY good and creative ideas.

Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel
Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell
Dare to Discipline by James Dobson

Also, there are several good books for children. Just Google "sibling rivalry, books" and you can go from there.

Good luck!

A.

Hi J.! Don't make yourself crazy over it. My boys are 15 months apart, and all they do is fight. It's a love/hate relationship. It's just a sibling thing! Do your best not to lose your mind!! Just keep smiling!!

Hi J.! My son is 6 years older than my daughter (he is now 13 and my daughter 7). I never had siblings, so when they decided they did not want to play together and bickered like crazy, I was bound determined to figure out how to help them become close. So, here is what I did......on days when they have a lot of time together, they are required to play together for 20 minutes without arguing. If they are heard arguing, then the 20 minute clock starts again and I add 10 minutes to the next day's clock. At first, it was difficult and the 20 minute clock would start 5-6 times before they figured out how to compromise and play nice. Now, they just wake up and play together for their 20 minutes, but they stopped watching the clock and play for hours. They are really, really close and enjoy each other's company. With my kids so far apart in age and boy/girl, their interests are so vastly different, but they have found TONS of stuff that they both enjoy together....they just had to "give it a shot". I enjoy watching them get along so well (believe me, they have their fair share of fighting, but I know they truly respect and enjoy each other). I count my blessings every day that they are close friends. I hope that this idea helps you, it certainly helped me. :-)

Good luck!
T.

Hi J.. I have 4 boys... the oldest 3 are ages 11, and 9 y/o twins. Trust me, they love each other, but they fight like cats and dogs! It's just part of growing up with siblings. =)

keep it up! The more you enforvce we are a family- the better. It will eventually set in. grounding them together no TV, no videogames, nothing but each other or reading to do.... they will start to enjoy one another again.

Welcome to the world of siblings, and it doesn't have to be children of just one sex! My children were 23 months apart 1 each and we had the same problem. The next time they get into an argument, take them both into a room with you, sit them down and explain the following rules will be going into effect and what the affects will be.
Since they can not get along they will not be allowed to be in the same room with each other unless an adult is present. Hopefully they don't share a bedroom and this can be easily managed. You don't even care who started it, you are putting an end to it. If they are arguing about a TV show neither of them gets to watch TV for the rest of the day. If the argument is over a video game neither of them gets to play video games for the rest of the day. The next time the argument is over the TV then it will be none for two days etc. If you know who started the argument they get the privelege of extra chores. They can help wash and dry the dishes by hand, help take out the trash, dust the furniture, whatever for the rest of the day and while chores are being done the other child will be in their bedroom. Stick to the rules. If it continues they lose other things like time with friends, whole evenings in their bedroom without TV, radio, video games, etc. and they can do in their rooms is homework and reading. After a couple of weeks they will decide it isn't worth the fighting and some of it is just for the additional attention they are getting from working parents.

I highly recommend the book "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 keys to turn family conflict into cooperation" by Sura Hart and Victoria Hodson.

Have you tried what Kate Gossling does on John and Kate plus 8. She makes hem look in the eye and say I am sorry and mean it then give the offended child a kiss. She says this works even through they still hit one another.
My sister and I aren't friends and we are 52 and 49. So their may be no way to stop this. My sister and I were kind of close for a few years but when she married hubby nnumber 3 and moved to the other side of the Cincinnati area we no longer get together. She has gotten a divorce and moved and I don't even know where she lives now. We (my husband and I) moved due to foreclosure and she doesn't know where we are. She didn't even come to the hospital the last time I was in for a few days like she said. She's the youngest by the way. She also has cut her self off from our parents. I have been told not to call her because she only has a cell phone and can not afford extra minutes. Sounds lame to me.

we had our girls hug each other and tell their sister "I love you" - We didn't have to do that for long and now that they are 18 and 15 they are BEST buddies!!!!! I love it!

Part of my sucess is keeping them interested in Church - there were days when I wanted to stay at home and they said "I WANT TO GO!". How can you say no to that???

We also do a lot together as a family and expect them to be at family functions as much as possible.

Our 15 yr. old really misses her sister since she moved to college. I also told them that they need to treat each other nice - "she is the only sister you will ever have!"

Hi J.,

My sister and I were the same way! It didn't matter what my parents did...I remember they tried everything from punishing us to making us work together on projects but it didn't matter! I know that really doesn't help you now but I do have to say...once we got into our 20's we are best friends and laugh about our fights!! Good luck!

Two of my children act this way and have similar temperaments to those you described. I give a time out first, and then a talk about how they are siblings and will be together for the rest of their lives... and then tell them they will practice being nice to each other - EVERY MINUTE until they get it. They have to read stories to each other, clean rooms together, sit next to each other, etc. Practice being nice to each other before they are allowed to go to anyone else, because they are family and have no choice but to be kind and loving to one another. They may prefer the company of their friends, but they can't spend time with them until they have shown me that they can be nice to members of their family first.

As others have said, this is completely normal, but it also makes us crazy, doesn't it?! I just have a couple of suggestions. First, try to find things that your girls both like to do, or a fun project that they can work on together. This could help them bond and learn how to enjoy each other instead of constantly fighting. Also, you mentioned that one is a pleaser and the other more controlling. There is a great book about how we relate to others that might help you teach your daughters to have better relationships with each other and other people. The book is "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. It covers pleasers, controllers and all the other unhealthy love styles and teaches you how to become a "secure connector" instead. Hope this helps.

My sister and I are 23 months apart and fought all the time too. Mom was an only child so she would always lecture us about how lucky we were to have eachother. I didn't work. What did work was when she started ignoring it. She would stand there at the sink and wash dishes and world war three was going on around her. We no longer got attention for it, she no longer had to try to decide we was wrong and who was right, and eventually my sister went away to college. Once we had 200 miles between us we were able to be best friends.

I'm coming at this from a different perspective since my kids are younger. I used to teach 10-12 year olds though so that's where this suggestion is coming from.

How about a behavior mod program- a sticker chart, to help them work on improving how they interact with each other. Instead of focusing on the bad behavior, reward the good until it replaces the bad more often than it does now. Determine something they both would work toward (a matinee or a home manicure party or whatever) and have them earn points or stickers or fake money or whatever that would motivate them. Once they reach the goal that you've set (e.g. Be kind to one another (and explain very clearly what that would look like) for a pre-set amount of time (start small at first to guarantee success and then increase the time as it gets easier, tell them you'll do this so they don't get mad when it happens) and once you've been kind to each other for ___ minutes, a sticker goes on the chart. Once there are _____ stickers you both get _________ together.

Things like this sometimes work to change behavior and once the behavior is changed, the reward system is dropped, and usually the kids don't even notice it's gone. The key is keeping it simple, easily obtainable and motivating. You know what makes your girls tick, use that to help them reward themselves. Focusing on the positive too can be a little breather if there have been lots of arguments.

HTH-
J.

I really like the book called "1-2-3 Magic: Effective discipline for children 2-12 by Thomas W . Phelan, Ph. D. It shows you how to deal with arguing and the other common problems in raising kids. Good Luck!

Moving out! :) My sister and I were 4 years apart and it was non stop at that age until...well basically until we moved apart from each other. There was always issues over toys, clothes, pens, shoes, etc. My mom just called sisterly love and ignored most of it. My sister was a bit of a darama queen, and I was the controlling one. Now, we talk daily, give each other advice on just about everything.
Best of luck! I fear your fun is just beginning.

I was surprised that no one mentioned "Siblings Without Rivalry". This book gets to the heart of what each child needs, not what is equal to both of them. I told them when they were young that life is not 'fair' - that is just something that comes to town in the spring = "fair' with carnival rides, etc. I thought the suggestions you have been given are great, but my girls (ages 11 and 17) needed to understand how different each other was and appreciate the good things about each other. They played school and dress up as younger kids and now play cards or watch a movie and have ice cream together. Yes, telling them that this is the only sister they will ever have, and teaching them respect goes a long way to help them get along with everyone.
FYI: My sister and I are 20 months apart and she hated me from the start, mainly because she had to share a room with a slob and got in trouble for it and needed to clean more than her share of the room. I could not play with her and her friends because she was worried I would take them away from her. It took until we were Moms to get us visiting with each other. We handle small doses of togetherness, but know we can count on each other when really needed.

LOL....good luck. Siblings are known for their love/hate relationship. My best advice - make sure they are each getting plenty of one on one time with parents and alone time on thier own. I know when my son gets "feisty" all he needs is some time to himself, and it helps a ton!

My 2 middle sons (ages 7 1/2 and 6, my other 2 children are 14 yr. old boy and 4 yr. old girl, so they tend to play more with each other than the other kids) bicker, argue, tattle, annoy, antogonize, irritate, fight ALOT, sometimes it seems endlessly. What I've finally started doing is telling them that they are NOT ALLOWED to play with each other then: they can't be near each other, talk to each other... NOTHING. Seriously, at first they were pleased with that, but they then quickly got bored playing by themselves and would try to go back to playing together. I would tell them, "No, sorry. You wouldn't be nice to one another. And, if one of the neighbor kids were being mean to you, I wouldn't let them play with you any more either, right? So it's no different between you 2 just because you live together. For the rest of the day, you are 'grounded' from each other." They REALLY hated that. By the end of the day they beg and plead with me to PLEASE let them play together, they PROMISE they'll be nice. But I just remind them that they need to remember how boring and lonely it is to not be able to play together so that when tomorrow comes, they'll remember to be nice to each other again.
It works pretty good.

Ever since my two girl's were born they fought, and to this day they are not allowed to be left alone (ages10&12) because they will physically hurt one another. They are total opposite and very often enjoy each others company. We have many behavioral issues at hand on top of the "on guard" behavior that has to be displayed when in the room together. We are going through a nasty custody battle, I'm in VERY poor health and have to move to a cheaper apt. and HAVE to have 3 bedrooms because they could NEVER share a room. Youth Connections validated an issue I addressed, and that was sometimes we as humans are born with different chemistry's and no matter what we do, it's not going to work the way you thought nor wanted. Sorry for the length!! K.